Week Five, Day Thirty-One - "Bad News"

“Bad News”
Written by Joe Janes
2/18/09
31 of 365

CAST:
KYLE, 30s
CLAIRE, 30s
RANDY, 40s
STEFFEN, 30s

(Lights up on Kyle seated working at his desk. Next to him is Claire, also seated at her desk, working at her computer.)

CLAIRE (sadly and to herself)

Oh, no.

KYLE

Thinking about Steffen?

CLAIRE

What? No. Just got e-mailed some really bad news.

KYLE

Sorry to hear that.

(They continue working. She shakes her head and sighs.)

KYLE (continuing)

You want to talk about it?

CLAIRE

It’s nothing, Kyle.

KYLE

Sure seems like something… Claire, we’re desk buddies. If something’s upsetting you, it’s upsetting me.

CLAIRE

That’s sweet, Kyle. Well, it’s just… I really can’t believe it. You know Maxine’s across the street?

KYLE

The hot dog place?

CLAIRE (on the edge of tears)

They closed.

KYLE

That’s the bad news? Did you know Maxine?

CLAIRE

She’s dead.

KYLE

Oh, I’m so sorry.

CLAIRE

She died like fifty years ago.

KYLE

And you just now found out?

CLAIRE

Kyle. No. I’m upset because Maxine’s had kosher hot dogs. The only kosher hot dogs in walking distance of work. Now, if I want a kosher hot dog for lunch, I’ll have to drive somewhere. I – I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

KYLE

Well, be strong.

CLAIRE

Thanks.

(They go back to work. A despondent looking Randy enters. He goes to his desk and starts packing up his briefcase.)

KYLE

Hey, Randy.

RANDY

Hey.

KYLE

You okay, Big Guy?

RANDY

No. I’m not. Just got some bad news, is all.

CLAIRE

You found out about Maxine’s?

RANDY (in pain)

I wish that were the bad news, because this is much worse.

KYLE

You didn’t get let go, did you?

RANDY

I can’t even talk about it.

KYLE

Maybe you should have a seat and tell us about it.

RANDY

I’m too upset to sit. (He sits.) I just want to run home, crawl in to bed, read People magazine and eat ice cream for a week. You invest so much time, so much energy, and for what? You even fall in love a little bit. And for what? For someone to just take it all away. All you have left are your memories. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, again. But I did. I’m such a sucker.

CLAIRE

Someone broke your heart pretty bad.

RANDY

I’ll say. Damn you, Fox network! (He gets up). Damn you Rupert Murdoch! And to hell with you Joss Whedon. Never again! NEVER…again … I have to go.

(He quickly exits)

KYLE

Was he talking about a TV show being cancelled?

CLAIRE

I feel so sorry for him. I went through the same thing when they cancelled Pushing Daisies. I used up all my sick days that week.

(Randy returns)

RANDY

Forgot my People magazine.

KYLE

I’m glad you’re back because I have something to tell you two. What you consider “bad news” most people consider just a “bummer.” A hot dog stand closing, a show being cancelled, not that big a deal. Inconvenient. Pain in the ass, maybe. Someone dying, losing your job, that’s bad news. Calamities, life altering challenges, brutal acts of God. Bad news.

(Steffen rolls in on his wheel chair. He has severe burn scars on his face and hands.)

CLAIRE

Steffen!

RANDY

Welcome back, Champ!

KYLE

Oh my God, Steffen. You’ve been gone for months. We heard rumors, but, Jesus, what happened to you?

STEFFEN (his speech is slow and slightly slurred)

Hi, guys… Well, I was at home celebrating my birthday with my family when, just before blowing out the candles, I had an aneurism. I started having seizures from a series of strokes. I knocked over the cake and the carpet caught on fire and then the drapes. My house burned down. Everyone was able to get out except for me. I have burns on over 80% of my body. I even burnt my weenie. The doctors don’t think I’ll ever walk again or speak like I used to or be able to have sex. My wife couldn’t handle it, so she took the kids and left. I live at the “Y” now. I shouldn’t be working, but I need the money and the health insurance.

(They are all stunned into silence.)

KYLE

Did you hear about Maxine’s closing?

(Blackout)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON! - I'll give y'all an update tomorrow!