Week Five, Day Twenty-Nine - "Public Hair"

“Public Hair”
Written by Joe Janes
2/16/09
29 of 365


DEREK, 30s
MOLLY, 30s
BROOKE, 20s


(Lights up on Molly and Derek sitting in a small café. Derek holds up a glass of wine.)

DEREK

So far, so good.

MOLLY

So far, so good.

(They toast.)

DEREK

I know it’s only been two months, but I feel pretty good about this.

MOLLY

Me, too.

DEREK

Molly, you have been a very pleasant surprise in my life. I wasn’t looking and, poof, you show up. And it’s been great, hasn’t it?

MOLLY

Yes, it’s been great, Derek. Just great.

DEREK

No complaints?

MOLLY

Nope. None. I think everything’s going well.

DEREK

Me, too.

(Brooke enters with their salads.)

BROOKE

Two house salads. Can I bring you anything else?

DEREK

We’re celebrating our two-month anniversary.

BROOKE

You’ve been married two months?

MOLLY

No.

DEREK

Just dating, but who knows…

BROOKE

That’s nice.

DEREK

And neither of us have any complaints about the other.

BROOKE (nods)

Still nice.

(Awkward moment. She exits.)

DEREK

Molly, I know this sounds crazy, but I have to tell you. I feel like I may have found my soul mate.

MOLLY

Brooke, the waitress?

DEREK

No, Silly Bear. You. Don’t you feel the same way?

MOLLY

Soul mate? Yeah. Sure. Sure I do, soul mate.

(Derek touches and stops her forearm as she is in the middle of bringing a fork full of salad to her mouth)

DEREK

I want my brain to take a snapshot and remember this moment forever.

MOLLY

Che-e-e-e-se?

(Derek laughs.)

DEREK

Molly – I know we don’t have any complaints about one another, but let’s play a game. If you did have a complaint about me, what would it be?

MOLLY

Um, well, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I hate.

DEREK

What?

MOLLY

This… salad. Look. There are so many greens in it, that I have to poke around to find anything else. Like, where’s the baby carrot? I can’t find the baby carrot. It’s like I’m trying to find buried treasure in a thick forest of green pubic hair. You know what I mean?

DEREK

Sure. I guess. I think the analogy broke down a bit, but sure.

MOLLY

Then you agree with my metaphor?

DEREK

Analogy. Yes. Sure. There’s too much pubic hair in my salad.

MOLLY

Then you’ll do something about it?

DEREK

You bet I will. Brooke?

MOLLY

What are you doing?

(Brooke enters.)

BROOKE

Yes?

DEREK

Brooke, our salads have too much pubic hair in them.

BROOKE

What? Are you serious?

MOLLY

No. No, no, Brooke. The salads are fine.

DEREK

Then what were you talking about?

MOLLY

Your pubic hair, Derek. Not the salad. I was using the salad as a metaphor.

DEREK

Analogy.

MOLLY

Whatever. You…You, Derek…Not the salad…have way too much pubic hair.

(Another awkward pause)

BROOKE

I’ll go check on your entrees.

(She exits.)

DEREK

What do you mean I have too much pubic hair? I have just as much as any other man.

MOLLY

That’s actually not true, Derek. Some guys do some “gardening” down there.

DEREK

You want me to shave my junk? Molly, I’m a little uncomfortable taking a blade to that area.

MOLLY

It doesn’t have to be shaving. Trimming. Clipping.

DEREK

I’ve never done that.

MOLLY

No kidding. You shed more than my cat.

DEREK

This really bothers you.

MOLLY

Yes, it does. You see how I keep my…salad.

DEREK

Yes. Very neatly cropped.

MOLLY

I just want some common courtesy.

DEREK

I don’t think I can do a landing strip.

MOLLY

Not asking for anything fancy, Derek. Just, you know, a haircut, but down there.

DEREK

And that’s your only complaint?

MOLLY

The only one.

DEREK

Swearsies?

MOLLY

Swearsies.

DEREK

Then, okay. I’ll do it. Next time you see my salad, you’ll be able to find my…Hey, was the baby carrot my penis?

MOLLY

Like you said, not a perfect analogy.

DEREK

Metaphor. Well, if that’s the only thing keeping us from being happy, I’m in, Silly Bear.

(Brooke enters with their entrees.)

BROOKE (Setting plate in front of Molly.)

Grilled Tuna with Shaved Parmesan. (Sets plate in front of Derek.) Black Forest Ham with Baby Carrots and Extra Chives. Can I get you anything else?

(They don’t answer. They just stare at their food. Awkward pause. Brooke exits.)

MOLLY

And don’t call me Silly Bear.

DEREK

But-

MOLLY

Do it, again, and I’ll stab you with my fork.

DEREK

Okee-dokee.

(They start to eat. Lights fade.)