Week Nine, Day 58 - "Big Fat Lies"

“Big Fat Lies”
Written by Joe Janes
3/17/09
58 out of 365

CAST:
Julie, 30s
Ned, 30s

(Lights up on Ned sitting on the couch, wearing cut-off shorts, eating potato chips, and watching TV. Julie enters.)

JULIE

Ned.

NED (turning off TV with remote)

Uh-oh.

JULIE

You said you were going to clean today.

NED

I did. I did clean.

JULIE

Where? Where did you clean? This place looks like the backseat of your car.

NED

I swept.

JULIE

Shuffling in your stocking feet between the couch and the kitchen doesn’t count as sweeping.

NED

Ha-ha. I swept in the hall.

JULIE (she looks)

There’s cat puke in the hall.

NED

Which is why I swept.

JULIE

Then why is there cat puke in the hall?

NED

I’m letting it dry so it will be easier to sweep up.

JULIE

It’s dry. Looks like it’s been dry for hours.

NED

Okay, CSI. I’ll clean it up.

(He gets up off the couch)

JULIE

Ned, I’m tired of your big, fat thighs.

NED

What did you say?

JULIE

You heard me. You’re a liar.

NED

That’s not what you said.

JULIE

And now you’re lying to me about what I said.

NED

You said you are tired of my big, fat thighs.

JULIE

Lies. I said “lies.”

NED

You said “thighs.” You – you think I’m fat. (He starts to tear up.)

JULIE

No, baby, no.

NED

It’s these stupid shorts. I knew I shouldn’t wear them.

JULIE

You look sexy in those shorts. Come here.

(She sits and pats the spot next to her.)

NED

No.

JULIE

Ned. Come here. (She pulls Ned towards her and makes him sit on her lap.) There. (Groans a bit) That’s better. Doesn’t that feel better?

NED

Yeah.

JULIE

Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it, baby. You know I didn’t mean it. You’re my guy. My sexy guy. I love you. You’re as handsome as the day I met you. Even more. (She meows.)

NED

You don’t think I’m fat?

JULIE

Not at all. You know I get a little tongue-tied when I see you in your manly Daisy Dukes. Why don’t you head on into the bedroom and slip out of them. I’ll be right in.

NED (giggling)

Okay. (He kisses her on the lips.) I’ll go warm up the Craftmatic.

(He exits)

JULIE (to the audience)

You know, if he weren’t so damn good in the sack, I’d dump his fat ass.

(Ned comes back in looking coy.)

NED

Julie, honey, you sure you don’t think I’m fat?

JULIE

Ned, you look flabulous.

(Ned gasps and runs off crying.)

JULIE (continuing and following)

What? What? Now, what did I say?

(Blackout)