Week 13, Day 85 - "War Is Hard Work"

“War Is Hard Work”
Written by Joe Janes
4/13/09
85 of 365

CAST:
Donny James, 30s
Director, 50s
Assistant, 20s

(Lights up on crooner Donny James in a spotlight finishing the end of his hit swinging song, “Lips Like Champagne.”)

DONNY (singing)

When you open your mouth,
Baby, I don’t complain,
You’re popping the cork on
Your lips of champay-nuh!

(The lights go to full work lights. A director comes out as an assistant hands Donny a towel and a martini.)

DIRECTOR

Good job. Donny. Take five, everybody! Take five!

(The director and assistant exit as Donny sits in a canvas director’s chair.)

DONNY

Hello, America. Donny “Sing for my Supper” James, here. You know, singing’s hard work. But even harder work is slapping on a uniform and fighting terrorists for our freedom far from home. But you can help. You might be thinking, “But, Donny, I’m not a soldier. I’m just a regular Jane or Joe. What can I do to help? Buy War Bonds?” Nope. “Ration food and gasoline?” Gosh, no. “Stop buying stuff made in foreign countries that support the enemy?” Don’t do that, either. We owe those people lots of money and we don’t want to ruffle any feathers. The best thing you can do, Joe or Janes Red-White-And-Blue, is nothing at all. Pay your taxes, watch television, avoid the real news and, for god’s sake, keep your mouth shut. Swallow those feelings of injustice and morality and keep them down with a big plug of patriotism. If we end the war, it will put millions of people out of work and panhandling on Main Streets here in the good ol’ U.S.A. We’re Americans, victory is our business, but not just yet.

ASSISTANT (entering)

You’re needed back on the set Mr. James.

DONNY (handing her his towel and martini)

Work is hard. (Gets out of chair) But being a godless, penniless communist is harder.

(Blackout as he puts a finger over his lips, winks and exits.)