Week 13, Day 87 - "Officer Arsenty"

“Officer Arsenty”
Written by Joe Janes
4/15/09
87 of 365

CAST
Tim, 20s
Neil, 20s
Officer Arsenty, 50s

(In the dark we hear a siren. Lights up on Tim and Neil in a car. Tim is driving. Behind them is Officer Arsenty in his car.)

TIM

Aw, crap. We’re being pulled over.

NEIL

Tim, you ran that red light.

TIM

It was yellow, Neil.

NEIL

Which is when you should have slowed down. It turned red. Like it always does after yellow.

(In the background, a rather rotund Officer Arsenty climbs out of his car and approaches the driver’s window. His movements are a little slow and deliberate. He carries a bone. Tim rolls down the window.)

TIM (continuing)

Evening, officer, sir.

(Officer Jobe just stares at him.)

TIM (continuing)

Is there a problem?

(Jobe lets out a big sigh. Tim gets a face full of booze fumes. He looks at Neil. Jobe wobbles a bit, and then shushes Tim. Jobe then staggers back a few feet and beckons Tim to “come here.” Tim slowly and reluctantly does.)

TIM (continuing)

Yes?

JOBE

I like you, son. What’s your name?

TIM

Tim.

JOBE

Jim. I like you, Jim. I’m Officer Jobe Arsenty.

(Jobe puts his hand on Tim’s shoulder)

NEIL

Hey, I can see you!

(Jobe pulls his gun.)

JOBE

Who’s there?

TIM

It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s just my friend, Neil. There. In the passenger’s seat.

JOBE

I have my eye on you.

NEIL

I doubt it.

(He drops his gun as he tries to put it away. He tries to pick it up and kicks it instead. Tim gets the gun and hands it to him.)

JOBE

Thank you, Jim.

NEIL

It’s Tim.

JOBE

Who the hell are you?

NEIL

I’m Neil. Tim’s friend.

JOBE

There ain’t no Tim, here. Get out of the car. (Neil opens the car door) Whoa! Slowly! Slowly!

NEIL

Okay. Okay. Don’t shoot me.

JOBE

Don’t you tell me what not to do. Where are you boys heading?

TIM

A party.

JOBE

Party boys, eh!

NEIL

My mom’s birthday party.

JOBE

That sickens me.

NEIL

Okay.

JOBE

You sicken me. Let me see you walk a straight line.

(Neil sighs and walks a straight line towards Jobe who points his bone at Neil like a gun.)

JOBE (continuing)

Stop or I’ll, or I’ll…bone you. Gun?

TIM

Right there.

JOBE

Oh. Thank you. You’re nice. But you-!

NEIL

You told me to move!

JOBE

Oh, yeah. Close your eyes and touch your nose.

(Neil does, easily.)

JOBE

Did he do it, Jim?

TIM

Yeah.

JOBE

Touch his nose.

NEIL

What?

JOBE

Don’t smart off, smarty. Close your eyes and touch Jim’s nose.

(Neil closes his eyes and manages to eventually touch Tim’s nose.)

JOBE

Did he do it?

TIM

Yeah. Poked my eye, too.

JOBE

That wasn’t part of the instructions. I’ll have to bring you in. Spread ‘em.

NEIL

Oh, come on!

JOBE

Get up against the car and spread your legs. I need to pat you down.

NEIL (doing so)

Oh, joy.

(Jobe walks up to Neil, starts to pat him down, but passes out against Neil while doing so.)

NEIL

Oh, God, get him off me. I feel his bone.

TIM

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

(Tim gets Jobe off Neil and sits him down on the road.)

NEIL

That guy is stinking drunk.

TIM

You think?

NEIL

Let’s go.

TIM

We can’t just leave him sitting in the road.

JOBE (coming to)

Jim. Jim. Come here.

TIM

What is it, Officer Jobe?

JOBE

Are you married? Got a girlfriend?

NEIL

You don’t have to answer that.

TIM (waving Neil to be quiet)

No, Jobe. I don’t have either, right now.

JOBE

Aw, that’s too bad. What about the other one? You got one.

NEIL

Yeah. A girlfriend. We might get married.

JOBE

Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you both something. You find a girl you love with all your heart, hope you die first.

NEIL

Die first. Got it. We can go, now, right?

TIM

Jobe, why do you say that?

JOBE

Because Millie died a year ago. And it’s been hell. Sheer hell.

(Jobe starts crying into Tim’s chest. Tim reluctantly holds him.)

TIM

Jobe, I don’t think you should drive. Can we give you a lift somewhere?

JOBE

Aw, you don’t have to do that.

TIM

No, no, it’s okay. I insist. C’mon.

(Neil and Tim help Jobe get into the backseat of their car.)

TIM

There you go.

(Neil and Tim get in to the front seat. Tim starts driving.)

TIM (continuing)

You okay back there, Jobe?

JOBE

Yeah.Yeah. The station's just up the road a bit.

NEIL

Sorry about your wife.

JOBE

Why are you sorry about my wife?

NEIL

Just seems like a very sad thing to go through, losing your wife Millie.

JOBE

My wife ain’t dead. Millie’s was my cocker spaniel. I sure miss that pooch. Oh, Millie, oh, Millie…Why? Why?

(He starts wailing and kissing the bone. Lights fade.)

THE 365 VIDEO CHALLENGE!

Tuesday, April 28 will mark the 100th sketch posted on 365 Sketches. To honor the occasion, we at 365 headquarters (me) are issuing a video challenge! Create a video of one of the first 100 365 Sketches and post it to YouTube. Let me know when its posted using the comment section here. I'll link to the video for all to see. You have until midnight central time on April 28th to post. On Wednesday, April 29th, I'll announce the winner!

Ooh, and what does the winner receive?

A crisp ten dollar bill. In fact, this very one. Suitable for framing.