Week 13, Day 90 - “While On My Way To Hell”

“While On My Way To Hell”
Written by Joe Janes
4/18/09
90 of 365

CAST
COACH REDFERN, 40S
ASS’T COACH BURKE, 30S
MITCHELL, 17
PLAYER ONE, 17
PLAYER TWO, 17
PLAYER THREE, 17

(Lights up on a high school basketball coach, his assistant and four players on the bench. One of the players, Mitchell, is big, awkward, and breathes through his mouth.)

COACH REDFERN

Not too bad. Not too bad. Keep hustling, Timmy!

ASS’T COACH BURKE

Looks like we got it in the bag, Coach Redfern. Only five minutes left.

REDFERN

Well, never take anything for granted, Burke.

BURKE

Did you see that kid on YouTube? The autistic kid?

REDFERN

Yeah, yeah. Made twenty points in four minutes at the end of a game. Very heartwarming.

BURKE

Crowd went nuts. Made the school, especially the coach, look real good.

REDFERN

Yeah, yeah. Oprah even mentioned it in her magazine. … My wife told me.

BURKE

Well, look, why don’t we send in Mitchell.

REDFERN

What? Are you crazy? The closest that moron has gotten to handling a ball is rinsing out the team jock straps. Look at him.

(They look at Mitchell who has taken off one shoe and is picking the toe jam out between his toes through a hole in his sock. He eats the toe jam.)

BURKE

We’re up twenty points. We can’t lose. If he goes out there and makes a basket or two, you’ll be a hero. Everybody will love you.

REDFERN

The school is looking at cutting back on sports funding. Some lovin’ might be just what we need to cover our asses. Mitchell!

(Burke takes out his phone and starts videotaping. Mitchell comes running over, slobbering and dripping.)

MITCHELL

Yes, Coach!

REDFERN

You’re going in, Son!

MITCHELL

I am?

REDFERN

You are! Now, go out there and play some ball.

MITCHELL

Okay.

(Mitchell runs out onto the court, which is offstage and out of sight. We hear the crowd cheer wildly as he goes out. )

REDFERN

Hustle, Mitchell! Grab the ball!

(We hear the crowd make giant, collective “ew” sounds. The other guys on the bench are repulsed. “Boo’s” are heard. A whistle is blown. Mitchell comes shuffling back to the bench, his shorts around his ankles. )

MITCHELL

I do good, Coach?

REDFERN

You licked and humped the basketball, Son. And then you wiped your bare ass on it and threw it into the stands.

MITCHELL

Want me to try, again?

REDFERN

Grab some wood, Mitchell. Bench! Bench! Just take your damn seat. (Mitchell does) Well, at least we don’t have to worry about that fiasco being on the YouTube.

BURKE (having just uploaded it from his phone)

Uh. Too late. I just uploaded it.

REFERN

You’re going to hell.

MITCHELL

Hey, I found gum!

(Mitchell picks gum off the bottom of the bench and puts it in his mouth.)

BURKE

Yes, I am.

(Blackout.)