Week 14, Day 92 - "Searching for Joss Whedon"

“Searching for Joss Whedon”
Written by Joe Janes
4/20/09
92 of 365

CAST
SERGIO, 20s
KENDRA, teens
SUPERHERO SERGIO, 20s
PHILLIP, 30s
TAWNY, 30s
DR. DAMNABLE, 50s

(Lights up on a comic book store. Sergio works behind the counter. Kendra is buying a stack of comic books.)

KENDRA

Hi, Sergio. How’s it going?

SERGIO

“It” isn’t, but I am. I am going, soon, because I am going to be a millionaire.

KENDRA

That’s great. I never knew a millionaire before.

SERGIO

Kendra, I have worked at this store for five years. I see the comic books that come in and out. I have seen the best sellers, I have seen the stinkers. I have kept a sharp eye.

KENDRA

And that makes you a millionaire?

SERGIO

It will. Soon, I will be as rich as all the comic book writers you see on these racks. Because I have created my own comic book character.

(In the background, their stories are acted out.)

KENDRA

Is he a superhero named Sergio? (Kendra’s superhero appears
in standard hero pose, wind blowing his cape.) I bet he’s tall, muscular, and devilishly handsome. Able to blind purveyors of injustice with just his smile.

SERGIO

Actually, he’s a zombie. (A zombie appears behind the superhero and bites the superhero in the ear.)

KENDRA

Zombies aren’t superheroes.

SERGIO

But he’s a good zombie. (The zombie stops when he hears this and throws the superhero’s body offstage, taking over the hero pose.)

KENDRA

Zombies are inherently not good, Sergio.

SERGIO

This one is. That’s what makes it unique. His name is Phillip. Phillip is a zombie that feels remorse. He accidentally ate his girlfriend and feels bad about it. He vows never to eat another human. Not even bad guys, unless he really has to. He only eats cats.

KENDRA

Like ALF!

SERGIO

I might rethink that.

KENDRA (excited)

Is he one of those speedy zombies?

SERGIO

Don’t insult me. Of course, he isn’t.

KENDRA

Then how does he catch bad guys?

SERGIO

He works with the police. A lady detective named-

KENDRA

Kendra?

SERGIO

Tawny. Tawny McCougar. (Tawny appears next to Phillip. She also strikes the hands-on-hips hero pose.)

KENDRA

She’s hot, isn’t she? Women named Tawny are always hot.

SERGIO

Women named Tawny are always hot. But I think we can all agree, they don’t age well. And she knows this. It comes in to play later.

KENDRA

And she’s in love with Phillip! I just knew it.

SERGIO

Not a first. At first, she hates Phillip. They argue a lot because he’s a zombie. And zombies ate her parents. So, they don’t get along at all. Until Phillip saves her life.

KENDRA

How does he save her life? Please tell me, please.

SERGIO

Only if you promise me you’ll still buy the comic book when it comes out.

KENDRA

I promise, I swear.

SERGIO

The bad guy – an evil scientist named Dr. Damnable, Dr. Drake Damnable, who’s actually the cause of all the zombiness - kidnaps Tawny. She’s tied to a chair. (Dr. Damnable comes out and ties Tawny to a chair.) Phillip, who has sworn not to eat or infect another human being, comes in and knocks Dr. Damnable out with a croquet mallet. (Phillip whacks Dr. Damnable in the head. The doctor spins off stage.)

KENDRA

Okay. Why a croquet mallet?

SERGIO

Duh – because Damable’s evil lair is underneath a recreational lawn sports store. Damnable’s Lawn and Garden Games.

KENDRA

I think horseshoes would be better. Or a tetherball. What’s a garden game?

SERGIO

He uses a croquet mallet. Period. Sheesh. We’re done here. Take your inferior melancholy vampire books and hit the road, already.

KENDRA

No, please. I really want to know what happens next. I promise I’ll buy all the issues of “Phillip the Zombie” and the graphic novel.

SERGIO

I will make you sign a paper saying you said that. However, it’s not “Phillip the Zombie.” It’s called “Zombie Process,” get it?

KENDRA

Yes. No. Maybe. But, probably not.

SERGIO

Before Phillip became a zombie, he worked IT at a big computer company. A zombie process is a Unix process that has terminated and whose parent process has not yet received notification of its termination by executing the wait system call. See? It’s brilliant because it works on so many effing levels. It’s like irony. Sorry, I said “effing.”

KENDRA

S’okay. So, Tawny falls in love with Phillip because he saves her from Dr. Damnable.

SERGIO

No. Not just. It’s because he was alone in a room with her where she was tied to a chair. He could have eaten her. Easy pickings for a hungry zombie. But instead, he unties her and frees her.

KENDRA

That’s so romantic.

SERGIO

Well, I want girls like you to buy the comic book, too.

KENDRA

I would totally buy “Zombie Process.”

SERGIO

And I have the story lines plotted out for the next ten years. In year four, Tawny realizes she’s getting older and wants Phillip to turn her into a zombie so she’ll stop aging.

KENDRA

Oh. But won’t she then start rotting?

SERGIO

Not if she lives with Phillip in his customized walk-in meat cooler. But that doesn’t happen until year seven. Phillip breaks up with her to keep himself from succumbing to her will. (Phillips points off, kicking Tawny out, and she walks off.)

KENDRA

Man, I wish I was as smart and creative and handsome as you, Sergio. When does the book come out?

SERGIO

Oh, you know. I’m shopping it around, right now. If I don’t get an offer I like, I might just publish it myself. Keep all the profits all to myself.

KENDRA

Well, I’ll keep looking for it on the shelves. (Sergio hands Kendra her bagged comics)

SERGIO

You do that. It’s going to be big. Action figures. Movies. Animated series. A good one. Not crap.

KENDRA

See you next Saturday.

(She exits. Sergio grabs a stack of comic books and walks off to the back of the store. Phillip is still standing alone. The superhero, now a zombie, comes back out and attacks Phillip from behind, biting into his shoulder. Blackout.)