Week 14, Day 95 - "Crept Out"

“Crept Out”
Written by Joe Janes
4/23/09
95 of 365

CAST:
MAX, 30s
NATHAN, 20s
BLAINE, 30s

(Lights up on Nathan and Max working at their desks.)

MAX

So, they bring the meat right to your table and it’s on these swords.

NATHAN

Cooked?

MAX

Yeah, cooked. And all kinds, fillet mignon, steaks…steaks…all kinds.

NATHAN

Sounds like my kind of place.

(Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Max. Wanted to tell you good job on the Folger presentation. You looked good up there.

(Blaine smacks Max on the shoulder with the back of his hand and exits.)

MAX

Thanks, Blaine.

NATHAN

Congrats.

MAX

Yeah. Thanks.

(Max shakes his head and shivers a bit.)

NATHAN

What’s wrong?

MAX

Gay people creep me out.

NATHAN

Oh…. Are you talking about Blaine?

MAX

Yeah. The guy’s a total flame.

NATHAN

Really? I never noticed.

MAX

Well, you need to get your gay-dar fixed. That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass.

NATHAN

I don’t really think so.

(Blaine re-enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Nathan. Here are the press clippings from the Driscoll campaign. Don’t reference all of them. Just pick two or three of the best ones.

NATHAN

Sure thing, Blaine.

BLAINE

You’ll have that done…2-ish?

NATHAN

Shouldn’t be a problem.

BLAINE

Thanks.

(He exits. Max sits and nods at Nathan.)

MAX

See what I mean?

NATHAN

…No?

MAX

2-ish? Please.

NATHAN

He has a motorcycle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay man ride a motorcycle.

MAX

You have if you’ve seen Blaine on one.

NATHAN

He has a girlfriend.

MAX

Correction. He has a wife. And she’s preggers.

NATHAN

So, then, he’s probably not gay.

MAX

All that means is this… (He mimes stroking a beard.)

NATHAN

He’s wise?

MAX

No. It means his wife is a beard. A front. It’s all a ruse to hide his queertitude.

NATHAN

Max. I have to be honest. I really just don’t see it. But even if what you are saying is true… so, what?

MAX

So, nothing. Except when he looks at me like, well, the way I look at a sword full of meat.

NATHAN

But, I’ve never seen him do that.

MAX

All right. Time to open your eyes, Nathan. Call Blaine in here.

NATHAN

Okay. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Blaine. Nathan. Can you come here for a second? (Hangs up) He’s on his way.

(Max gets up. Bends over while opening the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

What’s up, Nathan?

NATHAN

Uh, Max, um…

MAX (still bending and pointing his behind in Blaine’s direction)

We were looking for the archival Driscoll material from a few years ago. Can’t seem to find it.

BLAINE

They’re probably not in there. I’ll have someone check in storage. Hey, are those Dockers?

MAX (righting himself, looks knowingly at Nathan)

Yes. I got them at Sears.

BLAINE

I like those. My wife won’t let me get them. Says they’re un-cool. Who cares, if they’re comfortable… Women.

(He exits.)

NATHAN

Oh, my God. You are so right. I couldn’t see it until you pointed it out to me. But, man, that was so obvious.

(They go back to work at their desks.)

MAX

Told ya’.

NATHAN

It does kind of creep me out, now.

MAX

Me, too.

(As Nathan continues to work, Max stares at him as if he wanted to gnaw on Nathan’s ass. Nathan’s feels Max’s eyes on him and turns to face Max. Max catches himself and goes back to work, as does Nathan.)

NATHAN

Meat on swords.

MAX

Yeah. Flame-broiled. Good stuff. I could swallow one of the swords whole. (Max steals a glance at Nathan. Lights fade.)