Week 14, Day 96 - "UPS Sucks"

“UPS Sucks”
Written by Joe Janes
4/24/09
96 of 365

CAST:
Joe, 40s
Tanya, 30s

(Lights up on Joe, 40s, in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops, standing outside the gate of a courtyard apartment late on a Friday afternoon. He checks his watch and looks around. He sees someone coming. He pretends to just be hanging out waiting, looking at his Blackberry. Tanya, an out-of-shape UPS person, approaches the intercom near the front gate. She has a clipboard and a small package. She looks at the intercom system. She scribbles something onto a pad and puts a sticky label on intercom. She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TANYA

Yes?

JOE

Aren’t you going to even try the intercom to see if the person is home?

TANYA

They’re probably not. This is the second attempt. We tried
yesterday at the same time. They probably have a day job or something. Pretty standard. It’s an apartment building, not a business.

JOE

But you don’t know. You didn’t even try.

TANYA

Fine. I’ll try. (She looks at the intercom list, turned away from Joe, and presses the number for the deliveree. Through the system, we hear a phone ring. Joe’s phone rings.)

JOE (turning away from Tanya)

Hello?

TANYA

UPS.

JOE

About time.

(He presses a button on his phone that makes a loud buzzing sound at the gate. Tanya opens the gate and sets the package on the ground.)

TANYA

Guess you were right.

(She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

TANYA

I left the package. I’m done.

JOE

Don’t you think they might be waiting for you in their apartment? Aren’t you supposed to deliver it to their door?

TANYA

It’s late on a Friday afternoon. Traffic sucks. I have more deliveries.

JOE

All you did was set it inside the gate of the courtyard on the sidewalk. I could just reach in and grab it.

TANYA

That would be against the law.

JOE

Too bad sucking at your very simple job isn’t against the law. But, I guess neither of us will get caught. You’ll be off in your brown truck and I’ll be halfway down the street before this guy knows his package aint’ making it to his front door.

(Tanya presses buttons on the intercom, again. Joe’s phone rings and she sees it this time.)

TANYA

Hey, what are you trying to pull?

JOE

What are you trying to pull? I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day waiting for this goddamn package. It was supposed to be here by two. I haven’t even showered yet because I was afraid you might show up. (He picks it up through the gate.) I had to call customer service twice to get you to come back here because this morning you also only left that stupid sticky notice without trying the intercom.

TANYA

It’s just a stupid package. What could possibly be in there that’s so GD important? What is this precious thing that you summoned into your life to make your existence better? Let me guess. Porn? Something porn-related? Or is it, porn? Whatever it is, is it really worth waiting for?

JOE

You want to see what’s in here? I’ll show you. (Joe opens it and pulls out something that looks like an electric razor.)

TANYA

What the hell is that? A manly vibrator?

JOE

Nope. (Joe touches her with it and she falls to the ground twitching.) Tazer. And, yeah. That was worth waiting for.

(Joe steps over her shaking body and through the gate back towards his apartment. Lights out.)