Week 16, Day 111 - “Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”

(posted after midnight Saturday)

“Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”
written by Joe Janes
5/9/09
111 0f 365

CAST:
Renee, 30s
Zoe, 30s
Jean, 30s
Carla, 30s

(Lights up on Renee, Zoe and Carla seated at a table enjoying wine and bread. Jean stands to the side opening another bottle of red wine. This should be performed in French gibberish.)

JEAN

… et alors j'ai dit à la bonne que ses services n'étaient nécessaires plus. Et elle est partie.

(Zoe laughs and places her hand on Renee’s hand.)

ZOE

Est exactement ce ce qu'il lui a dit.

RENEE

Je suis très impressionné avec vous, Jean. Très appliqué.

JEAN

Qui veut plus de vin ? Mon amour ?

ZOE

Oui, svp.

(He pours her more wine.)

JEAN (laughing)

Le besoin I demandent même ?

RENEE

Ah, Carla. Je ne leur ai pas raconté l'histoire au sujet du canard à l'étang. Vous devez ici ceci. Dites-leur, cher.

CARLA (somber)

Numéro. Pas, Renee. Vous leur dites. Svp.

RENEE (very animated)

Très bien. Carla et moi flânaient par le parc et nous trouvons ces canards. Ils sont waddling et quacking et faisants leur chemin vers l'étang. Clairement un d'entre eux est le canard de mère et le repos sont ses canetons. C'est un défilé des canards. Ils juste au sujet de la portée le bord de l'étang, quand ce grand chien vient bondissant hors de nulle part et saisit le dernier petit canard le plus minuscule dans sa bouche. (He stands and acts out the dog grabbing the duck. Everyone laughs. The laughter dies down and Renee sits.) Le petit canard est, naturellement, mort.

CARLA

Je vous déteste.

(She slaps Renee, kisses Jean on the mouth and leaves. They all laugh. Silence.)

ZOE

Je vais aller chercher une longue commande. Ou promenade. Ou tour de train.

(She slaps Jean, kisses Renee and leaves.)

JEAN

Devez-vous partir ?

RENEE

Numéro. Je dois être quelque part bientôt et devrais dormir, mais je pas.

JEAN

Bon. Parlons dans la petite salle incluse pendant vingt minutes au sujet de rien.

RENEE

C'est une excellente idée.

(They sit quietly for a moment.)

JEAN

Ainsi, un canard ?

RENEE

Oui, un canard.

(Lights fade.)

THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION

“Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”
written by Joe Janes
5/9/09
111 0f 365

CAST:
Renee, 30s
Zoe, 30s
Jean, 30s
Carla, 30s

(Lights up on Renee, Zoe and Carla seated at a table enjoying wine and bread. Jean stands to the side opening another bottle of red wine. This should be performed in French gibberish.)

JEAN

… and then I told the maid that her services were no longer needed. And she left.

(Zoe laughs and places her hand on Renee’s hand.)

ZOE

That is exactly what he told her.

RENEE

I am very impressed with you, Jean. Very impressed.

JEAN

Who wants more wine? My love?

ZOE

Yes, please.

(He pours her more wine.)

JEAN (laughing)

Need I even ask?

RENEE

Oh, Carla. I did not tell them the story about the duck at the pond. You must here this. Tell them, dear.

CARLA (somber)

No. No, Renee. You tell them. Please.

RENEE (very animated)

Very well. Carla and I were strolling through the park and we come across these ducks. They are waddling and quacking and making their way to the pond. Clearly one of them is the mother duck and the rest are her ducklings. It is a parade of ducks. They just about reach the edge of the pond, when this big dog comes bounding out of nowhere and grabs the last tiniest little duck in his mouth. (He stands and acts out the dog grabbing the duck. Everyone laughs. The laughter dies down and Renee sits.) The little duck is, of course, dead.

CARLA

I hate you.

(She slaps Renee, kisses Jean on the mouth and leaves. They all laugh. Silence.)

ZOE

I’m going to go for a long drive. Or walk. Or train ride.

(She slaps Jean, kisses Renee and leaves.)

JEAN

Do you need to leave?

RENEE

No. I need to be somewhere soon and should sleep, but I will not.

JEAN

Good. Let’s talk in the small enclosed room for twenty minutes about nothing.

RENEE

That is an excellent idea.

(They sit quietly for a moment.)

JEAN

So, a duck?

RENEE

Yes, a duck.

(Lights fade.)