Week 21, Day 142 - “If I Were You"

“If I Were You”
Written by Joe Janes
6/9/09
142 of 365

CAST:
Bill, 40s
Natalie, 40s

(Lights up on Bill sitting at the dining room table cleaning his handgun. Natalie enters, exhausted from work. She sets her bag down and sits at the table and lets out a big sigh.)

BILL

How was your day?

NATALIE

Oh, don’t get me going.

BILL

Okay.

(Natalie sighs again.)

BILL (continuing)

Tell me about it. Get it off your chest. Might make you feel better.

NATALIE

This is not going to help, but if I don’t tell you, you’ll just keep pestering me. It’s that Mr. Dennis. He’s always looking over my shoulder. And every time I catch him looking at me, he’s got that look on his face, you know?

BILL

What look?

NATALIE

You know.

BILL

I really don’t.

NATALIE

It’s like this.

(She demonstrates the Mr. Dennis’s scowl.)

BILL

Oh, yeah. Sure. I know that look. Has he said anything to you?

NATALIE

No.

BILL

You should talk to him. He may not even realize-

NATALIE

Look. You don’t know. Okay.

BILL

You complain about that Mr. Dennis a lot. It’s stressing you out. If I were you, I’d talk to him.

NATALIE

Good thing you’re not me. And I don’t need you to tell me what to do.

BILL

I’m just saying – It’s clearly bothering you. Speaking to him might help.

(Natalie shakes her head and sighs. Her phone rings. She picks it up.)

NATALIE

Hi, Helen…No. Just Bill getting on my nerves… Again… About that Mr. Dennis, like I was telling you at lunch…Mmmmm…. Hunh-hunh…..Mmmmmmm…Hunh-hunh…. Really? You think so?.... Mmmmmmm….Hunh-hunh….Mmmmmmm…Hunh-Hunh… Well, that’s sounds like a good idea. I’ll give it try. First thing tomorrow. Thanks, Helen. Love ya’. Bye. (She hangs up.) Helen had some good advice.

BILL

What’s that?

NATALIE

She said that since Mr. Dennis hasn’t said anything to me,he may not even be aware that he’s doing it. And if he is aware, then all the more reason we need to talk. So, I’m going to say something to him tomorrow.

BILL

Isn’t that what I suggested?

NATALIE

You didn’t say all that other stuff that made sense. You just said talk to him.

(Bill sighs. He finishes cleaning his gun and locks it in a metal box. He gets up to put it away in the closet.)

NATALIE (continuing)

Why do you keep your gun locked in that metal box in the closet and your bullets locked up in another box out in the garage. If I were you, I’d keep that damn thing loaded and ready to go and in reach.

BILL

Good thing you’re not me.

(He exits. Natalie gets that Mr. Dennis scowl on her face. Lights fade.)