Week 21, Day 144 - “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

“Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”
Written by Joe Janes
6/11/09
144 of 365

CAST
Kenny Spicerman, 30s
Joan, 30s
Bret, 30s
Matt, 50s
Announcer (VO)

(Lights up on Kenny wearing an earpiece-microphone sitting on a bar stool. He has index cards he’s flipping through. Behind him, is an easel with posters on it. The first poster, obviously handmade, says “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!” In front of him are several empty chairs. Joan sticks her head in the door and looks around. Kenny makes eye contact with her and she quickly ducks out.)

KENNY

Hey! Hey! Are you here for the seminar?

JOAN (sheepishly re-entering)

Am I in the right place?

KENNY

I’m Kenny Spicerman and I say, “you are always in the right place.” Have a seat, have a seat.

JOAN

Okay.

(She sits in the back row near the door.)

KENNY

You can sit closer, I won’t bite.

JOAN

That’s okay.

KENNY

Okay. I think we’re just going to wait a few minutes, in case some people got lost. You’ve got all these breakout sessions going on all over in this convention hall, you don’t know where you’ll end up. It’s crazy.

JOAN

The guy across the hall is full. There’s people standing in the back and in the doorway.

KENNY

Oh, yeah? Must be giving something away.

JOAN

I don’t know. I couldn’t get in. I wanted to. It’s Matt Tarbock. He wrote that book “A Life More Extraordinary – Woo-Hoo!”.

KENNY

Never heard of it.

JOAN

He was on “Oprah.’

KENNY

Oh, well. There you go. He was on “Oprah.” He could be handing out plastic baggies filled with dog poop and people would be, “Ooh, he was on ‘Oprah’.”

JOAN

What’s your seminar about?

KENNY

I am glad you asked…

JOAN

Joan.

KENNY

Joan! (sing-songy) Joan-on-the-phone. Got it. My seminar’s called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World.”

JOAN

Are you Kenny Spicerman?

KENNY

I am.

JOAN

Do you have a book?

KENNY

Yes, I do. Soon. It’s not out yet. I’m still working things out with the printer. Publisher. I do have a blog.

(Bret shuffles in and looks around.)

KENNY (continuing)

Hi, are you here for the seminar?

BRET

You giving any stuff away?

KENNY

I am, indeed. Your name is…?

BRET

Bret.

KENNY

Bret. (sing-songy) Bret-needs-a-vet.

BRET

Hey.

KENNY

What kind of giveaway were you looking for Bret?

BRET

I don’t know. T-shirt. Mug. Button.

KENNY

What I’m giving away is more powerful and more valuable than any old t-shirt or mug or button.

BRET

Those squeezey stress balls are pretty cool.

KENNY

Bret! I’m going to tell you how you can rule your world. How does that sound?

BRET

So, you don’t have anything.

KENNY

Here. Here! (He digs in his pockets) I have 38 cents and a stick of gum. Okay?

BRET

I guess.

JOAN

I didn’t get anything.

KENNY

Here, Joan. For you, I have…. A pen!

BRET

Oh, yeah. Pens are cool, too.

KENNY

I only have one.

JOAN

The cap’s been chewed.

KENNY

Part of the design. It’s rustic. Now, would anyone like to maybe hear the seminar?

(They nod.)

KENNY (continuing)

Great. Great. Welcome. This seminar is called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

BRET

Who’s Kenny Spicerman?

JOAN

He is.

BRET

Oh. Go on.

KENNY

Thanks, Bret, for letting me continue. Now, have either of you ever felt there’s a party going on in this world and you weren’t invited?

BRET

Yeah. I do. All the time.

JOAN

Me, too. Even when I’m at a party I was invited to. I feel like I’m crashing it.

BRET

Me, too! I feel so out of place.

KENNY

Then this seminar is for you. Now, is anyone in this room not a human being? Anyone? Raise your hand if you are not a human being.

(Joan slowly raises her hand.)

KENNY (continuing)

Joan. You’re not a human being?

JOAN

No. I am. I just thought you wanted someone to raise their hand.

KENNY

Thank you, but no. So, to be clear, we are all human beings. You know what else we are? We are all human businessings.

(He reveals his next poster, which simply says, written in marker, “We Are All Human Businessings”.)

BRET

I’m a human businessing?

KENNY

You, Bret, are the CEO of Bret, Inc.

BRET

Really?

KENNY

Yes. And you, Joan, are the CEO of JoanCo.

JOAN

I get it. I’m in charge of me. I run my own Joan.

KENNY

That’s right. And who are your employees?

JOAN

My employees?

BRET

My hands. My hands are my employees.

KENNY

Sure. Sure they are.

JOAN

My positive attitude. Right? Please tell me I’m right.

KENNY

You bet you’re right. You’re the boss of that positive attitude. You’re the main man who tells those hands where to go and what to do.

BRET

Oh, my God! This is great, Kenny Spicerman! Do you have a book?

KENNY

I do, but not with me. I have these order forms you can fill out (He hands them to Joan and Bret). Just give me your address and a check for $25 and I’ll send you the book. I’ll even sign it.

BRET

Can I use your pen?

JOAN

Better tell your hands to find their own pen, Mister.

KENNY

That was my last pen.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The New You University Conference sponsored by Starbucks, Whole Foods and Michelin Tires will be meeting in the main room to raffle off a free two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Blackout dates apply. Many blackout dates apply. The two weeks may not be consecutive. The raffle will be in five minutes and you must be present to win.

BRET

Gotta go!

KENNY

But, we didn’t finish-

BRET

I rule my world thanks to you, Kenny Spicerman. Feet, get your ass to the main room. Now!

(He exits)

KENNY

You didn’t fill out-

JOAN

Positive attitude, start working that mojo to get that cruise.

(She exits. Kenny sits on his stool. Matt Tarbock enters. He wears a leather sports coat and matching leather pants.)

MATT

Hey, Kenny. Knock their socks off?

KENNY

Yeah. Yeah, Matt. Hey, I saw you on “Oprah”. That was awesome.

MATT

Are you heading to the main room?

KENNY

Yeah, let me make sure I have my raffle ticket. (Pats his jacket). Crap. I must have left my wallet at home.

MATT

I’ll buy you a ticket. Get you a coke, too.

KENNY

To quote the master, “Woo-hoo!” Thanks, Matt.

MATT

Your blog, by the way, has been a real inspiration to me. You should make it a book.

KENNY

Thanks. I did make it a book. Sort of.

(They walk off. Lights fade.)