Week 23, Day 161 - “THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL”

THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL
Written by Joe Janes
6/28/09
161 out of 365

CAST:
Gerald, 40’s
Bob, 50’s
Dr. Grebnak, 40’s
Hef, 80’s
Tina, 40’s
DEEJAY, 20s
Old Widow Kravitz, 60s
Mr. Kravitz, 60s
Mitzi, schnauzer

(Lights up on Gerald sitting at his desk in his office. He is looking through file folders and checking his watch. Bob pokes his head in the door.)

BOB

Hey, Stud. Working late?

GERALD

Um, yeah. Bob. I am. How about you?

BOB

Nope. On my way home to bang my wife.

GERALD

Really?

BOB

Sure. Probably more than once, too. Unless there’s something good on television.

GERALD

But, how?

BOB

Gee, Gerald, isn’t that territory your dad should have covered with you?

GERALD

No, I mean. You’re over 50. I’m over 40 and I’m sitting here trying to find work to do so I don’t have to go home and face the fact that… face the fact…

BOB

That Mr. Stiffy ain’t so stiff anymore?

GERALD

Well…

BOB

The ol’ cock don’t crow like it used to?

GERALD

Something like that-

BOB

That your penis has that not-so-hard feeling?

GERALD

That’s it, exactly. Bob, what’s wrong with me? My wife is attractive.

BOB

Your wife is hot. Hot-hot-hot.

GERALD

Then what is it?

BOB

You’re not 18 anymore, Gerald. That little pig between your legs doesn’t snuff for truffles like it used to. As men age, we tend to have sex less frequently. Sexual frequency averages 3-4 times a week for the typical man in his twenties, declines to once a week or so in his fifties and to 1-2 times a month in his late seventies.

GERALD

One to two times a month. I’d like to get up to that level. My wife would think I was a stud.

BOB

Did you know nearly 10% of males over 50 and 40% of males over 70 have impotence problems. The only thing wrong with you, Gerald, is that you’re older.

GERALD

I’ve seen that happen to other guys. I never thought it would happen to me. But, wait; you’re older than me. Do you really still do it with your wife?

BOB

Like a sewing machine. A very manly sewing machine.

GERALD

How do you do it? What’s your secret?

BOB

I get a little help.

GERALD

You mean, like an intern?

BOB

No, no. I get help from science. I take Viagra.

GERALD

Viagra? I heard Viagra was for losers.

BOB

Do I seem like a loser to you?

GERALD

I guess not.

BOB

Besides, all the cool executives take Viagra.

GERALD

But aren’t there problematic side effects?

BOB

Um, yeah, if you call having an erection for over four hours a problem.

GERALD

Four hours?

BOB

It can happen. But the only thing its harmful to is other people. Almost poked a guy’s eye out at Starbucks once.

GERALD

Gee, do you have any on you?

BOB

Sorry, Pal. Keep them at home. Here’s my doctor’s card. Just swing by. You don’t need an appointment.

GERALD

Really?

BOB

Yeah. He works out of his car.

GERALD

Thanks, Bob. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.

BOB

You won’t have to. I’ll just look for the grin on your face in the morning. Good night, Stud.

(Bob exits as Gerald looks at the business card. Lights fade. Lights up on Dr. Grebnak refusing to give an older man in his 80’s wearing silk pajamas, a robe and thick eye glasses, more Viagra.)

HEF

Please, doctor. Please. It’s not for me; it’s for my five girlfriends.

DR. GREBNAK

Get up, HEf. Stop humping my tires. Have some dignity.

HEF

I can’t help it. Doc. I need more Viagra. It’s the only thing that will straighten me out.

DR. GREBNAK

Dammit, man. I told you to ease up on it. Look at you, now. You’re a drooling idiot.

(Hef starts humping a parking meter.)

HEF

NEED VIAGRA. NEED VIAGRA.

DR. GREBNAK

Just get the hell out of here, Hef. I’m trying to run a business here.

(Gerald enters.)

GERALD

Are you Dr. Grebnak?

(Hef starts humping Gerald’s leg.)

HEF

A woman! A woman! Ugh! Ugh ! Ugh!

GERALD

What the-?

DR. GREBNAK (swatting Hef with a newspaper)

Bad, Hef! Bad! Get off the poor man! Now, go!

(Hef yelps and runs off.)

GERALD

What was his problem?

DR. GREBNAK

Blind as a bat. It’s from the Viagra. He was an abuser.

GERALD

You can abuse Viagra?

DR. GREBNAK

If it’s a drug, it can be abused. He took so much he built up a tolerance to it. His body needed more and more Viagra until it didn’t respond to it anymore. Viagra abusers may develop health conditions; including exhaustion, sleep deprivation, chafed, sore, swollen, and red genitalia; and strained groin muscles. Now, he’s just messed up in the head. He gets the urges, but can’t do anything about it.

GERALD

Why can’t he do anything about it?

DR. GRENBAK

His junk is all beat up. It’s soft. Poor man couldn’t penetrate soup. What can I do for you?

GERALD

I wanted to get some Viagra, but now I’m not so sure.

DR. GREBNAK

Aw, you’ll be all right. Hef just couldn’t handle it. You look like you can handle it. You’re man, enough, aren’t you?

GERALD

Man enough for Viagra? Yeah, sure. But. Maybe I should try something else, like Cialis.

DR. GREBNAK

They both work they same way, except Cialis stays in your system longer. Viagra is for the man who knows he’s going to get some and you look like you know.

GERALD

Yeah, I do. How does Viagra work?

DR. GREBNAK

An erection is produced via a complex chain of events, involving signals from the nervous system and the release of chemical messengers within the tissues of the penis. One of these chemical messengers is called cyclic GMP. This allows more blood to enter the penis, which ultimately results in the penis becoming rigid and erect. (Gerald is yawning.) You still with me?

GERALD

Hunh? Oh, yeah. You just lost me there a little bit.

DR. GREBNAK

Here you go.

(Dr. Grebnak tosses Gerald a small packet.)

GERALD

How much do I owe you?

DR. GREBNAK

Nothing. Free sample. You come back after you fire off that rocket, and then we’ll talk price. Take one now. By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to rock…and roll.

GERALD (takes one)

…Thanks.

(We hear a car crash offstage and a painful yelp from Hef.)

GERALD

What was that?

DR. GEBNAK

I think Hef just tried to hump a Hummer.

(Lights out. Lights up on Gerald’s wife Tina. She is lighting candles in their living room. She turns on a CD of Celine Dion music. Gerald enters.)

GERALD

Hi, Honey. Gosh, it sure is dark in here.

TINA

I know. I turned the lights down.

GERALD

Oh, whew! I thought maybe I was going blind.

TINA

I’m just trying to set the mood. You know, it’s been awhile.

GERALD

Yeah, I know. Hey, look, I know this is crazy, but I was thinking about trying Viagra.

TINA

Viagra? Honey, don’t be silly. We don’t need science to make love. We just need each other.

GERALD

Yeah. I guess you’re right.

TINA

Why, Gerald, are you aroused?

GERALD

Oh, hey, look at that. Must be the Celine Dion.

(Gerald and Tina make wild, passionate monkey love in the dark.)

TINA

Oh, Gerald! You haven’t been this ways since you were eighteen!

GERALD

Yeah! Pretty cool, eh?

TINA

What’s gotten in to you?

GERALD

I love you? …I guess.

(Tina and Gerald fall asleep in each other’s arms…smiling. We hear crickets. Time has passed. Gerald awakes in the middle of the night. HE sees he still has an erection. Gerald immediately goes to see Dr. Grebnak.)

GERALD

Dr. Grebnak, I need more Viagra.

DR. GREBNAK

How much more?

GERALD

How much are they?

DR. GREBNAK

Ten bucks a pop.

GERALD

Give me a hundred.

DR. GREBNAK

Here you go! Remember, pace yourself. You don’t want to end up like Hef. (Dr. Grebnak steps forward and addresses the audience.) Gerald didn’t listen. He began to pop those little blue pills like they were candy from a penis Pez dispenser. He began to hump everything in sight. His neighbor, the Old Widow Kravitz.

(Cut to Gerald humping an old lady.)

OLD WIDOW KAVITZ

Oh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

Mr. Kravitz, the man Mrs. Kravitz pretended was dead.

(Cut to Gerald humping an old man.)

MR. KRAVITZ

Oh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

The Kravitz’ pet schnauzer, Mitzi.

(Cut to Gerald humping a dog.)

MITZI

Roh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

Due to the graphic nature of what happened next, we can’t show you, we can only tell you. Gerald put his penile plank in anything that would take it. Mailboxes, vending machines, VCR slots, bottles of Gatorade, small pumpkins. Gerald passed out in a playground near his home. He awoke to children dancing around his penis like it was a May Pole. The police arrested him for indecent exposure, but not without first complimenting him on his impressive erection. They had to move the camera back to take his mug shot in profile. They released him on bail to the custody of his loving wife.

(Cut to Tina greeting a released Gerald at the police station.)

TINA

Oh, Gerald. How could you?

GERALD

I just wanted to make you happy, Tina.

TINA

You have a problem, Gerald.

GERALD

I know. I know. I don’t know what to do.

TINA

I found some people who can help.

(Tina takes Gerald by the hand and they walk off. Lights fade. Lights come up on an empty room with chairs in it. Seated are Bob and Hef.)

GERALD

Bob? Hef? What are you doing here?

HEF

Well, Gerald. We realized we had a problem.

BOB

We’re Viagraholics.

HEF

Viagra had taken over my life.

BOB

I was taking it all the time. Even when I was alone.

GERALD

But when I took Viagra, I felt like a man.

HEF

There are other ways, Gerald. I’ve discovered that a healthy diet and exercise, like yoga, can work wonders.

BOB

I’ve learned to take my time. Savor the moment of touching my wife. Breathing techniques, help, too. Thanks to my tantra classes. I also watch a lot of internet porn.

(Bob and Hef high five.)

GERALD

That all sounds great.

TINA

I bought some ginkgo biloba, which helps memory and blood flow.

GERALD

That way I’ll remember to have sex! You’re so thoughtful, Honey.

TINA

And I signed us up for classes in erotic massage, Gerald. I think that will help spice things up.

GERALD

That sounds wonderful. So, what do we do at these Viagraholics meetings. Should I get up and talk about my experiences?

HEF

I’d rather you didn’t.

GERALD

Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson here. I learned that-

TINA

Shhh, Gerald. The show’s about to start.

GERALD

Show?

(At that moment, the lights dim and throbbing house music kicks in.)

BOB

Another alternative to get the blood flowing down to the nether regions –

TINA, BOB, HEF

Strippers!!!

DEEJAY

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the exotic stylings of our number one dancer…

ALL

YEAH!!!

DEEJAY

Old Widow Kravitz!

ALL

Ew!!!

(The End. Lights fade.)