Week 24, Day 164 - "Kidz Newz"

“Kidz Newz”
Written by Joe Janes
7/1/09
164 of 365

CAST
Rod, 40s
Carol, 40s
Craig, 12
Tiffany 12

(Lights up on Rod and Carol, two middle-aged news anchors at their anchor desk.)

ROD

…And that’s what it looks and sounds like when a cat plays the piano, Carol.

(He and Carol laugh.)

CAROL

Well, Rod, I guess that’s what they call a kitty cantata.

(They laugh.)

ROD

Next on the four o’clock news, a new segment for the after school crowd we call Kidz Newz…

CAROL

Spelled with two “z”s instead of “s”s, because it’s more fun.

ROD

And so our graphic department doesn’t have to worry about where to put an apostrophe.

(They laugh.)

CAROL

Take it away, Newz Kidz anchors, Craig Spindler and Tiffany Hutchins.

(Lights go down on Rod and Carol, but not before Rod can ask…)

ROD

What the hell’s a cantata?

CAROL

Mexican food, I think.

ROD

That doesn’t make sense.

(Lights come up on another part of the stage where Craig and Tiffany sit at an anchor desk.)

CRAIG

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

… And I’m Tiffany Hutchins and this is Kidz Newz… News for kids! Three elementary school students were shot down in cold blood as they stood waiting for their school bus. Witnesses report seeing a mom pull up in a mini-van and then shots were heard being fired from the back seat. Police believe this is another crime committed by new gang members too young to have a driver’s license.

CRAIG

Swine flu, pandemic killer of children and the elderly. Nature’s wrath or a government conspiracy to thin the herd? I go under cover at the World Health Organization. You can see what I find, right here, on this station, tomorrow.

TIFFANY

Coloxil, the prescription acne medication, has been linked to suicide in young teenagers. The company denies any wrong doing, as these young teenagers probably would have killed themselves any way because of their debilitating pizza faces. At least they can rest in peace knowing they’ll have clear, smooth skin at their open casket funerals.

CRAIG

Autism, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy… Medical reports indicate these conditions are on the rise, or are the children of today just faking it? (He stares off silently, drools a little, if he can.)

TIFFANY

Craig? Craig, are you okay?

CRAIG

I am okay, Tiffany, because I was faking it. And I’ll show you how not to be fooled by that wobbly kid in the wheelchair in my expose “Autism – Oh, Yeah?” tomorrow.

TIFFANY

And in sports, your mother doesn’t want you to play so rough and your father doesn’t care if you break your neck, but he is not going to drive you to the hospital.

CRAIG

And, finally, Fruit Roll-Ups… Are your parents just trying to shut you up or are they really trying to kill you? I’ll unravel the truth behind pressed fruit in a special investigative report tomorrow. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

And I’m Tiffany Hutchins.

CRAIG AND TIFFANY

And this has been Kidz Newz! News for kids!

(Lights out on them and back up on Rod and Carol who looked stunned. Very stunned.)

ROD

…Um… I think we have time for more of the kitty cat playing piano.

CAROL

Thank God.

(We hear awkward piano music as Rod and Carol smile and lights fade.)