Week 28, Day 190 - "Dear Penthouse"

“Dear Penthouse”
Written by Joe Janes
7/27/09
190 of 365

CAST
Dina, 20s
Megan, 20s
Shelly, 20s
Dave, 40s
Scott, 20s
Ted, 20s

(Lights up on Megan, Shelly and Dina in their college apartment. Megan and Shelly sit at a table doing homework. Dina is watching TV.)

DINA

Are you guys going to study all night?

MEGAN

It’s only seven o’clock.

DINA

Whatever.

SHELLY

Aren’t you worried about passing your history test?

DINA

Professor Krause always does multiple choice.

SHELLY

So?

DINA

The answer is “B.”

MEGAN

Answering “B” won’t get you an “A.”

DINA

I just want to pass.

(Doorbell rings. Shelly looks at Dina, who doesn’t move.)

SHELLY

Don’t get up.

(Shelly answers the door. Dave enters carrying a pizza and case of beer.)

SHELLY (continuing)

Dad!

DAVE

Hi, Shelly. Girls, the pizza boy is here!

(He enters and puts the pizza and beer on the table. He starts opening beers and handing them out.)

DINA

Hi, Mr. Jensen.

DAVE

Mr., Jensen? Is my dad here?

SHELLY

No, mine is.

DAVE

Call me, Dave, Dina. Hi, Megan.

MEGAN

Hi…Dave. Thanks for bringing us pizza. I was just thinking about how hungry I was.

SHELLY

Dad, this is nice, but we’re trying to study for a test.

DAVE

A test? A test in what? Lay it on your old man. I’ll help you.

MEGAN

American History.

DAVE

American History, American History… Multiple choice?

MEGAN

Yes.

DAVE

Just answer “B.”

DINA

That’s what I said, Dave!

(She high fives him and he is very happy about that.)

SHELLY (going back to studying)

Oh, God.

DAVE

I can’t believe you attractive young ladies are spending your evening studying.

SHELLY

It’s Tuesday.

DAVE

But you’re in college. And I just read your school is rated one of the top twenty party schools in the country.

MEGAN

Something to be proud of.

DAVE

Put the books away. Let’s eat us some pizza. Drink us some beers. Call more of your girlfriends and invite them over. Let’s have a party. …I’m buying!

DINA (texting)

I just texted my friends, Dave.

SHELLY

Dina, we’re not having a party.

DINA

We are, now. I also posted it on Facebook and Twitter.

DAVE

Cool. I brought a party CD, too.

(He hands Dina a CD.)

SHELLY

Dave… Can I speak with you in the kitchen, please?

DAVE (grabs a beer)

Sure, Shelly.

(They walk to the far side of the stage through a “door” into the kitchen.)

DAVE (continuing)

Here’s your beer.

SHELLY

I don’t want a beer. I want to spend the evening studying for my test.

DAVE

Shelly, Shelly. You only live once. Your college years are going to fly by.

SHELLY

They’re my college years. Not yours. I don’t need you around trying to relive your college years.

DAVE

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is relive my college years.

SHELLY

Pizza? Beer? Parties?

DAVE

I was a dork in college. Yeah, I know. Me. All I did was study and get “A”s. I was the most boring man on campus.

SHELLY

Then what the hell are you doing? Trying to make up for lost time?

DAVE

What? No. Just trying to make sure my little girl and her roommates get the most out of these formulative important years.

SHELLY

Which one?

DAVE

I don’t know-

SHELLY

Which one of my roommates do you have the hots for?

DAVE

Dina has some pretty hot videos on Facebook.

SHELLY

You’re watching videos of my friends on Facebook.

DAVE

You friended me. You were tagged in her karaoke strip tease.

SHELLY

We were drunk.

DAVE

I know. That’s why I brought beer and the greatest hits of Bon Jovi, karaoke-style.

SHELLY

Jesus, Dad. It’s my life. Not your chance to live out Internet porn fantasies.

DAVE

Sure you don’t want a beer?

SHELLY

Go home. Go date women your own age.

DAVE

Women my age don’t look like that.

SHELLY

Stop trying to sleep with my friends. Seriously. It’s time for you to leave.

(She opens the door for Dave to leave. They enter the living room where the karaoke version of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” is blaring. Megan and Dina have their tops off and are singing along loudly. Scott is video taping them. Ted is cheering them on. If there’s more students around partying, awesome. Megan and Dina grab Dave and make him join them. Everyone is singing along, except Shelly. Shelly grabs her textbook and three beers and exits. Lights fade.)