Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)