Week 30, Day 209 - “Grekkor the Alien"

“Grekkor the Alien”
Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365

CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s

(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)

CHANCE

Good morning, Grekkor.

DETER

It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.

GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)

Hello.

CHANCE

How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?

GREKKOR

I am feeling fine.

DETER

That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.

GREKKOR

That is good.

CHANCE

We thought you would think so.

DETER

Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.

CHANCE

You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.

DETER

And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.

GREKKOR

Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.

(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)

DETER

How barbaric.

CHANCE

We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.

DETER

If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.

CHANCE

Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.

GREKKOR

I am more than happy to answer them.

DETER

Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.

CHANCE

After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.

(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)

GREKKOR

I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.

DETER

All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.

CHANCE

Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.

DETER

Here’s the first…

(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)

DUNKIN

Hey, there Gekko.

GREKKOR

It’s Grekkor.

CHANCE

He can’t hear you.

DUNKIN

Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.

GREKKOR

My dorsal is not moist.

DETER

He still can’t hear you.

GREKKOR

Just saying.

DUNKIN

But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?

GREKKOR

Who?

CHANCE

Uh-

DUNKIN

Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?

(Deter turns off the “video.”)

GREKKOR

Was that the question? “Well?”

DETER

I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’

GREKKOR

Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?

DETER

I don’t know.

GREKKOR

My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”

CHANCE

I’ll put down “friendly visit.”

DETER

Here’s our next question…

(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)

JERI

Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!

(Deter turns off the video.)

GREKKOR

That was one of your most asked questions?

DETER

Yes.

GREKKOR

I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.

CHANCE

It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.

GREKKOR

Oh, from Manoobi.

DETER

Manoobi?

GREKKOR

Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.

CHANCE

People here think God created the universe.

GREKKOR

When?

CHANCE

When?

DETER

Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.

GREKKOR

Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.

(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)

DETER

Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.

CHANCE

But-

DETER

Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.

CHANCE

Do we have to?

DETER

It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…

(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)

MIKE

Can I fuck you?

GREKKOR

What?

MIKE

I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.

(Deter turns it off.)

DETER

I’m really sorry, Grekkor.

CHANCE

Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.

DETER

Or stupid.

CHANCE

Please don’t think less of us as a whole.

GREKKOR

I’ll have sex with him.

DETER

You will?

GREKKOR

Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.

CHANCE (opening a door)

We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.

(Mike enters.)

MIKE

He said yes?

GREKKOR (standing)

Hello, Mike.

MIKE

Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.

GREKKOR (picking up Mike)

I am happy to oblige.

MIKE

Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.

GREKKOR

That’s fine with me.

DETER

You know what that means?

GREKKOR

We call it the same thing on my planet.

(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)

MIKE

Hey, do I need a condom?

GREKKOR

Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.

MIKE

Awesome.

(They exit.)

DETER

Write down that Grekkor is a female.

CHANCE

Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.

MIKE (off)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

GREKKOR (off)

Oh, Manoobi!

(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)