Week 29, Day 199 - “People Let Me Tell Ya’”

“People Let Me Tell Ya’”
Written by Joe Janes
8/5/09
199 of 365

CAST
Don, 40s
Joe, 40s

(Lights up on Don and Joe having coffee in a coffee shop.)

JOE

What was your favorite costume at Comic Con?

DON

That guy in the Chewbacca outfit was pretty awesome.

JOE

The dude had hypertrichosis and a sash. Not a costume.

(Alice walks by carrying two “to go” cups of coffee.)

ALICE

Hey, Don.

DON

Hey, Alice. Taking a break from work?

ALICE

On a coffee run.

DON

Oh, hey, Alice. Let me introduce you to my best friend, Joe.

ALICE

Oh, you’re Joe.

JOE

Yep. I am.

(He stands and they shake hands.)

JOE (continuing)

Nice to meet you.

ALICE

Nice to meet you, too. See you later, Don.

DON

See you later. (To Joe) She’s nice.

JOE

Seems nice.

DON

What did you think was the best costume at Comic Con?

JOE

My favorite was the old fat lady with the stringy gray hair and tattooed arms and the “Han Shot First” t-shirt.

DON

That wasn’t a costume.

JOE

We don’t know that.

(Michelle walks by carrying a cup of coffee and a laptop.)

MICHELLE

Oh, hey, Joe.

JOE

Hi, Michelle. Doing some writing?

MICHELLE

Yeah. Had to get out of the house and someplace not my house.

JOE

Oh, hey, this is my friend Don.

DON

Hey.

MICHELLE

Hi.

(They shake hands, as best they can, since Michelle’s hands are full.)

JOE

Michelle is a former student.

DON

Ah.

MICHELLE

Well, you guys have fun doing whatever.

JOE

You, too.

(Michelle exits. Joe and Don sip their coffee.)

DON

You know, there’s something I noticed.

JOE

About Michelle? She’s mostly straight, I think.

DON

No, no. Not that. I noticed that whenever I introduce you to someone, I refer to you as my best friend.

JOE

Uh-hunh.

DON

And you only refer to me as your friend.

JOE

Like Kirk and Spock. I have been and always shall be your friend.

DON

But you never refer to me as your “best” friend.

JOE

I don’t think Kirk and Spock ever referred to each other as “best” friends. Goes without saying.

DON

So, you’re saying I am your best friend.

JOE

You’re up there. You’re a close second.

DON

Second? You mean, I’m McCoy?

JOE

My best friend is my cat.

DON

You put your cat ahead of me.

JOE

And I have two cats. So, I don’t take this lightly. Houdini is first, you’re second, and Oona is third.

DON

Usually “best” friend is a mutual thing. It’s like a relationship. Two-way. If I’m not your best friend, then you’re no longer my best friend.

JOE

That’s not fair. You don’t have a pet.

DON

I used to have a cat. Edgar.

JOE

You got rid of him because you’re girlfriend was allergic.

DON

So?

JOE

Bro’s before ho’s, Don. Bro’s before Ho’s. Houdini and I put each other before girls.

DON

He’s a cat.

JOE

He’s still my best friend. He listens to me-

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s there when I need him.

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s comforting.

DON

I’m comforting.

JOE

We have fun together.

DON

We have fun together,

JOE

He cuddles with me and licks my nose.

DON

I’m cuddly.

JOE

I’m sure you are. But I only cuddle with my best friend, Houdini.

(Don takes a sad, dejected sip of his coffee.)

JOE (continuing)

Look, you are the highest-ranking human on my friend list. That counts for something. You are my best human friend.

DON

I guess that’s something.

(Lian the server enters. She puts down their check.)

LIAN

I’ll take this when you’re ready.

JOE

Wait. Um, what’s your name?

LIAN

Lian.

JOE

Lian. I’d like to introduce you to my absolute best human friend ever, Don.

LIAN

Nice to meet you.

DON (cheering up a bit)

Thanks.

LIAN (to Joe)

Cat owner?

JOE

Yeah.

LIAN

So was my ex-best friend. (Slides bill to Joe) He’s paying.

(She exits. Joe takes out his wallet.)

JOE

Aw, crap. I don’t have any cash on me. (Looks pleadingly at Don)

DON

Maybe you should call your best friend. Maybe he can help you out.

(Joe sighs. Opens his backpack. A cat paw with ten dollars attached to it pops out. He takes it and puts it on the table.)

JOE

Who’s my best friend? Who’s my best friend?

(Joe then sticks his faces in the backpack and makes kissy sounds as Don puts his face in his hands. Lights fade.)