Written by Joe Janes
8/17/09
211 of 365
CAST:
Murdoch, 40s
Chandler, 30s
Sherlock Holmes, 40s
Dr. Watson, 50s
(Lights up on homicide Detective Murdoch and Officer Chandler at a crime scene on an urban street. At their feet is a body covered in a sheet.)
MURDOCH
Another day, another drive-by shooting, right Chandler?CHANDLER
Poor kid. Looks like he’s all of 17.MURDOCH
Have the city morgue tag him and bag him. Not much we can do here.(Enter Sherlock Holmes quickly followed by Dr. Watson.)
SHERLOCK
One moment, detective.WATSON
Ah, there, Holmes. I told you I heard a gunshot.SHERLOCK
Very good, Watson. It’s quite fortunate that we happened to be in the neighborhood.(Holmes lifts the sheet and looks over the body.)
MURDOCH
Who the hell are you guys?WATSON (laughing)
Oh, my. Oh, my.CHANDLER
What’s so funny?WATSON
This is the greatest detective in the world.SHERLOCK
My comrade has a tendency for hyperbole.MURDOCH
No, shit. You’re Sherlock Holmes?SHERLOCK (standing)
Indeed, I am, Detective-MURDOCH
Murdoch. Nice to meet you. Big fan. We’ve all heard of you.CHANDLER
I haven’t.
MURDOCH(Chandler shrugs.)
WATSON
It’s a good thing we’re here.CHANDLER
Don’t know what good it’s going to do. Kid was shot from a moving car. He may have been the target, it may have been a stray, may have been a case of mistaken identity-MURDOCH
May even have been done on a dare. The odds of us fingering the perp are damn near zero.WATSON
Oh, the odds don’t matter to Mr. Holmes.MURDOCH
Well, what can you tell us?SHERLOCK
Here’s what I can tell you about the victim. He’s a high school student on his way home from football practice. He's a linebacker. He’s right handed. Not an “A” student, but he made passing grades. He has an older brother overseas in the military.CHANDLER
How do you figure all that?SHERLOCK
Beefed up shoulders from blocking drills. The right shoulder is larger than the other. The calluses on his right hand indicate he does his homework, but probably uses cheap, inexpensive pens and pencils. He does the work, but doesn’t care enough to be “A” student material. His shoes are a Nike knock-off only available in the Middle East at stores that set up just outside US military bases and feature bootleg American products.WATSON
That’s brilliant.MURDOCH
Very impressive.CHANDLER
So, who’s the killer?SHERLOCK
Well, I-WATSON
I bet it was this young man’s butler!(Murdoch and Chandler shake their heads.)
WATSON (continuing)
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Spurned mistress? (They shake their heads.)
WATSON (continuing)
Oh! A close relative hoping to inherit his fortune.MURDOCH
He had a fortune?SHERLOCK
Doubtful.WATSON
Perhaps this is the devious work of Professor Moriarty trying to discredit you.SHERLOCK
Of course, Moriarty!CHANDLER (to Murdoch)
Who’s Moriarty?MURDOCH
Real asshole. Where can we find this Moriarty, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK
He’s too clever to leave any evidence at the scene of a crime. And I’m sure he’s constructed an ironclad alibi. Even if you found him, you would probably end up releasing him.(Murdoch and Chandler laugh.)
WATSON
Now, it’s my turn to ask what’s so funny?MURDOCH
This is Chicago.CHANDLER
We’ll beat a confession out of the bastard. Just point us in the right direction.
WATSON
Knowing Moriarty, he’s probably at the Men’s Club in Hyde Park boasting about duping one Sherlock Holmes.SHERLOCK
Right, you are, Watson.MURDOCH
Let’s go, Chandler. The morgue crew can clean up here. Thank you, Mr. Holmes. It was a real pleasure to see you and your associate, Dr. Watson, at work.CHANDLER
Ditto.(They exit. Holmes and Watson look at the body)
WATSON
You really don’t know who killed this lad, do you?SHERLOCK
No, I do not. Senseless violence sure has taken the fun out of detective work.WATSON
Let’s go back to that pub around the corner.SHERLOCK
Right. I believe the bartender was just about to tell us where we can score some cocaine.(They walk off. Lights fade.)
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