Week 32, Day 220- “Interest Due"

"Interest Due"
Written BY Joe Janes
8/26/09
220 of 365

CAST

Dave, 40s

Patti, 40s

(Lights up on Dave, a banker, sitting down across from Patti. Dave is dressed in a typical business suit, but nothing too fancy. Patti wears a pants suit.)

DAVE

Well, Patti, I have all your papers here. (He opens his folder) We should be able to re-negotiate your mortgage to a more manageable monthly payment for you. Oh, it does appear as though your fire insurance lapsed last month.

PATTI

Well, that’s why I’m here. If we can lower my interest rate, I can afford to reinstate my fire insurance.

DAVE

Well, that can be a factor in how we calculate your rate.

PATTI

I’m sure we’ll be able to work together, Dave.

DAVE

You are currently paying an 8% interest on a 30-year mortgage. You’ve kept up with your payments. We should be able to get this down to 6%. Does that seem reasonable?

PATTI

Sounds like it’s going in the right direction.

DAVE

Well, honestly, that is as low as we can go.

PATTI

Is it, Dave? Is it really?

(Patti crosses her legs revealing she has a holstered handgun strapped to her ankle.)

DAVE

Are you threatening me?

PATTI

Threatening you? What? No! Just making myself comfortable. I just think we can do better. Don’t you?

DAVE

How did you get that gun past security? You’re not a cop.

PATTI

I showed them my permit. My license to carry a concealed weapon in a public place. A dainty woman such as myself needs protection.

DAVE

Is it loaded?

PATTI

Not much point to carrying a gun if it weren’t.

DAVE

This is not going to help you renegotiate your mortgage.

PATTI

Dave, I’m just an American citizen exercising my right to bear arms wherever I want, whenever I want.

DAVE

You take that gun with you wherever you go?

PATTI

Don’t leave home without it.

DAVE

Shopping?

PATTI

Yep.

DAVE

The movies.

PATTI

Yep.

DAVE

Church?

PATTI

Especially church. Those people can get worked up. The Lord is my shepherd and I’m riding shotgun.

DAVE

Well, I am uncomfortable with this. You’ll need to take your business elsewhere.

PATTI

Dave, this isn’t about the gun. I’m here to renegotiate my mortgage. You’re here to help me. (She leans in) Don’t make me put my foot down.

DAVE

Okay, okay. Let’s get this over with. The best, the absolute best I can do, below what I’m supposed to do, is offer you 4% interest.

PATTI

See, Dave, that wasn’t so hard. Remember way back when, when the interest was 6% and could go no lower? Good job, Dave. Way to serve the customer.

DAVE

Sign here and here.

PATTI (signing)

Nice pen. Can I keep it?

DAVE

That was a gift from my mother-

PATTI (scratching her leg)

Ow, ow, itchy shins. Boy, it gets dry this time of year, doesn’t it?

DAVE

Keep it. Keep it. My compliments.

(He gets up and she gets up.)

PATTI

Nice doing business with you, Dave. You have a nice day.

DAVE

You, too. (She exits) You, too.

(He sits down, looking relieved. Lorna enters.)

LORNA

Dave, you’re due in the conference room.

(Dave walks off)

DAVE (off)

Um, yah, I’m not going to be able to make that meeting, Lorna.

LORNA

What should I tell the board of directors?

(Dave re-enters carrying a gasoline can and an acetylene torch.)

DAVE

Tell them I have a house to foreclose on.

(He exits. She looks concerned. Blackout.)