Written by Joe Janes
8/31/09
225 of 365
CAST
Crystal, 20s
Steve, 20s
Chandra, 20s
(Lights up on Crystal. She sits in her garden apartment living room in the dark looking very depressed. We can see the light from her phone as she checks it once or twice to see if anyone has texted her. They have not. The doorbell rings. She gets up and stands very still, waiting to hear if it really rang. It did and it does, again. She turns on the light from a wall switch revealing the sofa and floor littered with used tissues. She wears all black and wears heavy dark mascara. The doorbell rings, again.)
CRYSTAL
(Loudly) Just a… (Corrected to a softer tone) Just a second.
(She checks her look in a wall mirror. She quickly adds some lines of mascara, giving her more of a crying raccoon look. She goes to the door.)
CRYSTAL (weakly)
Who is it?
STEVE (through door)
It’s Steve.
(She collapses a little against the door, relieved that it is he. She unlocks the door and rushes back to the sofa where she throws herself into a melancholy pose.)
CRYSTAL
It’s open.
(Steve enters. He is a bright, nice looking guy. He carries a backpack over one shoulder.)
STEVE
Hi, Crystal.
CRYSTAL
Hello, Steve.
STEVE
You alone?
CRYSTAL
Chandra’s in her room studying for a mid-term.
(Pause)
STEVE
I got the note you left on my car. And the headless teddy bear you put in my mailbox. And I got your text. Well, texts. All of them. Even the last one.
CRYSTAL
My suicide text?
STEVE
Yah, your suicide text.
CRYSTAL
I can’t live without you, Steve.
STEVE
I can see that.
CRYSTAL
How can you throw our love away like this?
STEVE
I guess I felt like you were pressuring me to commit to a relationship with you. Two weeks of going out together may seem like a long time, Crystal, but-
CRYSTAL
I can’t help what my heart feels, Steve. And what if feels right now is… mutilated.
STEVE
I know, I know. (He sits down on the sofa.) Crystal, I hate seeing you like this. I’m sorry I broke your heart.
CRYSTAL
Mutilated.
STEVE
Mutilated your heart. I’m really sorry.
CRYSTAL
I was just about to take a warm bath.
STEVE
That sounds relaxing.
CRYSTAL
And slit my wrists. Would you do me a favor?
STEVE
Anything.
CRYSTAL
Could you run to the store and get me razor blades? The old-fashioned kind. All I have are Daisy leg shavers.
STEVE
Crystal. I brought you a gift.
CRYSTAL
You did?
STEVE
I think it will change your mind about razor blades.
CRYSTAL (cheering up)
What did you get me? A new teddy bear?
STEVE (reaching into his bag)
Even better. Rope.
(He pulls out a coil of rope with a noose on one end.)
CRYSTAL
Rope?
STEVE
The real sturdy kind. I figured you didn’t have any and using a belt or bathrobe sash is so unreliable. Plus, with rope, you can make a really cool noose, like this.
CRYSTAL
That’s thoughtful.
STEVE
And, the best part, no mess.
CRYSTAL
Guess I didn’t think about the clean up.
STEVE
This water pipe out to hold you. (He throws the rope over a pipe in the ceiling.)
CRYSTAL
Thanks.
STEVE
Now, I read on Wikipedia, that to really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop. (He grabs one of her chairs and puts it under the pipe.) That way, when you kick the chair out from under yourself, you’ll get a little jerk that will snap your neck as well as strangle you.
CRYSTAL
I appreciate you going to all the trouble. I kind of had my heart set on the razor blades though.
STEVE
That’s pretty slow, compared to this.
CRYSTAL
I really like red. And I think it would look more dramatic than a Crystal piñata.
STEVE
Hey, your death.
CRYSTAL (picking up her purse)
Would you mind running to the 7-11 for me?
STEVE
Sure thing. I’ve got it. Need anything else while I’m there? Cotton balls? Fabric softener? Porn?
CRYSTAL
No. I’m good.
(Steve puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her a quick nod.)
STEVE
Be back in a sec.
(Steve exits. Crystal takes some make-up wipes out of her purse and wipes off her face. Chandra walks in carrying a six-pack of cheap canned beer.)
CHANDRA
Hey, you turned the lights on. That’s cool (indicating rope). Was Steve here?
CRYSTAL
Yes.
CHANDRA
You kids getting back together?
CRYSTAL (sitting)
No. Not at all. I never want to see him at all. Ever.
CHANDRA
That’s the spirit. (Chandra sits next to her) Want to get drunk and watch mixed martial arts?
CRYSTAL
More than anything.
(They hug.)
CHANDRA (points to rope.)
Let’s keep that. Maybe we can stick a flowerpot in it.
(Lights fade as they pop open their beers.)
4 comments:
Nice work.
Not sure if I'm quite buying Steve, though. Not sure why.
Also, this is peevy but I see it occassionally: "I read on Wikipedia, that to really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop."
Doesn't that line work better like this: "To really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop. I read that on Wikipedia."
You know, set up/punchline? What do you think?
That kind of thing is what I'm thinking of when I say RvD should do a line by line read and punch-up of our scripts.
Thanks for your feedback, Chris.
Per Steve - It may not be clear that he doesn't want her to kill herself. If a person is telling you they're going to kill themselves because of you, they're trying to make you feel bad. He's taking that away by cheerfully helping her and leading her to no longer wanting to do that.
Per Set-Up/Punchline - I'm more inclined to steer away from consciously writing like that and prefer to focus on what sounds most authentic coming out of a character's mouth. Doesn't mean I don't ever use it. Depends on the tone of the piece.
The line might get a bigger laugh flipping it as you suggest, but it also might lose something on the whole. Too often "set-up/punchline" sounds exactly like that. People don't talk like they do on "According to Jim."
I agree with you re: setup/punchline, but I think it's definitely worth watching for. I don't think it's something you would worry about in a first draft, but I think it's worth considering when you go back and craft things. Also, isn't it part of the actor's job to make it sound natural?
You are right about "According to Jim." I prefer the more realistic dialogue on my favorite show, "Two And A Half Men." Although the situations on "Jim" are much considerably more realistic.
Also, I love it when people use the phrase "on the whole."
I agree in respect that it is something to consider in rewrites. As far as the actor's job to make my dialogue sound natural, I think it's my job not to make their job difficult or impossible.
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