Week 35, Day 240 - “The Film of My Love”

“The Film of My Love”

Written by Joe Janes

9/15/09

240 of 365

CAST

Sierra, 30s

Tom, 30s

Director, 50s

Mookie, 20s

Andy, 20s

(Lights up on Sierra, the pretty one, holding books and stacking them onto shelves in a bookstore. Tom, the handsome one, is on the other side of the bookstore picking a couple of books off a shelf. He turns and runs into Sierra. They both drop books and stoop down to pick them back up.)

SIERRA

Watch where you’re going, jag off.

TOM

Hey, maybe if your fat ass wasn’t taking up half the aisle, I wouldn’t have slammed into you.

DIRECTOR

Cut! (He hops up onto the stage followed by Mookie, who hands Sierra and Tom new scripts.) I don’t think you two got the new pages. We’ve decided not to go with “oh, no, they don’t get along” beginning. Take a looksie at them real quick.

(They look them over.)

DIRECTOR

Got it?

TOM

Yeah. I think so.

SIERRA

Let’s do this.

(The director and Mookie exit as Sierra and Tom reset themselves.)

DIRECTOR

And… Action!

(Tom bumps into Sierra again and they both stoop down to pick up the fallen books.)

TOM

Oh, dear, I am such a klutz. My mind is preoccupied thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I’m here buying books on how to mend a broken heart. I am so sorry.

SIERRA

Well, you really should be more careful-

(They both pick up one of the books at the same time and their eyes meet.)

SIERRA (continuing)

But that’s okay.

TOM

My name’s Tom.

SIERRA

Sierra.

TOM

I know.

SIERRA

You know?

TOM

It’s on your nametag.

SIERRA

Oh. (She laughs.) For a moment, I thought you were a stalker.

TOM (ominously)

Not yet.

DIRECTOR

Cut! (He and Mookie hop up on stage again. Mookie hands them some rewritten pages.) Sorry, kids. Really. This script is in such a state of flux. Got the producers biting melons out of my ass to make bankable, but edgy changes. There was a little tweak there at the end. Let’s pick it up from where you just both grabbed the same book and stand up…(He and Mookie exit. He continues speaking from offstage.) Ready?.... Action!

TOM

My name’s Tom.

SIERRA

Sierra.

TOM

I know. I’m psychic.

SIERRA

You are?

TOM

And I know how to read. (He points at her nametag. She laughs.) You have the most amazing eyes.

SIERRA

So do you.

(They kiss.)

DIRECTOR

And…cut!

(He and Mookie hop up on stage, again.)

TOM

That’s kind of sudden, isn’t it?

SIERRA

They did just meet.

DIRECTOR

Hey, it’s edgy and attractive and we’re doing a 90-minute rom-com here, not Lord of the BO-Rings. Quick, let’s catch the relationship montage.

SIERRA

Montage?

DIRECTOR (snapping his fingers)

Scripts, Mookie, scripts. Hand them the rewrite. Instead of spending the next 40 pages on you two getting to know each other, we’re just going to cram the highlights into a two-minute green screen montage. Ready?

SIERRA

Two minutes?

DIRECTOR

Too long? You might be right. Minute and a half. Ready?

TOM

Not really.

DIRECTOR

Don’t sweat it. Mookie will call out the scenes. (He and Mookie hop off stage.) Ready….and action!

(A fun upbeat pop tune kicks in. Something like “When Love Comes Knocking” by The Monkees.)

MOOKIE

Walking along the beach!

(Tom and Sierra walk along hand and hand and pretend to kick at the surf.)

MOOKIE

Horse carriage ride!

(Tom and Sierra pretend to be in the back of a horse carriage snuggling under a blanket.)

MOOKIE

Sharing an ice-cream cone.

(Tom and Sierra pretend to be sharing an ice-cream cone. Sierra takes a bit of ice cream and puts it on the tip of Tom’s nose. They laugh. Tom, with a devilish grin, holds the ice-cream cone out to Sierra. She takes a lick and he pushes it into her face. They laugh. She boxes one of his ears. He slaps her across the face. They laugh. She kicks him in the balls. He drops to his knees and, since he’s there anyway, punches her in the groin. She falls back; they look at each other and laugh.)

DIRECTOR

And cut! (He and Mookie hop back up onto stage.) Well done, well done. Cute as shit. So true to life. Everyone falls in love like that. I thought we might have to cut the cooter punch, but you two really sold it. Good job. What’s next Mookie?

MOOKIE

Boy loses girl.

DIRECTOR

Right, right.

SIERRA

Party scene where he kisses his ex-girlfriend and I see it, right?

TOM

No, no. We changed it. You accept a job overseas.

DIRECTOR

We’ve really got to do a better job of keeping you two apprised of rewrites. Sierra gets kidnapped by terrorists.

MOOKIE

Actually, she dies of cancer.

DIRECTOR

Oh, right, right. Cancer replaced terrorists. Terrorists are so not next year. Cancer is always in vogue.

TOM

So, I literally lose her.

SIERRA

I get a death scene? Awesome. Hello, Oscar! (She tries to high five Tom, who does not reciprocate. She turns to the director, who delegates it,)

DIRECTOR

Mookie…

(Mookie returns Sierra’s high five.)

DIRECTOR (continuing)

Actually, Sierra, cancer’s romantic and all, but takes too long. So, you get cancer, don’t tell Tom because you don’t want him see you all cancery, and manufacture a reason to break up with him-

MOOKIE

You’re just not that in to him.

DIRECTOR

Which he goes along with, but doesn’t really buy. So, he follows you.

MOOKIE

You suspect he’s following you, so you start walking faster, tears streaming down your cheeks, until you’re running and then you turn right into a bus.

TOM

But, it’s a romantic comedy.

DIRECTOR

With an edge.

TOM

Okay, okay. With an edge. But, I’m still supposed to get her in the end, right?

DIRECTOR

You do.

SIERRA

How? I’m dead.

DIRECTOR

Tom gets to keep your ashes.

MOOKIE

And then when Tom dies of a broken heart, he has his ashes mixed with yours and then thrown into the ocean.

SIERRA

Who does that?

DIRECTOR

Your gay best friend.

SIERRA

What gay best friend?

(Andy flamboyantly steps out onto the stage.)

ANDY

Did somebody call for a gay best friend?

DIRECTOR

Not yet, Andy. Go back to your trailer.

MOOKIE

We stocked it with gay things.

(Andy pouts, turns and walks off.)

TOM

He hasn’t been in the story at all up to this point.

DIRECTOR

We’ll retrofit him, CG him into the earlier scenes. Don’t worry. People will buy it. Any questions?

SIERRA

Why are we doing this?

TOM

That’s a good question. Aren’t there enough romantic comedies, with or without edge, in the world?

DIRECTOR

It’s a love story. People love love. Goes all the way back to Romeo and Juliet.

SIERRA

The 90s?

DIRECTOR

Or look at how many love songs there are. Every band churns them out, The Beatles built a career on it. People are hungry for them. People want what they don’t have and what they don’t have is a decent love story of their own.

MOOKIE

We need to break for the day, Sir. Union rules.

DIRECTOR

All right, that’s a wrap people. Be back on the set bright and early tomorrow. We’ll start with the “I’ve Got Can-Can-Cancer” music video number.

(Sierra and Tom have no idea what he’s talking about. The director and Mookie exit. Sierra and Tim shrug at one another.)

TOM

Want to go get a cup of coffee?

SIERRA

No.

(Tom nods. They stand there awkwardly. Lights fade.)