Week 36, Day 247 - ""Climate Change

“Climate Change”

Written by Joe Janes

9/22/09

247 of 365

CAST
Scott, 40s

Kristi, 40s

Joanie, 20s

Raymond, 30s

(Lights up on Kristi sitting in a small folding chair in front of a tent. Scott crawls out of the tent and stands up and looks around.)

SCOTT

This was a good idea.

KRISTI

This was a great idea.

SCOTT

I love being outdoors.

KRISTI

It really makes me feel alive.

SCOTT

And eating nothing but what we fish out of the lake.

KRISTI

Living off this sweet, sweet land.

SCOTT

It gives.

KRISTI

It’s a giver.

SCOTT

We should do this more often.

KRISTI

We should do this all the time and go live inside for vacations. How effing great would that be?

SCOTT

I didn’t realize national parks were so cheap.

KRISTI

It’s like we’re stealing Mother Nature. Makes me want to tip the bears. With money.

SCOTT

Feel this. Feel my face.

(She does.)

KRISTI

Ouchy-oohy.

SCOTT

No place for a man to plug in his electric shaver out here.

KRISTI

Not an extension cord long enough.

SCOTT

Didn’t even realize there would be no electricity or phone service.

KRISTI

There’s that pay phone at the ranger station.

SCOTT

Pay phone? What’s that?

(They laugh.)

SCOTT (continuing)

Nothing but nature.

KRISTI

Nothing but nature.

(He gets teary and holds out his hand. She notices this and puts her hand in his. They hear an eagle fly overhead.)

SCOTT

Holy shit, that’s an eagle.

KRISTI

That is one beautiful fucking eagle.

(They watch it till it flies out of view.)

SCOTT

Makes you wonder what it’s all about.

KRISTI

Our lowly existence on this great majestic lump of spinning mud.

SCOTT

We are not worthy to step upon this land.

KRISTI

We should crawl in reverence, but that would actually put more of our body in contact with the ground. If I could, I would float.

SCOTT

Me, too.

KRISTI

And not eat or breathe.

SCOTT

And not eat or breathe.

(We hear a car pull up. A car door slams. Joanie, a pizza deliverer, enters carrying a pizza.)

JOANIE

This lot 826?

KRISTI

No, I-

SCOTT

Yes. Yes it is.

JOANIE

That’s $16.50.

(Scott fishes a twenty out of his wallet.)

SCOTT

Here you go. Keep the change.

JOANIE

Thanks. Be careful of bears. They like pizza, too.

SCOTT

Gotcha. Thanks.

(Scott sits down and opens the pizza box. He takes out a slice and is about to eat it when he notices Kristi glaring at him.)

SCOTT (continuing)

What?

JOANIE

Nature or pizza?

(Scott looks guilty and puts the pizza back, closing the lid. Raymond, in a big guy in a jogging suit not meant for jogging enters.)

RAYMOND

Hey, there, sort of neighbors. I ordered a pizza for me and my pain-in-the-ass kids and their equally painsome mother. You ain’t seen it, have you?

SCOTT

The pizza lady-

KRISTI

Just drove off. You just missed her.

RAYMOND

Fer chrissake’s. The dingbat. Hey, what’s that?

KRISTI

Oh, that. Just an old pizza box. We had some last night.

SCOTT

I was just about to throw it away.

RAYMOND

I’m heading by the trashcans, I can get that-

(Kristi quickly gets up and stands between Raymond and the pizza. They have an intense moment.)

SCOTT

There’s still a slice or two left.

RAYMOND (slowly backing off)

All right, then. Guess I’ll call that pizza place up and give them a piece of my mind. Probably get a couple free pies out of it.

SCOTT

Always a silver lining.

RAYMOND

I guess.

(He stares at Kristi one more time. He walks off. Kristi turns, sits, open the box and pulls out a slice.)

SCOTT

Nature or pizza?

KRISTI

Pizza.

(Blackout.)