Week 36, Day 252- "Three Bags Full"

“Three Bags Full”

Written by Joe Janes

9/27/09

252 of 365

CAST:

Matt, 50s

Brian, 40s

Stephen, 30s

Meme, 20s

Sharla, 20s

Bartender

(Lights up on Meme sitting at a small table sipping a drink. Sitting next to her is her friend, a heavyset woman named Sharla. Matt, Brian, And David enter. They all wear untucked striped dress shirts. They all see Meme and move towards her as one.)

MATT

Hey, there, little Filly.

BRIAN

What are you doing later?

STEPHEN

Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

(She tries to ignore them.)

MATT

I drive a big car.

BRIAN

I make lots of moo-la.

STEPHEN

Say –

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

That’s a hot outfit.

MATT

The only thing that would make it look better would be not seeing it at all.

BRIAN

I’m really quite sensitive,

STEPHEN

My woman doesn’t understand me.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I was bit by a dog when I was four.

MATT

You really turn me on.

BRIAN

Say-

STEPHEN

That perfume you’re wearing-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I might just lose control.

MATT

What’s this in my Coke?

BRIAN

Relax-

STEPHEN

Baby-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I’m not going to bite. Yet.

MATT

Let’s go to my place.

BRIAN

My parents are out of town.

STEPHEN

I think I might be gay.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Will you help me?

MATT

You’d like me if you got to know me better.

BRIAN

Everyday, I’m either giving blood-

STEPHEN

Recycling-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Humping the homeless.

MATT

Saving the rainforests.

BRIAN

The ozone.

STEPHEN

The whales.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Well, not all the whales.

(They simultaneously all turn and look at Sharla.)

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN (continuing)

I like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Michael Booooo-blay. I like running marathons, biking the drive, and cleaning my oven.

MATT

Deep down-

BRIAN

Underneath-

STEPHEN

Buried deep beneath several layers of fat-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I’m really very intuitive to what a woman needs. (They all three stick out their tongues and lap at a giant, imaginary vagina.) I really just want to get to know you better.

MEME (standing)

You’re pathetic. If you ever want to get anywhere with me physically, you first have to get somewhere with me mentally. You have to sincerely be interested in who I am... unless, of course, I’m drunk.

(She exits.)

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Can we buy you a drink?

(She does not respond.)

BARTENDER (offstage)

Last call!

(They turn their attention to Sharla.)

MATT

Hey, there, little Filly.

BRIAN

What are you doing later?

STEPHEN

Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

(Blackout.)