Week 42, Day 289 - "This Will Be Our Year"

“This Will Be Our Year”

Written by Joe Janes

11/3/09

289 of 365

CAST

Ronald, 50s

Charlotte, 50s

Sissy, 20s

Conrad, 40s

Ron-Ron, late teens

Aunt Hazel, 70s

(Lights up on the whole family sitting down to dinner. Fairly normal looking family, except Conrad has many visible tattoos and piercings.)

CHARLOTTE

Here we go, everyone. My famous pot roast. Sissy helped me with it, Conrad.

SISSY

Mom.

CONRAD

It smells wonderful, Mrs. Teaberry.

CHARLOTTE

Mrs. Teaberry? Who’s that? My mom? Call me Charlotte.

CONRAD

Okay. Charlotte.

RONALD

May as well call us by our first names. Your closer to us in age than you are to our daughter’s.

SISSY

Dad.

RONALD

Call me “Ronald.” Just being friendly, Sissy.

RON-RON

Can I go over to Marcus’s and look at his grandpa’s stool sample?

CHARLOTTE

No, Ron-Ron. Sit and eat your dinner. We don’t all get together very often.

AUNT HAZEL (bitterly)

And I’ll be dead soon. Enjoy me while you can.

RON-RON (hesitantly)

Okay.

RONALD

You’re not dying, Aunt Hazel.

AUNT HAZEL

The hell I’m not.

CHARLOTTE

Technically, we’re all dying. Aren’t we, really?

RON-RON

Me, too?

CHARLOTTE

Not as much as the rest of us.

RON-RON

But I want to die, too.

RONALD

Keep pushing it and we’ll make sure that happens, young man.

AUNT HAZEL

Who’s the freak show?

SISSY

Aunt Hazel!

CONRAD

It’s okay, hon’. I’m Conrad. Sissy’s boyfriend.

AUNT HAZEL

Ain’t that just fucking wonderful.

CHARLOTTE

Aunt Hazel! Language!

AUNT HAZEL

Wear a condom. You don’t want your babies to have prince alberts.

RON-RON

Can I get a prince albert?

RONALD

Not till your old enough to pay for one yourself. Now, no more talk of penile piercings at the dinner table. It makes me uncomfortable.

CHARLOTTE

Everyone enjoy the pot roast.

RONALD

Good idea. (They all eat a few moments in silence. Ronald stands.)

CHARLOTTE

Dear…

SISSY

Oh, no…

RONALD

I just want to say something. This is the first time in a long time our whole family has sat down at the dinner table to share a meal. We don’t even seem to be able to pull this off during the holidays. Yet, hear we are. No special occasion. And joined by my little girl’s latest beau who was probably having sex a good five years before she was born. But, love is blind, right? You never know. Maybe this is the one. Time will tell. We thought Chuck was the one. Age-appropriate, college educated, decent job with potential. But Sissy thought he was boring. A year and a divorce later, she’s back living under our roof. Which is nice. We’re all here. Even though we had to move Aunt Hazel from Sissy’s old room to the attic, she seems capable of taking those stairs. If she had married and had children, perhaps they would have been able to take care of her. But, no. She thought all she needed was her twenty-seven cats, until the health department kicked her out of her studio apartment. Here she is with us. Family. And, fortunately, cat-less.

AUNT HAZEL

You and Charlotte found them all good homes.

RONALD

We sure did. They are all in a better place. Ron-Ron is failing all his classes and taking every medicine we can shove down his throat. I think he’ll be blessing us with his presence until his mid-to-late thirties.

RON-RON

My acne’s cleared up.

CHARLOTTE

It has. You look so handsome.

RON-RON

And I don’t want to drink gasoline as much as I used to.

RONALD

All good news. Charlotte lost her job at the nursing home after being falsely accused of sexually molesting the patients.

CHARLOTTE

It was sponge bath.

RONALD

I work. I work. And I work. On the weekends, I yell at everyone here. And then Monday, I go back to work. Been at the same salary for eight years. Times have been tough. We have all hit our bumps in the road. But you know, what. We’re family. Even you, Conrad. We’re family. And this coming year will be our year. Things will turn around. I’ll get a raise, maybe a promotion. Charlotte will get a new job, one not involving scrubbing male genitalia. Aunt Hazel will…chill out. Sissy and Conrad will find happiness and start building a future together. Ron-Ron will discover some hidden artistic talent and we’ll all discover the genius we all hoped he could be. Yes. This will be our year. I declare it. It is hereby declared. Make it so.

(He sits. They all resume eating.)

CHARLOTTE

That was lovely.

SISSY

Thanks, Dad.

CONRAD

Really makes me think, Ronald. Thanks.

RON-RON

I’ll try harder in school, I promise. I’ll start in on my homework right after dinner.

RONALD

And I’ll help you.

AUNT HAZEL

We truly are a family.

(They go back to eating. Aunt Hazel chokes on something and spits something out and holds it up.)

RONALD

What is it, Aunt Hazel?

AUNT HAZEL

A cat whisker!

(Ronald and Charlotte try to hide their guilt as everyone else starts to gag. Black out.)