Amateur Sneezer

I have a lot of experience sneezing. Sometimes, I even like it. I really thought I had it down. Yesterday, I somehow bit the side of my tongue while sneezing. Not sure how I so grossly miscalculated my tongue-to-teeth placement while forcefully expelling air. First bit of meat I've tasted in twenty years. It has not swayed me from being a vegetarian. If I sneeze again and happen to be int he kitchen, I'll take a swig of teriyaki sauce first.

TRAGEDY AND HOPE

Nathan Janes, cousin and kick ass political artist, has a new piece...



According to the Pop Arf press release accompanying the announcement...

Janes says that he was moved to complete the painting as the crisis in Tibet has continued to exist for several decades with very little response from foreign governments, even in light of the recent Olympic Games held in Beijing. "Many people may have forgotten that Tibetan culture is being purposefully destroyed by the practices and policies of China and that Tibetan monks still go missing today." Janes fears that if citizens of the world are not cognizant of the issue, then the United States and other countries will continue to go silent due to China's role as an major economic player in the world market.

There's something about the vacant look in the eye of the dog that speaks to the pain and resignation happening in that country. And Nate is right, if the super powers of the world weren't up to their asses in debt to China, we'd be all over them on this.

TUESDAY

I cannot wait. I am sick of this election. I get it. I know who I want. Let's go. The only fun I get is watching McCain's panicky scatter shot "try anything" approach to campaigning. His latest has been to actually have Joe the Plumber (who isn't a licensed plumber) at rallies, parading him out like a sports team mascot shooting McCain-Palin t-shirts out of a cannon at the crowd. Sure. Why not? He's already spoken more to the press than the GOP ticket.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Carla, an angelfish at the London Aquarium, recently underwent an operation for what?"

50% said "scaly skin"
- You know what's good for that? Secrete some fish oil on it.

25% said "a throat polyp"
- Didn't read the warnings on that pack of cigarettes.

No one said "a cold"
- No sneezing and lopping off pieces of tongue for Carla.

25% got it right with "a hernia"

According to The Sun, Carla the angelfish has a life-saving op — to cure a hernia. The 10-in long creature was anaesthetised before vet Sue Thornton used a scalpel, needle and forceps to repair the hole. Water was pumped through her body and over her gills so she could breathe during the 30-minute, £500 procedure. She has now fully recovered. James Oliver of London Aquarium, where Carla has lived for 10 years, said: “I guess it’s a bit extreme to operate on a small tropical fish, but she’s almost family.”

Sue, who had two helpers, was called in after organs started to squeeze out Carla’s side. She said: “I’m thrilled she survived.”

The two helpers aren't. They had sushi rice boiling in the other room, just in case things didn't work out.

How did Carla even get a hernia? Nobody told her that the lid on the treasure chest would open on its own if you just wait for it.

I Believe...

...artistic directors need to direct artistically. Make choices based on vision, mission and instinct. Marketing doesn't dictate the art in order to make marketing easier.

...that it is awesome the CTA will haul my ass across town for two bucks. Cheaper than dealing with a car and I get a lot of reading and work done. But I would gladly pay them $2.50 if they ran on time, kept the trains and buses safe and clean, and kept their station and bus staff happier than their executives. $3 if they can also figure out a way to have pretty ladies take the empty seat next to me instead of the usual big burly men who smell like Old Spice and farts.

...that my heart belongs to failing art forms. Oh, sure, I'll poop out that short wacky video, if you like, and show you the Emmy I accidentally broke by dropping it in a box of kitty litter, and I would drop everything if anyone in NY or LA said "Come. We have a well-paying job for you." but my heart belongs to Old Time Radio and theater. I feel like I arrived fifty years late to a party.

...that I am really enjoying watching the Republican Party eat itself. McCain is a maverick. And that's admirable, but also the problem. Mavericks aren't team players or team leaders. Mavericks buck the system, not become the system.

...I don't get litter. What fires off in someone's brain that says, "Okay, I'm done with my thirty-two ounces of caramel-colored artificially-flavored corn syrup bubbly water. I guess the thing to do now is open my hand and let the cup fall to the ground or floor of the bus."? I'm sure there's some deeper psychological anger/entitlement thing going on with people where litter is their way to say "Fuck you!" to the world. If you want respect, you have to be respectful. Treat the world like a trash bin and you'll be treated like a trash bin. Litterally.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman were arrested for plotting a crime spree that was to end with them wearing white tuxedoes and top hats while doing what?"

10% said "voting for McCain"
- Thank God the police stopped them!

No one said "bitch-slapping Biden" or "hunting Palin"

90% got it right with "shooting at Obama"

According to The Smoking Gun, according to a court affidavit sworn out by a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agent, Daniel Cowart, 20, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, began discussing the murder plot after meeting online about a month ago. In the ATF affidavit, Cowart and Schlesselman "discussed the killing spree to include targeting a predominately African-American school, going state to state while robbing individuals and continuing to kill people." The pair's "final act of violence" would be an attempt to kill Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee. In separate interviews with investigators, the men said that they planned to speed their vehicle toward Obama while "shooting at him from the windows." Apparently befitting the historic assault, Cowart and Schlesselman "stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt."

They were almost ready to run with this plan. Here's Cowart's mom putting the finishing touches on their top hats.

Gorilla Pop

Robot vs Dinosaur did our last show at Gorilla Tango in Wicker Park and are mounting our new show, Are You There God? It's Me, Satan in the same venue this Friday. Gorilla Tango is a small storefront theater run by newlywed couple, Dan and Kelly. GT makes its bread and butter renting to transient theater companies, mostly budding young comedy groups.What makes GT different, is that they do, from time-to-time, attract theater companies doing plays that stray from longform improv or the sketch revue format. It really is an omnibus of theater. Dan and Kelly will also produce a few shows a year themselves and they are looking for plays.

So, listen up writers. Here's their listing over at Chicago Plays...

Playwrights

Gorilla Tango Theatre

Playwrights are invited to submit original 60-90 minute plays for consideration to be produced by Gorilla Tango Theatre (www.gorillatango.com) in 2009. Guidelines: 1) Plays should be written by a present day or one-time Chicagoland resident. 2) Plays should deal with some aspect of living in Chicago, the Chicago experience, or what it means to be a Chicagoan (etc). 3) Plays should be sent in electronic format only (ie as a pdf or word attachment); links to plays will also be accepted. Submit plays to kelly@gorillatango.com. Hard copies will not be accepted. 4) Please include a brief author bio. Plays must be received by November 1, 2008. Please contact Kelly Williams at kelly@gorillatango.com with questions.

Job Posted On:

10/7/2008

Website:

www.gorillatango.com

Email:

kelly@gorillatango.com

Contact Name:

Kelly Williams

The Chicago angle is new. Last year, they were open to any ol' submission and they got flooded. They wanted to narrow the parameters a bit to reduce the numbers and make sure they were able to consider all the submissions.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Dennis Klermund no longer works at the Del Taco restaurant in Lakewood, Colorado after a couple found what in their bag of tacos?"

10% said "dead mouse"
- How could they tell?

9% said "finger nails"
- They were colorful Lee Press-on Nails, so, why complain?

No one went for "cash from the register"
- Probably because anyone getting carry out at Del Taco ain't going to tell anyone.

81% got it right with "marijuana"

According to The Associated Press, a Colorado couple found an unusual topping on their order of tacos: a small bag of marijuana.

They discovered the drugs with their order from a Del Taco restaurant and called police, said Lakewood police spokesman Steve Davis.

Twenty-six-year-old Dennis Klermund, who police say waited on the husband when he picked up food Oct. 16, faces charges of possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Klermund initially denied any knowledge but admitted the bag was meant for a friend after a search dog found more marijuana in a locker, police said.

I think Dennis has learned an important lesson here. Pot, then Mexican food. Not pot with Mexican food. If you are going to mix, get the soft shells tacos for easier rolling.

Let's Be Clear About This...

FAKE AMERICA

(Thank you The Food Pornographer.)

REAL AMERICA

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Moviefone.com did a poll on who America thought was the best movie president ever. Who won?"

18% said "Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact""
- Let's face it, America isn't ready for a black president who is going to be tested by a giant asteroid.

16% said "Bill Pullman in "Independence Day""
- The dude didn't even know the truth about Area 51. I want a president who regularly meets with aliens.

8% said "Terry Crews in "Idiocracy""
- Gets my vote. He ranked number 15.

58% got it right with "Harrison Ford in "Air Force One""

According to Moviefone.com, Harrison Ford is the man America would want in the Oval Office, or on Air Force One, in a crisis. President James Marshall. His platform? Never negotiate with terrorists -- even if they've hijacked Air Force One and are holding your family hostage. Instead, simply take a cue from Bruce Willis in 'Die Hard' and pick your captors apart piece by piece. See, the "zero tolerance" policy works -- and it'll get you votes!

Still, pit President Marshall against President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho and see who wins in the monster truck arena.

Sneaky

There are two search words that seem to bring people to this site more than any other. They are "labia" and "Viagra." Not just the word "labia," mind you, the phrase "nice labia."

These search words will bring unsuspecting surfers to "Hey, Nice Labia!" (a commentary about the plastic surgery procedure "vaginal rejuvenation") and "The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra" (a sketch I wrote for a biology class. I got an "A," thank you.) Hey, whatever gets you here or gets you off, doesn't matter to me. Sometimes they even stick around to read what I wrote. Almost always they click of the "anal bleaching" link in the labia article.

What I never expected was someone planting an ad in the comment section of the Viagra sketch.

2 comments:

Shain A said...

What makes you a REAL man? This is a question of manhood. For men, they have to be able and willing to perform all night long. I love to be intimate with my partner as long as I want but what about when I’m tired or had a rough day at work. http://www.besthealthmed.com/viagra_ed.html

October 24, 2008 1:13 AM

Joe Janes said...

Your claim that it takes having an erection (if it lasts over four hours, see a doctor) and being able to do it "all night long" to make one a real man is pure bullshit. If that were true, and it takes a pill to fulfill the illusion of manhood, than I say that makes you even less of a man. There's only one reason to take viagra - you like having boners. Period. And you are too lazy to explore healthy alternatives.

However, I am leaving your post and link section up. While obviously pro-viagra over cialis, making one suspicious of who is behind "Best Health Med," and it peddles in the "real man" advertising baloney, it does state the side effects and doesn't appear to directly sell viagra. I suppose that comes when you sign up for the newsletter.

October 24, 2008 5:41 AM

Pretty wild. DON'T click on his link, unless you really want the inside track on working up a pharma hard on. This guy probably makes money on the amount of traffic he generates. What's funny about the site is that it presents itself as a mens health web magazine in the UK. There's even a "Humour" section. That page is blank, by the way. Guys desperate to get their meat stick propped up probably don't have much of a sense of humor.

WEEK TWO OF MORAL FIXATIONS, LAST CHANCE TO SEE CHEDDAR MOON

Moral Fixations, the The Second City Training Center Writing 5 show I directed, has its second show tonight. Last week nearly sold out. If you plan on coming, I suggest you buy your ticket on-line, or show up an hour to half an hour early to buy your ticket at the Skybox box office.

The Best of the Tens, the show that features my ten-minute play, Cheddar Moon, closes this weekend. Last week was interesting. An actor in a two-person piece was running late. He almost literally ran in the door and onto the stage. The problem with only doing a show once a week, is that you usually have to run it beforehand or you risk blanking out and getting lost on stage. That's exactly what happened to these two guys. There's is one of the stronger pieces of the show and they managed to stay in character and also add about five uncomfortable minutes to the show while trying to find their way. I've got a feeling that won't happen to them again. Ever. The show is likely to sell out, so definitely buy your tickets on-line or early at the door (seriously, come an hour or two early, buy your ticket, go over to Old Town Ale House, have a beer, look at the naked painting of Sarah Palin, come back for the show).



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexual harassment. He blames his behavior on what?"

25% said "prescription medicine"
- Must have been on that website about Viagra.

26% said "a bad break-up"
- "It's not you, it's me. I really think we should harass other people."

16% said "mixed signals"
- He was really just trying to get them to relax when he took his pants off.

33% got it right with "jock itch"

According to The New York Daily News, a gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexually harassing two male sergeants and creating a lewd, hostile work environment, the Daily News has learned.Lt. Kieran Crowe, 50, denied the allegations, and blamed his behavior on "jock itch."

Oh, but this is where it really gets good...

Sgts. Dominic Coppola and Sean Gallagher filed an internal complaint against Crowe in 2004, when all three men worked at the Office of Equal Employment Opportunity at Police Headquarters. They also sued the city and the NYPD in Manhattan Federal Court.

The sergeants said Crowe, a 23-year NYPD veteran, simulated masturbating and wiggled his tongue at them in a sexually suggestive manner in the 12th-floor office which, ironically, investigates harassment in the workplace.

Crowe's lawyers called as a witness a dermatologist, who said Crowe was treated for a body rash and jock itch between 2001 and 2004, records show.

Trial commissioner John Grappone rejected that argument. In a ruling issued over the summer, Grappone said no medical condition warrants "extensive staring at crotches, masturbation gestures, tongue gestures and sighing sounds."

Clearly, this trial commissioner has never had jock itch. The only thing that helps me is copious amounts of hand cream and drooling, I mean, surfing the website, Got MILF?.

Good Day

I have decided to end all my e-mail correspondences today with "Good Day." There's something about it that sounds very professional and Dickens-y hardass.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THEA LUX!

Last night was Thea's birthday and she celebrated by having a party at Whirlyball. It was a blast, except for that one time when the scary dude who works there stopped the game to yell at us for having too many head-on collisions. But then it gave us something to make fun of for the rest of the night.

This is for Thea. I have no idea what it is about, but I imagine they are singing about how their love for Thea Lux helps them defeat monsters.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Since being announced as the vice-president candidate, the Republican National Committee has spent $150,000 for Sarah Palin's what?"

16% said "family lodging and travel"
- No. That's only around $20,000 since she became governor and she bills Alaska for that, because, you know, she's a maverick.

16% said "spiritual advisor"
- She only uses him when a witch hunt is involved. She likes to shoot witches from helicopters.

No one said "tutors for her children"
- How are these kids getting schooled while out campaigning with mom? I hope they're not home schooled. "You can watch TV, but only with the sound turned off, you can read - just not books, newspapers or magazines, here's a gun, let's go shoot something."

68% got it right with "clothes and make-up"

According to The Huffington Post, Politico reports that the RNC has been shelling out the big bucks--over $150,000--on Sarah Palin and her family's wardrobe since she joined the McCain ticket in late August. According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74. The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September. The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

So, you see, America, she's just like any Hockey Mom from Main Street. Except what that Hockey Mom makes in a year, she spends on clothes and make-up for a week. Joe Six-Pack is going to have to switch to Joe Forty Ounce to cover this bill.

The RNC did say that the clothes will be donated to charity. Yah. Right. Can't wait to see the homeless guy near my El stop looking like a drag queen Tina Fey.

Good day!

I Believe...

...the future is here. We can take a little pill for anything. Unfortunately, that little pill has ten other side effects as bad or worse than what ails you, but don't worry. There's a pill for each one of those, too.

...that when someone is ill, a sign of their recovery is the return of their hunger. When someone goes through a break-up, a sign of recovery is having fun flirting.

...that 'barista' is just a fancy word for to keep low wage fast food workers from feeling completely like shit while making the soy latte the lady in the fur jacket is just going to have them remake because the foam isn't foamy enough for her.

...homeless people would be less scary if they weren't so grumpy. Remember, homeless dude, that McDonald's drink cup you pulled out of the trash isn't 90% empty, it's 10% full (5% backwash).

...Musicals that simply imitate a film for the stage caters to the morons holding civilization back from evolving intellectually. A good story should be able to stand uniquely on its own as a novel, play, pop-up book, whatever. To simply recreate a film on stage with millions of dollars of copycat eye candy is creatively weak.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

(editor's note: Apparently, I screwed up entering the date and time for the poll/quiz to close and ended up only leaving about a one hour window from the time of posting to the time of closing. My bad and my apologies for anyone who didn't get to show off their smarts.)

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at Florida State University have created a material 10x lighter than paper and stronger than steel. They call it what?"

100% said "adamantium"
- No. As Gene Grillo once told me, adamantium is the strongest substance known to comic book artists.

No one said "wonderflonium" or "THX 1138"

No one got the correct answer, "buckypaper"

According to The Huffington Post, buckypaper is 10 times lighter but potentially 500 times stronger than steel when sheets of it are stacked and pressed together to form a composite. Unlike conventional composite materials, though, it conducts electricity like copper or silicon and disperses heat like steel or brass. So far, buckypaper can be made at only a fraction of its potential strength, in small quantities and at a high price. The Florida State researchers are developing manufacturing techniques that soon may make it competitive with the best composite materials now available.

The best thing about buckypaper is its potential use on Klingon starships to build tanks to transport whales from the past to the future to communicate with destructive probes from the outer regions of space.