Three Ugly Sweaters

Three ugly sweaters wearing three ugly sweaters.



This is just before the bevvy of Playboy bunnies came over for martinis and massages.


BEARDWATCH



One week, two days. A lot of scratching.


SKETCHFEST RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FRIDAY


8PM

FRIED GREEN DURBINS - North Theater - Megan Green and John Durbin. Very funny two-person sketch show. Smart, often silly and dark. Good stuff.

BRI-KO - South theater - All silent. All funny.

9PM

NORTH BRITON THEATRE COMPANY - West Theater - I am not familiar with any of the three 9pm slot shows, but if I were going to take a chance on one, I'd see the North Briton Theatre Company from Manchester England and their show "Not the Footlights" for no other reason than to see what the Brits are up to these days when it comes to sketch comedy.

10PM

ELEPHANT LARRY - North Theater - From New York. I've heard good things. About them. And New York.

TEN WEST - South Theater - The show to see, if you haven't seen these guys. Very fine, well executed silent comedy.

11PM

TEAM SUBMARINE - South Theater - Like Elephant Larry, these guys are becoming Sketchfest staples. Might be worth checking them out to see why.

For ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"McCain campaign mascot Joe the Plumber has a new gig as what?"

40% said "Joe the Wal-Mart Manager"
- "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Meet me in the parking lot and I'll sell you my CD and book out of the trunk of my car."

20% said "Joe the Dancing With The Stars contestant"
- Really not so hard to believe. Look for this by the end of the year.

No one bit on "Joe the Barista"

40% got it right with "Joe the War Correspondent"

According to NBC affiliate WNWO-TV in Toledo, the Ohio man who became a household name during the presidential campaign says he is heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site pjtv.com.

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher (WUR'-zuhl-bah-kur) says he'll spend 10 days covering the fighting.

He tells WNWO-TV in Toledo that he wants to let Israel's "'Average Joes' share their story."

This is a wonderful idea! Look, credible journalism is going down the toilet, so let's load up the bowl and give it a big flush. Other celebrities we should immediately make into war correspondents include: Danny Bonaduce, Richard Simmons, Jay Leno, Tanya Harding, that ShamWow guy, Gary Busey, and any non celebrity you see on any VH-1 show interjecting forced snarky stupid comments about inane things (except Brad).

Sketchfest 2009

The Chicago Sketchfest begins tonight!

From their website...

The Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival is an annual event that celebrates the best in local, national and international sketch comedy. Over two weeks, 100 sketch comedy troupes will perform 125 shows. In addition to the performances, we offer workshops, networking events, and children's programming. The Chicago SketchFest is the world's largest sketch comedy festival, with hundreds of funny people in one convenient location - laughter guaranteed.

What the blurb fails to mention is that it is also madness. The energy in the Theater Building over the next two weeks will be through the roof. The lobby will be crowded shoulder-to-shoulder between shows. Shows won't start on time. Many shows are only performed once. If you hear about a great show someone saw and that you might want to see, it's probably too late. And it's a buttload of fun. And it's a festival, which means you'll see good shows, great shows and some really God awful shows.



Don and I have performed in it the last two years and, sadly, opted not to put a show together this round mainly because of his ill-timed decision to go through a divorce with our director during the months we would need to write and rehearse the show. Bastard. It's always about him.

There are a lot of shows going on and, while it's impossible to have a clear grasp on each group and which one you should make sure you see, I'll throw a few suggestions out over the course of the next two weeks.


THURSDAY - January 8th (Tonight!)

- 8pm -

Tough choices, you really can't lose. Sketchfest is opening strong. There's a good show in each of the three theaters.

North Theater - KERPATTY - A two-person troupe made up of the just plain inherently funny Pat Dwyer and Erin Pallesen. It promises to be a "funplosion." It's also directed by Jen Ellison. So there. Kerpatty has a rare second and longer slot at Sketchfest next Saturday night. If you can see them then, do that, and go see one of these other shows.

South Theater - SOLO DUET - Another two-person show with Jet Eveleth and Lyndsay Hailey, two of the sharpest, funniest ladies in Chicago. It would have been great if they had teamed Solo Duet and Kerpatty up on one bill.

West Theater - DENISE'S BOOK CLUB - is pleased to present a scaled-down version of the group's latest production, "Le Coq Plastique." A great show, sad to see it truncated, but if you missed it before, see it now. You can read my review of that show HERE.

- 9:30pm -

There's only one group playing that I'm familiar with and would go see.

West Theater - Hey You Millionaires is comprised of published humor author, a nationally produced playwright, and a high school English teacher. They create the kind of surprising, dark comedy that makes comedians laugh yet is accessible to everyone. My only cause for concern is that they are partnered with an LA group called Slow Children Playing, which was also the name of my Level 5 show back in '92. I thought it was a dumb name then, still do now. Google the name and you'll see how over used it is as a title. Doesn't mean they don't put on a good show. Could just mean they suck at coming up with names for themselves.

For Sketchfest ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A six-year-old boy in Wicomico Church, Virginia missed the school bus and tried to get to school over six miles away by doing what?"

7% said "hitch hiking"
- No cause for concern. Stories about hitch hiking always end well.

6% said "scootering"
- Yes, he took that because his propeller beanie was malfunctioning.

No one said "He's six. He did nothing. He stayed home and watched TV." because, well, that wouldn't make the news, now would it?

87% got it right with "taking the family car"

According to The Associated Press, the boy, whose name wasn't released (but his parents' was! - Joe's note), missed the bus, took the keys to his family's 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

Good thing he didn't play Tetris.

I Believe...

- Richard Simmons needs to give it a rest.

...that Facebook is a great tool for staying in touch with the people that represent the best times of your life. It's also a pathetic and too frequent substitute for socializing.

...that you don't need to have a date to go out on New Year's eve. You do need to lower any expectations of meeting "the one" and having a perfect, passionate kiss at midnight that leads to an everlasting relationship. That would be like trying to win the lottery buying only one ticket, but instead of scoring the PowerBall millions, you'd likely get a two dollar scratch off.

...that gang-bangers who idolize the movie Scarface didn't stick around to see how it ended.

...that if we're really serious about turning the economy around, we need to stop buying anything that says "Made in China."

(thanks 138)

...that I'm sick of award shows and find them meaningless. But, if you want to give me one, I'll take it.

- I have another reason for never having been downhill skiing.

(thanks Smoking Gun)

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Richard Lopez. a soldier from Fort Bragg, was pronounced dead from from wounds sustained in a bar fight. The fight was over what?"

18% said "The film "Top Gun""
- Sorry, Goose.

10% said "Obama being president"
- Clearly not, no one was shot.

No one thought it was "The Iraq War"
- We are all so over that.

72% got it right with "A Jimmy Buffet song on the jukebox"

According to The Rocky Mountain News, Richard Lopez, 37, of Fayetteville, N.C., a soldier from Fort Bragg died Monday morning in Denver from injuries suffered from a bar fight in Steamboat Springs on Friday night over a Jimmy Buffett song.

"The initial disagreement was about music being played on the jukebox," said Capt. Joel Rae with Steamboat Springs police.

"Richard Lopez and two other individuals put on the song, but two other individuals did not agree with it."

It was not known which Jimmy Buffett song was being played at the time, but the fight was taken outside the bar.

Here's the thing, no one should be beaten to death over a Jimmy Buffett song, unless it's Jimmy Buffett. And the song is Cheeseburger in Paradise.

Just So You Know...

It's been seven months since you broke off the engagement.
Six months since you broke off the relationship.
Five months since you moved out without leaving a forwarding address.
You didn't respond to my e-mail, so...

Just so you know...

- I'm doing fine. You seemed to think me incapable of surviving on my own even though I've been doing just that most my whole adult life. I have my own one bedroom apartment. It's nice. How's your studio?

- Things I may never forgive you for: lying to yourself and me about things you didn't like about me/us early on in our relationship, making me move three times in three years, putting me in the position of selling an engagement ring, taking the garlic press.

- I hope you miss me on those mornings you oversleep, when your car needs warming up, when you come home from work and are too tired to cook, and when you watch Doctor Who.

- I would like to think Pushing Daisies was canceled because you broke up with me. Pushing Daisies doesn't like you anymore.

- You were jealous. Getting attention and traveling are a natural by-product of what I do and it ate you up inside.

- I like the music you added to my iTunes.

- You hated my friends. They were always "my" friends. You never wanted "our" friends.

- You're right, I hate cleaning. If I have a choice between cleaning the floors and chilling out, chilling out wins. I bought a mop when I moved in and haven't used it yet.

- The cats seem happier without you around.

- I hope you find the man you are looking for. The one who works only nine-to-five and makes a ton of money on a weekly basis and keeps all his evenings and weekends free to be with you. He either doesn't exist or is really boring.

- In my mind, the straw that broke the camel's back for you was when I wouldn't allow you to keep live crabs in a bag in the pantry. I still find the thought horrifying and it would have driven the cats crazy anyway.

- Things you didn't like about me that you knew going in: my schedule is sporadic, my income fluctuates, I'm in theater.
-

Holy Name Cathedral

At the corner of State and Chicago downtown is the 150 year-old Holy Name Cathedral. Built after the Great Chicago fire, which I guess explains why they went with big bronze doors, it is a stunning monument to Catholicism.

Now, I certainly have my opinions about religion and I'm not going to knock the Catholics. Not right now, any way. The issue I have, of course, is the name. Holy Name? I would like to have sit in on that brainstorming session.

"We need to come up with something reverent, but catchy."

"Right, right. It's got to have a holy name."

"That's it!"

"What's it?"

"We'll call it Holy Name Cathedral. Brilliant! Gets right to the point. No messing around."

"Shouldn't it actually be a holy name?"

"No, no, no, no. This way, people can provide their own. In their imagination. We won't alienate anybody. We'll put those protestants out of business once and for all."

(sigh) "I'll start on the logo."

"Keep it simple."

How hard would it have been to come up with something other than Holy Name? It's like if my parents went "Hey, it's a boy. What shall we call him? Probably a boy's name. Hey, I know... Boy Name Janes. Perfect!"

Speaking of names, I wasn't feeling well yesterday, so I crawled under several blankets and one or two cats and watched several episodes of Farscape. Great show. I've seen it off and on over the years, but this is the first time I've watched season one in order. Comcast has it on their Fancast, their version of Hulu. I now know that I will have found the perfect woman if I ask her what would we name our kids and she says, "Aeren if it's a girl, D'Argo if its a boy." And if she's also bald and blue.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Historians are outraged because Wal-Mart wants to build a Supercenter right next to what?"

24% said "Martin Luther King's birthplace"
- Um, no.

23% said "Mount Rushmore"
- You mean there's not one already?

15% said "the Donner Party encampment"
- Think of the promotional tie-ins? Starving? Don't eat your neighbor, Cheetos are on sale!

38% got it right with "a Civil War battle site"

According to My Way News, Wal-Mart wants to build a Supercenter within a cannon shot of where Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant first fought, a proposal that has preservationists rallying to protect the key Civil War site. A who's who of historians including filmmaker Ken Burns and Pulitzer Prize winner David McCullough sent a letter last month to H. Lee Scott, president and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., urging the company to build somewhere farther from the Wilderness Battlefield.

"The Wilderness is an indelible part of our history, its very ground hallowed by the American blood spilled there, and it cannot be moved," said the letter from 253 scholars and others.

Local leaders want the $500,000 in tax revenue they estimate the big box store will generate for rural Orange County, a gradually growing area about 60 miles southwest of Washington.

Okay, two things. One, I would like them to allow Wal-Mart to build ON the site. And to allow Civil War re-enactments in the store using Wal-Mart employees (who, of course, will do it for free or lose their jobs). Second, the local leaders need to pull their heads out of their asses and watch The High Cost of Low Price. Wal-Mart, like casinos, gives the illusion of bringing in lots more in jobs and revenue, but ends up doing more harm than good.

Shoe Carnival?

I hate to start the post-holidays "back to work" bloggery with such an angry tirade, but I can't help it. There is outrage afoot and something must be done.

Add to my list of places that need to be sued for false advertising Shoe Carnival.

Yes, indeed, there are plenty of shoes at the Shoe Carnival. Much like a shoe store. This strip mall staple is, however, not a carnival.

Shoes are lifelessly displayed or stored in boxes without air holes. They are not having fun. No one is having fun at the Shoe Carnival.

In order for Shoe Carnival to avoid wrath of my lawsuit, they need to at least do the following...

- Sell shoes dipped in caramel or heavily battered and fried or both
- Feature a geek who eats live shoes
- Add games of skill, such as a dunk tank where patrons can try to knock an obnoxious pair of Crocs into a big tub of water
- Rides would be nice. Tilt-A-Timberland?

I would also like to see them go more the Mardi Gras carnival route and start featuring drunken revelry, nudity and cheap plastic beads. I would be more than willing to flash my masculine boobs in order to receive service at the checkout counter. It would at least be in the spirit of a carnival.

I have sent an angry letter to Shoe Carnival about this and my lawyers and I are anxiously awaiting their response.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Back in '08, I asked...

"Last weekend, the Coastland Center Mall in Naples, Florida reported the theft of what?"

18% said "50 bottles of horny goat weed from GNC"
- Couldn't they come up with a better name? I can't go after them , though, because I think it does make you into a horny goat. I'll get the BS-RD department on that.

10% said "a dozen wine bottle hanging wax potpourri warmers from Yankee Candle"
- They exist and you need one, NOW!

9% said "137 fiber optic lights from Spencers Gifts"
- Do you have 137 fiver optic lights in your pants or are you just happy to be standing next to that black velvet poster of a naked lady with a tiger?

63% got it right with "250 thongs from Victoria's Secret"

According to The Naples Daily News, someone stole 250 pairs of thongs, valued at just under $2,000, from the Victoria’s Secret at Coastland Center mall, the Naples police department reported. An employee noticed that four drawers of PINK brand XS thong panties had been emptied of their contents. The theft likely occurred between Friday at 5 p.m. and Saturday at 1:30 p.m., the report states. No suspects were seen.

I suspect this is a Robin Hood kind of scenario. Someone is stealing from the rich to give thongs to the poor. I applaud them. Or perhaps it was a Shoe Carnival employee hoping to spice up the carnival level at their neighboring outlet.

Happy New Year

Out with the old...




In with the new(er).



Out with the old...



In with the new.



Out with the old...



In with the new.



I am most upset by this last one. ABC has canned Pushing Daisies and is replacing it on Wednesdays with The Unusuals, a police procedural dramady. This from their official press release...

In The Unusuals, it helps if a cop has a twisted sense of humor, because every moment could be your last. Just ask Casey Shraeger (Amber Tamblyn, The Sisterhood of the Travelin Pants), who started her day as an NYPD vice detective before unexpectedly being transferred to the homicide division. She quickly realizes that, not only does everyone in her new department have a distinct sense of humor, but also their own dirty little secrets.

I'll give it the benefit of a doubt, though. It's a decent cast and press releases seldom make anything sound cool. I'm just going to miss Emerson Cod's deft language wrasslin' as when he was accused of giving someone the heave-ho and he laments "no ho was heaved."



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Al Zale, a fishery researcher at Montana State University says one way to rid Yellowstone of unwanted lake trout is to use what?"

25% said "dynomite"
- The method preferred by Jimmie "JJ" Walker.

No one said "stray cats" or the sensible and time-tested trout removal system "fishing poles"

75% got it right with "Jell-O"

According to The Associated Press, a researcher at Montana State University said Jell-O, ultrasound, microwaves and electroshocking are among the possible solutions to eliminate lake trout in Yellowstone National Park.

Lake trout were introduced illegally into the park and threaten native cutthroat trout in Yellowstone Lake. To find the best way to destroy lake trout eggs, Al Zale received a grant from the National Park Service. Zale heads the Montana Cooperative Fishery Research Unit at MSU.

If Jell-O is chosen, Zale says it would probably be unflavored. He says workers could spread it over the fish eggs to smother them.

Unflavored? If you want to get rid of anyone or anything, serve them lime Jell-O with shredded carrots. Fire the scientists, hire some lunch ladies.