Week 27, Day 186 - "Buenos Aires"

“Buenos Aires”
Written by Joe Janes
7/23/09
186 of 365

CAST:
Rosa, 20s
Luis, 20s
Roberto, 30s
Johnny, 20s
Adolfo, 40s

(Lights up on the terrace of a high society soiree. Rosa, in a beautiful evening gown, enters. She looks distraught and heads to the railing and looks out at the evening sky. Luis, in a tuxedo, enters and stands at the door.)

LUIS

Rosa, my darling.

ROSA (not turning)

Luis. No. Stay away. You must.

LUIS

Your lips say, “Stay away,” but your back says, “come hither.”

ROSA (turning)

Damn my back and its vocabulary. Damn my back, Luis, and damn you. (Whispering) Damn you.

(They embrace. They build tension as they lock eyes and almost kiss but press their faces cheek-to-cheek instead.)

ROSA (continuing)

I love you and I hate you.

LUIS

I love you and I hate you, too.

ROSA

Roberto must never know.

(Roberto enters wearing an Argentinean dress military uniform and carrying a glass of champagne. He sees Rosa and Luis and smashes the glass on the floor.)

ROBERTO

Rosa!

ROSA

Roberto!

ROBERTO

Luis!

LUIS

My friend. This is not how it looks.

ROBERTO

I have been a fool. My lover and my best friend.

LUIS

She is yours. Take her. I don’t want her. I was just telling her how much I hated her.

ROSA

He speaks the truth, Roberto. We are in hate with one another.

LUIS

True hate.

ROSA

We are hate mates.

ROBERTO

I should have listened to you my friend.

(Roberto starts crying and runs into Luis’s arms.)

LUIS

Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.

ROSA

What did he mean listen to you?

LUIS

Nothing, nothing.

ROBERTA

He said you were a tramp who would eat my heart!

LUIS

Or that. I may have said something like that. I think I said, “break” your heart.

ROBERTO

Yes, yes, “break.” He said, “break.” I said, “eat.”

(Rosa starts hitting Luis who uses Roberto to block the blows.)

ROSA

I hate you even more now! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(Johnny, an American in a nice suit, enters.)

JOHNNY

Rosa!

ROSA

Johnny!

JOHNNY

I waited for you in the taxicab, but you never came.

LUIS

You were going to leave?

ROBERTO

How could you leave us like that?

ROSA

Johnny and I are in love. Right, Johnny?

JOHNNY

That’s right. I’ve never loved anyone more deeply. Or quickly.

LUIS

When did you meet?

JOHNNY

About an hour ago. At the buffet. Near the prime rib.

ROSA

Oh, Johnny, let’s go. Let’s go, Johnny, now. Let’s run away forever, Johnny. Sweep me up in your arms, Johnny, and take me to your America so I can be free. (pause) Johnny?

JOHNNY

Right away, but first, who are these guys?

ROSA

Oh, how rude of me. This is Roberto, my lover and Luis, his best friend and also my lover whom I also hate.

JOHNNY

Is there anyone else I should know about?

(Adolfo wearing a tuxedo and a cape enters.)

ADOLFO (cheerfully)

Rosa, here you are!

ROSA

Adolfo! My husband!

ADOLFO (still cheerful)

You say that as if I caught you doing something other than just having a friendly conversation on the terrace with these three handsome gentlemen. How is everyone?

JOHNNY

Oh, fine.

LUIS

Good.

ROBERTO

I’ve been better.

ADOLFO

You’re missing a wonderful party inside. The band has started and everyone is dancing the night away. Shall we tango, Rosa?

ROSA

Of course, husband. Whatever you say.

ADOLFO

You gentlemen have a splendid evening. You look so lovely tonight, my dear…

(Adolfo escorts Rosa back into the party.)

JOHNNY

Well, I feel like a real heel.

LUIS

I didn’t know he was so nice!

ROBERTO

I didn’t know she was married. And to such a great guy.

JOHNNY

Should we go join the party?

LUIS

I think I’d feel really awkward.

ROBERTO

Me, too. Plus, Rosa was the only hottie.

LUIS

That’s true.

JOHNNY

Strip club?

LUIS

Sure, why not?

ROBERTO

That’s how I met Rosa!

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 185 - "Turkey Fingers"

“Turkey Fingers”
Written by Joe Janes
7/22/09
185 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Nate, 8
Principal Mylie, 40s
Cop, 30s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber, an old-fashioned elementary school teacher in her 60s. Nicely dressed. Very lady like and friendly. She addresses the audience.)

MRS. GRUBER

Children, children, guess what? Nappy time’s over, children. Guess what time it is? Time for arts and crafts. Come on over here and get some paper and crayons. You only need one sheet of paper. Go ahead and sit on the floor. There you go. Everybody share, when you share, you care.

(People from the audience are encouraged to get up and help themselves to paper and crayons and sit on the floor. Of course, there’s lots of room for ad-libbing and calling students by name. One student among the audience is Nate, who joins them.)

NATE

I’m still sleepy Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Now, now, Nathaniel. That’s just the kool-aid talking. Be a good helper and pass out crayons and paper.

NATE

Okay.

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Don’t start drawing, yet. Wait until I give you directions, okay? Now, does anyone know what holiday is coming up? Anybody? It’s a holiday where you get to eat lots of really good yummy food that your mother makes for your family. Sometimes your grandmother helps out, usually by making a pumpkin pie. The men folk watch football on television. That’s right, Thanksgiving…. Now, then, everyone take your hand and place it on the paper with your fingers spread out real wide. Just like this… (She demonstrates) and trace your hand with one of your crayons… Very good. Try to stay close to your fingers…That’s good. Very good. Look at all the little artists…. Hold up your paper and take a look. What does it look like? You know what it looks like to me? A turkey! A naked turkey. Now, we don’t want the turkey to catch a cold, so we better put feathers on him. Use your crayons to make feathers for your turkey. Do a good job. If you do a good job, I’ll put your turkey on the “Good Job” wall…(As the children draw, Mrs. Gruber walks among them making comments and sharing fun facts about Thanksgiving)…

- Turkeys are a very important part of our national heritage. Does anyone know why? Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey our national bird instead of the eagle. Ben Franklin was stupid.
- Turkeys have feathers and wings but can’t fly. Do you k now why they can’t fly? Because they’re too fat. There’s a lesson there for some of you, isn’t there?
- Does anyone know what a turkey sounds like? Can you make the sound? Tom turkeys make that sound as a mating call. Does anyone know what that means, because you shouldn’t?
- At the first Thanksgiving, they didn’t have a lot of the things that we have at Thanksgiving. They didn’t have any bread, butter, milk, cheese or pumpkin pie. This is why the pilgrims grew to hate the Indians.
- Has anyone ever got the wishbone of the turkey on Thanksgiving? You did? What did you wish for? It’s actually a bone at the top of the turkey’s chest, so when you’re making a wish, it’s like you’re snapping its neck from the inside. Neat-o, hunh?
-
(Mrs. Gruber also picks up different drawings, criticizing them for being good or bad or wall worthy. Principal Mylie enters and stands in the back of the room.)

PRINCIPAL (calmly)

Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Principal Mylie. How nice of you to come visit us. Children, say hello to Principal Mylie.

PRINCIPAL

Hello, children. Mrs. Gruber, the police are outside.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, did they wish to speak to the children about safety? Could they come back tomorrow? Right now, we’re making turkeys. Would you like to make a turkey, Principal Mylie?

PRINICPAL

No. Thank you. Mrs. Gruber, if I don’t come out in a few minutes. They’re going to come in and I can’t be responsible for what they might do to you.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, my, that sounds serious.

PRINICPAL

You can’t just show up at the school and take children away in your station wagon.

MRS. GRUBER

You mean The Learning Mobile. Wasn’t riding in The Learning Mobile fun kids.

NATE

The fumes made me sleepy.

MRS. GRUBER

No, dear. That was the kool-aid.

PRINCIPAL

Mrs. Gruber. Phyllis. The children need to get out of your basement and come back to school. Their parents are worried.

MRS. GRUBER

The kids are safe here. They just woke up from their sleepy time nap and now we’re learning about Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL

Phyllis. You’re not a teacher anymore. You retired last year.

MRS. GRUBER

But, I didn’t retire.

PRINICPAL

Not willingly, no. You were retired. By the school board. Look, you really need to let the kids go or the police-

COP (Off, on a bullhorn)

Mrs. Gruber. This is the police. Let the children come out before we come in.

MRS. GRUBER

Children! Back to your seats! Quick! Quick!

(Mrs. Gruber turns out the lights as the kids scramble back to their seats. We hear sounds of a police SWAT team breaking down a door and storming the basement. They have lasers and flashlights on their rifles.)

MRS. GRUBER

My country tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of thee I sing- Sing with me children! –

COP

Taser her! Taser her!

MRS. GRUBER (while being tasered)

Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From every mountainside, let freedom ring!!!

(We hear an electric shock. Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 184 - "Disco Heaven"

“Disco Heaven”
Written by Joe Janes
7/21/09
184 of 365

CAST
Alan, 40s
Nina, 40s

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)

NINA

Alan?

ALAN

Yes?

NINA

Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.

(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)

ALAN

I’m not sure how I got here.

NINA

Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.

(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)

ALAN

Where am I?

NINA

You have no idea?

ALAN

Am I dead?

NINA

You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.

ALAN

How-

NINA

But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.

ALAN

Is this heaven?

NINA

No.

ALAN

Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)

NINA

Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?

ALAN

Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?

NINA (sitting)

I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?

ALAN

Interests?

NINA

Yes.

ALAN

Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.

NINA

Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.

ALAN

Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.

NINA

How do you help the homeless?

ALAN

By not disturbing them.

NINA

Alan. What do you do for fun?

ALAN

Fun?

NINA

Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?

ALAN

Other than-?

NINA

Yes. Other than.

ALAN

Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.

NINA

Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.

ALAN

I died in my quest for warm cheese.

NINA

Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.

ALAN

To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?

NINA

The only real mortal sin is boredom.

ALAN

What about murder?

NINA

That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.

ALAN

No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.

NINA

It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.

ALAN

I’m a fun guy.

NINA

You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.

ALAN

But my weekends-

NINA

More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-

ALAN

Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.

NINA

You do impressions?

ALAN

Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.

NINA

Okay. Amaze me.

ALAN

Um… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

NINA

That was -?

ALAN

Oh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.

NINA

Do another one.

ALAN (as a duck)

“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”

NINA

That’s delightful! I love it.

ALAN (as a duck)

“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”

NINA

John Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.

(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)

ALAN

Yay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"

NINA

Can you do Donald Duck?

ALAN

Uh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.

(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)

NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)

That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.

ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)

Thanks, Nina.

NINA

You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.

(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 183 - "Dry Dock"

“Dry Dock”
Written by Joe Janes
7/20/09
183 of 365

CAST
Eric, 20s
Graham, 20s
Cheri, 20s
Tamara, 20s

(Lights up on Graham sitting at his desk working. Nearby, are two other desks, presently vacant. Eric enters.)

ERIC

Graham!

GRAHAM

Hi, Eric.

ERIC

Hey, Buddy. I’ve been thinking about you.

GRAHAM

Okay…?

ERIC

Dude, you need to go out with me this weekend. My sister’s in town.

GRAHAM

You’re trying to fix me up with your sister?

ERIC

You’ll thank me for it. LuAnn is so frickin’ easy.

GRAHAM

Man, that’s gross. You don’t arrange for someone to hook up with your sister.

ERIC

I’m doing it for you. You broke up with Louisa last year. When was the last time you got laid?

GRAHAM

A year and a half ago.

ERIC

Time to let a new dog gnaw on that bone of yours.

GRAHAM

You’re calling your sister easy and a dog?

ERIC

No, dude. It’s a metaphor. Or an analogy. She’s not a dog. Here, look. (He shows her a picture on his cell phone.)

GRAHAM

That’s Loni Anderson.

ERIC

Exactly. She looks like Loni Anderson. 1970s WKRP Loni Anderson. Not whatever Loni Anderson looks like now. Trust me, my sister is just what you need. You’ve been so tense lately. Let me call her. You guys meet for drinks. Her fav is Jagermeister and Sprite. I’ll tell her to wear that tube top that really shows off her boobs.

GRAHAM

Me, weirded out. You, leaving.

ERIC

I’m going, I’m going. Just think about it.

(Cheri and Tamara enter and sit at their desks.)

ERIC

Good day to you, fine ladies.

CHERI

Hey, Eric.

TAMARA

Hey.

ERIC

Careful with this one. He’s all wound up.

(Eric exits)

CHERI

Oh, my God, Graham. Tamara and I both just got a facial.

TAMARA

Rodney somehow managed to do us both at same time. It was amazing.

CHERI

Incredible. You’d think he had an extra arm he was rubbing us with.

TAMARA

I am so relaxed. That facial really did it to me.

CHERI

I can still smell Rodney on me.

GRAHAM

I’m glad you two had such a beneficial lunch break.

CHERI

You have no idea.

GRAHAM

Oh, Tamara, your husband called.

(He hands her a note.)

TAMARA

Thank you, Graham. Oh, isn’t that sweet. Just called to say I’m thinking of you and can’t wait till tonight.

CHERI

What’s tonight?

TAMARA

It’s the third anniversary of when we first started dating.

CHERI

That’s adorable.

TAMARA

He always gets me something special. Last year, it was a pearl necklace.

CHERI

Make sure you keep a tight grip on that one.

TAMARA

Oh, I am. With both hands. And my teeth. (They laugh.) What are you doing tonight?

CHERI

I am practicing my flute.

TAMARA

Really? That’s wonderful. I should do that.

CHERI

I played a lot in high school and college and decided to try it, again. I’m a little sloppy. And loud.

TAMARA

Chuck doesn’t mind the noise?

CHERI

Oh, no. He loves it. He just sits back in the Lazy Boy while I go to town on that flute. I put my lips on it as often as I can.

TAMARA

Must be rough on your mouth.

CHERI

That and all the fingering.

GRAHAM

All right! All right! Just stop. Please.

TAMARA

What’s wrong?

GRAHAM

What’s wrong? Listen to yourselves. I haven’t had sex in over a year. I’m about to go out of my mind here. Enough with the double entendres.

CHERI

Double entendres?

GRAHAM

Yes! “Facials,” “pearl necklace,” “flute-ing.” You telling me you didn’t realize those things have double meanings?

TAMARA

Oh, he’s right. I guess they do! I never thought of that.

CHERI

That’s so funny.

TAMARA

Sorry, Graham.

CHERI

How awkward. We really didn’t mean anything by it.

TAMARA

From now on, no double meanings.

CHERI

Single meanings only.

GRAHAM

Thank you. You know, maybe Eric is right. He was telling me how tense I’ve been. Can you give me Rodney’s number? Maybe he can fit me in this afternoon.

CHERI (handing him Rodney’s card)

Well, okay. If that’s works for you.

GRAHAM

What? Guys get facials, too.

TAMARA

I’m sure they do, but it sounds like you need more than some guy shooting jizz on your face.

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 182 - “The Last Word”

“The Last Word”
Written by Joe Janes
7/19/09
182 of 365

CAST:
Dr. Menlo, 60s
Mr. Evans, 20s

(Lights up on a psychiatrist’s office. Dr. Menlo sits at his desk. Sitting across from him is Mr. Evans, a young, clean-cut man.)

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans. We are going to do word association. I will say a word and you will say the first thing that comes into your mind. Do you understand?

MR. EVANS

Yes, Dr. Menlo.

DR. MENLO

Good. (Pause) Bicycle.

MR. EVANS

Bicycle.

DR. MENLO

Let’s move on to the Rorschach test. I will show you a picture. You tell me what it looks like. Are you ready?

MR. EVANS

Yes.

(Dr. Menlo shows Mr. Evans a blotter stain.)

DR. MENLO

Tell me what you see?

MR. EVANS

It looks like someone spilled ink onto a board, folded it in half and opened it back up again.

(Dr. Menlo takes out his pocket watch and holds it in front of Mr. Evans by the fob. He makes it sway from side-to-side.)

DR. MENLO

You are getting sleepy.

MR. EVANS

Yes. I am.

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans, you are cured.

MR. EVANS

I am? On my first session? But my father and I don’t speak. My mother ran off to Las Vegas with an Elmo impersonator. I’m a wreck around women. My career is in the dumper. And my cat died.

DR. MENLO

Get over it.

MR. EVANS

Oh. Okay.

DR. MENLO

That’ll be $200.

MR. EVANS

Thanks?

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 181 - “Giant Leap”

“Giant Leap”
Written by Joe Janes
7/18/09
181 of 365

CAST:
Neil Armstrong
Buzz Aldrin
Michael Collins
Walter Cronkite

(Lights come up on a dimly lit stage. Off in the corner is a stepladder. We hear radio static and see Neil Armstrong, in his spacesuit, slowly descending the ladder.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

This is a historic moment, ladies and gentlemen. Armstrong is on the moon. Neil Armstrong, a 38-year-old American, about to stand on the surface of the moon this July 20th, 1969. The whole world is witnessing this momentous occasion.

NEIL ARMSTRONG (VO)

That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

(Neil slowly walks off as Buzz Aldrin descends the stairs.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

That doesn’t really seem to be grammatically correct, probably should have been one small step for “a” man, but I think we get the gist. And now we see, Buzz Aldrin. Soon to be the second man to step foot on the lunar surface.

BUZZ ALDRIN (VO)

I'd like to take this opportunity to ask every person listening in, whoever and wherever they may be, to pause for a moment and contemplate the events of the past few hours, and to give thanks in his or her own way.

(Buzz joins Neil is slowly walking around and exploring the lunar surface.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

Both men seem to really understand the breadth and scope of this breakthrough for all of humanity. Michael Collins is the third member of the Apollo 11 crew. Let’s see what he has to say about traveling 250,000 miles through space to the moon only to remain onboard the command module Columbia.

MICHAEL COLLINS (VO)

I cannot tell you how, as an earthling hovering above the moon all by myself, this really, really, sucks donkey ass. Take a giant leap over my dick and say thanks to that.

(Neil and Buzz flip Collins the bird overhead.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

I am at a loss for words.

(Blackout.)

Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)