Many presidential candidates go for broke, literally and figuratively, while campaigning for our votes. They will simply do and say whatever it takes to convince us they are the ones we should be spending our vote on. It's a time-honored tradition and, of course, this gets ugly.
For the Clintons, this is business as usual. Their view is a lot of blood will be spilled in a campaign, go for it and clean up the mess afterwards. Obama has slowly been drawn in to the negative campaigning. Seeing Bill Clinton slam Obama is uncomfortable. Here's an ex-president who I thought did a decent job in the White House. Here he is talking smack about a guy I find sincere and likable, to say the least. It's, well, unbecoming of an ex-president, and is tarnishing my image of him. And when I see Bill trashing Obama, or watch Hilary and Obama go after each other at debates, its that uncomfortable feeling one gets being at a restaurant where a couple is arguing loudly. Hey, knock it off or take it outside.
I guess my real beef is that this is taking over the focus of the democratic primaries. There's such a lack of respect for the voters that the candidates themselves have turned it away from a civil debate about issues to a catty popularity contest. Many politicians, i.e. The Clintons, will sum this up as "just politics" and we'll all forgive each other at the convention. I think it has a longer, more damaging effect. I also think it shows their true colors and should act as a red flag for voters. If they have the capacity to be this slimy on the campaign trail, they'll be this slimy in the Oval Office. Do you want a candidate who speaks about what they stand for and demonstrates it by walking their talk, or do you want a WWESmackdown? You can't have both.
"We have got to understand, this is not about us personally. It's about what we are trying to do for this country."
John Edwards said that. He's running for president, too, by the way.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"According to a poll commissioned by 20th Century Fox, the favorite movie weapon of all time is the what?"
No one, absolutely NO ONE, thought it might be "Kill Bill's Samurai Sword,""Indiana Jones' whip," or "James Bond's Walther PPK gun" - I guess they're all too conventional. And that whip looks and sounds cool, but you need a lot of space and accuracy to get any use out of it.
100% got it right with "Star Wars' light saber"
According to The Press Association, the Star Wars' lightsaber has been named the favourite movie weapon of all time. The Jedi's blade beat James Bond's gun and Indiana Jones's bullwhip in the poll. Other weapons in the top 10 include the samurai sword from Kill Bill and the bow and arrow used in Robin Hood, the survey of 2,000 film fans commissioned by 20th Century Fox found.
Alright, enough with the exclamation points. You get it. I'm excited. I've been going through Robowriters withdrawals over the last month. We're tickled all sorts of different colors to be working with Gorilla Tango. A few Robowriters have produced or been associated with shows there. David Devries' Eat Mudis currently running there on the weekends, Fridays and Saturdays at 10pm. Robot vs Dinosaur will be producing our new show there in the spring. A very sincere WHOOP-DEE-DOO is in order.
Gorilla Tango is located at 1919 N. Milwaukee Ave., just a few doors southeast of the Western and Milwaukee intersection, near the Western Blue Line Stop.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Friday, I asked...
"The Swiss Meat Association is worried there may be a shortage of what?"
42% said "Italian tripe" - They have another name for it there - politics.
28% said "Lithuanian pig snouts" - Nope. Plenty there. Have a second helping.
No one went for the "Canadian turducken"
28% got it right with "Brazilian cow intestines"
According to Business Week, a sausage that has become a part of the Swiss national identity could soon become extinct, and the European Union is to blame. Despite the fact that Brazil has never recorded a single case of mad cow disease, the European Union banned imports of Brazilian beef intestines over concerns about Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis (BSE) on April 1, 2006. Switzerland isn't an EU member state, but it does observe food directives from Brussels to ensure it can continue to trade freely with its neighbors. "Darm-Alarm" is the call being heard across the land ("Darm" is German for bowels), wrote the Swiss newspaper 20 Minuten. One editorialist wrote, "Switzerland has surrendered itself in the case of our national sausage to technocrats in Brussels, of all people." Oh, shut up and drink your hot chocolate. The reduction of sausage from the Swiss diet will make everyone's cleaner colon there yodel.
Here's little Hans chowing down on the national sausage shaped, coincidentally, the same way it looks coming out.
Still down in the dangly part of the United States, but was able to get up early enough today to post a little something, something. Some of my favorite Tom and Jerry cartoons involve music, so I was trying to track one down. Instead, I found this. Van Beuren Studios - with RKO - had their own Tom and Jerry. Humans in place of animals and more Laurel and Hardy than adversaries.
There are many arguments about the origins of the music video - The Monkees, American musicals come to mind - but I think an argument could be made for early cartoons. As early animators were still wrangling with how or if to tell a story, they often just showcased a song. And I'm a sucker for early black and white cartoons. There's something very innocent and surreal about them. In this one, Tom and Jerry operate a small diner and everyone, including the food, get in on jamming to a tune. Enjoy!
Today's a busy day at the corporate event. My call time is 7am and I'll be going all day through 6pm. SO, just the news quiz today... THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"U.S. scientists say they have created a genetically-engineered carrot that does what?"
34% said "Tastes like candy" - Given how candy-ized yogurt and granola bars have become, this can't be far behind.
11% said "Beats up rabbits" - That's one tough carrot.
No one thought it might be "Eats itself" - This is geared towards kids who don't like vegetables and parents who like clean plates.
55% got it right with "Provides calcium"
According to the BBC, scientists in the US say they have created a genetically-engineered carrot that provides extra calcium. On its own, the carrot would not meet the daily requirement of 1,000mg of calcium, but if other vegetables were similarly engineered, intake could be increased dramatically. Um, instead of mutating nature with Frankenfoods, couldn't people wishing to have more calcium in their diet and avoid dairy just eat more vegetables that already have calcium in them. Stuff like kale? No? Too tough to market? Okay. Then if you really want me to eat those carrots so I can get more calcium, you're going to have to make them taste like coffee. Or Corn Nuts.
Okay, I really, really, have nothing to complain about. I have a lovely hotel room. The food is decent and most of it will be paid for by the client. There's a small arcade with air hockey and a Family Guy pinball machine. The vending machines have sodas- 20 oz sodas! - for only a dollar. I'm being paid to write, perform and be creative.
What blows is to be in Florida in the winter and have rain, possibly thunderstorms, all frickin' week. We may get some sun on Saturday when I am booked to be indoors all, and I mean ALL, day. Woo-hoo! The big events today for conference goers are to either go golfing - which will really suck - or go to Universal Studios - which will really suck, but they do have many indoor activities. I'll be making my way over to Universal Studios later this afternoon after a rehearsal when it is supposed to lighten up a bit, but still be raining.
Last night, after a long day of travel and meetings, the Fig crew and I hopped in the outdoor poolside hot tub. As soon as I dipped my tired body into the bubbly hot goodness, it started to rain. But it was actually enjoyable. It was a light sprinkle while sitting in a hot tub. And it brought out the earthy smell of surrounding trees and dirt. So, I really do have nothing to complain about and having to choose between waiting for a bus in the single digit temps of Chicago or bobbing in a warm hot tub in the rain, well, you know...
One thing we did last night that I will be stealing and bringing to my own shows is how we sat around a table and went through every moment of the show flow. The "show," in this case, is over three days. Very thorough and it made apparent what was still needed and it added a lot of assurance moving into the week.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"New census figures have declared France to be the 2007 European champion of what?"
47% said "American expatriates" - I think it's only true if you are counting celebrities who can afford it.
8% said "Diversity" or "Wealth" - Either may be true, but if it is, they are not bragging about it.
37% got it right with "Fertility"
According to the AFP, with 1.98 children per woman, France's fertility rate is now ahead of Ireland on 1.90, according to the latest government figures, and well above the European Union average of 1.52. Hmmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with George Clooney having a home in France. Somebody put that stud out to pasture already.
Whenever I travel for business I almost always end up in place like Kuwait in August or the Upper Peninsula in March. This is one of two times that I can think of where the travel gods have got it right. I am flying to Orlando today and will return on Sunday. And it looks like I'll be able to do updates from there...poolside. I love traveling for business. It makes me feel important. But I couldn't help but notice that the client booked themselves flights out of O'Hare (in first or business class, I'm sure) while they booked the Fig crew and I to fly out of Midway (steerage).
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"A county judge in Washington state who made a woman in his courtroom remove her hat has apologized because she what?"
50% said "Her hat was a wig" - I've seen old people do that and you can tell because it just doesn't quite line-up right. Velcro strips will help that. That's my bald guy tip of the day.
No one fell for "Is Muslim" or "Had severe hat head"
The other 50% got it right with "Has cancer"
According to The Tri-City Herald, a Benton County judge has apologized for telling a woman with cancer to take a knitted cap off her bald head or leave his courtroom. "Words can't express how sorry I am," Judge Holly Hollenbeck told the Herald on Monday, a few hours after he spoke with Bev Williams by phone and offered an unconditional apology. Williams, 43, said the District Court judge told her the no-hat rule would no longer apply in his courtroom. Williams, who lost her hair after enduring six months of chemotherapy, was in court to give moral support to her teenage daughter, who was facing a misdemeanor charge. Hollenbeck insisted the Kennewick woman remove her hat or leave. Williams chose to leave, crying as she left the courtroom, which had 60 people in it. You know, what kind of barbaric world are we to live in every time we change a rule for someone just because they have a little cancer. You get cancer, you take your lumps. Am I right or what? ...Hello...Excuse me, another Sea Breeze for Cabana Number 8, please...Keep 'em coming...
Currently at Columbia College, we are in what is known as "J Term." The "J," I am quite certain, stands for January. Being on semesters at Columbia leaves a huge month-and-a-half holiday break. J Term is a way for students to make some extra credit and boost their grade point averages while taking courses that are geared towards their majors. The classes are longer than usual, but also fewer in number, like a summer term.
Last year, I proposed a class in how to audition for improvisation. The class works on two fronts. For those uninitiated in auditioning for a Second City or a ComedySportz, it takes the mystery out of it. For those just plain new to the audition process, it provides information and an application opportunity to give yourself more of a professional edge. If I am auditioning for a show and I narrow a choice down to two people of similar qualities, I'm going to go with the one who came across the most professional.
Here are a list of audition guidelines compiled from my own experience on both sides of the table...
- Unless given specific instructions on when to arrive, arrive fifteen minutes early. Too early, and you might be an unintended inconvenience for the hosts. Too late, and it's disruptive. If you stroll in right on time, you have not allowed for any information sheet you need to fill out or any processing they might need to do with your headshot and resume. Most adjudicators like to have a chance to look over your headshot and resume before you enter the room.
- Make sure you have a contact number for the people you are auditioning for. If you are going to be late, CALL! If you are unable to make the audition, CALL! Nothing worse than scheduling a slot and not showing up. Even if you have just changed your mind about auditioning for that particular group, CALL! You don't have to tell them why, just that you are no longer available.
- Improv auditions are often held in groups. Connect with the people you are auditioning with. This may mean simply meeting them, but could also mean playing a quick circle game before going in. Another reason to arrive early.
- Bring a good pen. More than likely you'll need to fill out an information sheet and more than likely the pen they'll provide you is a piece of crap ballpoint with toothmarks. And fill out the info sheet honestly without trying to be funny. The audition is your opportunity to show you can get laughs through quality improvisation.
- Bring a calendar in case they need to consider your availability.
- Bring a current headshot and resume. The headshot should look like you. A pleasant smile is fine, no need for your headshot to be wacky. The resume should clearly state your name, contact information, and stage experience. Make sure plays are separate from improv. Don't lie and don't joke on your resume. Your headshot and resume are a little piece of you.
- Dress like you care. Business casual is always a good way to go. You look nice and comfortable. Make sure you are wearing something you feel at ease moving around in and, crawling on the floor in, if called to. Avoid ratty jeans, big heels, noisy shoes, flashy clothing of any kind, t-shirts (period) and hats. NO HATS! It hides part of your face, reads like you are uncomfortable and lacking confidence and, for women especially, it means you are probably a nut.
- If you don't know, ask. Improv games come by many different names. If you are asked to do a game you have never heard of, ask about it. And then jump in big. Even if it is a game you have never heard of or played before.
- If you are asked a question about yourself, just answer honestly. No need to try to be funny.
- This goes without saying for most of you who read this, but don't bring props. Yes, this has happened to me.
- Don't try to socialize with the adjudicators. If you know one of them, a little smile or nod is fine, but keep your demeanor friendly and professional. Come in, do your best, then leave. Don't hang out afterwards! And definitely don't ask how you did!
- If you run into the people that ran the audition later, don't ask about the audition. If they have information to tell you or ask you about, they will. If it's at a bar or restaurant, give them their space and privacy.
- Take care of yourself after the audition. You didn't do as bad as you think, but you also didn't do as well. Some retrospection on how you did and could do better is fine, but don't dwell on it. Go hang out with friends, go to work, go to a movie. Move on with your life. If you do have a relationship with one of the persons who ran the audition, it's okay to graciously ask them for feedback, but wait a few days.
Ultimately, what the judges are looking for is subjective. If you show up like a pro and demonstrate solid, basic improv skills, you have a better shot than most.
Let me know in the comment section if you have an addendum to this list.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"David Binner of Doylestown, PA almost had a disorderly conduct charge added to a $5 parking ticket when he did what?"
33% said "wiped the ticket on his ass" - If I were the cop, I would then make him eat it.
22% said kept "cursing at his grandmother" - You never know. She may have deserved it.
No one said "plowed into the cop's car as he sped away"
45% got it right with "wrote an obscene message on his check"
According to the AP, a man who wrote a vulgar message on the memo line of a check he used to pay a $5 parking ticket has apologized in writing, leading police to drop a disorderly conduct charge against him. Clerks were offended by the message, and the disorderly conduct charge was filed because the comment was obscene, police Chief James Donnelly said. Yep. David dropped the F-bomb on his memo line. I always wondered what people used that for. I wish those people in the VISA check card commercials would insist on paying with a check and use the memo line to tell all those Busby Berkley shoppers to fuck off.
