Week 40, Day 278 - "Good Seats"

“Good Seats”

Written by Joe Janes

10/23/09

278 of 365

Cast:

Nathan, 30s

Matthew, 30s

Violetta, 70s

Philbert, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on Nathan and Matthew entering a theater from the lobby near the stage.)

MATTHEW

This is a wonderful surprise. Seeing a Broadway show here in Chicago.

NATHAN

I figured, “what the heck?” It’s your birthday; let’s do something special.

MATTHEW

Where are our seats?

NATHAN

Not sure if I’m reading this right, but they should be right up here somewhere.

MATTHEW

You must have paid a lot of money for these.

NATHAN

I did. But who cares? It’s your birthday, Matthew. Excuse me; can you help us find our seats?

(Nathan approaches Violetta, an elderly usher. Violetta takes the tickets and looks at them. Closely. For a very long time.)

VIOLETTA

Um…Row BB, seats 12 and 13.

(She looks around the theater, trying to read the seat numbers near her. She doesn’t see them. She looks at the tickets again for a very long time.)

NATHAN

I think we’ll try to find them ourselves-

VIOLETTA

Oh!

MATTHEW

Oh?

VIOLETTA

Oh! Right seats, wrong section. Your seats are in the mezzanine.

NATHAN

What’s a mezzanine?

VIOLETTA

Up there.

MATTHEW

It’s the level between the main floor and the balcony.

NATHAN

Up there? Why don’t they just call it the balcony?

MATTHEW

Because the balcony’s above it.

NATHAN

My upstairs neighbor has a balcony above my balcony; I don’t call mine a mezzanine.

(Violetta just stares at him. He thinks. He’s not sure. He waves his hand in front of her face to no response. Lights flash.)

NATHAN (continuing)

What the hell?

MATTHEW

That means the show’s about to start. Let’s hurry.

(They exit. Violetta stands there. For a very long time. She closes her eyes and squints. It’s quite possible, she just farted. Nathan and Matthew emerge somewhere near the middle of the house.)

NATHAN

Okay. Mezzanine. This isn’t too bad. You can see the whole stage.

MATTHEW

No, it’s not bad at all.

(Nathan approaches Philbert, a very young usher with the sniffles.)

NATHAN

Excuse me? Can you help us find our seats?

(Philbert wipes his nose on his hands repeatedly and then takes the tickets. Nathan holds on to them at first, but eventually surrenders them. Philbert looks at them.)

PHILBERT

You’re in the wrong place?

NATHAN

What does that mean?

MATTHEW

I thought this was the mezzanine.

PHILBERT

This is the lower mezzanine.

NATHAN

So, up one more?

PHILBERT

Two more. Your seats are on the upper mezzanine. That’s what the UM is near your seat numbers.

NATHAN

Oh.

MATTHEW

Well, whatever. It’s my birthday.

PHILBERT

Happy birthday.

(Philbert tries to hand the tickets back to Nathan who doesn’t want to touch them. He takes them from Philbert using his elbow. They exit. Philbert stands there and sniffs loudly. Then he wipes his nose on his fingers and looks at it. Wipes the residue on his pants. Nathan and Matthew emerge as far back in the house as possible, maybe even in the tech booth.)

NATHAN

Here we go!

MATTHEW

This is row BB?

NATHAN

Yeah. I feel sorry for the suckers behind us.

MATTHEW

I do, too, because apparently row CC is a wall.

NATHAN

Happy birthday, Matthew.

MATTHEW

Thank you, Nathan. Nathan? How much did you spend on these tickets?

NATHAN

Well, you know, I bought them discounted, day of the show, you know.

MATTHEW

That’s fine. What did you spend?

NATHAN

Ninety-five dollars.

MATTHEW

Total?

NATHAN

Each.

(The lights flash.)

NATHAN

Well, it’s a Broadway show. In Chicago. I’m sure it will be worth it.

MATTHEW

Next time just give me the money and I’ll dress up like a cat and sing.

NATHAN

You’re going to start charging me for that?

(Lights fade.)

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen, Broadway in Chicago is proud to present “One Man Porgy and Bess” starring Anthony Edwards. Please turn off your cell phones, unwrap your candies and pass your wallets and purses into the center aisle.

(We hear the opening strands of “Summertime” as if it were performed on a single electric keyboard.)

Week 40, Day 277 - "Dayhawks"

“Dayhawks”

Written by Joe Janes

10/22/09

277 of 365

Cast

Bernie, 40s

Len, 30s

(Lights up on a diner. Len is behind the counter cleaning shelves we cannot see. Bernie, in a dark suit and hat, enters. He walks with a slight limp. Len keeps his eye on him. Bernie keeps his eye on a spot outside the diner. He takes a seat at the counter, again, without looking at Len. He knocks on the counter. Len produces a cup of coffee. Bernie grabs it and takes a sip while his attention is still outside on something across the street. Bernie puts the mug back on the counter and taps again. Len produces a small decanter of cream and a sugar dispenser. Bernie points out the window until Len gets the hint and looks out. Bernie quickly adds cream and sugar to his coffee and takes another sip.)

BERNIE

Okay.

(Bernie goes back to looking out as Len goes back to looking at Bernie.)

LEN

I don’t even know what I’m watching.

BERNIE

Did you see anything at all?

LEN

No.

BERNIE

You did good.

(Len grabs a menu from under the counter and sets it in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

I ain’t hungry.

LEN

Burger and fries, then?

BERNIE

I ain’t hungry. I ate before I came.

LEN

What kind of jackass eats before coming to a diner?

(Len takes the menu back and walks off stage for a moment. Bernie keeps looking out. Bernie sees something. He takes out a small notepad and jots something down.)

LEN (re-enters)

What did I miss? The pope ride by on a unicycle?

BERNIE

Just doing my job.

LEN

Yeah. That’s what you’ve said every day this week. I wonder what the police think about your job.

BERNIE

I’m a dick.

LEN

No kidding.

BERNIE

My job is to keep an eye on that office across the street. There’s a secretary who works there who may or may not have loose bloomers. Her husband wants me to find out.

LEN

You think her bloomers are loose?

BERNIE

The way she’s built, ain’t nothing loose on that ship. But I think her boss may be swabbing her decks.

LEN

The brunette with the caboose.

BERNIE

That’s the one.

LEN

She walks by the window and I have to stop whatever I’m doing. Be a shame if that train only had one rider.

BERNIE

I like her better as a ship.

LEN

You’re the pro.

BERNIE

She ever come in here?

LEN

A dame like that? Never. If she came in here, I’d remove the stool she sat on, take it home, get it drunk and make love to it. (Bernie) What?

BERNIE

Stick to trains.

LEN

You gonna sit there all day and only drink one cup of coffee?

BERNIE

I’m here until she’s not there. Have to earn my fifty bucks a day.

LEN

How can you drink coffee all day and never get and go to the bathroom?

BERNIE

Thank Hitler.

LEN

I’d rather not.

BERNIE

Caught some shrapnel from a kraut grenade in a very bad place. I fight the Nazis and get thanked with the ability to pee through a rubber tube into a small bottle strapped to my leg.

LEN

You sit there and pee right there at my counter?

BERNIE

Any time I like.

LEN

You peeing right now?

BERNIE

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. (He smiles at Len and quite possibly is relieving himself while doing it. Len looks away and can see the woman.)

LEN

Hey, Niagra. It’s dreamboat.

(Bernie sees her, too, and takes out his notebook, again. Len exits.) There she is, again. Filing. Filing very slowly. Very, very slowly.

(Bernie continues to watch and scribble. He stops. She has apparently moved away. He puts the notebook back in his jacket and sips more coffee. Len returns with a plate, a hamburger and fries. He sets it down in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

What’s this?

LEN

Just doing my job.

(Len sets down the bill. Steps back and crosses his arms. Bernie goes back to watching the office as he taps on the counter. Len produces a bottle of ketchup and salt and pepper. Bernie points. Len takes over being lookout as Bernie dresses his food. Lights fade.)

Week 40, Day 276 - "Room in New York"

“Room in New York”

Written by Joe Janes

10/21/09

276 of 365

CAST

William, 20s

Shelly, 20s

(Lights up on a very small New York apartment. William sits in an upholstered chair leaning forward while reading a newspaper. He wears dark slacks, matching vest and tie and a white shirt. Shelly sits at an upright piano facing him. Between them is a small round table that also doubles as their dining table. Shelly wears a nice red dress. Her black hair pulled back. She is watching William read. He is oblivious to this. Clear she is not going to get his attention, she looks around the room, out the window and to the piano. Her lower body still faces William; she turns her upper body to softly strike a note or two on the piano.)

SHELLY

I’m going to make dinner.

WILLIAM (still reading)

Okay.

(She makes no move to get up and still plays the piano softly plunking a key or two without any intention to play a tune.)

SHELLY

That new chop suey place opened up down the street.

WILLIAM

I saw.

SHELLY

We could try it out. (William looks up from his paper.) Or not. (William goes back to his paper. More silence as he reads and as she occasionally breaks the silence with a poke at the piano keys.) Oh, I talked to Thelma today. She called next door and Mrs. Murphy was nice enough to let me take it, even though it wasn’t an emergency. She and Ernst are driving into the city to have dinner and go see a play called “The Gay Scoundrel.” Doesn’t that sound like fun?

WILLIAM

I hate drama.

SHELLY

It’s supposed to be madcap. She said it was about a scoundrel who shows up at the reading of a will and pretends to be a long lost relative. Thelma said it was madcap. (William does not look up from his paper. Shelly continues to ponder the piano.) What is madcap?

WILLIAM

Silly hat.

SHELLY

Right. Mad cap. Of course. They must wear silly hats in the play. Sounds like fun. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

WILLIAM

I hate drama.

SHELLY

I know. Just thought we’d do something different. I haven’t seen Thelma in ages. And you like Ernst-

WILLIAM (matter-of-factly)

I don’t like Ernst.

SHELLY

I told them about the chop suey place. I don’t think they’re going to go there, though. Ernst doesn’t like exotic food.

WILLIAM

Shelly. I’ve been on my feet all day. I like coming home and reading the paper.

SHELLY

We could just go for a walk.

WILLIAM

My feet are killing me.

(Shelly looks at William as he continues reading. She looks quietly exasperated, close to tears. She calms herself and returns to the piano. She hits a few notes quietly and then one note loud and with much discord. William looks at her, she does not turn toward him.)

WILLIAM

You look pretty.

SHELLY

I know.

(He goes back to reading.)

SHELLY

That’s yesterday’s newspaper.

(William checks it out.)

WILLIAM

So, it is.

SHELLY

And you haven’t turned the page in quite some time.

WILLIAM

I’ve been reading the same paragraph over and over. Something about powdered milk.

SHELLY

I’m dying in this place, William.

WILLIAM

We’ve talked about this.

SHELLY

I know.

WILLIAM

I’m not made of money. Times are hard. I’m lucky to have a job. Things will get better.

SHELLY (she looks at him)

When?

WILLIAM (he returns the gaze)

When they do.

(He retreats to the newspaper. She looks at the piano. She turns back towards him suddenly. He looks up. She slowly reaches across the table and takes the newspaper from him. She looks devilish. She takes one of the pages and folds it into a paper hat. William watches helplessly. She sets the hat on William’s head.)

SHELLY

Mad cap.

(William stands.)

WILLIAM

Well, since I have on my best chapeau, would the lady like to accompany me and perhaps share a small plate of finely chopped suey?

SHELLY (standing)

The lady would.

(He takes her arm. They turn toward the door, standing, not moving. Lights fade.)

Week 40, Day 275 - "Positively Loitering"

“Positive Loitering”

Written by Joe Janes

10/20/09

275 of 365

CAST

Officer Noble, 30s

Mark, 40s

Oswald, 30s

Lizzie, 50s

Jonna, 60s

Nancy, 20s

Reggie, teens

Bubba, 70s

(Officer Noble walks out stage left.)

OFFICER NOBLE

Some neighborhoods in Chicago are tired of gangs of youths taking over their communities. With the encouragement of local police and aldermen, good citizens are taking to the streets in a program called Positive Loitering. By standing their ground on street corners once occupied by drug dealers, prostitutes and hooligans, they are sending a message. They are taking back their neighborhood.

(Lights up on five people standing around on a street corner.)

MARK

This is great.

OSWALD

I saw some punks walking down the street and when they saw us, they turned the other way.

LIZZIE

I want to make sure this neighborhood is safe for my children.

NANCY

Where are your children?

LIZZIE

At home, I guess.

(Nods and a long pause.)

JONNA (taking out a thermos)

I brought some warm apple cider.

(They are all excited about this and gather around her.)

OFFICER NOBLE

Positive Loitering is successful, but it must be maintained. Week Four.

(Lights up on our crew and they look very bored.)

JONNA

I brought cider.

LIZZIE

Warm apple cider?

JONNA

Nope. Hard cider.

(She winks. They all gather around Jonna to get some cider.)

OFFICER NOBLE

Week Seven.

(They are all standing around. Looking bored. Jonna drinks straight from her thermos by herself.)

OSWALD

Hey-

JONNA

Buzz off. It’s mine.

OFFICER NOBLE

Week Fourteen.

(They all stand around, sipping from flasks, smoking cigarettes. Jonna enters with a boom box. She sets it down and presses the play button. We hear Miami Sound Machine’s “C’mon Everybody and Do The Conga.” Everyone starts to dance.)

OFFICER NOBLE

After three months of Positive Loitering, the program is considered successful and a staple for the community.

(Lights up on Reggie, a young man, standing alone. Mark and Oswald approach.)

REGGIE

Back off, motherfuckers.

MARK

Who are you?

REGGIE

This used to be my neighborhood and you old fucks ruined it with your drinking, cigarette smoking and your loud 80s pop music. If you can call that music.

(Jonna, Lizzie and Nancy enter.)

LIZZIE

Who’s this little pipsqueak?

OSWALD

He thinks this is his neighborhood.

NANCY

Oh, yeah?

(The commence to posturing and coming close to starting a fight when Bubba bursts out of his storefront with a gun.)

BUBBA

Hey, you grown-ups! Get away from my store. You’re scaring away customers! Get! Before I call the police!

(The grown-ups sulk away.)

REGGIE

Thanks, old man.

BUBBA

This place used to be a good neighborhood till they started hanging out. Don’t you people have widescreen TVs or meetings to go to!?! You look like a good kid. Why don’t you come into my store and try to shoplift something?

REGGIE

Okay.

BUBBA

Good boy.

(They walk into his store. The OFFICER NOBLE comes back out. He’s about to say something, but stops himself. He takes out a flask and drinks from it as he walks off. Lights fade.)

Week 40, Day 274 - "Clump"

“Clump”

Written by Joe Janes

10/19/09

274 of 365

Cast

Barry, 40s

Jared, 40s

(Lights up on Jared sitting on a cardboard box eating saltine crackers. He takes them out of their plastic wrapper and eats them one at a time nibbling at one end until he has passed the entire cracker into his cracker-grinder mouth. After the fifth or sixth one, he gets thirsty. He opens a small cooler nearby and takes out a plastic gallon jug of water, He is careful just to only take what he needs. He swishes the water around in his mouth before swallowing. Satisfied, he returns to cracker crunching. There is a knock at his garage-like door. He gets up, wiping off his t-shirt, and lifts the door up. Barry, a UPS man in a brown shirt and shorts stands there with a small box and clipboard.)

BARRY

You Jared Pillbottom?

JARED

Who’s asking?

BARRY

UPS. I have a package for you.

JARED (looking around)

Come on in.

(Barry enters and Jared closes the garage door.)

BARRY

Is this your residence?

JARED

You need to know that?

BARRY

No. Just asking. Looks like you live here.

JARED

It’s against the law to live in a self-storage unit, so, no. I don’t live here.

BARRY

Okay.

JARED

So, that’s it.

BARRY

Yes. Whatever “that” is.

(Barry hands Jared a small box. Jared takes it and regards it like it’s the Holy Grail.)

JARED

I need to find the right place for this.

(Jared sets it on top of the box he was sitting on.)

JARED (continuing)

This will have to do for now. Until I can buy a marble pedestal.

BARRY

I need you to sign for this.

JARED

Marble pedestal and some kind of light above it. Underneath it, too. Security. I never thought about security. I’ll have to sleep next to it, for now.

BARRY

That some kind of diamond or something?

JARED

Worth more than any diamond, worth more than any pile of diamonds. (He holds the box tighter) But I shouldn’t be telling you this.

BARRY

Look, I don’t care what you’ve got. Just doing my job. You need to sign for this.

(Jared takes the clipboard.)

JARED

What’s your name?

BARRY

Barry.

JARED

Barry. You have to promise me something, Barry. You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone about this.

BARRY

Like I said, I don’t really care. Just doing my job.

JARED

You would care, if you knew. You would care very deeply. I went from a man who had a few things to a man who had nothing to a man who now has this. Sold everything I owned. Took out a loan. I don’t know how long I have left on this planet, but I figure I’m passed the halfway point. Up till now, my life had no meaning. This is purpose. This is also my retirement. My health insurance. If things get bad-

BARRY

If things get bad?

JARED

If things get worse, I can sell this. For more than the $15,000 I paid for it.

(Jared signs the clipboard and hands it back to Barry.)

BARRY

That’s my pen.

JARED

Sorry.

(Jared hands him the pen.)

BARRY

Well, Mr. Pillbottom. You enjoy that thing. (Barry walks to the door.) This seems to be locked.

JARED

Wait. Barry. I have no one. No one to call. No one to visit. I need someone to see me with this. To bear witness to this holy of all holies.

BARRY

I really need to-

JARED

Won’t take a second.

(Jared tries to open it, but can’t. Too much tape.)

BARRY

Use your keys.

(Jared tries to use his keys, but no use.)

BARRY (continuing)

Try my pen.

(Jared tries the pen.)

JARED

That helped. I think I have it. Got an edge here.

BARRY

My pen.

(Jared hands him back the pen and opens the box. He sets it down on the ground. He carefully and gently removes tissue paper. Jared tears up. He reaches in a pulls out a small back clump of hair and holds it up with reverence.)

BARRY (continuing)

A scouring pad?

JARED

A clump of Elvis’s hair. From 1958. Before he joined the army.

(Barry is silent for a moment.)

BARRY

I think I’m going to cry. (He starts to cry and kneels down before the hair.) Elvis was the king.

JARED

The one and only king.

BARRY

May I touch it?

JARED

Are your hands clean?

BARRY (wipes his hands on his shirt)

Yes.

JARED

Go ahead.

(Barry touches the hair and then holds his hand.)

BARRY

I will never, ever wash this hand.

JARED

I paid a king’s ransom for this.

BARRY

Not really.

JARED

For me. Relatively speaking. I gave up everything for this moment,

BARRY

You have my honor and respect, Jared Pillbottom.

JARED

I know.

(Jared places the clump of hair on top of his box. A shaft of light hits it.)

BARRY

Amazing.

JARED

Worth every sacrifice. You need to go, now. So I can be alone with Elvis.

(Jared opens the door for Barry. Barry slips out.)

BARRY

Do you mind if I come back sometime? Just to pay my respects.

JARED

I would like that, Barry.

(Jared closes the door. He finds his crackers and takes out a saltine. He places it as an offering to the clump of hair. He kneels down much like a latter-day Elvis in his cape at the end of a song. The song “Burnin’ Love” begins to play. Lights fade.)

Week 39, Day 273 - "Boxing Day"

“Boxing Day”

Written by Joe Janes

10/18/09

273 of 365

CAST

Box King

Box #7

Box P

Box Ambassador (Unofficial)

A Very Large Box

(Lights up on two large cardboard boxes on stage. Box King and Box #7. The Box King is short, but wide. Box #7 is tall and thin. The Box King has one round hole large enough to put an eye against from the inside. It is marked by an arched eyebrow. There is also a hole for a mouth. Large enough to press one’s lips into and speak through clenched teeth. Atop the box sits a small crown. Box #7 is blank. From inside the blank one, we here various sounds of construction, such as a hammer hitting a nail, a saw, etc. Soon we seen a hand-cranked drill bit coming out of the blank face of the box. Then a saw comes out and widens the hole. Lips are pressed against the hole. He also uses this same hole to look through.)

Box #7

Sorry, I’m late your highness.

Box King

I am appalled by tardiness, Number Seven. It is disruptive and hostile. Insidious, even. It makes me feel like I’m not important enough, which is, no doubt, the desired effect. Which in turn makes me angry for falling into such a manipulative trap.

Box #7

I’m really sorry I’m late. You must believe me, I meant no harm. I am, in my soul, groveling for your forgiveness. It is good to see you.

Box King

It is good to be seen. I am awaiting news.

Box #7

I’ve been working very hard and I believe I have made progress.

Box King

How soon?

Box #7

I do not know.

Box King

How soon?

Box #7

Really. It could be tomorrow, it could be months.

Box King

Months! You are wasting my time. I should have you shredded. Dampened and shredded.

Box #7

You are asking a lot. It takes time to develop the technology.

Box King

All I want is to be able to go from here to there. From here to there. And, perhaps, if I feel so inclined, back again. From here to there to here. Upon my whimsy.

Box #7

Yes, I know. It sounds so simple, but no one has ever done it before. We don’t know what’s over there. You could get hurt. You could be killed. You could fall off the edge of the…world. We want to take every precaution.

(Box P enters. It is another box of a size somewhere between the King and Seven; however, it walks on two feminine legs. It enters and stands downstage left. On it’s front is a large red button.)

Box King

There it is, again. There it is. Over there.

Box #7

I see. So, that’s the vision you’ve been having.

Box King

Yes. But it’s not a vision. It’s real. And I want to be over there. Next to it. So I can kill it for being able to do something I cannot.

Box #7

It appears to be waiting for something.

Box King

What else does your science tell you?

Box #7

It’s mobile.

Box King

Brilliant.

Box #7

It’s like us, but not like us. It doesn’t appear to have the gift of speech. There you clearly have the advantage, sire. The way that it moves itself is – is - …

Box King

Yes?

Box #7

Nice.

Box King

Yes. Yes, it is. Very nice. But I don’t know why I feel that way.

(Box Ambassador (Unofficial) enters. It is another box of comparable size to Box P. It has two masculine legs. The legs are dressed in tuxedo pants and the shoes have spats over them. It has a hand with its index finger pointing in the center of its front panel.)

Box King

Dear Heavenly Whatzit. What’s that?

Box #7

Again, it’s similar, but different.

Box King

What is that thing protruding from its front? Some kind of weapon?

Box #7

I believe it is a teat.

Box King

Teat?

Box #7

Once thought extinct. Even mythological. They produce milk and newly born animals suckle them for nourishment.

(P and Ambassador move around one another, sizing each other up, getting ready, perhaps, to dance. The Ambassador bows. P bows. The Ambassador moves towards P and presses the button with his finger. Small “ears” pop out of the sides of P’s box and Esquival-type music begins to play. They dance a short seductive dance. They bow and leave, exiting separately. The Box King, full of jealousy and rage, rattles his box. He kicks out the bottom until he is able to get one leg out. He begins to hop about on one leg.)

BOX KING

I’m free! I’m free!

(We hear a snapping sound and the King falls.)

BOX KING

Ow! My appendage! It is causing me pain. Help me! Help me!

BOX #7

I have seen too much.

(He fills his hole with straw.)

BOX KING

Come back! Don’t leave me! I am your king!

(A Very Large Box comes out. It has many feet. It steps over the King, squats down, and devours him. It stands up and all we see left of the King if his broken crown on the ground. The Very Large Box belches as it walks off.)