Week One, Day Seven - "Babies Are Assholes"

Babies Are Assholes
Written by Joe Janes
1/25/09
7 of 365

CAST:
GUNNAR, 20’s
STACY, 20’s
DRUMMER
KEYBOARDIST

(Lights up on Stacy and Gunnar. They are a young, hip fashionable rock and roll couple sitting on the sofa of his living room. He strums an electric guitar as she curls up next to him.)

STACY

I’m glad you finally got to meet my parents, Gunnar.

GUNNAR

I’m glad you finally got to meet my guitar, Stacy.

STACY

I like your guitar.

GUNNAR

My guitar likes you, too.

STACY

My parents really liked you.

GUNNAR

Ned and Felicia are pretty cool, in a parent-y sort of way.

STACY

We have so much in common.

(Gunnar nods. long pause)

STACY

We should probably start thinking about the future.

GUNNAR

You mean, like, spaceships?

STACY

I mean like maybe us getting married some day. Or maybe just living together.

GUNNAR

Marriage is cool. Living together is cool, too. We could do both.

STACY

And we could start a family.

GUNNAR

What?

STACY

You know, have a baby, or two.

GUNNAR

No way. Unh-uh. I hate children.

STACY

But Gunnar, they wouldn’t be just any children. They would be our children.

GUNNAR

I’d like ‘em better if they weren’t.

STACY

But, Gunnar. Why?

GUNNAR

Why? I’ll tell you why…

(slow and melodic, accompanied by his electric guitar)

They come in to this world a bundle of sweet joy
Like a baby Godzilla - they eat and destroy
They stretch out your vagina to the size of a hat
While my wallet shrinks down to the size of a gnat

All they do is eat and puke and drool and cry and poo,
They’ll never clearly tell you what they want you to do
The baby is your schedule, all your sleep is gone
What is it about babies that makes them carry on?

(A drummer and keyboardist join in and the tune kicks into a high energy rock and roll Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees sort of ditty.)

CHORUS (GUNNAR AND BAND)

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Just shut the fuck up

GUNNAR

You have to keep them warm, you have to keep them dry,
They don’t come with instructions or any helpful guide
You have to take them with you wherever you go
Their head is so big cuz of their massive ego

They don’t care about the plans you make
All they do is take and take and take
They pay you back in stinky diapers,
I’d rather raise a nest of vipers

CHORUS (GUNNAR AND BAND)

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Just shut the fuck up

Babies are assholes (you already ate)
Babies are assholes (I’m watching TV)
Babies are assholes (It’s all about you)
Wah, wah, wah!

(BRIDGE) STACY

We were all babies once
Just as cute as can be

GUNNAR

Why can’t they come out full grown?

STACY

Don’t want that coming out of me.

Babies are life affirming
Babies are so sweet

GUNNAR

They only come in handy
When pitbulls need to eat

STACY

Babies can be noisy
And they need you near

GUNNAR

Why would you need a baby when-

STACY (caressing Gunnar)

I already have my baby here.

CUT TO EVERYONE SINGING IN SWEET A CAPELLA HARMONY

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top…

GUNNAR (spoken)

Stacy, why’s that stupid baby in a tree?

STACY(spoken)

Because, Gunnar…

EVERYONE

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
(quick shift to slow, Gunnar all alone)
Somebody change me

(I highly recommend someone fashion a percussion bead-filled shaker thingy out of a baby doll for Stacy to play during the final chorus. Get it? Shake the baby to get the cool sound.)

(Lights out)