Week Six, Day Forty-Two - “MR. MYSTERIUM”

“MR. MYSTERIUM”
Written by Joe Janes
3/1/09
42 of 365

CAST:
JUDGE VOODOO
MR. MYSTERIUM
STAVIUS PROCTOR
MARY PROCTOR
MALONEY
SAILOR
COURTROOM THUGS
ANNOUNCER
SOUND EFFECTS GUY

(Lights up on a 1940’s radio studio with its various old timey microphones. Off to one side is a table loaded with props for the sound effects man. All the actors dress in 1940s clothes with accents to their costumes denoting their characters. For example, Judge Voodoo wears a robe, Mr. Mysterium wears a fez, etc.)


(sfx: gong sound)

ANNOUNCER

The Dunbar Corporation presents…

MYSTERIUM

(low, slow and over-pronunciated)
Mee-sterrrrrrr Misssssss-steeeeeeerrrrr-eeeeeeeee-ummmmm. (then quickly) Fortune Teller Dectective.

ANNOUNCER

… brought to you by Dunbar - the makers of White Power Bleach. Black stains, yellow stains, red stains, even pesky little brown stains, are no match for the pure fighting power of White Power Bleach. Housewives everywhere, don’t just get your family’s clothes white, get them extra white with White Power Bleach.

(sfx: gong sound)

We hear the chattering of a small crowd.

(sfx: A gavel bangs and brings them to order.)

JUDGE

Order. Order. The court will now come to order. Bring in the prisoner!

STAVIUS

(sfx: being dragged by guards)
No, no. You people are mad. Mad, I say!

JUDGE

Guard, silence him!

(sfx: a slap is heard.)

Stavius is in pain and quiets.

JUDGE (continuing)

Mr. Stavius Proctor. Millionaire Philanthropist. Devoted husband and father. Writer of mediocre poetry. Kind to animals. Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Council to Make Orphans Happy. How do you plead?

STAVIUS

Plead? To what? What are my charges?

JUDGE

Those were your charges!

STAVIUS

What?

JUDGE

Do you deny them?

STAVIUS

No, this is ridiculous-

JUDGE

The prisoner pleads guilty of the crimes!

The crowd cheers!

JUDGE

You are hereby sentenced to…DEATH! By stoning!

(sfx: Rocks are flung at Stavius. Their pace quickens as he speaks)

STAVIUS

No, no. Please. I demand legal representation. I appeal! I appeal! I a-

(sfx: A rather large rock strikes him in the head and he falls.)

The crowd cheers, again. The sound fades.

(sfx: a bell is heard as a door opens and closes)

MARY

Hello? Hello-

MYSTERIUM

May I help you?

MARY

Are you?

MYSTERIUM

I am.

MARY

Mr. Mysterium?

MYSTERIUM

I said that I was.

MARY

I need your help.

MYSTERIUM

I know.

MARY

How did you know?

MYSTERIUM

Because you are here.

MARY

I see.

MYSTERIUM

No, I see. I am a seer of many things good and evil. Your name is Mary Proctor. You are here because your husband, Stavius Proctor, is missing. The police have been unable to help you, so you have come to me, Mr. Mysterium.

MARY

That’s about right.

MYSTERIUM

Your husband is dead.

MARY

Dead?

MYSTERIUM

Dead… That will be fifty dollars. Is there anything else I can help you with?

MARY

Dead?

MYSTERIUM

Yes.

MARY

Dead dead?

MYSTERIUM

Yes. I am a seer of good and evil. This is the evil part. I saw it in my crystal ball. I will take a check, but I prefer cash.

(sfx: A rock is thrown through the window of Mr. Mysterium’s shop and hits him in the head.)

MYSTERIUM

Ow! My head! My window! My head! I wish I had seen that coming!

MARY

There’s a note tied to the rock. And there’s blood on it.

MYSTERIUM

That’s probably mine. What does it say?

MARY

It says “If you want to see your husband again, be at the docks at midnight. Come alone. Bring $10,000. Preferably in cash.” My husband is still alive! You said he was dead.

MYSTERIUM

I thought it was him. Stocky. Curly red hair. Screams like a woman….?

MARY

That’s Stavius, all right.

MYSTERIUM

This could be a trick, Mrs. Proctor.

MARY

I can’t take that chance. Stavius needs me. The orphans need him.

MYSTERIUM

But $10,000, plus my $50 and the window, is a lot of money.

MARY

I don’t see how I owe you $50 if my husband is not as dead as you claimed.

MYSTERIUM

Well, I did put in the time. At least the window. Let me consult my crystal ball-

MARY

I’m afraid I don’t have time, Mr. Mysterium. The bank will close soon and I need to get that money together.

(sfx: She exits out the door with the bell)

MYSTERIUM

All right, then. I’ll just send you the bill.

(Sfx: a door opens. The sounds of a ship’s horn and sea gulls are heard. A door closes, silencing the shipyard sounds.)

MALONEY

Judge.

JUDGE

Yes, Maloney.

MALONEY

The message has been delivered to Mrs. Proctor. We followed her to some fortune-teller’s shop.

JUDGE

Fortune-teller, you say?

MALONEY

Yeah. A Mister Mystanthemum.

JUDGE

Mysterium, you idiot.

MALONEY

Yeah, that’s him. You want I should go mangle him up?

JUDGE

I have a better idea. Get the word out amongst your lackeys, Maloney. After we deliver Mr. Proctor and collect our due, court is going to be in session. (He laughs. Maloney joins him.)

(sfx: gong)

ANNOUNCER

We’ll return to “Mr. Mysterium, Fortune Teller Detective” in just a moment. Right now, I want to speak to the ladies about the Dunbar Corporation’s new product - White Power Bleach. Are you tired of washing clothes only for them to get dirty again? Well, White Power Bleach is the soaping agent you’ve been looking for. Every time you use the scientifically proven superior White Power Bleach, it builds an invisible protective barrier on your clothes. White Power Bleach gets unwanted stains out and keeps them out. Now, back to our story…

(sfx: gong)

(sfx: We hear dock sounds and a bell tolling in the background and the footsteps of a sailor.)

MARY

Excuse me, sailor. Yoo-hoo. Do you have the time?

SAILOR(lustfully)

Do I have the time? You bet I have the time, lady. …It’s midnight.

MARY

Thank you.

(sfx: walking off)

SAILOR (trailing off)

You’re welcome. Have a good evening.

MARY

My, it’s chilly out here. And so,so foggy. I can barely see my hand in front of my face, if I were to actually do such a thing. This satchel full of money is quite heavy.

JUDGE

Allow me to relieve you of it.

MARY

Who’s there?

JUDGE

Never mind who. Just put the satchel down and walk away.

MARY

But, where’s my husband?

JUDGE

He’s right behind you.

(sfx: Stavius is heard groaning and slowly walking toward Mary)

MARY

Stavius! Oh, Stavius! It’s you! It’s really you.

JUDGE

Maloney. Grab the satchel and check the money.

MALONEY

Right, Judge.

MARY

Oh, Stavius.

STAVIUS

(slowly)
Mary-

MARY

Yes, tis I. Your sweet devoted wife, Mary. I thought you were dead.

MYSTERIUM

He is dead, Mary.

MARY

Mr. Mysterium!

MYSTERIUM

Stay right where you are, you criminals. Don’t you dare move, Judge Voodoo.

JUDGE

Hello, Carl.

MYSTERIUM

Hello, Steve.

JUDGE

Why I haven’t seen you since…

JUDGE MYSTERIUM
Morrocco! Cleveland!

MYSTERIUM

Morocco?

JUDGE

Yes, I think it was Morocco.

MYSTERIUM

I could have sworn Cleveland. The flesh-eating rainbow perch you threw into Lake Erie?

JUDGE

I almost had them growing feet and walking onto shore before you interfered. But I’m still thinking Morocco was the last time… The scarabs , the fake mummy and the mystical babaganoush…The fez of doom?

MYSTERIUM

I kept the fez of doom. I use it for my winter fez. It’s very warm.

MARY

Carl Mysterium?

MALONEY

Steve Voodoo?

JUDGE

Judge Steve Voodoo. I earned this robe.

STAVIUS

Mary.

MARY

Oh, Stavius. It’s so good to have you back. You’re so cold. Here. Wear my bonnet.

MYSTERIUM

Tell her why Stavius is so cold, Voodoo.

JUDGE

Certainly, Mysterium. Mrs. Proctor, your husband is so cold because he is a zombie.

MARY

A zombie?

JUDGE

That’s right. A zombie. The living dead. He is in my control, now. I plan to return him to his philanthropic world and have him funnel his charitable dollars to us.

MYSTERIUM

So, you see, technically dead, which means I was right. Which also means there’s a matter of $50 and a window…

MARY

Fine, fine. I’ll pay you $50. But I’m not paying for that window. It was your window.

MYSTERIUM

The note was for you.

MARY

Have the person who threw the rock replace the window.

MYSTERIUM

I would, if I knew-

MALONEY

I threw the rock.

MARY

There you go. Get your money from that mean man.

MYSTERIUM

Fine. You, sir, owe me a new window. $35 ought to cover it.

MALONEY

Sheesh, I don’t carry that kind of cash on me. Oh wait- Here you go.

MARY

But that’s my money.

MYSTERIUM(counting the money)

Ten, twenty, thirty, thirty-five. Thank you.

JUDGE

Technically, it’s my money, now.

MALONEY

What should I do, Judge?

JUDGE

Let him keep it. We’ll get it back from him soon enough.

MYSTERIUM

You won’t get away with this, Voodoo.

JUDGE

Won’t I? Perhaps your crystal ball forgot to warn you about the men hiding in the shadows just behind you! Get him boys! Boys?

MYSTERIUM

Ha! My crystal ball did warn me about them. Perhaps you’re voodoo vision neglected to tell you that I had the police come earlier and dispatch of them. Officers! Officers! You can come out now!

JUDGE

Ha and Ha! My voodoo vision did warn me of your little plan and I hired a gang of shifty shore men to tie them up and ship them off to Shanghai!

MARY

But your crystal ball saw that, too, didn’t it, Mr. Mysterium? Didn’t it?

MYSTERIUM

You know, it really only gets one channel-

JUDGE

Grab him, Maloney!

MALONEY

Come here, you-

(sfx: Maloney struggles with and grabs Mysterium)

MALONEY

Got him, boss. What about Mrs. Proctor?

JUDGE

Don’t worry, her husband will take care of her.

(sfx: Zombie growling and struggling and dragging away)

MARY(trailing off)

Oh, Stavius. You animal! Oh, how I’ve missed you! This one’s for the orphans!

MYSTERIUM

And what do you plan to do with me, Voodoo?

JUDGE

Don’t worry, Mysterium. You will have your day - in court! (he laughs)

(sfx: crowd sounds and gavel calling court to order)

JUDGE

Order! Order in the court! Mr. Carl Mysterium. Teller of fortunes. Thwarter of evil. You are hereby sentenced to DEATH!

(sfx: crowd cheers and pelts Mysterium with rocks.)

MYSTERIUM

Sticks and – oh - stones may break my –

(sfx: big rock hits him in the head)

Ow.

(sfx: he falls)

The crowd cheers!

(sfx: door opening, letting in dock sounds, and door closing again).

MALONEY

Mr. Judge. We got more money in from the Proctors for our own “orphan” fund.

JUDGE

Excellent. Let’s celebrate, Maloney. Mysterium, bring us lime phosphates.

(SFX: Zombie groaning, quick mixing of drinks, and shuffling is heard)

MYSTERIUM

Here, Master.

JUDGE

Thank you. To us, Maloney – uh, why are you still here, Mysterium? And why are you holding your hand out?

MYSTERIUM

Tip.

JUDGE

One doesn’t tip a zombie slave. That’s the slave part. (MYSTERIUM groans) Fine. Here’s a quarter. Go away.

(sfx: Mysterium shuffles off)

MALONEY

You know, Boss, if you keep tipping him for everything he does, you’ll run out of money.

JUDGE

Not if we keep stealing it, Maloney. Not if we keep stealing! (They laugh, Mysterium joins in very loudly and kills the joy of their laughter.) Oh, shut up, Mysterium.

ANNOUNCER

Will Mr. Mysterium forever be Judge Voodoo’s zombie slave? Will he find a way to undo being undead? Will he be able to undo the voodoo Judge Voodoo dood? Join us next week on…

(SFX: GONG)

MYSTERIUM

(low, slow and over-pronunciated) Mee-sterrrrrrr Misssssss-steeeeeeerrrrr-eeeeeeeee-ummmmm. (then quickly) Fortune Teller Detective. And zombie.

ANNOUNCER

… brought to you by Dunbar - the makers of White Power
Bleach. Most laundry bleaches get your clothes clean for only a short period of time, but White Power Bleach is forever. Goodnight!

(sfx: gong sound)