Week 11, Day 76 - “How Sweet”

“How Sweet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/4/09
76 of 365


CAST:
Janet, 30s
Billy, 30s
Pat, 80s
Gerard, 80s
Peppy, 80s


(Lights up on Janet and Billy sitting on a park bench just enjoying the day. Billy is reading a book. Janet is people watching. Pat and Gerard enter. They appear to be a sweet, old couple. They are holding hands. Janet notices. She clearly thinks this is a heart-warming sight. Without looking at him, she grabs Billy’s hand.)

JANET

Aw, Billy. Look at that.

BILLY

Hmm? Oh. Yep. Cute.

JANET

I see couples like that and I hope that’s us someday.

BILLY

Sure. Me, too. That would be nice.

JANET

That would be so nice.

BILLY

How do you know they’re a couple?

JANET

What? Look at them. He adores her.

(Gerard picks a flower for Pat and gives it to her.)

BILLY

Doesn’t mean they’re a couple. Could be their first date. Maybe they’re having sordid affair. (She gives him a quizzical look.) You know. Maybe he’s blackmailing her into having dirty, wrinkly sex with him.

JANET (taking her hand back)

Why do you have to ruin everything?

BILLY
I’m just saying. They’re as cute as two cuddly bugs, but we don’t know what the real story is just by looking at them.

(Pat and Gerard sit on a bench and are being very cozy and adorable.)

JANET

I disagree. I bet they’ve been married for over fifty years. Ever since he got back from the war.

BILLY

Which war?

JANET

I don’t know. The war. He wrote her love letters every day and promised to marry her as soon as he returned to her arms. I bet they had a dozen children that they raised with lots of love. And they all grew up to be doctors and lawyers, but they’re not in it for the money. They donate a lot of time and salary to worthy causes and are making a difference in the world. And these two have lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren that just love and adore the heck out of them. They’re special and they give me hope.

BILLY

You’re right, Janet. I’m sorry I pooped on your dream. I’d like us to be like that, too.

(They kiss. Peppy enters, dressed in a purple suit, matching fur fedora and wearing large coke-bottle glasses. He also has a large unmatching fanny pack. Peppy uses a walker that has gold rims on the wheels. He makes his way to Pat and Gerard.)

PEPPY

Give me my money, bitch. You were supposed to be at the motel.

PAT

But, Peppy, Gerard wanted to go for a walk.

PEPPY

Don’t give me no sass or I’ll chafe you. Time’s up, asshole. You want more of Pat’s sweet mentholated rubbing, cough up an extra 200 bucks.

GERARD

Preposterous! This ho’s not worth that much.

PAT

Shut your trap, Gerard. You got what you wanted. I can’t help it you’re shooting nothing but sawdust down there.

PEPPY

Take a hike. Or you’ll be waddling with my walker up your ass.

GERARD (exiting)

Aw, phooey!

PAT

Wait – he has my choppers.

PEPPY

Give the bitch back her teeth first. Now.

(Gerard reaches into his pants and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Pat and exits.)

PEPPY (continuing)

What did I tell you? Always use denture cream.

PAT

I’m sorry, Peppy. Please don’t be mad. Here’s your money.

(She takes the money out of her blouse. It is wrapped in a handkerchief. She unwraps it and hands it to Peppy. He puts it in his fanny pack.)

PEPPY

That’s better. Now, kiss me, bitch.

(They start making out, loudly. Janet and Billy have been looking on, shocked. )

JANET (still looking)

I think we should break up.

(Billy nods. Blackout)