Week 15, Day 104 - "Weenus"

“Weenus”
Written by Joe Janes
5/2/09
104 of 365

CAST:
William, 30s
Ray, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on William angrily entering and opening up his locker in the men’s locker room of a health club. He is coming from the shower. Ray follows, looking regretful. He, too, is coming from the shower. His locker is not far from William’s. The men are drying off and changing into their office attire.)

WILLIAM

I can’t believe you did that.

RAY

I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

WILLIAM

You just don’t do that in the showers, Ray. It’s creepy and its weird.

RAY

I didn’t mean anything by it. Really, William, I didn’t.

WILLIAM

You were staring at my dick.

RAY

Yeah. I know. I realized I never got a good look at one before. My own, sure, but that’s always an aerial view. I was just curious.

WILLIAM

If you’re gay, just tell me.

RAY

I’m not gay. I just wanted to check it out. To compare. I see guys in porn videos, but man, who can measure up to that? Those guys’s are in it for a reason.

WILLIAM

You’re not gay, but you watch gay porn?

RAY

No, man. Uh, hetero porn. Guys with girls. And never more than one guy.

(Robert enters.)

ROBERT

I prefer girl-on-girl action. It’s like a two-fer. What? We’re talking porn, right?

(Robert takes a locker and begins to change out of his business clothes into workout clothes.)

RAY

Most guys are in to that, but not me. When I see two girls going at it, it just makes me feel so unnecessary. If I see a guy in there, it gives me hope. That could be me.

WILLIAM

Can we change the subject? I feel strange talking about this while we’re all in various states of undress.

ROBERT

How’d you guy’s get on the subject, any way?

WILLIAM

Why don’t you tell him, Ray?

RAY

Robert, William is mad at me because, in the shower, he caught me staring at his weenus.

ROBERT

Maybe you shouldn’t call it a weenus. Staring because its impressive or staring because its freakish – or both?

RAY

Neither, really. Pretty average, as far as I can tell. That’s why I was looking. I wanted to see how mine compared to someone else’s.

WILLIAM

Average? My penis is spectacular. Ask my wife.

ROBERT

Your wife is bias and probably lying. Let’s take a look.

WILLIAM

What? No way. We’re in the middle of a locker room.

ROBERT

So, what? Guys walk around here naked all the time. Just pretend you’re that old guy with the age spots on his wrinkly butt.

RAY

I’d like to see it, again. It was all wet before.

WILLIAM

Fine, here’s my penis.

(William opens his towel and shows them. They look.)

ROBERT

I’ve seen better. You’re right, Ray. Nothing to write home about.

WILLIAM

Nothing to write home about. Let’s see yours, Ray. Let’s see if Robert wants to write his mother about your junk.

(Ray opens his towel for them to see.)

ROBERT

His is bigger.

WILLIAM

What do you mean his is bigger?

ROBERT

Oh, yeah. Clearly. Don’t get me wrong, yours is adequate. I’m sure it gets the job done. Ray here has a slight advantage in the length and girth department.

WILLIAM

Girth?

ROBERT

Yeah, man. It’s like a pineapple.

WILLIAM

Let’s see yours, then. If you’re going to pass judgment on ours, I want to see yours.

ROBERT

No problemo.

(Robert opens up his sweat pants and shows them. They are stunned.)

RAY

Wow. That’s really impressive. Is it real?

WILLIAM

It…hooks.

RAY

It’s like a question mark.

WILLIAM

I need to sit down.

RAY

Ladies must really like that.

ROBERT

No complaints. Except that I’m only one man.

WILLIAM (touching his eyes)

I’m crying.

ROBERT

Boys, penises are like snowflakes. They’re all different. They come in all shapes and sizes. You got what you got. Some of us are blessed with a little extra novelty in our shorts; others carry on the normal gene. Somebody has to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to the racquetball court.

RAY

Hey, you forgot your paddle.

ROBERT (winking)

Don’t need it.

(Blackout)