Week 16, Day 106 - "Wishful Thinking"

“Wishful Thinking”
Written by Joe Janes
5/4/09
106 out of 365

CAST:
EVAN, 20s
DUSTIN, 60s
TV ANNOUNCER

(Lights up on a tired Evan getting in to a cab at night. Dustin is driving.)

EVAN

Hey, man. Lawrence and Broadway, please.

DUSTIN

Sure thing. Just getting off work.

EVAN

Yeah. Can you believe it? Just enough time to go home, eat a Hot Pocket, go to bed and be back here by 8:30. (Takes out his wallet and checks the contents.)

DUSTIN

Sounds rough.

EVAN

Crap.

DUSTIN

What’s the matter?

EVAN

Crap. How much to where I’m going?

DUSTIN

Oh, probably seven or eight dollars. Plus…tip?

EVAN

Can you just take me as far a five?

DUSTIN

Not a very good neighborhood to walk from.

EVAN

All I have is a five.

DUSTIN

Want me to stop at an ATM?

EVAN

No. Then I’ll be paying three bucks just to take out another five, if it’ll even let me. I thought I had more money on me. And I don’t get paid again till the end of next week.

DUSTIN

Maybe you need a new job. One that pays well and makes you work less.

EVAN

I wish.

DUSTIN

Do you?

EVAN

Do I what?

DUSTIN

Do you wish that?

EVAN

Doesn’t everybody? Don’t you?

DUSTIN

This is not my real job. I do this part-time. For fun.

EVAN

What’s your full-time job?

DUSTIN

I’m a genie. I can grant you three wishes. Choose them carefully.

EVAN

Yeah, right.

DUSTIN

Try it.

EVAN

Wish for anything?

DUSTIN

Anything your heart desires.

EVAN

Wait – if you are a genie, and I’m not saying you are because, well, that’s nuts, but if you are, are you one of those that finds a way to screw me over with some ironic twist?

DUSTIN

No, I’m not one of those. That takes a lot of time and energy and planning. I’m a lazy genie. I just give you what you want and go on my way. If you don’t believe me, just start with something small. Something not worth wreaking ironic vengeance over.

EVAN

Okay, well, I want to have enough money in my wallet to have this cab drive me all the way to my apartment and not have to walk.

DUSTIN

Done. Look inside your wallet.

EVAN

Hey. There’s a twenty in there. Wait – it won’t cost twenty dollars to drive to my apartment.

DUSTIN

I figured you’d want to tip me well.

EVAN

Okay. I do want to tip you well. You’re a genie and you’re driving me home and granting me wishes. That’s worth an extra five.

DUSTIN

You have two more wishes.

EVAN

Okay. Okay. No loopholes. What do I want? Okay. I got it. I want to make $60,000 a year, doing nothing. And take the taxes out, so the IRS doesn’t screw me. And make it so they take out enough that I get a refund every year.

DUSTIN

You only want 60k a year? Taxed?

EVAN

Yep. I know that if I ask for more – a million or a billion – you’ll find a way to burn me because of my greed.

DUSTIN

I told you; I’m not in to that.

EVAN

Which is exactly what a genie would say if they were into that. 60k covers me on all my expenses plus extra, but not so much that people bug me to give to charity and stuff.

DUSTIN

Okay. Done. Can you check your bank account?

EVAN (pushing buttons on his cell phone)

Way ahead of you. Hey, there’s only 42, 485 dollars there.

DUSTIN

Which is 60,000 after taxes.

EVAN

Damn you, Obama.

DUSTIN

I know. It’s a real bite in the ass. Do you want to make a third wish for more money?

EVAN

No, no. That’s good. It’s still more than what I’m making now. I have a cab ride home, an annual income that nets over 40k, what else do I want?

DUSTIN

Love? World peace? Reverse global warming?

EVAN

Nah. I think if I try to go big, you’ll find some genie-like way to royally mess with me. I’ve got it.

DUSTIN

Yes?

EVAN

You have to do whatever I wish for, right? No matter what.

DUSTIN

No matter what.

EVAN

Okay, I know how I can make sure you won’t be a bastard and take away what you already gave me or find some way for me not to ever enjoy it. I wish… you… were dead.

(Dustin gasps, clutches his chest, lights go to black as we hear a car swerving out of control and crashing.)

TV ANNOUNCER (VO)

Two men were pronounced dead at the scene of a car accident in the Uptown neighborhood. Police believe the driver suffering a heart attack caused the crash. The passenger, 26-year-old Evan O’Donnell, was still conscious when paramedics arrived. His dying last word was, quote, “Bastard.” End quote.