Week 16, Day 109 - "Bullet Flu"

“Bullet Flu”
Written by Joe Janes
5/7/09
109 of 365

CAST
RON, 40s
LYDIA, 40s
DR. GIMPLE, 60s

(We hear some important news music. Lights up on news anchors Ron and Lydia along with Dr. Gimple breaking in to our regularly scheduled programming for some important news.)

RON

I’m Ron Kaufman.

LYDIA

And I’m Lydia Perez.

RON

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this breaking news story…

LYDIA

An unidentified Lakeview man is dead. Medical examiners believe the cause of death is a gunshot wound.

RON

Here to help us better understand this condition is physician and spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control, Dr. Eduard Gimple.

LYDIA

Dr. Gimple, please tell us, what causes gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

Lydia, gunshot wounds are caused by bullets being discharged from a gun. The only way to be harmed by one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really.

RON

Where do these bullets come from, Doctor? Mexicans?

LYDIA

Gay people who want to marry?

DR. GIMPLE

There’s a lot of speculation. Some even think black presidents cause them.

(They all laugh.)

DR. GIMPLE

The truth is, any human can carry bullets. And that alone is not anything to be concerned about. Bullets are harmless without a gun, their natural receptor.

LYDIA

How can I tell if I have a gun?

DOCTOR

Good question. You might have a gun and not even know it. A simple test you can do at home is to run your hand along the sides of your torso, lower back and legs. If you feel a lump under the sweat glands or along the calf, you might have a gun.

RON

Doctor, is there anything I can do to prevent being shot by a bullet?

DR. GIMPLE

Avoid crowded places, Ron, such as post offices, universities and 7-11s. The best thing you can do is stay indoors. But that’s also not a guarantee. People have been known to catch bullets in their homes.

LYDIA

Will washing my hands help?

DR. GIMPLE

Yes.

RON

Dr. Gimple, how do I know if I have been shot with one of these bullets?

DR. GIMPLE

There are some telltale symptoms. Achiness, throbbing pains, light-headedness, unfamiliar holes in your flesh and bleeding.

LYDIA

If I think I’ve been shot, what should I do?

DR. GIMPLE

As quickly as you can, just go home and crawl in to bed. Rest. Drink plenty of liquids. If after a day or two you don’t feel any better, then go see a doctor.

RON

Are gunshot wounds always lethal?

DR. GIMPLE

No, no. Not at all. That’s a common misperception. There are some people who have been shot multiple times with only minor side effects. However, elderly people and infants should try to avoid being around guns as much as possible. They are very susceptible to its ill effects.

LYDIA

Excuse me, doctor. We just got word now that an elementary school student on the south side has just been shot. We’re waiting to receive word on her condition.

DR. GIMPLE

Schools are a virtual breeding ground for bullets. Once one student has been shot, it’s possible more will quickly follow. I wouldn’t be surprised if that school closes its doors and sends everyone home for a day or two.

RON

How serious is this problem, Dr. Gimple? Are we looking at a nationwide pandemic of gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

I don’t think there’s any reason to panic, just yet. Gunshot wounds are a lot more common than you might think. Last year in this country alone over 30,000 people died from common, run-of-the-mill gunshot wounds. They can vary in intensity, which has made it difficult to create an effective vaccine to combat them.

LYDIA

We need to wrap up. Any final words on what our viewers should do about gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMBLE

The very best thing you can do is stay away from bullets.

(They laugh)

LYDIA

You know I will.

RON

Me, too. Thank you, Dr. Gimple.

LYDIA

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

(Blackout)