Week 23, Day 156 - "Everybody Poops, Even Neil"

“Everybody Poops, Even Neil”
Written by Joe Janes
6/23/09
156 of 365

CAST:
Neil, 20s
Mrs. Brown, 60s
Mindy, 20s

(Lights up on a sad Neil walking home at night passing Mrs. Brown, a sweet old lady, who is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch.)

MRS. BROWN

Evening, Neil.

NEIL

Evening, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

How was your date?

NEIL

My date?

MRS. BROWN

Yes, that pretty redheaded girl I saw you walking with earlier. Sure looked like a date to me. You had the biggest smile on your face.

NEIL

Yeah. I guess it was all right.

MRS. BROWN

Now, Neil. You come here and tell me what’s troubling you.

NEIL

I’m really embarrassed, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

You know you can tell me anything, child.

NEIL

I don’t think Mindy’s ever going to go out with me ever again.

MRS. BROWN

Why would you say such a thing? You’re handsome and you’re a gentleman.

NEIL

Thanks, but-

MRS. BROWN

But what?

NEIL

Argh! Everything was going great, but for at the restaurant I ordered a plate of steamed broccoli and a bottomless cup of coffee for my dinner.

MRS. BROWN

Interesting choice.

NEIL

I wanted to impress her by showing her I was healthy and alert. But I had no idea how it was going to affect me. We were strolling by the park when all of a sudden, it was like, oh, this is so embarrassing, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

I think I know what you’re going to say, Neil. You had to poop.

NEIL

That’s right. I had to poop. Bad. Real bad. Really real bad. It was like a swat team was trying to kick out the back door of my trousers.

MRS. WOCLOTT

What did you do?

NEIL

I held it as long as I could, but then it started to affect the way I walked. I suggested we go to the closest possible gas station and get a frozen treat for dessert.

MRS. WOCLOTT

Good thinking.

NEIL

And while we were in there, I made a feeble excuse; I said, “Um, I have to go check on something…” I ran into the bathroom and quickly unleashed all that is unholy. The door was one of those thin wooden doors that didn’t go all the way to the floor and I was making noise. A lot of noise. Like swinging a bat at a duffle bag full of ducks. The room vibrated. I heard a few cans of motor oil fall off a shelf, too. When I came out, Mindy was gone.

MRS. BROWN

Now, now, Neil.

NEIL

And I don’t blame her. What I did was inhuman.

MRS. BROWN

On the contrary, Neil What you did was perfectly natural. Everyone and everything that eats also poops.

NEIL

Really?

MRS. BROWN

Oh, sure. You’ve seen animals poop, haven’t you?

NEIL

I watch my cat poop all the time.

MRS. BROWN

You probably don’t need to do that.

NEIL

He gets this look on his face. He seems to take it very seriously.

MRS. BROWN

All human beings poop, too. Not just you. Did you know astronauts poop?

NEIL

Even in space?

MRS. BROWN

Even in space. The president poops. So does Chuck Norris. And all those pretty semi-nude lingerie models in the magazines you keep in your nightstand-

NEIL

Hey, how did you know-

MRS. BROWN

Oh, the whole town knows about that. And what you do with them, that’s natural, too. In moderation. But I digress; my point is that those pretty girls also poop. Think about that the next time you’re looking at them.

NEIL

Yeah. I probably will.

MRS. BROWN

I hope our talk has made you feel better.

NEIL

I guess so. But what I did just seemed so violent. And Mindy did run away.

(Mindy enters walking on the sidewalk.)

MINDY

Neil?

NEIL

Mindy!

MINDY

There you are. Where did you run off to?

NEIL

Me? I came out of the bathroom and couldn’t find you. I assumed I frightened you away.

MINDY

No, silly. I had sauerkraut, sausage and a big glass of milk for dinner. Where do you think I was?

NEIL

On, my goodness. Were you in the ladies room?

MINDY

You bet I was. And for quite some time.

MRS. BROWN

Girls take longer to poop.

MINDY

We sure do.

MRS. BROWN

Say, do you kids want to come inside for some chocolate pie?

MINDY

Sure!

NEIL

A wedge of Mrs. Brown’s Famous Chocolate Pie sounds great, but it’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.

MINDY

What’s the matter, Neil?

MRS. BROWN

Are you pooped?

NEIL

Not any more!

(They all laugh heartily. Neil and Mindy get sudden, very concerned looks on their faces. They stand awkwardly in silence for a moment.)

NEIL

I need to go check on something.

(He runs inside.)

MRS. BROWN

There’s another bathroom upstairs, Mindy.

(They follow. Blackout.)