Week 23, Day 157 - “Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”

“Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”
Written by Joe Janes
6/24/09
157 of 365

CAST:
Phillip, adult dinosaur
Cindy, 8
Billy, 8
Todd, 8
Alphonso, 8
Sally, 8
Cunt Jergen, 50s, Australian

(Lights up on Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur in a classroom surrounded by children. He is finishing a sing-a-long with them to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)

PHILLIP AND KIDS

Love, Love, Love the world,
With a great big heart,
Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee,
Makes a tasty tart!

(They all cheer!)

PHILLIP

Next, I, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur, courtesy of Sara Lee, am going to teach you the alphabet!

(The kids cheer!)

PHILLIP

Can someone tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet? (Cindy raises her hand.) Cindy!

CINDY

Where’s Mrs. Florenheim?

PHILLIP

Mrs. Florenheim had to go home to take care of her sick cat. Okay? Okay, everybody? Now, the alphabet-

CINDY

Are you really a dinosaur?

PHILLIP

Yep, I’m really a dinosaur. Grrr.

CINDY

What kind of dinosaur are you?

PHILLIP

Why, I’m a friendly dinosaur, right, kids?

(The kids cheer.)

CINDY

Yes, but what kind? Are you a tyrannosaurus? A velociraptor?

BILLY

It’s whatever dinosaur is purple, right, Phillip?

CINDY

Well, what kind of dinosaur is purple? I’ve never heard of a purple dinosaur.

PHILLIP

Nobody has, Cindy. Dinosaurs became extinct either millions of years ago or thousands of years ago depending on what your parents tell you and in no way am I trying to persuade you to believe one thing over another. The point is, either no one ever saw a dinosaur or remembers what color they were.

TODD

26!

PHILLIP

That’s right, Todd!

BILLY

Why doesn’t anyone know what color dinosaurs are?

CINDY

Because they’re all dead. That’s what “extinct” means.

BILLY

Then what’s he doing here?

PHILLIP

I’m here to teach you the alphabet to make you smart. Maybe if you’re smart, you won’t become extinct like all my dinosaur friends. Anyone know a word that begins with the letter “A”?

SALLY

Why aren’t you stinkt?

PHILLIP

Ex-tinct, a word that does not begin with the letter “A.” Try again, any-one. How a-bout you, Al-phonso?

ALPHONSO

Why aren’t you dead like all the other dinosaurs?

(All the kids chime in with ‘yeahs’ and such.)

PHILLIP

All right, all right. If I tell you, can we then go on to learn about the alphabet?

TODD

Alphabet!

PHILLIP

Yes, Todd, the alphabet.

TODD

It begins with “A.”

PHILLIP

Oh, you’re right, Very good. Guess you get an “A.”

(Todd cheers, no one else does. The other kids glare at Phillip.)

PHILLIP (continuing)

Okay. About ten years ago, a mosquito from when dinosaurs roamed the earth was found trapped in amber. A scientist, underwritten by The Sara Lee Corporation, figured out a way to extract the blood the mosquito digested from having bitten a dinosaur and used that blood to clone me. He didn’t have all the DNA he needed, so he made some up with some modern day animals like lizards, jellyfish and the purple finch. Thus, purple. Happy? Can we move on to “B,” now, please?

CINDY

Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

What?

CINDY

You’re a dinosaur. Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

Because I’m a friendly dinosaur, remember? Friendly dinosaurs don’t eat people. Unless provoked.

BILLY

What do you eat?

ALPHONSO

Yeah, what do you eat? I don’t see any teeth?

PHILLIP

If you look closely, you can see tiny sharp ridges along my mouth. Good for biting, but not for chewing. When I see something I want to eat, I hold it down with my sharp claws and spit up an acidic bile that kills and dissolves my prey. Then I just slurp it on up.

(The kids are grossed out and “ewwwww” that idea.)

TODD

Bile!

PHILLIP

Good job, Todd. Bile begins with "B." You’re learning the alphabet, even if no one else is. Let’s move on to “C.” “C” can be a little tricky. Sometimes it has a soft sound, like “ceiling” (he points up) and sometimes it has a hard sound like – CUNT!

(Cunt Jergen enters. He is dressed like an African safari hunter. He carries a big gun.)

CUNT

That’s right, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur. It’s me, Cunt Jergen, the Unfriendly Dinosaur Wrangler. Time to get back in your cage.

PHILLIP

How did you find me?

CUNT

Simple, Phillip. I found your spore on the sidewalk outside this building, The Sara Lee Corporation Compound Daycare Center. And that spore also contained bits of colored chalk. The same kind of chalk favored by Mrs. Florenheim, their usual teacher.

PHILLIP

You’ll never take me. You come any closer, and these kids become my Lunchables.

CUNT

You wouldn’t dare!

PHILLIP

Wouldn’t I?

(Phillip roars and spits up acidic bile onto Todd. Todd screams. Cunt, the ill-prepared unfriendly dinosaur hunter, starts to load his gun. Too late. Phillip is on a rampage. He spits up on Cunt and tears him apart. He claws all the remaining kids until he sits among the bloody ruins.)

PHILLIP

Why, God? Why?

(Cindy stirs and crawls her way over to Phillip.)

CINDY

I forgot to ask. Where did you learn how to talk?

(Phillip belches up more bile onto her head. She screams and writhes in pain until she is dead.)

PHILLIP

I went to school.

(Blackout)