Week 24, Day 167 - "How Bad's The Coffee?"

“How Bad’s The Coffee?”
Written by Joe Janes
7/4/09
167 of 365

CAST:
Clyde, 40s
Morgan, 40s
Jeri, 40s

(Lights up on a plain-clothes cop, Jeri, in an interrogation room with Clyde, who sits slumped in his chair wearing a bathrobe. We can see bloodstains on his t-shirt. Morgan, another plainclothes cop, enters carrying two cups of coffee in Styrofoam cups and sets them down on the table.)

JERI

Thanks, Morgan.

(Jeri takes a sip and grimaces.)

MORGAN

How bad’s the coffee, Jeri?

JERI

Bad.

CLYDE

It’s in a Styrofoam cup.

JERI

And?

CLYDE

You’ll never have a good cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup. Simple as that. Styrofoam, even food-grade Styrofoam, isn't cured to the extent necessary to remove all out-gassing and leave only inert polymer. Hot beverages accelerate the release of free styrene monomer, among other things.

JERI

Great. So this Styrofoam cup is just one more shitty thing in this world out to kill me.

CLYDE

Not really. It just fucks up the taste. Is that one for me?

MORGAN

Yeah. Sorry, Clyde. Only got Styrofoam. Take it or leave it.

CLYDE

I’ll take it. I need it.

(He takes a sip and winces.)

CLYDE

None for you, Detective Morgan?

MORGAN

Makes me pee too much.

CLYDE

Caffeine is a diuretic. Diuretics promote the function of the kidneys, which filters urine. That makes you pee a lot.

JERI

Coffee makes me bust a move, if you know what I mean.

CLYDE

Caffeine inhibits an enzyme that is thought to regulate mucosal secretions in your small intestine. Secretions go up, so fluid in your bowel goes up, and if the amount of fluid in your colon is greater than the amount of fluid you can reabsorb, splat, you get diarrhea, or at least looser stools.

MORGAN

I think I just lost my taste for coffee altogether.

JERI

It’s never been about the taste, for me. If I don’t have my coffee, I get grumpy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m grumpy.

MORGAN

So, that’s what does it. I thought you were just born with a stick up your ass.

(They laugh.)

CLYDE

Irritability, gloom and constant fatigue along with sensations of discomfort are the primary symptoms of coffee addiction. The worst part is when you try dozing off at night, you just can't, no matter how hard you try; you just aren't able to fall asleep. That's not the end, it all goes round and round in a cycle: You wake up the next morning feeling low and stressed out, thirsty and craving for yet another steaming hot cup of coffee. Once you're tied into this chain of coffee consumption, it becomes too difficult to get yourself out of it.

(He takes another sip of his coffee, as does Jeri.)

CLYDE

Sweeten it and add cream, and you have quite the addiction cocktail. Caffeine, sugar, fat. It’s a steady daily intake of poison and quite the moneymaker for coffee “dealers.”

JERI

Clyde. Let’s get down to business here. Why’d you kill your wife?

CLYDE (sipping more coffee)

Bitch couldn’t make a decent cup of coffee.

(Blackout)