Week 34, Day 232 - "I Hate Cleaning"

“I Hate Cleaning”

Written by Joe Janes

9/7/09

232 of 365

Cast:

Larry, 30s

Christine, 30s

(Lights up on Larry walking into his living room carrying a single sock. He looks around and sees the other sock under the sofa. He retrieves it. He moves stacks of papers on his sofa so he can sit and put the socks on. Before he puts them on, though, he was to wipe off the bottoms of his feet. He puts on one sock. His phone rings. He looks around the room. He hops over to a small table and picks up his cell phone.)

LARRY

Hello?... Hi, Christine… I was just killing some time before our date tidying up. You know me. Love to clean. We still meeting at Lucky’s… Oh, you are? Um, sure. Come on by..If you want to…(He looks around his apartment) How much time do I have before you…? Ten minutes. Sure. Fins. No problem. See you in ten. Buh-bye. (He hangs up. He is still on one foot.) Crap! Crap, crap, crap. (He puts on his other sock. Why do women do this? This is clearly a test to see how I keep my place. It’s not that I’m a slob, I just hate cleaning.

(Music starts. As Larry sings, he cleans, sometimes doing what he is singing, sometimes just shoving large piles of things under and behind other things.)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I never know where to start

The kitchen sink is loaded

The bathroom has a deep funk

The dust bunnies are bloated

I should wipe down this mirror

But all I have is steel wool (He uses his sleeve)

Hey the dresser is empty (He throws magazines or newspapers into a dresser)

Because the laundry basket’s full

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

Can’t I just do it once and be all done

Seem I just swept the floor a month ago

Where the hell do all these cobwebs come from

What the hell is this, Tollhouse cookie dough (He finds a lump on the floor and eats it)

I’ve lost girlfriends over my messy home

It’s not good if your place makes your date sneeze

Wrap it all in plastic, even the cat

The litter smells spring fresh thanks to Febreez (He sprays the cat box and his feet with Febreez)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I could spend the money on a maid

But that’s the lazy cheater’s way out

I’d much rather clean it like a man

Guess that’s why my closet smells like trout

(The doorbell rings. Larry opens it.)

Christine. Come on in.

(Christine enters with the slow and intent eye of an inspector.)

CHRISTINE

Why, hello, Larry…

I could not wait for our third date

Sorry to suddenly stop by

If I’m to invest into your stock

Need to check out your pigsty

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, well, you know, I am a guy…

CHRISTINE (singing)

This really isn’t so bad

Believe me I’ve seen much worse

Most men only want a maid

Looks like I’ve lifted my curse

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, that’s great.

(singing)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I love having cleaned.

CHRISTINE (seductively)

The bedroom, I take it, is in here.

(She exits)

LARRY

Oh, shit.

(Christine screams. Blackout)