Week 13, Day 87 - "Officer Arsenty"

“Officer Arsenty”
Written by Joe Janes
4/15/09
87 of 365

CAST
Tim, 20s
Neil, 20s
Officer Arsenty, 50s

(In the dark we hear a siren. Lights up on Tim and Neil in a car. Tim is driving. Behind them is Officer Arsenty in his car.)

TIM

Aw, crap. We’re being pulled over.

NEIL

Tim, you ran that red light.

TIM

It was yellow, Neil.

NEIL

Which is when you should have slowed down. It turned red. Like it always does after yellow.

(In the background, a rather rotund Officer Arsenty climbs out of his car and approaches the driver’s window. His movements are a little slow and deliberate. He carries a bone. Tim rolls down the window.)

TIM (continuing)

Evening, officer, sir.

(Officer Jobe just stares at him.)

TIM (continuing)

Is there a problem?

(Jobe lets out a big sigh. Tim gets a face full of booze fumes. He looks at Neil. Jobe wobbles a bit, and then shushes Tim. Jobe then staggers back a few feet and beckons Tim to “come here.” Tim slowly and reluctantly does.)

TIM (continuing)

Yes?

JOBE

I like you, son. What’s your name?

TIM

Tim.

JOBE

Jim. I like you, Jim. I’m Officer Jobe Arsenty.

(Jobe puts his hand on Tim’s shoulder)

NEIL

Hey, I can see you!

(Jobe pulls his gun.)

JOBE

Who’s there?

TIM

It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s just my friend, Neil. There. In the passenger’s seat.

JOBE

I have my eye on you.

NEIL

I doubt it.

(He drops his gun as he tries to put it away. He tries to pick it up and kicks it instead. Tim gets the gun and hands it to him.)

JOBE

Thank you, Jim.

NEIL

It’s Tim.

JOBE

Who the hell are you?

NEIL

I’m Neil. Tim’s friend.

JOBE

There ain’t no Tim, here. Get out of the car. (Neil opens the car door) Whoa! Slowly! Slowly!

NEIL

Okay. Okay. Don’t shoot me.

JOBE

Don’t you tell me what not to do. Where are you boys heading?

TIM

A party.

JOBE

Party boys, eh!

NEIL

My mom’s birthday party.

JOBE

That sickens me.

NEIL

Okay.

JOBE

You sicken me. Let me see you walk a straight line.

(Neil sighs and walks a straight line towards Jobe who points his bone at Neil like a gun.)

JOBE (continuing)

Stop or I’ll, or I’ll…bone you. Gun?

TIM

Right there.

JOBE

Oh. Thank you. You’re nice. But you-!

NEIL

You told me to move!

JOBE

Oh, yeah. Close your eyes and touch your nose.

(Neil does, easily.)

JOBE

Did he do it, Jim?

TIM

Yeah.

JOBE

Touch his nose.

NEIL

What?

JOBE

Don’t smart off, smarty. Close your eyes and touch Jim’s nose.

(Neil closes his eyes and manages to eventually touch Tim’s nose.)

JOBE

Did he do it?

TIM

Yeah. Poked my eye, too.

JOBE

That wasn’t part of the instructions. I’ll have to bring you in. Spread ‘em.

NEIL

Oh, come on!

JOBE

Get up against the car and spread your legs. I need to pat you down.

NEIL (doing so)

Oh, joy.

(Jobe walks up to Neil, starts to pat him down, but passes out against Neil while doing so.)

NEIL

Oh, God, get him off me. I feel his bone.

TIM

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

(Tim gets Jobe off Neil and sits him down on the road.)

NEIL

That guy is stinking drunk.

TIM

You think?

NEIL

Let’s go.

TIM

We can’t just leave him sitting in the road.

JOBE (coming to)

Jim. Jim. Come here.

TIM

What is it, Officer Jobe?

JOBE

Are you married? Got a girlfriend?

NEIL

You don’t have to answer that.

TIM (waving Neil to be quiet)

No, Jobe. I don’t have either, right now.

JOBE

Aw, that’s too bad. What about the other one? You got one.

NEIL

Yeah. A girlfriend. We might get married.

JOBE

Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you both something. You find a girl you love with all your heart, hope you die first.

NEIL

Die first. Got it. We can go, now, right?

TIM

Jobe, why do you say that?

JOBE

Because Millie died a year ago. And it’s been hell. Sheer hell.

(Jobe starts crying into Tim’s chest. Tim reluctantly holds him.)

TIM

Jobe, I don’t think you should drive. Can we give you a lift somewhere?

JOBE

Aw, you don’t have to do that.

TIM

No, no, it’s okay. I insist. C’mon.

(Neil and Tim help Jobe get into the backseat of their car.)

TIM

There you go.

(Neil and Tim get in to the front seat. Tim starts driving.)

TIM (continuing)

You okay back there, Jobe?

JOBE

Yeah.Yeah. The station's just up the road a bit.

NEIL

Sorry about your wife.

JOBE

Why are you sorry about my wife?

NEIL

Just seems like a very sad thing to go through, losing your wife Millie.

JOBE

My wife ain’t dead. Millie’s was my cocker spaniel. I sure miss that pooch. Oh, Millie, oh, Millie…Why? Why?

(He starts wailing and kissing the bone. Lights fade.)

THE 365 VIDEO CHALLENGE!

Tuesday, April 28 will mark the 100th sketch posted on 365 Sketches. To honor the occasion, we at 365 headquarters (me) are issuing a video challenge! Create a video of one of the first 100 365 Sketches and post it to YouTube. Let me know when its posted using the comment section here. I'll link to the video for all to see. You have until midnight central time on April 28th to post. On Wednesday, April 29th, I'll announce the winner!

Ooh, and what does the winner receive?

A crisp ten dollar bill. In fact, this very one. Suitable for framing.

Week 13, Day 86 - "Dually Noted"

“Dually Noted”
Written by Joe Janes
4/14/09
86 of 365

CAST:
Larry, late 30s
Grace, late 30s

(Lights up on Larry, wearing sunglasses, sitting on a park bench looking around nervously. Possibly smoking a cigarette. Grace enters.)

GRACE

Larry?

LARRY

Grace!

(He quickly grabs her and makes her sit down on the bench.)

GRACE

Okay, really nice to see you, too.

LARRY

Did anyone see you?

GRACE

Sure, lots of people. We’re in a park. Larry, why are you being so clandestine?

LARRY

Uh -?

GRACE

Sneaky.

LARRY

Because, Grace, I’m a married man.

GRACE

And I’m a married woman. Doesn’t make it against the law for two old high school friends to meet and catch up.

LARRY

My wife might think differently if she knew I had this. (He takes a note out of his pocket.)

GRACE

What’s that?

LARRY

A note you wrote to me.

GRACE

I didn’t write you a note.

LARRY

Yes. You did. I found it in the lining of my varsity jacket.

GRACE

From our senior year in high school. Larry, I wrote that note twenty years ago. You just now found it?

LARRY

There was a hole in the pocket. I found it going through some old boxes.

GRACE

Guess I don’t feel so bad now about not hearing from you about it.

LARRY

Grace. I need to know if what you wrote in this note is true.

GRACE

Larry, I hardly remember what I wrote. That was a different time.

LARRY (reading note)

“I think you’re the greatest guy I have ever met. My love for you is forever. I want you to be my first.” Is it still true?

GRACE

It’s a little late. I’m married, now. With kids. So, are you.

LARRY

But, if I had found this note when you put it there, we’d probably be married. We’d probably have kids.

GRACE

But you didn’t and we’re not and we don’t. Scott Morton was my first.

LARRY

Scott Morton? That weenie?

GRACE

You didn’t respond to my note. He was available. We did it in his parent’s station wagon after the science fair. His Styrofoam model of an atom kept poking me in the ass. It was all very romantic. But, what’s done is done.

LARRY

It’s not fair. I didn’t know how you felt. Had I known-

GRACE

Did you feel the same way about me?

LARRY

Yes. Absolutely. I thought about you all the time. I was just too shy to do anything about it. A note like this would have given me the confidence I needed to ask out a girl as pretty as you.

GRACE

You thought I was pretty.

LARRY

Everyone did.

GRACE

Everyone?

LARRY

But you never said a word to me. I didn’t think you were interested.

GRACE

I was too shy. Whenever I was around you, my mouth and brain clamped shut. That’s why I poured my heart out in a note. And then it broke when I didn’t hear back from you. I feel a little better knowing it was just a mistake.

LARRY

A stupid, miserable mistake. What are we going to do?

GRACE

Do? There’s nothing to do.

LARRY

Are you happy, now, with -?

GRACE

Ted.

LARRY

Ted.

GRACE

Sure. I guess. I’m not unhappy. And you?

LARRY

Same. Very not unhappy. (Pause) What would we have done?

GRACE

What?

LARRY

If I did find your note and called you. What would you have wanted to do?

GRACE

Oh, I had it all planned out. We’d go to the roller rink. Then go to Dodge’s Beach. Build a fire. Go skinny-dipping in the lake. Sleep under the stars. Wake up to the sunrise together.

LARRY

Sounds nice.

GRACE

Yeah.

LARRY

The roller rink closed.

GRACE

So did Dodge’s Beach.

(Beat)

LARRY

The sun’s still in business.

GRACE

So’s the lake.

LARRY

Something to think about.

GRACE

Yep. Something to think about.

(Grace kisses Larry on the cheek and exits. Larry takes the note and crumples it up. He puts it in his pocket. Lights fade.)

Week 13, Day 85 - "War Is Hard Work"

“War Is Hard Work”
Written by Joe Janes
4/13/09
85 of 365

CAST:
Donny James, 30s
Director, 50s
Assistant, 20s

(Lights up on crooner Donny James in a spotlight finishing the end of his hit swinging song, “Lips Like Champagne.”)

DONNY (singing)

When you open your mouth,
Baby, I don’t complain,
You’re popping the cork on
Your lips of champay-nuh!

(The lights go to full work lights. A director comes out as an assistant hands Donny a towel and a martini.)

DIRECTOR

Good job. Donny. Take five, everybody! Take five!

(The director and assistant exit as Donny sits in a canvas director’s chair.)

DONNY

Hello, America. Donny “Sing for my Supper” James, here. You know, singing’s hard work. But even harder work is slapping on a uniform and fighting terrorists for our freedom far from home. But you can help. You might be thinking, “But, Donny, I’m not a soldier. I’m just a regular Jane or Joe. What can I do to help? Buy War Bonds?” Nope. “Ration food and gasoline?” Gosh, no. “Stop buying stuff made in foreign countries that support the enemy?” Don’t do that, either. We owe those people lots of money and we don’t want to ruffle any feathers. The best thing you can do, Joe or Janes Red-White-And-Blue, is nothing at all. Pay your taxes, watch television, avoid the real news and, for god’s sake, keep your mouth shut. Swallow those feelings of injustice and morality and keep them down with a big plug of patriotism. If we end the war, it will put millions of people out of work and panhandling on Main Streets here in the good ol’ U.S.A. We’re Americans, victory is our business, but not just yet.

ASSISTANT (entering)

You’re needed back on the set Mr. James.

DONNY (handing her his towel and martini)

Work is hard. (Gets out of chair) But being a godless, penniless communist is harder.

(Blackout as he puts a finger over his lips, winks and exits.)

Week 12, Day 84 - “The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”

“The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”
Written by Joe Janes
4/12/09
84 of 365

CAST:
Customer
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter picking up the check from the table of a customer. The waiter notices a small business-like card with the money.)

WAITER

What’s this?

CUSTOMER

That explains why I am not tipping you.

WAITER

Did you have a problem with the service?

CUSTOMER

I am not tipping you, as the card explains, because I do not believe in tipping. I believe in paying the price on the menu for my food. If the restaurant wants you to get part of it, they should charge me more and give you a higher wage.

WAITER

Tipping is the way the restaurant keeps cost down and I make a living.

CUSTOMER

I do not believe in it.

WAITER

Yeah, well, I don’t believe in assholes, but guess what?

(Blackout)

Week 12, Day 83 - "An Affair to Whatever"

(This is Saturday's sketch)

"An Affair to Whatever"
Written by Joe Janes
4/11/09
83 of 365

CAST:
Mark, 40s
Daphne, 40s

(Lights up on Daphne already in bed, reading a book. Mark is taking off his watch and setting it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. He climbs in to bed.)

MARK

So, does your husband think you're working an extra shift at the hospital?

DAPHNE

Yeah.

MARK

My wife think's I'm in Houston on business.

(They look at each other.)

MARK (continuing)

Well, goodnight.

DAPHNE

Goodnight.

(They both turn off the lights near their sides of the bed. A moment later, Daphne's light turns back on.)

DAPHNE

I think the passion's gone out of our affair.

MARK

Can we talk about this in the morning?

DAPHNE

Yeah. Okay.

(She turns off the light.)

Week 12, Day 82 - “Pitch Bleak”

“Pitch Bleak”
Written by Joe Janes
4/10/09
82 of 365

CAST
Martin, 50s
Phill, 20s
Agnes, 20s
DD, late 40s


(Lights up on Martin and two writers, Phill and Agnes, in a small coffee shop in LA. The writers look nervous. Martin is sipping espresso.)

MARTIN

We’re looking for a new project for DD. Whatever you do, don’t use the word “comeback.” He’ll walk out on you. I’ve seen him do it. But just between you, me and the espresso machine, this is a last ditch effort to get him back in the limelight. Otherwise, he’ll have to wait until he’s in his 70’s and hope for a Shatner-style revival. Are we on the same page, here?

PHILL

Totally.

AGNES

We understand. We’re grateful for the opportunity, Martin.

MARTIN

Here he comes.

(DD enters. He is in his late 40s. Wears sunglasses and a ball cap. He takes off the cap and glasses and looks around. He sighs when no one recognizes him.)

MARTIN

DD! Good to see you! (He hugs DD) Did you get those Cuban cigars I sent you?

DD

No, I don’t think so.

MARTIN

Hmm. I’ll cut the balls off my assistant and send another box over wrapped in the flesh of his scrotum.

DD

As long as it doesn’t affect the taste.

(Martin over laughs at this.)

MARTIN

Oh my God, DD. You bring tears to my eyes. If another comedy comes our way, we have to grab it. We have to.

DD

Fine with me. No babies, no dogs. Unless I get to kill them.

MARTIN (laughing)

Stop it. Stop it. You’re killing me. Have a seat, have a seat. Let me introduce you to two of the hottest young writers in Hollywood. Phill Magnuson and Agnes Hill.

DD

Have I seen anything you might have done?

MARTIN

Sure, you have. Sure, you have. You’ve seen that TV show about the doctors and the cops, “St. Justice” – the one in the prison hospital?

DD

You guys write for “St. Justice”? I love that show.

PHILL

We do the webisodes.

DD

Oh.

AGNES

They’re very good.

MARTIN

Watch ‘em on my cell phone all the time. You should, too.

(Awkward pause)

PHILL

I’m a big fan of your work, Mr. Johnson.

DD

Call me, DD.

PHILL

DD.

AGNES

Loved “Beverly Hills Equestrian.”

DD

Thanks. You know, they let me write my own dialogue for that.

PHILL

Really? You came up with, “Buck off, asshole”?

DD

I ad-libbed the “asshole” part.

AGNES

Nice touch.

DD

Are they going to suck my dick all day or we going to do this thing?

MARTIN

Good call, DD. Let’s do this thing. Phill and Agnes have been working on a few ideas. Phill… let’s hear the cop one first.

PHILL

Um, okay. Okay. DD, you play a drunk who gets pulled over by the cops. One cop is a Jew; the other is a black guy. One of them might be a woman, as well, or gay, or both. Belligerent drunken racial slurs fly aplenty – great opportunity for your adlib skills, right?

AGNES

It all gets caught on the cop’s dashboard camera and leaked to the press. We’re talking big impact here.

PHILL

Maximum exposure. News outlets, viral, a defiant, yet pathetic mug shot.

AGNES

Anger management, public apologies. Could draw the exposure out for months. At least a year. Maybe two.

PHILL

Then a producer takes a chance on you. Boom - Blockbuster movie. Oscar.

AGNES

Happy ending.

DD

I don’t know.

MARTIN

Let’s keep it open as a possibility. It is a big time commitment.

DD

I was hoping for something more altruistic. Maybe help out some animals or AIDS patients.

MARTIN

DD, we could go that way, but that’s so 90s. Save it for the nostalgia crowd. We need to start thinking quick and dirty and now. What’s going to give us the biggest bang for our buck, right?

DD

I guess.

MARTIN

What else you got?

AGNES

Well, honestly, it would be easier if you were a woman with a substance abuse problem and a little slutty. Well, a lot slutty. If benders and racial slurs aren’t your style, we might want to look at “the awkward interview.”

DD

Awkward interviews?

PHILL

You know, get you on Letterman or Leno. Have you be unresponsive. You‘ll be all over the Internet the next day. Heck, the next hour. Real water cooler stuff.

DD

Hard to be unresponsive. I like those guys.

AGNES

It’s easy. You leave your shades on. Don’t shave. You chew gum or do dipping tobacco. Swear a few times. Mumble. Tell him your changing careers.

PHILL

Like, becoming a rapper.

DD

I don’t rap.

PHILL

Even better.

AGNES

Pick a fight with someone in the audience.

PHILL

The idea is to create tension. Painful, can’t-look-away tension.

DD

Can’t I just do another movie? One of those independent, work-for-scale things?

MARTIN

The problem, DD, is that before those offers can come rolling in, we have to get you on people’s radars, again. “Beverly Hills Equestrian 4 – Ride Hard” tanked. We need to think “You.” Front and center. In the spotlight. See what I’m saying?

DD

I just want to make movies.

MARTIN

These are movies, DD. And you’re the star. Not your usual movies. Not on the big screen. You have to expand your definition of what a movie is these days. You are the movie. With today’s technology, it’s not enough just to shoot films and show up at premieres. The public doesn’t care about that stuff anymore. You have to get their attention. Get under their skin. Give them something to talk about.

DD

I came to Hollywood to be the next Harrison Ford. And I was, for a little while. People complain about autograph hunters and paparazzi. But it’s worse when they’re not there at all. I want people seeking me out because they like me, admire me. See me on the big screen and see me as a role model. Not because I made a humiliating public display of myself. Never thought I’d say this. Maybe I’ll just go back to working on my dad’s farm.

(Pause)

PHILL

That’s brilliant.

AGNES

Oh, my God. What a story.

PHILL

Big Hollywood star leaves the glitter to go back to his roots.

AGNES

Leaves the big time to become a farmer.

MARTIN

From tits to teats. I smell reality TV here.

PHILL

We get you on a talk show wearing overalls.

AGNES

Wearing a straw hat.

DD

Not really that kind of farm. Soybeans and corn. I’ll probably mostly do paperwork.

MARTIN

Doesn’t matter. Let us handle the story. I can get you on Fallon tomorrow. Pack your bags.

PHILL

That really is a brilliant idea, DD.

AGNES

This is why you’re the star.

DD

You guys really think we can make this into something? Get my film career cooking, again?

MARTIN (nodding and holding cell phone)

I have the head of Fox reality programming on my speed dial. This thumb is about to make you millions of dollars. Tell your wife and kids they’re moving to small town America and living on a farm.

DD

It’s actually only about an hour from here.

MARTIN

We don’t need to tell people that.

(Blackout.)

Week 12, Day 81 - “Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”

“Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”
Written by Joe Janes
4/9/09
81 of 365

CAST
Bub, 50s
Naomi, 12
Easter Bunny

(Lights up on Bub Winkerman, portly hunter, dressed in typical outdoor hunting gear. With him is Naomi, a little girl in a Sunday dress. They are in a typical backyard.)

BUB

Hey, everybody. Bub Winkerman, here. Boy, do we have an exciting show for you. It’s April. It’s that time of year where for one morning only; we get to go Easter egg hunting. With me here is my good friend and expert Easter egg hunter, Naomi. Naomi, tell me what you have there. What are the tools of the trade we’ll need to hunt Easter eggs?

NAOMI

Well, Bub, I have here a small basket. When I find an egg, I put it in here.

BUB

Got anything else in that basket we should know about?

NAOMI

Well, it could be a long morning. I brought a juice box and some jerky. I also have a large knife. Comes in handy should I find an egg and decide to eat it right away. And some wet naps.

BUB

That’s a pretty big knife for just cracking open some eggs.

NAOMI

Well, it’s also for protection. I didn’t want to scare you.

BUB

Protection from what?

NAOMI

The eggs just don’t magically appear where we find them. They are put there by a large, vicious six-foot tall rabbit. The rabbit may try to protect its eggs.

BUB

Maybe I should get my rifle.

NAOMI

Not a bad idea to have one on hand, but we probably won’t need it. The creature is nocturnal and hides its eggs in the cover of night. It should be long gone, by now.

BUB

That’s a relief. Where do we go looking for the eggs?

NAOMI

Right here, in my backyard.

(They both walk into the audience.)

NAOMI

The thing to remember is that the Easter bunny, as he is sometimes called, doesn’t leave them out in the open. You have to look under things.

BUB

Inside things, too.

NAOMI

That’s right.

(They make their way through the audience looking under seats, tables, people, etc.)

BUB

Hey, I found one.

(Bub holds an Easter egg up, but it’s one of those tiny chocolate ones in foil.)

NAOMI

That’s too small, Bub. You’ll have to put it back.

BUB

Will do. We must abide by state egg hunting laws.

NAOMI (holding one up)

Here’s one. The adult eggs are around this size. This is a good one. As you can see, it has a colorful shell. Each one is unique.

(There is a stirring in the back of the theater. The Easter bunny pops up growling.)

BUB

Oh, no! It’s the Easter Bunny, Naomi. My rifle’s in my truck. What should I do?

NAOMI (tosses the egg to Bub)

Keep him distracted, Bub.

BUB

Hey! Hey! Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Got one of your eggs. Can’t wait till I peel off its shell and put it in my tummy. Might even take the shell and put it over my mantle. Or make shoes out of it.

(As he speaks, the bunny tries to get closer to Bub and Bub slowly backs up towards the stage. Naomi is sneaking up behind the bunny. She catches up to him and snaps his neck with her bare hands. )

NAOMI

Grab him, Bub! Help me drag him onto the patio!

(Bub does. Naomi takes out her knife.)

BUB

Are we going to skin him and eat him?

NAOMI

Easter bunnies aren’t like regular bunnies, Bub. They taste awful. Like plastic grass and Necco wafers. The good stuff is in the belly.

(Naomi splits open his belly and Easter eggs come pouring out.)

BUB

Looks like we hit the jackpot, Naomi. Good job!

NAOMI

Thanks, Bub. Now, we’ll skin him and make a nice rug for my playroom.

(Naomi begins to skin the Easter Bunny.)

BUB (eating an Easter egg)

This has been Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman. See you next week when we will be stalking candy-filled paper donkeys and clubbing them to death for Cinco de Mayo. Good day and good hunting!

(Blackout.)