Week 24, Day 165 - "The Death of Me"

“The Death of Me”
Written by Joe Janes
7/2/09
165 of 365

CAST
Larry Worthington, late 70s
Vanessa Bomblatt, 30s
Security Guard, 30s

(Lights up on Larry sitting in a chair. He is an older man. He is dressed in a loose fitting suit. He holds a beat up brief case on his lap. Vanessa sits at a nearby desk looking over papers. Off to the side near a door is a bank security guard. She occasionally glances at him, he notices and raises his eyebrows. She goes back to looking at the papers.)

VANESSA

Mr. Worthington?

LARRY

Yes?

VANESSA

How can I say this?

LARRY

I can help you there, Miss Bomblatt. You can just say “yes.” Hand me a check and I’ll be on my way.

VANESSA

I wish it were that simple.

LARRY

I have never asked for a loan my entire life.

VANESSA

Actually, you have, you just have never been granted one.

LARRY

That’s what I meant. You could be my first.

VANESSA

Mr. Worthington-

LARRY

Call me, Larry. Everybody calls me Larry. You say Mr. Worthington and I think you’re talking to my dad. And he’s dead.

VANESSA

Larry, banks tend to give people loans when they’re reasonably certain the person will be able to pay them back. You have nothing to secure the loan.

LARRY

I have my word. And we could shake on it.

VANESSA

Fine with me, but I’m afraid the bank would want something more. Don’t you have any collateral you could put against ten thousand dollars?

LARRY

I have the money in my checking account.

VANESSA (reading another paper)

Which is currently negative three dollars and forty-eight cents.

LARRY

Oh. The government must have deposited my monthly check.

VANESSA

You rent your room. You have no furniture or automobile. Don’t you own anything of value?

LARRY

I have books. Hardcover books. Real nice. Quite a collection. (He opens his briefcase and takes out a book.) Like this one.

VANESSA

I see. (Looks it over). This is a library book.

LARRY

Told you they were nice.

VANESSA

And they belong to the library.

LARRY

Technically, maybe. But I’ve had them a long time. There’s got to be a point where I’ve had them so long they’re mine. Some statue of limitations.

VANESSA

I wouldn’t know. Isn’t there some friend or relative-?

LARRY

Please, Miss Bomblatt. Vanessa. May I call you Vanessa?

VANESSA

Sure.

LARRY

I really need this money, Vanessa. As you can see, I’ve been around quite awhile. Longer than most of my friends and family. There’s no one for me to turn to.

VANESSA

Run it by me in more detail. You need the money to build a marker.

LARRY

To build a monument.

VANESSA

A monument. Commemorating what?

LARRY

Lawrence Worthington.

VANESSA

You.

LARRY

That is correct.

VANESSA

Most people who have had monuments built honoring themselves, Larry, didn’t build it themselves. Other people did. To honor them for their contributions to society.

LARRY

There must be some people who did.

VANESSA

Perhaps, but I’ll wager they were stinking rich enough to pay for it out of their own pocket.

LARRY

Well, like you said, I don’t own anything of value. I couldn’t afford a monument made out of Cheetohs.

VANESSA

You don’t have anything of material value. You seem like a decent man. You have a nice smile.

LARRY

And that will be gone when I die. (She looks at him concerned.) Whenever that is.

VANESSA

I’m sorry, Larry. I just can’t help you. Hey, what about a gravestone? When you pass on, let your gravestone be your monument.

LARRY (Standing)

Who the hell visits graveyards? I sure don’t. And I don’t know anyone who’d be swinging by my pile of dirt. I never married. I don’t have any kids. I just wanted a little monument. A simple statue of me to put in a park somewhere. Something to tell people I was here. That in all the history of time, I was here, on this spot, for a little while. And you know what I’d have written on the base of that statue?

VANESSA

What?

LARRY (waving)

Hi. Just something to say, “Hi, I was here.” And “hey, you’re here now. And you’re taking a moment to read this and know that I was once alive. Like you. Aren’t we something?” (Waves) Hi.

VANESSA (touched, but…)

I’m sorry, Larry.

LARRY

I tried.

(He gathers his things and heads towards the door. The security guard opens it for him. He exits. Lights shift and we hear the screeching of tires. Larry drops his briefcase and holds up one hand. The security guard steps forward and addresses the audience.)

SECURITY GUARD

Larry stepped out into the street not noticing the quickly setting asphalt he stepped in or the cement truck heading his way careening out of control. He got the monument he wanted. And every morning as Vanessa Bomblatt comes in to work, she stops by and she says, “Hi.” (He starts to walk away and then comes back) Five years from now, this bank branch will close due to financial turmoil caused by Vanessa’s excessive embezzling siphoning off retirement funds. She’s sent to prison where she is shived while working in the prison library. This building is bought by a real estate developer who bulldozes the whole block and flattens everything, even Larry. Larry’s still waving, up through a sewage grate into an abandoned half-finished hip-eco-overpriced-condo project. (He walks away and comes back). Oh, I quit my job as a security guard to devote my life to my passion, playing the jazz lute. I tour the world and am the highest paid jazz lute player ever. I make as much as I made working here. See? Happy ending. Until I died in a plane crash over a swamp. (He shrugs. Blackout.)

Week 24, Day 164 - "Kidz Newz"

“Kidz Newz”
Written by Joe Janes
7/1/09
164 of 365

CAST
Rod, 40s
Carol, 40s
Craig, 12
Tiffany 12

(Lights up on Rod and Carol, two middle-aged news anchors at their anchor desk.)

ROD

…And that’s what it looks and sounds like when a cat plays the piano, Carol.

(He and Carol laugh.)

CAROL

Well, Rod, I guess that’s what they call a kitty cantata.

(They laugh.)

ROD

Next on the four o’clock news, a new segment for the after school crowd we call Kidz Newz…

CAROL

Spelled with two “z”s instead of “s”s, because it’s more fun.

ROD

And so our graphic department doesn’t have to worry about where to put an apostrophe.

(They laugh.)

CAROL

Take it away, Newz Kidz anchors, Craig Spindler and Tiffany Hutchins.

(Lights go down on Rod and Carol, but not before Rod can ask…)

ROD

What the hell’s a cantata?

CAROL

Mexican food, I think.

ROD

That doesn’t make sense.

(Lights come up on another part of the stage where Craig and Tiffany sit at an anchor desk.)

CRAIG

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

… And I’m Tiffany Hutchins and this is Kidz Newz… News for kids! Three elementary school students were shot down in cold blood as they stood waiting for their school bus. Witnesses report seeing a mom pull up in a mini-van and then shots were heard being fired from the back seat. Police believe this is another crime committed by new gang members too young to have a driver’s license.

CRAIG

Swine flu, pandemic killer of children and the elderly. Nature’s wrath or a government conspiracy to thin the herd? I go under cover at the World Health Organization. You can see what I find, right here, on this station, tomorrow.

TIFFANY

Coloxil, the prescription acne medication, has been linked to suicide in young teenagers. The company denies any wrong doing, as these young teenagers probably would have killed themselves any way because of their debilitating pizza faces. At least they can rest in peace knowing they’ll have clear, smooth skin at their open casket funerals.

CRAIG

Autism, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy… Medical reports indicate these conditions are on the rise, or are the children of today just faking it? (He stares off silently, drools a little, if he can.)

TIFFANY

Craig? Craig, are you okay?

CRAIG

I am okay, Tiffany, because I was faking it. And I’ll show you how not to be fooled by that wobbly kid in the wheelchair in my expose “Autism – Oh, Yeah?” tomorrow.

TIFFANY

And in sports, your mother doesn’t want you to play so rough and your father doesn’t care if you break your neck, but he is not going to drive you to the hospital.

CRAIG

And, finally, Fruit Roll-Ups… Are your parents just trying to shut you up or are they really trying to kill you? I’ll unravel the truth behind pressed fruit in a special investigative report tomorrow. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

And I’m Tiffany Hutchins.

CRAIG AND TIFFANY

And this has been Kidz Newz! News for kids!

(Lights out on them and back up on Rod and Carol who looked stunned. Very stunned.)

ROD

…Um… I think we have time for more of the kitty cat playing piano.

CAROL

Thank God.

(We hear awkward piano music as Rod and Carol smile and lights fade.)

Week 24, Day 163 - "Gronk Goes Bonk"

“Gronk Goes Bonk”
Written by Joe Janes
6/30/09
163 of 365

CAST
Fred “Gronk” Stephens, 50s
Carmichael, 30s
Natalie, 30s
Dawn, 30s
Sheila “Oola” Stephens, 40s
Bob Wilson, 50s (offstage)
Jingle singers (offstage)


(Lights up on Fred “Gronk” Stephens sitting at the bar of the Here We Are Lounge. He’s dressed in casual business clothes with his shirt unbuttoned one too many buttons. He is also holding his Gronk club from the commercials. Carmichael is behind the bar. Seated not too far off are Natalie and Dawn, two female flight attendants having a drink. Fred is keeping an eye on a television mounted somewhere above where the audience would be.)

FRED (to Carmichael)

It’s on, it’s on. Turn it up.

(Carmichael rubs his fingers together. Fred sighs and slips him a bill. Carmichael grabs the remote and turns up the volume. We hear…)

OOLA (off)

Our new carpet from The Carpet Cave makes my feet happy. What do you think, Gronk?

GRONK (off)

Gronk says…that’sa nice!

(The two flight attendants look at the TV strangely since the volume wasn’t up at all before.)

JINGLE (off)

If your carpet makes you feel like a slave/Time to go spelunking at The Carpet Cave.

BOB WILSON (off)

Stop by this weekend for our “Used To Be White” Sale! It’s rug-tacular!

(Fred waves for Carmichael to turn it down. He does. Fred waves him on to continue with their shtick. Carmichael rubs his fingers, again. Fred slips him another ten.)

CARMICHAEL

That is my favorite commercial of all time. Did you see that ladies? Wasn’t that hysterical? With Gronk? Cracks me up every time I see it.

(They smile politely at him and resume their conversation. Fred waves Carmichael on, again.)

CARMICHAEL (continuing)

Oh, my God! It’s you! I can’t believe it! I’ve got a celebrity, here. You are the man! I can’t believe you’re in my bar. Check it out, everybody! (The flight attendants are the only two there.) It’s him! It’s him!

NATALIE

That’s nice.

CARMICHAEL

Don’t you recognize him?

FRED

Please, bartender, you’re embarrassing me.

DAWN

I’m sorry, I don’t. Should we know you?

CARMICHAEL

It’s Gronk. The caveman from the carpet commercials. This guy’s a star. Hey, let me buy you a drink, Gronk.

FRED

Please, call me Fred.

CARMICHAEL

What’ll it be, Fred?

FRED

Uh, ladies, what are you having?

NATALIE

We’re drinking cosmopolitans.

FRED

Three cosmopolitans, bartender.

CARMICHAEL (pissed it went from one drink to three)

Sure. Coming right up.

(Carmichael gets to making the drinks. Fred, his cash still in hand, walks over to Dawn and Natalie.)

FRED

So, what brings you ladies out to the Here We Are Lounge on a Tuesday night?

DAWN

Just having a stay over in the Red Roof Inn courtesy of Northwest Airlines. We head back to Cincinnati tomorrow.

FRED

Sounds exciting. Out to do a little partying while in Nebraska.

NATALIE

Well, you know, when in Rome.

(Carmichael comes over with three cosmos. He sets them down on the table.)

CARMICHAEL

Three cosmopolitans on the house.

DAWN

Thank you very much.

NATALIE

Very nice of you.

FRED

Hey, let’s have a toast.

(Carmichael stands by waiting. The ladies notice and then Fred does, too.)

FRED (continuing)

Oh, of course. Here you are, bartender. A little something something.

(Fred peels a bill off his cash. Carmichael tries to take the remaining larger wad of money, but Fred does not let go. After a quick tug of war, Fred wins, and hands Carmichael the two bills.)

CARMICHAEL

You let me know if you need anything else, Fred.

(Carmichael walks away.)

FRED

Hey, kid.

CARMICHAEL

Yes.

FRED

Hang on to this for me.

(Fred tosses Carmichael his club. Carmichael heads to behind the bar.)

CARMICHAEL

Gee, thanks!

FRED

Where were we?

DAWN

Why do you just happen to have your caveman club with you at a bar, Fred?

FRED

What? Oh. That. I just came from St Jude’s down the street. Visiting some sick, burned, horribly disfigured children. They love the Gronk. I do a lot of charity work.

NATALIE

That’s so sweet of you.

FRED

Yes, it is. So, any way, a toast!

(They raise their glasses.)

FRED (continuing)

To two of the most lovely Florence Nightingales of the clouds.

(They clink glasses and sip. Fred grabs a chair and pulls up near them.)

DAWN

Why don’t you join us?

FRED

Thank you-

DAWN

Dawn.

NATALIE

Natalie.

FRED

I am charmed.

NATALIE

You must be a real big deal around here.

FRED

Oh, you know, some people get excited when they meet a television personality, but I’m really just an ordinary man with ordinary needs.

NATALIE

That’s so cool. You’re on TV and everyone knows who you are.

DAWN

The bartender almost had a coronary.

FRED

I run into fans all the time. Gronk! Gronk! Say it, say it!

NATALIE

Say what?

FRED

Oh, you know, that tag in the commercial. It’s like my catchphrase. “Gronk says bonk!” Silly really. You never know what’s going to strike the fancy of the public. People seem to love me.

DAWN

How long have you been Gronking it?

FRED

Oh, years. Years. I own The Carpet Cave. I do all my commercials. Write them, star in them, direct them. The jingle’s new, wrote that, too. Catchy, hunh?

NATALIE

Wow. You’re like somebody famous whose name I can’t think of.

FRED

Woody Allen?

NATALIE

I don’t know who that is.

DAWN

Who was the woman in the commercial?

FRED

Just a local actress.

DAWN

She looked really pissed at the end when you hit her that last time.

FRED

Just acting. I actually ad-libbed that part. Felt right for the character.

DAWN

Is she your wife?

FRED

What? No, no. Never. I’m not married. She’s just a local actress and not a very good one. Doesn’t know how to “roll with it,” you know. That was her last commercial with me. Ever.

NATALIE

She quit?

FRED

Quit? No, no. I don’t know what you heard from the internet gossipers, but I fired her. Gave her a shot and she blew it. It’s a shame you two ladies aren’t in town longer. I’m shooting another spot – we call them spots in the biz – tomorrow and could always use another cave lady or two. And tomorrow night, I’m doing my one man “Odd Couple” at the local theater guild. It will probably sell out, but I could get you some VIP seats.

NATALIE

Oh, poo. Our flight back is at nine am.

FRED

Are you working or just flying back?

NATALIE

Just flying back.

FRED

Maybe you can get a later flight.

DAWN

I think the one after that is at 2pm, but then there’s not another until the day after tomorrow.

(Sheila “Oola” Stephens enters, sees Fred and heads over to the bar.)

FRED

Well, I’ll tell you what. I can move our shoot – we call it a shoot in the biz – to earlier in the morning. We could rehearse tonight so you’re all ready to go for the cameras. You’re at the Red Roof Inn, you say?

(Shelia makes the same waving gesture to Carmichael that Fred did with out looking at him. Carmichael hands her the club.)

NATALIE

I’ve always wanted to be a movie star.

FRED

This is so much like that, let me tell you-

(Sheila smacks Fred hard over the head with the club.)

SHEILA

Time to come back to the cave, Gronk.

FRED (getting up)

Sheila, honey, I was just talking to some fans.

SHEILA

Right. Lose your wedding ring signing autographs?

FRED

Uh, hey, whaddya know-

(Sheila grabs his hair or ear and starts to drag him out.)

SHEILA

Let’s go, Gronk.

FRED

But, I might have lost my ring here.

SHEILA

The light’s better at home. We can have the kids help us look for it.

(They exit.)

NATALIE

I wanted to be a movie star.

DAWN

Sorry your dream got crushed.

CARMICHAEL

Ladies, I have a video camera back in the storage room. I could make you an internet star over night.

DAWN

Unless your club’s as big as Gronk’s, not interested.

(Natalie and Dawn clink glasses. Lights.)

Week 24, Day 162 - "The Carpet Cave"

“The Carpet Cave”
Written by Joe Janes
6/29/09
162 of 365

CAST
Gronk, The Carpet Caveman, 50s
Oola, The Carpet Cavewoman, 50s
Bob Wilson, the Announcer, 50s

(Lights up on Gronk and Oola in their cave. These are in no way authentic looking cave dwellers. Their costumes are Rubble-esque and their wigs are quite fake. Gronk has a large plastic club that’s supposed to look wooden. Gronk is pretty much just standing there as Oola is alternating standing on one foot and making a sour face.)

OOLA

Gronk! My feet are cold!

GRONK

Gronk goes bonk!

(Gronk hits Oola over the head with his club with a cartoony bonk sound effect.)

OOLA

Our cave would be so much nicer if we had cavewall-to-cavewall carpeting.

GRONK

Gronk goes bonk!

(Gronk hits Oola over the head with his club with a cartoony bonk sound effect.)

OOLA

I’m calling The Carpet Cave people, today!

(Oola picks up a big bone phone. Gronk holds off hitting her because he thinks this is a good idea and nods. The announcer steps out holding as many carpet samples as possible.)

BOB WILSON

Make your dank, cold cave into a warm, happy cave with a new carpet from The Carpet Cave. Throw rugs, floor mats, shags, weaves, waterproof, weatherproof, spill proof, whatever proof you need. Call today!

(Bob Wilson steps back offstage. We focus on Oola and Gronk enjoying their new carpet.)

OOLA

Our new carpet from The Carpet Cave makes my feet happy. What do you think, Gronk?

GRONK (raises his club)

Gronk says…(puts club down) that’sa nice!

(He hits her anyway. There is no cartoony sound effect. The announcer begins to speak and she looks pissed. He looks increasingly more uncomfortable.)

BOB WILSON (VO)

Check out the latest in new and used carpeting at The Carpet Cave. Visit us at our newest location in the Kankakee Strip Mall on Kankakee Way, formerly the home of Sushi Explosion, in between The Burrito Bombardier and The Eggroll IED.

(Blackout.)

Week 23, Day 161 - “THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL”

THE SEMI-HARD TRUTH ABOUT VIAGRA: AN AFTER WORK SPECIAL
Written by Joe Janes
6/28/09
161 out of 365

CAST:
Gerald, 40’s
Bob, 50’s
Dr. Grebnak, 40’s
Hef, 80’s
Tina, 40’s
DEEJAY, 20s
Old Widow Kravitz, 60s
Mr. Kravitz, 60s
Mitzi, schnauzer

(Lights up on Gerald sitting at his desk in his office. He is looking through file folders and checking his watch. Bob pokes his head in the door.)

BOB

Hey, Stud. Working late?

GERALD

Um, yeah. Bob. I am. How about you?

BOB

Nope. On my way home to bang my wife.

GERALD

Really?

BOB

Sure. Probably more than once, too. Unless there’s something good on television.

GERALD

But, how?

BOB

Gee, Gerald, isn’t that territory your dad should have covered with you?

GERALD

No, I mean. You’re over 50. I’m over 40 and I’m sitting here trying to find work to do so I don’t have to go home and face the fact that… face the fact…

BOB

That Mr. Stiffy ain’t so stiff anymore?

GERALD

Well…

BOB

The ol’ cock don’t crow like it used to?

GERALD

Something like that-

BOB

That your penis has that not-so-hard feeling?

GERALD

That’s it, exactly. Bob, what’s wrong with me? My wife is attractive.

BOB

Your wife is hot. Hot-hot-hot.

GERALD

Then what is it?

BOB

You’re not 18 anymore, Gerald. That little pig between your legs doesn’t snuff for truffles like it used to. As men age, we tend to have sex less frequently. Sexual frequency averages 3-4 times a week for the typical man in his twenties, declines to once a week or so in his fifties and to 1-2 times a month in his late seventies.

GERALD

One to two times a month. I’d like to get up to that level. My wife would think I was a stud.

BOB

Did you know nearly 10% of males over 50 and 40% of males over 70 have impotence problems. The only thing wrong with you, Gerald, is that you’re older.

GERALD

I’ve seen that happen to other guys. I never thought it would happen to me. But, wait; you’re older than me. Do you really still do it with your wife?

BOB

Like a sewing machine. A very manly sewing machine.

GERALD

How do you do it? What’s your secret?

BOB

I get a little help.

GERALD

You mean, like an intern?

BOB

No, no. I get help from science. I take Viagra.

GERALD

Viagra? I heard Viagra was for losers.

BOB

Do I seem like a loser to you?

GERALD

I guess not.

BOB

Besides, all the cool executives take Viagra.

GERALD

But aren’t there problematic side effects?

BOB

Um, yeah, if you call having an erection for over four hours a problem.

GERALD

Four hours?

BOB

It can happen. But the only thing its harmful to is other people. Almost poked a guy’s eye out at Starbucks once.

GERALD

Gee, do you have any on you?

BOB

Sorry, Pal. Keep them at home. Here’s my doctor’s card. Just swing by. You don’t need an appointment.

GERALD

Really?

BOB

Yeah. He works out of his car.

GERALD

Thanks, Bob. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.

BOB

You won’t have to. I’ll just look for the grin on your face in the morning. Good night, Stud.

(Bob exits as Gerald looks at the business card. Lights fade. Lights up on Dr. Grebnak refusing to give an older man in his 80’s wearing silk pajamas, a robe and thick eye glasses, more Viagra.)

HEF

Please, doctor. Please. It’s not for me; it’s for my five girlfriends.

DR. GREBNAK

Get up, HEf. Stop humping my tires. Have some dignity.

HEF

I can’t help it. Doc. I need more Viagra. It’s the only thing that will straighten me out.

DR. GREBNAK

Dammit, man. I told you to ease up on it. Look at you, now. You’re a drooling idiot.

(Hef starts humping a parking meter.)

HEF

NEED VIAGRA. NEED VIAGRA.

DR. GREBNAK

Just get the hell out of here, Hef. I’m trying to run a business here.

(Gerald enters.)

GERALD

Are you Dr. Grebnak?

(Hef starts humping Gerald’s leg.)

HEF

A woman! A woman! Ugh! Ugh ! Ugh!

GERALD

What the-?

DR. GREBNAK (swatting Hef with a newspaper)

Bad, Hef! Bad! Get off the poor man! Now, go!

(Hef yelps and runs off.)

GERALD

What was his problem?

DR. GREBNAK

Blind as a bat. It’s from the Viagra. He was an abuser.

GERALD

You can abuse Viagra?

DR. GREBNAK

If it’s a drug, it can be abused. He took so much he built up a tolerance to it. His body needed more and more Viagra until it didn’t respond to it anymore. Viagra abusers may develop health conditions; including exhaustion, sleep deprivation, chafed, sore, swollen, and red genitalia; and strained groin muscles. Now, he’s just messed up in the head. He gets the urges, but can’t do anything about it.

GERALD

Why can’t he do anything about it?

DR. GRENBAK

His junk is all beat up. It’s soft. Poor man couldn’t penetrate soup. What can I do for you?

GERALD

I wanted to get some Viagra, but now I’m not so sure.

DR. GREBNAK

Aw, you’ll be all right. Hef just couldn’t handle it. You look like you can handle it. You’re man, enough, aren’t you?

GERALD

Man enough for Viagra? Yeah, sure. But. Maybe I should try something else, like Cialis.

DR. GREBNAK

They both work they same way, except Cialis stays in your system longer. Viagra is for the man who knows he’s going to get some and you look like you know.

GERALD

Yeah, I do. How does Viagra work?

DR. GREBNAK

An erection is produced via a complex chain of events, involving signals from the nervous system and the release of chemical messengers within the tissues of the penis. One of these chemical messengers is called cyclic GMP. This allows more blood to enter the penis, which ultimately results in the penis becoming rigid and erect. (Gerald is yawning.) You still with me?

GERALD

Hunh? Oh, yeah. You just lost me there a little bit.

DR. GREBNAK

Here you go.

(Dr. Grebnak tosses Gerald a small packet.)

GERALD

How much do I owe you?

DR. GREBNAK

Nothing. Free sample. You come back after you fire off that rocket, and then we’ll talk price. Take one now. By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to rock…and roll.

GERALD (takes one)

…Thanks.

(We hear a car crash offstage and a painful yelp from Hef.)

GERALD

What was that?

DR. GEBNAK

I think Hef just tried to hump a Hummer.

(Lights out. Lights up on Gerald’s wife Tina. She is lighting candles in their living room. She turns on a CD of Celine Dion music. Gerald enters.)

GERALD

Hi, Honey. Gosh, it sure is dark in here.

TINA

I know. I turned the lights down.

GERALD

Oh, whew! I thought maybe I was going blind.

TINA

I’m just trying to set the mood. You know, it’s been awhile.

GERALD

Yeah, I know. Hey, look, I know this is crazy, but I was thinking about trying Viagra.

TINA

Viagra? Honey, don’t be silly. We don’t need science to make love. We just need each other.

GERALD

Yeah. I guess you’re right.

TINA

Why, Gerald, are you aroused?

GERALD

Oh, hey, look at that. Must be the Celine Dion.

(Gerald and Tina make wild, passionate monkey love in the dark.)

TINA

Oh, Gerald! You haven’t been this ways since you were eighteen!

GERALD

Yeah! Pretty cool, eh?

TINA

What’s gotten in to you?

GERALD

I love you? …I guess.

(Tina and Gerald fall asleep in each other’s arms…smiling. We hear crickets. Time has passed. Gerald awakes in the middle of the night. HE sees he still has an erection. Gerald immediately goes to see Dr. Grebnak.)

GERALD

Dr. Grebnak, I need more Viagra.

DR. GREBNAK

How much more?

GERALD

How much are they?

DR. GREBNAK

Ten bucks a pop.

GERALD

Give me a hundred.

DR. GREBNAK

Here you go! Remember, pace yourself. You don’t want to end up like Hef. (Dr. Grebnak steps forward and addresses the audience.) Gerald didn’t listen. He began to pop those little blue pills like they were candy from a penis Pez dispenser. He began to hump everything in sight. His neighbor, the Old Widow Kravitz.

(Cut to Gerald humping an old lady.)

OLD WIDOW KAVITZ

Oh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

Mr. Kravitz, the man Mrs. Kravitz pretended was dead.

(Cut to Gerald humping an old man.)

MR. KRAVITZ

Oh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

The Kravitz’ pet schnauzer, Mitzi.

(Cut to Gerald humping a dog.)

MITZI

Roh, my!

DR. GREBNAK

Due to the graphic nature of what happened next, we can’t show you, we can only tell you. Gerald put his penile plank in anything that would take it. Mailboxes, vending machines, VCR slots, bottles of Gatorade, small pumpkins. Gerald passed out in a playground near his home. He awoke to children dancing around his penis like it was a May Pole. The police arrested him for indecent exposure, but not without first complimenting him on his impressive erection. They had to move the camera back to take his mug shot in profile. They released him on bail to the custody of his loving wife.

(Cut to Tina greeting a released Gerald at the police station.)

TINA

Oh, Gerald. How could you?

GERALD

I just wanted to make you happy, Tina.

TINA

You have a problem, Gerald.

GERALD

I know. I know. I don’t know what to do.

TINA

I found some people who can help.

(Tina takes Gerald by the hand and they walk off. Lights fade. Lights come up on an empty room with chairs in it. Seated are Bob and Hef.)

GERALD

Bob? Hef? What are you doing here?

HEF

Well, Gerald. We realized we had a problem.

BOB

We’re Viagraholics.

HEF

Viagra had taken over my life.

BOB

I was taking it all the time. Even when I was alone.

GERALD

But when I took Viagra, I felt like a man.

HEF

There are other ways, Gerald. I’ve discovered that a healthy diet and exercise, like yoga, can work wonders.

BOB

I’ve learned to take my time. Savor the moment of touching my wife. Breathing techniques, help, too. Thanks to my tantra classes. I also watch a lot of internet porn.

(Bob and Hef high five.)

GERALD

That all sounds great.

TINA

I bought some ginkgo biloba, which helps memory and blood flow.

GERALD

That way I’ll remember to have sex! You’re so thoughtful, Honey.

TINA

And I signed us up for classes in erotic massage, Gerald. I think that will help spice things up.

GERALD

That sounds wonderful. So, what do we do at these Viagraholics meetings. Should I get up and talk about my experiences?

HEF

I’d rather you didn’t.

GERALD

Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson here. I learned that-

TINA

Shhh, Gerald. The show’s about to start.

GERALD

Show?

(At that moment, the lights dim and throbbing house music kicks in.)

BOB

Another alternative to get the blood flowing down to the nether regions –

TINA, BOB, HEF

Strippers!!!

DEEJAY

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the exotic stylings of our number one dancer…

ALL

YEAH!!!

DEEJAY

Old Widow Kravitz!

ALL

Ew!!!

(The End. Lights fade.)

Week 23, Day 160 - “The Things I Put In My Mouth”

“The Things I Put In My Mouth”
Written by Joe Janes
6/27/09
160 of 365

CAST
George, late 40s

(Lights up on George, an average middle-aged man wearing an orange construction vest, hard hat and holding a sign on a pole that says “SLOW DOWN.”)

GEORGE

My toothbrush…The occasional pen or pencil…my finger, you know, to get stuff out that shouldn’t be in there, little food bits… These are the things I still put in my mouth. The different types of food I put in there is starting to narrow down. Significantly. No gum, no candy. No more popcorn. That’s what the dentist said after my root canal. No more freakin’ popcorn. I love popcorn. Movie popcorn with lots of salt and butter flavoring…Kettle corn…caramel corn…Used to joke that I ate so much popcorn that my testicles were literally popcorn balls… I thought it was funny… No more apples, which surprised the hell out of me. That “apple a day” stuff is a load of hooey. My dentist said eating an apple is like giving your teeth an acid bath that wears down the enamel. And I like apples. Especially dipped in caramel. Dentist also said to quit drinking coffee. Because of the stains, right? Wrong. Because when I drink too much coffee, I grind my teeth and chew on the back of my tongue. That’s something else I’m not supposed to eat anymore. My tongue. Didn’t even know I was eating it. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Oh, nothing fried, either. My regular doctor says my cholesterol is too high. No fried foods, cut down on the cheese and the ice cream. Bacon. Man, bacon. May as well be a strip of savory, smoky razor blades that I ram in my throat. “When you order bacon, George,” he says, “it’s a cry for help.” Look, I’m pushing 50. Not married, not seeing anybody. Don’t smoke. The only thing I put in my mouth that I get any enjoyment out of is food. Why can’t brussel sprouts be bad for you? Steamed brussel sprouts, look out, that stuff will kill ya’. It will bore you to death. If I order brussel sprouts, that’s me crying for help. When you’re growing up, your parents tell you what to eat and when to eat. Do a stint in the navy and they tell you what to eat and when to eat. I’ve had about fifteen, twenty years of eating what I want, when I want. I’m a grown-up, now, dammit. Cereal for dinner. Love it. Not that good-for-your-heart Cheerios crap. I’m talking Cap’n Crunch (he salutes) with Crunchberries. And a side of bacon. That is my Viagra. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Guess I had a good run. Deep fried Twinkies are a little piece of magic. Deep-fried turkey, tasty and dangerous, but if food’s going to be dangerous I’d rather it be because it might burn me rather than it might get clogged in my colon. If it’s a case of it being some external physical threat, then I say, “Bring it on.” It’s a fair fight. One that I’ll win. I’ve taken down turducken, haggis and Rocky Mountain oysters – bull balls. For lunch, all the guys are ordering from some Kentucky Fried Fuck ’n’ fuck kind of place. I packed my lunch. Have to. I don’t dare order a plate of celery in front of these hose bags. I’d never hear the end of it. I also got some carrot strips. A peach. And a little baggy filled with Bac O’ Bits, which aren’t really bacon at all. Some soy shit with chemicals. Better for you, I guess. It’s like bacon trail mix. I miss bacon. I wish they made some kind of bacon patch, like those nicotine things. I’d put one right here on my arm. (A car goes by and he thrusts the sign at it) Slow the fuck down, asshole!... Sheesh, some people are in a real hurry to die.

(Blackout)

Week 23, Day 159 - “Jen's Mom Nancy"

“Jen’s Mom Nancy”
Written by Joe Janes
6/26/09
159 of 365

CAST
Jen’s Mom Nancy, 40s
Jen, 14
Chrissy, 14

(Lights up on Jen and Chrissy, two teenaged girls in Jen’s bedroom having a sleepover. The girls are in their pj’s in bed. Jen’s mom, Nancy, in a bathrobe, is in the doorway.)

JEN’S MOM NANCY

Okay, girls. Don’t stay up too late chitter-chattering.

JEN

All right, Mom. Good night.

CHRISSY

Good night, Mrs. Matuski.

(Jen’s mom Nancy closes the door and then sticks her head back in just to let the girls know she’s keeping an eye on them. Then she closes the door.)

CHRISSY

We aren’t really going to sleep, are we?

JEN

No way. It’s only ten o’clock.

CHRISSY

Want to play cards? I learned how to play gin rummy. You have to keep score, though.

JEN

I’ve got something better. (From under the covers she pulls out…) A Ouija Board!

CHRISSY

A Ouija Board! Wow! I’ve never seen one.

JEN

I found it in the attic. I think it used to belong to my mom.

CHRISSY

What do we do?

JEN

Well, you see this thing here? We put our fingertips on it and ask the board questions and then it moves around and answers us.

CHRISSY

That’s so crazy. Ask it something. Ask it something.

JEN

Okay. Um. Will Chrissy have a boyfriend before the school year is over?

CHRISSY

Good one.

(They have their fingers on the indicator and it starts moving.)

JEN

It’s moving. Are you moving it?

CHRISSY

No. Are you?

JEN

No!

(Chrissy lets out a little squeal.)

CHRISSY

Yes! It stopped on “yes.” I wonder who it will be.

JEN

I bet it’s John Stefano.

CHRISSY

John Stefano? No way. John Stefano doesn’t like me.

JEN

John Stefano totally likes you. That’s why he’s flunking algebra. If you didn’t sit in front of him he’d probably get an “A” and wouldn’t drool so much on his papers.

CHRISSY

Does John Stefano like me?

(The indicator moves again and lands back on “yes.”)

JEN

Told you! John Stefano has the hots for you. We didn’t even need to ask.

CHRISSY

Let’s ask about you. Will Jen be kissed by a boy, that’s not her brother or father-

JEN

Ew!

CHRISSY

I didn’t mean it that way. Will Jen be kissed romantically by a boy by the end of the school year?

(The indicator moves, again.)

JEN

Where’s it going?

CHRISSY

It’s spelling something out… B-

JEN

Brian? I don’t know a Brian?

CHRISSY

-O-

JEN

Or a Bob.

CHRISSY

-R-E-D.

JEN

Bored?

CHRISSY

What does that mean?

JEN

Ask it, again.

CHRISSY

Will Jen be kissed by a really cute boy this year?

(The indicator moves again.)

CHRISSY

H-O-

JEN

I am not!

CHRISSY

H-U-M. Ho-hum? Don’t you like our questions?

(The indicator moves, again.)

JEN

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z

CHRISSY

Zzzzzzzz? You’re going to get kissed by a bee?

JEN

I think it’s being sarcastic. It doesn’t like our questions.

CHRISSY

Fine. Well, then, Mr. Smart Pants Ouija Board, what do you want to talk about?

(The indicator quickly starts spelling.)

JEN AND CHRISSY

J-E-N-S-M-O-M-N-A-N-C-Y.

JEN

Jen’s mom, Nancy.

CHRISSY

It wants to talk about your mom!

JEN

Why do you want to talk about my mom?

(The indicator moves again, quickly.)

JEN AND CHRISSY

M-I-L-F.

CHRISSY

Milf! The board wants to get it on with your mom.

JEN (to Chrissy)

My mom’s a milf?

(The indicator starts moving.)

CHRISSY

M-E-O-W. This thing’s really got it bad for your mom.

JEN

Should we tell her?

JEN’S MOM NANCY (entering)

Tell me what?

JEN

Mom!

JEN’S MOM NANCY

I heard someone shout “milf.” Now, I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what that word means, but I am concerned that it is being screamed in my house. Oh, hey, a Ouija Board. I used to have one of those.

JEN

It is yours. I found it in the attic.

CHRISSY

It likes you, Mrs. Matuski. It called you a milf.

JEN'S MOM NANCY (shaken)

Oh. Oh, dear. That’s why I put it away all those years ago. All it wanted to do was talk about me. Exciting at first and then it got real creepy. And rude, which it still seems to be. You tell that Ouija Board that it needs to grow up and move on. The things I said when I was 16 certainly don’t apply anymore. People change. Ouija Boards should,too. And if he doesn’t move on, well, tell him it’s not too late to donate him to the Salvation Army. Mommy needs a drink.

(She exits.)

JEN

Sorry Ouija Board.

CHRISSY

Are you okay?

(The indicator moves again.)

JEN AND CHRISSY

S-N-I-F-F. Aw.

(They try to console the board as lights fade.)