Week 10, Day 65 - “Matt Needs Your Help!”

“Matt Needs Your Help!”
Written by Joe Janes
3/24/09
65 out of 365

CAST:
MATT, 30s
KELLY 30s

(Matt walks out onto an empty stage.)

MATT

Hi. My name is Matt. Hope you are enjoying the show. I need to ask for your help on something. It might sound a little odd. But it’s really important to me. My life, the quality of my life, really depends on it. I went to Disneyworld during Christmas of 1996. I went on some rides. I went on the Riverboat Ride in the Magic Kingdom. While I was on this ride, I saw a girl standing on the front of the boat on the main deck. I could not decide whether or not to ask her out. After 20 minutes, I decided not to. I now severely regret it. Severely. The rest of the cast knows how much this has been eating away at me over the years and they graciously allow me to speak to our audiences every show. Please help! I have also posted on my blog, on Craig’s List, all over the Internet. Even did flyers for awhile.

It appeared that the girl was with her parents. Assuming that it was her parents, the mother was in a blue wheelchair scooter. Her dad, if it was her dad, was fine, perfectly mobile. He wore a plain white sun visor. The parents were also on the front of the boat. (Takes a deep breath) I would like to try and locate this girl.

I drew a picture of her. (He takes it out of his back pocket and shows the audience) I added the shooting stars, rainbows and cherubs.

I have the following information on her:

* She was about 24 years of age at the time
* Caucasian, wore sunglasses
* About 5'5 or 5'6
* Hair was mostly black
* She was slim, about 120 pounds or so
* She was on the Riverboat Ride in the Magic Kingdom on December 26, 1996 at about 11am give or take a 1/2-hour
* She was on the front of the boat on the main deck
* She was with a handicapped woman in a wheelchair scooter, probably her mother, and a man in a white sun visor
* She was wearing shorts but they could not be seen because she was also wearing a black garment around her waist that covered said shorts
* She wore thongs on both her feet
* She might have 2 rings on her right hand, I cannot remember

And did I mention how time stood still and I could hear my heartbeat when I saw her? She might just be the love of my life. That once in a lifetime…thing.

I had a golden opportunity to meet this girl but I let it slip away like an idiot. This girl could be anywhere in the country. I have a feeling that she lives in Florida or somewhere in the Southeast. I don't know how this girl would have responded. It is not knowing the real truth that is bothering me.

My romantic life has been in complete limbo since I saw this vision of goddessness. I haven’t been able to commit to anyone because I always wonder…what if? What if I meet her, again? What if I someday I get my second chance?

If you have friends, family or relatives that were in Disney World in Florida on December 26, 1996 with a handicapped woman in a wheelchair scooter and a man in a white sun visor, please check with them on this.

Anyone here affiliated with a television station, radio station or news organization please broadcast or publish my plea. I want to get this out across the country. An Amber alert for my heart.

I am upset at myself for not speaking to this woman when I had the chance. Please tell your friends, and co-workers. If you think you have a lead or you know of someone who can help, please contact me-

KELLY (from audience)

Excuse me…excuse me…

MATT

Yes?

KELLY

I think that was me.

MATT

What? Are you serious? Could we bring the houselights up? (Houselights come up and Matt enters the house) NO, I don’t think so.

KELLY

I was at Disney World on December 26, 1996. I rode the boat ride. It’s the only time I’ve ever been to Disney World.

MATT

No, I don’t think so. This girl was much younger.

KELLY

It was 1996.

MATT

I’m just not seeing it.

KELLY

I even carry a picture of it. It was the last family vacation I ever took with my parents. (She shows Matt the picture)

MATT

How did you get this?

KELLY

It’s mine. That’s me with my mom and dad and Cinderella.

MATT

If that’s true, then where’s the handicapped woman, now?

KELLY

She’s dead.

MATT

This girl’s woman was very much alive.

KELLY

Not really, my mom was terminally ill then. That’s why she was in the scooter. Once more, I remember seeing you. I do. You were afraid of getting wet on the boat ride so you were wearing a yellow plastic Mickey Mouse poncho. And you were wearing a fanny pack over the poncho. And you were alone. You went to Disney World alone?

MATT

Uh, lots of people do. Happiest place on earth don’t care if you brought anyone. Oh my God, it’s you! It really is you! Wow! I never thought I would see you, again.

KELLY

My name’s Kelly.

MATT

I’m Matt.

KELLY

I know.

(Long awkward pause)

KELLY

So, you want to meet up after your show?

MATT

Gee, I would, but I have to work in the morning. (Yawns) You know how it is.

KELLY

Sure.

MATT

Well, hey, it was nice meeting you.

KELLY

Yeah.

MATT

Enjoy the rest of the show.

KELLY

Right. I’m sure I will.

(Matt gets back on stage; signals to the tech booth to bring houselights back down. He nods to himself a few times. And walks off. Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 64 - "A Good Man"

“A Good Man”
Written by Joe Janes
64 out of 365

CAST:
Rev. Van Winkle, 40s
Randy, 70s
Estelle, 60s
Gene, 40s
Garvin T. Jones, 20s
Carmela, 20s
Widow Bonnie Cutcher, 80s

(Lights up on a memorial service. Widow Cutcher sits off to the side being comforted by the friendly and sincere Rev. Van Winkle. The reverend gets up and stands before the coffin of Harper Roscoe Cutcher.)

REV. VAN WINKLE

Thank you, everyone, for coming to this solemn occasion as we prepare to lay to rest one of our Lord’s finest servants, Harper Roscoe Cutcher. Harper passed away last weekend from natural causes at the nursing home surrounded by loved ones. With Mrs. Cutcher’s permission, we’d like to open up the floor to anyone who would like to say a few words on her husband’s behalf.

(Randy comes up from the audience. The reverend returns to Widow Cutcher’s side.)

RANDY

Thank you, Rev. Van Winkle. My deepest condolences, Bonnie. Hi. I’m Randy. Harper’s little brother. Feels strange to say that at my age, but it’s true. Harper was and will always be my big brother. After daddy left to work on the canal and never came back, Harper took it upon himself to make sure I got raised right. He helped me with my homework, rode me hard to keep my grades up, kept on me to get my chores done, and when it came to the ladies, well, he was always there to give me a firm guiding hand. Taught me everything I needed to know about how to hold and kiss a woman. Without his tutelage, I might never have met Laxana from the Ukraine who’ll be arriving here Saturday. I’m
sorry my brother, who would have been my best man, won’t get to meet her in person. But I’m sure he’s peering down on us from behind a cloud somewhere. Harp was the shining example of brotherly love and was never afraid to show his affection toward me. From mussing’ up my hair to long, steady rhythmic hugs from behind. I love you Harp and I will miss you dearly.

(He exits, passing by the widow on his way and giving her condolences. Estelle comes up.)

ESTELLE

Hello. My name is Estelle and I worked for Harper Cutcher at his hardware store, Cutcher’s Hardware, up until his retirement just a few years ago. Mr. Cutcher was always a hardworking man who also kept those around him working even harder. The hardware store was his life. Mr. Cutcher, I guess, is what you would call a workaholic. Aside from my secretarial duties, it was my job to follow him around with a small plastic bag to collect his excrement. And sometimes urine. He never had time to use a proper bathroom. The hardware business is always “go, go, go, go, go!” he used to say. I would then put the waste into Tupperware containers, label them by time and date, and place them in a walk-in cold storage unit. It is my understanding that Mr. Cutcher has willed that storage facility to me. (Tearing up) He was always ever so thoughtful. I look forward to spending time there, just sitting and reminiscing about this one or that one. I’ll miss you Mr. Cutcher.

(She exits, stopping a moment to give her condolences to the widow as Gene enters.)

GENE (looks at coffin, then turns to everyone)

Harper was such a good man. Always willing to help out a friend. I lost my job and didn’t know how I was going to put food on the table, let alone get my kids through school and on to college. When I was down on my luck, Harper said, “Gene, what you need to do is go into business for yourself. Cut out the middleman” He donated the equipment I needed to start my own crystal meth lab. And whenever business was slow, he’d buy some, even though he was more a crack-cocaine kind of guy. Thanks, Harper. Thanks to you, I have a growing business. And my kids are also some of my best clients. I don’t have to worry about paying for
college tuition, because they dropped out of high school. They no longer have any ambition other than to blow someone for money to pay to get stoned. You helped out there, too, Harper. God bless you. You were a good man. (To the widow, tearfully) He was a good man.

(Gene exits, Garvin dressed in a purple suit with matching fedora and a cane walks up.)

GARVIN T. JONES

You all know me. Garvin T. Jones. Harper Roscoe Cutcher was one of my best clients. On a slow day, you could always count on Harper to take care of my bitches. Sometimes taking three or four of them to the motel out on route six. He didn’t need but one or two. The others would end up just posing, getting ice, cheering him on, or sometimes they would restrain him. He knew some of these bitches needed the money for drugs or for eating food and never wanted to see anyone go wantin’. And he appreciated all the hard work I put in, arranging meetings and transportation, counting money, getting’ carpel tunnel from smacking my bitches when they disrespect me. Sometimes he would tip. “And here’s a little something extra for Garvin T. Jones.” Even though he knowed I was already getting a 90% cut. The man had class gushing like a geyser out of that wrinkly old butt. It heartens me to know that some of that class is in cold storage somewheres. Helps give a guy like me a sense of diggity. I brought along with me Carmela. Come on up here, Carmela. (Carmela, the skankiest of ho’s, comes up and starts to hang on Garvin.) To show how much I loved this man, I am going to have Carmela, his favorite ho and youngest daughter; ride in the hearse on the way to the cemetery tomorrow. She gonna give Harper one last thing to remember about his time on this dirt before he goes off to the great wherever.

(Garvin and Carmela approach Widow Cutcher and both make out with her. Rev. Van Winkle comes back up.)

REV. VAN WINKLE

Well, there you have it. Harper Roscoe Cutcher. An inspiration, a leader, a man beloved by oh so many. Punch, cookies and crystal meth will now be served in the other room.

(Lights fade.)

Week Nine, Day 63- “WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”

“WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”
Written by Joe Janes
3/22/09
63 of 365

CAST:
Joe, late teens
Joe C., early 20’s

(Joe is sitting in the small booth of a small town radio station making notes on a clipboard. Some nondescript easy listening instrumental plays in the background. Not quite Muzak, but not far from it. Joe Chapman, a slightly overweight mans, enters with copy for some commercials. He’s wearing a loose wide tie and a shirt that’s coming untucked. Even though he’s wearing a shirt and tie, he looks frumpy.)

JOE C.

I’ve got some new copy for the tags and live spots. Can you hand me the book, Joe?

(Joe hands him the copybook, a three-ring binder above the microphone and looks over Joe C.’s shoulder.)

JOE

“Uhlman’s Department store is now open till 7pm on Fridays.” This is what you do, isn’t it, Joe?

JOE C.

What do you mean?

JOE

Write the copy for all the commercials and stuff.

JOE C.

Yep, that’s what I do.

JOE

Randy said you were only 20. That you guys went to a bar and they wouldn’t serve you.

JOE C.

Randy C. said that?

JOE J.

Randy H.

JOE C.

Oh, yeah. At the Elks Lodge. It happens. Yeah, I’m only 20.

JOE

You look older.

JOE C.

I know. That’s why I try to drink in bars. I usually get away with it. I heard you got busted the other night at Ivan’s?

JOE

Yeah, well…

JOE C.

You shouldn’t order whiskey sours. That’s a dead giveaway.

JOE

I like the fruit. It’s like you get booze and a snack.

JOE C.

Order stuff like martinis or manhattans. Or you know what usually works, a rusty nail. Only old people order rusty nails.

JOE

I’ll keep that in mind. So, is this your first job out of college?

JOE C.

I didn’t go to college. My last job was playing Mr. Beefy outside of Mr. Beefy restaurants. Passing out coupons. Ever heard of them?

JOE

No.

JOE C.

I guess they’re just in Columbus. I used to wear a cow costume and pass out coupons. I was popular.

JOE

I can see that. (Joe cues up a record on the turntable) How did you get from Mr. Beefy to this?

JOE C.

My cousin knows Rob, Jr. and recommended me. Plus, I’m cheap. They pay me crap. I’ll work here a couple of years, get some experience, then try to land a job in a bigger market, like Elmore.

JOE

That’s thinking big. (Joe C. nods) Sounds like a good plan.

JOE C.

Yeah. No way I could work here all my life. Like Mike M.

JOE

It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

What?

JOE

He’s the only Mike that works here. It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

Oh, right. Oh, the East Perry Parts spot, the carburetor sale tag is still good, just change the date on it to next Friday.

JOE

“East Perry Parts, Incorporated…East Perry Parts, Incorporated…” That’s good writing.

JOE C.

Thanks.

(He exits. Joe intros the next song.)

JOE

Good news, Vacationland. We just got Steve and Edie’s greatest hits in and here’s (doesn’t remember which song he cued up)… one of them.

(Steve and Edie’s version of “Hallelujah” plays as Joe sits looking depressed. Lights fade.)

Week Nine, Day 62- "Blogger"

“Blogger”
Written by Joe Janes
3/21/09
62 out 365

CAST:
David, 30s
Kelli, 20s
Merri, 20s
Bradli, 40s

(Lights up on David at his desk at work typing away at his keyboard. He has a bandage on his right thumb. At the desk next to him is Kelli, also at work. Merri enters carrying a few files.)

KELLI

Hey, David. I forgot to ask. How was your weekend?

DAVID (slightly exasperated)

Uh, read my blog, Kelli.

KELLI

O-kay.

MERRI

Here are those files, David. Hey, what happened to your thumb?

DAVID (slightly more exasperated)

Uh, read my blog, Merri. It’s all there. Go to a-giant-among-men-dot-blogspot-dot-com. Sheesh!

(Kelli and Merri exchange puzzled looks. Bradli enters.)

BRADLI

Hey, David. Guess what?

DAVID (very exasperated)

If you read my blog, Bradli, you’d know I don’t like guessing games.

BRADLI

I read your blog. Especially all the parts about how everyone you work with is an intellectually retarded incompetent asshole with turnip mush for brains. Clean out your desk. You’re fired.

DAVID (excited)

You read my blog?

(Blackout)

Week Nine, Day 61- "CoffinMax"

“CoffinMax”
Written by Joe Janes
3/20/09
61 of 365

CAST:
Dracula, immortal
Jill, 20s
Steve, 20s

(Lights up on a man in tuxedo and cape dragging a coffin across the stage. He plops it down in front of Jill, a young woman in khakis and a polo shirt.)

DRACULA

Good evening.

JILL

Welcome to CoffinMax.

DRACULA

How much will you give me for this casket?

JILL

We’ll have one of our experts check it out. (Steve, also in khakis and polo, comes out with a clipboard and begins inspecting the coffin.) Are you interested in getting a new one?

DRACULA

I am. I would like something a little sportier.

JILL

We have something right over here, I think you’ll like. Bronze. Waterproof. Good in all types of weather and all types of soil. Adjustable bed and mattress-

DRACULA

Adjustable? Oh, that’s good. That one was murder on my back.

JILL

Cherry finish, automatic locks, stereo…

DRACULA

Will it play my subliminal audiocassettes? I’m trying to lose weight.

JILL

Cassettes and CDs. It’s heated.

DRACULA

Really? Heated. This cape is just for show. I can never get them warm enough on those cold winter days. Especially my toes.

JILL

This ought to do it. You can direct the heat right at y our feet.

DRACULA

I can finally get rid of that ratty old afghan.

JILL

It also has an alarm and OnStar. It will call the police if someone tries to break in.

DRACULA

Suck on that, Van Helsing.

JILL

And it’s gently used. Previous owner only had it for a month.

DRACULA

Seems too good to be true. What happened to the previous owner? (Holds out his hand like he might hypnotize her) Be honest.

JILL

Voodoo curse. Turned into a zombie. Just didn’t need it anymore.

DRACULA

I’ll take it.

JILL

And we’ll deduct the value of your trade-in. (Steve hands him a check.)

DRACULA

What the hell?

STEVE

It’s really old.

DRACULA

It’s really antique.

STEVE

The wood was warped. Chipped in some places. Looks like someone tried to pry it open with a crow bar at some time. And it had dirt in it.

DRACULA

Soil from my homeland, asshole. It will come out with a dustbuster.

STEVE

It’s the best we can do.

DRACULA

Screw this!

(Dracula snaps Steve’s neck. He goes after Jill who breaks out a crucifix on him. He recoils.)

JILL

Take your piece of junk and go. (Dracula curses in Romanian and drags his coffin offstage.) CoffinMax – The way coffin buying ought to be. Sans vampires.

(Blackout.)

Week Nine, Day 60- "Open Casket"

“Open Casket”
Written by Joe Janes
3/19/09
60 of 365

CAST:
Neidecker, 40s
Leveck, 20s
Mrs. Gerner, 70s
Mrs. Wolf, 70s
Mrs. Marsh, 70s
Mr. Crosser, 70s

(Lights up on a funeral home. There is a casket downstage. It’s the kind with a split lid. One side is open. Sad organ music plays in the background. Mourners stand in a row looking solemn. Off to the side is Leveck, a young funeral director in training. Neidecker, the more experienced one enters.)

NEIDECKER

Sorry, I’m late. Did you have any trouble setting up for Mr. Johnson’s funeral?

LEVECK

Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.

(The mourners begin to approach the casket and walk by it one by one taking one last look at Mr. Johnson.)

MRS. GERNER

This is so tragic.

(She looks in, looks puzzled, and moves on.)

MRS. WOLF (peeking in the casket)

Well, it is how I remembered him.

(She moves on.)

MRS. MARSH (peeking in)

He does look natural.

(She moves on.)

MR. CROSSER (peeking in)

Bastard’s a show off even in death!

(Neidecker and Leveck exchange confused looks. Neidecker checks out the coffin and rolls his eyes towards Leveck. He closes the lid and opens the other side. The mourners all approach again as Neidecker stands to the side.)

MRS. GERNER

Oh, that’s better.

MR. CROSSER

That’s more like it.

MRS. WOLF

He looks so peaceful.

(As they talk, Mrs. Marsh tries to lift the lid on the lower half of Mr. Johnson to sneak another peak. Neidecker smacks her hand and wags his finger at her. Lights fade.)

Week Nine, Day 59- "Recollections of a Country Life"

"Waiter Scene No. 6, Op. 68, F Major, “Pastoral”

also known as

"Recollections of a Country Life"
Written By Joe Janes and Sir Jasper Turlington III
3/18/09
59 of 365

CAST
Percy, 60
Manfred, 30
Philippe, 50

(Far stage left, a spotlight clicks on and we see scholarly Professor Percy Donohue standing at a podium.)

PERCY

Good evening. I am Professor Percy Donohue, comedy historian. In 1883, Sir Jasper Turlington the Third of Ipswich, England is believed to have penned what is universally agreed upon as the greatest comic scenario ever written. Scholars and public alike embraced Sir Turlington's masterpiece making it a staple of many a music hall revue. It has since faded into obscurity and its original text thought lost to the ages. The original handwritten manuscript was found in a coffee can at an estate sale. With tremendous pride, we present, "Waiter Scene No. 6, Op. 68, F Major, “Pastoral” also known as "Recollections of a Country Life." It begins thusly...

(As Percy speaks, the action is played out center stage.)

PERCY (continuing)

Lights up on Manfred; a mustachioed and dapper fellow sipping creamed tomato soup with a whisper of basil at an outdoor cafe in Oxford during a crisp October afternoon. He notices something in his next spoonful and unceremoniously dumps the contents back into the bowl punctuated with a malcontent flourish. He beckons Philippe, the waiter.

JANIFRED

Waiter!

PERCY

Philippe, 50s, a tall, thin and generously nosed career waiter, approaches the table. He suffers from mild gout in his right foot. He wears a tuxedo and has a red cloth draped over his extended forearm. He recently thought about petunias and the breath of his mother.

PHILLIPE

Yes?

JANIFRED

What is this fly doing in my soup?

PHILLIPE

The backstroke.

PERCY

A bluebird tweets. A lonely dog in the distance barks at a fleeting shadow. A gunshot is heard. A man, unseen, coughs while commuting to his job at the All-Night Haberdashery in Londontown on a train five miles away due north, also unseen. Lights fade ever so slowly.

(The lights do fade ever so slowly and then quickly come back up. The actors take a quick bow and make a quick exit. Lights fade on the action, but remain on Percy at his podium.)

PERCY (continuing)

It is believed that Sir Jasper Turlington the Third scribed well over 365 "short humorous plays music hall and soiree frivolity." This is the only piece that has survived the ravages of time. Given the date scrawled in the corner of the manuscript, it can be concluded that this may also have been Sir Turlington's last comic scenario ever written as he shortly thereafter succumbed to tuberculosis. Turlington scholars agree that the man referenced as coughing on the train was Turlington himself and that the train represents life’s inevitable and persistent chug towards death. The Haberdashery represents the haberdashery where he worked, as he made no money from his writing and died in poverty. But I think you will agree, his good humor and witty dialogue will be enjoyed from to eternity and afterward. Goodnight.

(blackout)