Week 30, Day 210 - “A Cup of Joe"

“A Cup of Joe”
Written by Joe Janes
8/16/09
210 of 365

CAST:
Joan, late 20s
Lucy, early 20s
Timm, 50s

(Lights up on a hole-in-the-wall independent bagel and coffee place. Joan stands in the kitchen doorway smoking a cigarette and being sure to blow the smoke outside. Lucy is cleaning and espresso machine.)

JOAN

So… Joe’s coming over tonight. First time. That’s pretty big.

LUCY

I don’t know. I guess. I get to cook for him.

JOAN

Hmmmm… Third date? Fourth date?

LUCY

Fourth. Technically.

JOAN

He’s going to be in your territory.

LUCY

Right. I have the home turf advantage.

JOAN

I doubt he sees it that way.

LUCY

I like the guy. He’s cool. He’s nice. I’m not worried.

JOAN

You cook him dinner. He eats it. He has some wine, yes? (Lucy nods) You have some wine… It’s just too horribly convenient.

LUCY

We’re not eating dinner naked on my bed.

(Timm, 50s, enters and looks up to ponder the coffee menu.)

JOAN

You’re in your apartment. Secluded. Casual. He doesn’t have to want to get you into your bedroom. The whole apartment is a boudoir. You go into the kitchen to get dessert, come back and find him naked standing on your coffee table.

LUCY

You really don’t know Joe.

JOAN

Lucy.

LUCY

What?

JOAN

I do know Joe.

TIMM

Hello. I would like a latte.

LUCY (defiantly)

I don’t have a coffee table.

(She goes back to cleaning. Joan puts out her cigarette. Timm sighs. Blackout.)

Week 30, Day 209 - “Grekkor the Alien"

“Grekkor the Alien”
Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365

CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s

(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)

CHANCE

Good morning, Grekkor.

DETER

It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.

GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)

Hello.

CHANCE

How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?

GREKKOR

I am feeling fine.

DETER

That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.

GREKKOR

That is good.

CHANCE

We thought you would think so.

DETER

Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.

CHANCE

You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.

DETER

And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.

GREKKOR

Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.

(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)

DETER

How barbaric.

CHANCE

We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.

DETER

If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.

CHANCE

Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.

GREKKOR

I am more than happy to answer them.

DETER

Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.

CHANCE

After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.

(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)

GREKKOR

I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.

DETER

All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.

CHANCE

Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.

DETER

Here’s the first…

(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)

DUNKIN

Hey, there Gekko.

GREKKOR

It’s Grekkor.

CHANCE

He can’t hear you.

DUNKIN

Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.

GREKKOR

My dorsal is not moist.

DETER

He still can’t hear you.

GREKKOR

Just saying.

DUNKIN

But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?

GREKKOR

Who?

CHANCE

Uh-

DUNKIN

Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?

(Deter turns off the “video.”)

GREKKOR

Was that the question? “Well?”

DETER

I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’

GREKKOR

Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?

DETER

I don’t know.

GREKKOR

My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”

CHANCE

I’ll put down “friendly visit.”

DETER

Here’s our next question…

(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)

JERI

Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!

(Deter turns off the video.)

GREKKOR

That was one of your most asked questions?

DETER

Yes.

GREKKOR

I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.

CHANCE

It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.

GREKKOR

Oh, from Manoobi.

DETER

Manoobi?

GREKKOR

Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.

CHANCE

People here think God created the universe.

GREKKOR

When?

CHANCE

When?

DETER

Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.

GREKKOR

Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.

(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)

DETER

Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.

CHANCE

But-

DETER

Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.

CHANCE

Do we have to?

DETER

It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…

(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)

MIKE

Can I fuck you?

GREKKOR

What?

MIKE

I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.

(Deter turns it off.)

DETER

I’m really sorry, Grekkor.

CHANCE

Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.

DETER

Or stupid.

CHANCE

Please don’t think less of us as a whole.

GREKKOR

I’ll have sex with him.

DETER

You will?

GREKKOR

Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.

CHANCE (opening a door)

We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.

(Mike enters.)

MIKE

He said yes?

GREKKOR (standing)

Hello, Mike.

MIKE

Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.

GREKKOR (picking up Mike)

I am happy to oblige.

MIKE

Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.

GREKKOR

That’s fine with me.

DETER

You know what that means?

GREKKOR

We call it the same thing on my planet.

(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)

MIKE

Hey, do I need a condom?

GREKKOR

Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.

MIKE

Awesome.

(They exit.)

DETER

Write down that Grekkor is a female.

CHANCE

Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.

MIKE (off)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

GREKKOR (off)

Oh, Manoobi!

(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 208 - “Pepper"

“Pepper”
Written by Joe Janes
8/14/09
208 of 365

CAST
Pepper, 30s
Jason, 30s
Pepper?
Jason?

(Lights up on Pepper in a smart looking running outfit complete with an iPod arm band and ear buds securely in ears. She is stretching and warming up before her run. Jason enters with his new puppy dog on a leash. He stand back and off to the side when he sees Pepper. He sits on a bench and speaks to his dog.)

JASON

There she is, Pepper. She does this every afternoon. Does she know? Does she know just how enchanting she is? Her name is Pepper, too. I named you after her. I know, I know, you are not she. But it is nice to come home and say, “Hi, Pepper, I’m home… How was your day, today, Pepper?... You look pretty today, Pepper?” And I can imagine you saying, “Hi, Jason, I missed you… Let me give you kisses, Jason… Let me curl up in your lap and let you rub my ears.” I know her name is Pepper because I heard her answer her cell phone. Very authoritative. “This Pepper… Pepper here… Pepper. Start talking.” I love powerful women. They scare the hell out of me. I so wish I knew her. It would be easier if I knew her. How do you introduce yourself to someone who doesn’t know you from Adam. We don’t work together. We don’t have any mutual friends. I could take up running, but I bet she’s fast. I’d never keep up. She probably does marathons. I couldn’t even do a fun run. It would be anything but fun. Unless watching someone clutching his side, panting and wheezing is someone’s idea of fun. I’ll bet she’s a lawyer. Something powerful. She calls the shots. You don’t mess with her. She’s taking down names. She’s on her feet all day. They probably need rubbing. I would rub them. Every day. I would make the perfect housewife… husband. Househusband. I’d greet her at the door with a refreshing beverage and ask her how her day was and fix her dinner and curl up in her lap when we watch “Dancing With The Stars” or “Nova.” Maybe someday we’ll meet like the way people meet in the movies. We’ll accidentally bump into each other and I’ll help her pick her law books and she’ll help me pick up my Redbox DVD rental. “Why, yes, I am into the film adaptation of John Grisham novels. What’s that? You’re a lawyer? We must continue this discussion over a latte. I know this little place called Starbucks. I have a gift card.” (He sighs. Pepper stops stretching and looks around.)

PEPPER

Jason! Jason!

(Jason and Pepper the dog’s ears perk up. Jason the puppy dog comes bounding up to her.)

PEPPER (continuing)

Good boy! Good boy! Let’s go for a run! Let’s go!

(They run off. Jason and Pepper the dog watch them go.)

JASON

If only we had something in common.

(Blackout)

Week 30, Day 207 - “Simplifying"

“Simplifying”
Written by Joe Janes
8/13/09
207 of 365

CAST:
Adam, 30s
Drew, 30s

(Lights up on Adam sitting on the far end of a sidewalk bench. On the other end is a folded up newspaper. Drew comes running up.)

DREW

Missed the bus, didn’t I?

(Adam nods. Drew sits on the bench, not noticing he has sat on the newspaper. Drew looks at his watch, looks around and then looks at Adam. Adam looks back out of the corner of his eye.)

DREW (continuing)

Adam?

ADAM

Yes.

DREW

It’s Drew. You lived across the hall from me until you moved out a few months ago.

ADAM

Right.

DREW

Man, I almost didn’t recognize you. Did you lose weight?

ADAM

Yep. Sure did. (Puts his thumb in his waist band and pulls it our an inch or two.) Doing a lot of walking whenever I can. Eating less, walking more.

DREW

What else have you been up to?

ADAM

Simplifying. Remember how I always had my TV blaring, even if I wasn’t watching anything.

DREW

Oh, yeah.

ADAM

Sold my television. Now, I’m doing a lot of reading. Letting my hair grow out. Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

DREW

That’s great. I really admire you. (Long pause) Lose your job?

ADAM

Yep. Now, if you don’t mind, your ass is on my pillow.

DREW

Oh!

(Drew gets up. Adam lies down and uses the newspaper for a pillow. Blackout.)

Week 30, Day 206 - “An Operator Tries To Help Jim Croce Make A Call”

“An Operator Tries To Help Jim Croce Make A Call”
Written by Joe Janes
8/12/09
206 of 365

CAST
Charlie, 30s

(Lights up on Charlie, a casually dressed telephone operator wearing a headset and sitting before a computer terminal.)

CHARLIE (Into headset)

Sorry, Mr. Floyd. We keep getting disconnected from Mrs. Floyd. I think she’s hanging up- Hello? …Mr. Floyd? …Hello? (He shrugs and disconnects the call and pushes another button.) Information, Charlie speaking, city and state, please?...Los Angeles, California… (He types in the info)…Okay, how may I help you?......Sir, you having a number on a matchbook that’s old and faded - not very helpful… Is it a business or a residence?... Do you have an address or a name?...Raye? R-A-Y-E…No “e.” …Oh. …Do you have a last name?... No. I see. We’re talking Los Angeles here, Sir. I really want to help you, but there are millions of people in LA. Many of them, I’m sure, go by the name Ray. …Was Ray a celebrity? That might help narrow it down. Was it Ray Parker, Jr? Ray Romano?... Well, who is this guy?... ………Sir, if he’s your best old ex-friend and you don’t know his last name, then I can understand why he’s an ex-friend………You should know your friends well enough to know their last name. Just saying… …………Oh, it’s not him you want to talk to. …It’s your ex-girlfriend. …(Sucks air through is teeth) …Yah, that sucks. I feel really bad for you. What a dick. Are you sure it wasn’t Ray Romano?… Maybe the phone is listed under the lady’s name, what is it?...Her name, what is it?...There’s something in your eye? ………………………I’ll wait…………………Just take a deep breath, Sir…………………………I’m sure they’ll be happy to know you’re fine, but, to be honest, you don’t sound fine. ……Did you have some kind of head injury or something?... Look, I’m sorry, but I really can’t help you without more specific information. …………………Thanks for saying that……………………Sir, even if I could keep the dime, you hang on to it. I think you need it more than I do. Bye, now. (He hangs up) Put it towards some therapy or something…(Picks up a new call) Information, Charlie speaking- What? Oh. Thank God. Yes, I have that number, right here. Jenny, Jenny. 867-5309. Would you like me to connect you?

(Blackout)

In case you weren't aware of the song or would like to hear it, here's a cover of it by Strat2Caster...

Week 30, Day 205 - "Free Soda"

“Free Soda”
Written by Joe Janes
8/11/09
205 of 365

CAST
Sylvia, 40s
Jack, 50s
Phillip, 40s
Dirk, 30s
Nancy, 20s
Hillary, 50s

(Lights up on a conference room. A group of executives are sitting around a table finishing up a meeting.)

SYLVIA

…And that should help us save a few pennies in shipping costs. (They all laugh at this in a polite executive way.) Oh, and one last item. Starting next Monday, the company will be providing free soda.

JACK

You mean, just for us, right?

SYLVIA

No. For everybody. You can tell all the employees in your department that starting Monday, and every Monday after; the company will stock a case of 12-ounce cans of cola in every break room in the building. Our Canadian branch does this. They’ve been doing it for years. The CEO there tells me its one of those little perks that brightens up an employee’s day. A little thing that lets them know they’re appreciated. Makes them more productive, too. Any questions?

PHILLIP

Just one. Are you trying to kill me?

SYLVIA

Not through this method, Phillip. What’s your issue?

PHILLIP

Adult onset diabetes, type 2. Not supposed to have sugar.

DIRK

You could just not have any.

PHILLIP

That’s not fair. Why should everyone else get a freebie?

NANCY

I, for one, wouldn’t mind having a diet cola option. That seems fair.

SYLVIA

I suppose you’re right, on that. We’ll split the case. Half cola, half diet.

HILLARY

And those are the only options? We’ll, now you’re trying to kill me.

SYLVIA

How so, Hillary?

HILLARY

The ol’ ticker. Every since my quadruple by-pass surgery last year, the doctor says no caffeine.

NANCY

Maybe we could add a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola.

HILLARY

It’s healthier.

JACK

No. It’s not. It’s carbonated brown chemicals with sugar and salt. I just want you to keep your hands off my coffee and tea.

SYLVIA

No one’s going to take away the coffee and tea, Jack, and we’ll look into doing that, Hillary.

JACK

That’s what you say, now. I’ve worked here twenty years. I’ve always used the coffee maker in the morning and a nice little cup of tea in the afternoon. You take that away, and you may as well tell me you don’t care about me.

SYLVIA

Different subject, but let me assure you, Jack, we’re not touching the coffee and tea. Have all you like.

JACK

I will if I want. You can’t make me.

DIRK (looking at a calculator)

You know, I was just doing the math on this. There may not be enough soda for everyone. You figure one a day, minimum, five days a week; you could be out by Wednesday afternoon.

SYLVIA

Not everyone drinks soda, right, Jack? It probably won’t be a problem.

NANCY

You’re assuming no one’s going to take more than one or, for that matter, outright steal it. Take cans home with them.

DIRK

In that case, it could all be gone on Tuesday. What’s the point of having free soda if you don’t have any? Hell, I can give away something I don’t have. Anybody want a million dollars?

PHILLIP

I do.

DIRK

Help yourself. It’s in the fridge. What? It’s gone. It was there yesterday. Sorry ol’ man. You lose out.

NANCY

We could ration it. Everyone is guaranteed one soda for the week.

HILLARY

For the week? I can’t just sip one soda for a whole goddamn week.

NANCY

Didn’t your doctor tell you anything about pacing yourself?

JACK

I don’t know if rationing is the answer. I think that’s just going to create long lines in the break room. Besides, I don’t drink the swill.

NANCY

For this to work, Jack, you’re going to have start drinking soda.

JACK

No way. I’ll just pour the crap down the drain.

PHILLIP

I’ll take yours. Just give it to me.

JACK

I’ll sell it to you.

PHILLIP

Come on, I’m already out a million dollars.

JACK

Which reminds me. How are we paying for this? Am I going to have to take a pay cut to cover the costs of soda guzzling freeloaders?

SYLVIA

The company pays for it all. We got a deal from the soda industry.

JACK

I don’t see why people can’t just take care of their own soda needs.

(This causes an emotional stir among the group, pro and con.)

SYLVIA

Stop. Just stop. Everyone just stop.

(She takes a breath. Everyone is quit and motionless for a moment. Hillary leans forward.)

HILLARY

I bring a liter of Mountain Dew every day. Are you going to make me switch to a different cola?

NANCY

We added caffeine free diet cola for you.

HILLARY

I should have the option. Doesn’t mean I have to take it.

SYLVIA

No, Hillary, you can still bring your Mountain Dew.

NANCY

I thought you couldn’t have caffeine?

HILLARY

Mountain Dew doesn’t have caffeine. It’s green. (looks around table) It’s green. Do your research.

SYLVIA

I said, “Stop.” Starting Monday, every refrigerator in every break room will be stocked with half a case of cola, half a case of diet cola, and a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola. We will do this for a month. After a month, we’ll re-evaluate it and see if we need to change anything about it. Is that clear? (Everyone sits quiet and nods.) Does anyone have any questions?

JACK

Why do you hate America?

(Sylvia puts her head in her hands. Blackout)

Week 30, Day 204 - "On A Stick"

“On A Stick” or “Thanks, Men”
Written by Joe Janes
8/10/09
204 of 365

CAST
Ed, 30s
Matt, 30s
Brad, 30s
Mike, 20s
Brian, 20s

(Lights up on Matt and Ed at their orange stand at a fair.)

ED

Oranges! Get your oranges here!

MATT

Nice big, round ripe oranges.

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

MATT

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

(Brad crosses by and looks back at the oranges.)

ED

Orange, mister?

MATT

Healthy, full of vitamin C, low in calories-

ED

Glutton free.

MATT

Glutton free.

BRAD

Gee, I don’t know. (He looks at it quizzically) How do I-?

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

MATT

Just peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

BRAD

Like shrimp.

ED

Sure.

MATT

Like shrimp.

BRAD

Seem a bit labor intensive.

ED

They’re refreshing.

MATT

They’re refreshing.

BRAD

Refreshing, you say? Well. Okay.

ED

One dollar.

MATT

One dollar.

(Brad takes out his wallet. Brian and Mike quickly set up a table nearby. On the table, is a round brown blob.)

BRIAN

Oranges!

BRAD

Ooh, they have oranges, too.

MIKE

Dipped in chocolate.

BRAD

I heard chocolate is really good for you.

BRIAN

Wrapped in bacon.

BRAD

Bacon is a good source of protein.

ED

Here’s your orange, sir.

MATT

Just one dollar.

MIKE

Did I mention deep-fried? Our orange is dipped in chocolate, wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in a crispy, yellow batter.

BRIAN

Made out of corn and Twinkies.

MIKE

And-

BRIAN

And-

MIKE AND BRIAN

It comes on a stick!

(Mike stabs the blob with a wooden stick and they pick it up, Brian gesturing around it with his hands.)

BRAD

Sold!

(Brad walks over and grabs the thing on a stick. Brad starts eating it with great relish.)

MIKE

Five dollars, sir.

BRAD

Take my whole wallet.

(He hands him his wallet as he continues to eat the thing on a stick.)

ED

That’s outrageous.

MATT (holding out an orange)

This orange is only a dollar.

BRAD

Please, you can’t put a price on eating healthy. I must tell my friends, Tom and Tony. They could use something like this. They're so out of shape.

(Mike and Brian smugly count their money. Ed looks at the orange Matt is holding and stabs it with his pen.)

ED

Orange on stick.

MATT

Orange on a stick!

ED

Ten dollars.

(Lights fade as the continue to hawk their orange on a stick as Brad continues to devour that fried thing.)