Week 33, Day 227 - “I Love 2 Boogie”

“I Love 2 Boogie”

Written by Joe Janes

9/2/09

227 of 365

CAST

Nat, 30s

Keisha, 30s

Jesse, 50s

Suzy, 20s

Donald Trump, 60s

(Lights up on Nat sitting at a table in a bar. Off to the side is Jesse, the bartender. Suzie the server is at the jukebox, flipping through CDs. Nat looks worried. He leans into his drink. Keisha enters.)

NAT (standing)

Keisha.

(Keisha looks around and delicately steps towards Nat.)

KEISHA

Hello, Nat.

NAT

Thanks for meeting me.

(Keisha takes a pair of sunglasses out of her purse and hands them to Nat.)

KEISHA

Here are your prescription sunglasses.

NAT

Thanks. I’ve been looking for them all week.

KEISHA

Interesting how I happened to find them on my kitchen counter this morning when I’m quite sure they weren’t there yesterday.

NAT

Blue car.

KEISHA

What?

NAT

You know, you buy a blue car and then all of sudden you see blue cars all over the place. You probably didn’t see the sunglasses because you weren’t looking for them until I asked you to.

KEISHA

Right. Okay. I’ll be on my way-

NAT

Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA

I need to get back to work.

NAT

I just think you’re calling this too soon.

KEISHA

Nat. I told you, I know what I’m looking for.

NAT

And I’m not it.

(Keisha shrugs.)

KEISHA

I feel like I gave you a chance.

NAT

We only went out three times.

KEISHA

Which is plenty of times to see if I want to go out on a fourth. Really, Nat, what could I find out about you on a fourth date that I don’t already know?

NAT

I’m rich.

KEISHA (skeptical)

You’re rich?

NAT

Independently wealthy.

KEISHA

I paid for dinner last time.

NAT

They didn’t take credit cards. I should have had my secretary check. Who doesn’t take credit cards any more?

KEISHA

I find it a little bit difficult to believe you’re independently wealthy.

JESSE

Oh, he’s rich. Owns most of this block. Including Trump Tower.

KEISHA

I thought Donald Trump owned Trump Tower.

NAT

I own Donald Trump. Bought him ten years ago. He does my laundry.

KEISHA

Okay. You own Donald Trump. Money isn’t everything. I’m doing fine for myself.

NAT

I’m the world’s greatest lover.

KEISHA

You drool when you kiss.

NAT

It takes me awhile, but my lips will adapt to what you most want them to do. They just do it. I don’t even try. We should have it down in about fourteen more lip locks.

JESSE

No need to take his word for it. Suzy?

SUZY

Nat is an enthusiastic and generous lover.

JESSE

The ladies call him The Hunchback.

SUZY

Because his bells are well hung.

(Jesse grabs Suzy and humps against her.)

JESSE

The bells! The bells! The bells!

SUZY

Oh! Oh! Oh!

JESSE (breaking off)

Of course, I pale in comparison.

(Keisha looks at Nat.)

NAT (sheepishly)

I have a reputation.

KEISHA

You’re all of a sudden rich and good in the sack.

NAT

“Great” in the sack, apparently.

KEISHA

I’m going to have to think about this.

(Keisha gets up and walks off. She gets as far as the door.)

NAT (standing)

Wait!

(She stops.)

NAT (continuing)

There’s one more thing I have to tell you about me.

(She turns.)

NAT (continuing)

I love to boogie.

(Suzy smacks the jukebox. A boogie tune starts playing. Nat dances towards Keisha, takes her by the hand and has his way with her “dance-wise.” They end with a flourish. She grabs him and kisses him for a long, enthusiastic tongue wrassle. They stop. She smiles and wipes off her mouth.)

KEISHA

Thirteen more to go!

(They kiss again. Jesse and Suzy cheer. Donald Trump enters with a laundry basket filled with clean, folded clothes. He drops them near Nat, shakes his head and walks off. Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 226 - “Boris vs. Nature”

“Boris vs. Nature”

Written by Joe Janes

9/1/09

226 of 365

CAST

Boris, 30s

Sophia, 30s

Barbra, 12

Griffin, 60s

Geoff, 20s

Keely, 20s

(Lights up on Boris, a man in his 30s wearing shorts, sandals and a crumpled polo shirt. He is simply standing and staring, intently, on a very fixed point in the direction of the audience.)

SOPHIA (off)

Boris!

(Sophia enters. She is also in her 30s. She is Boris’s wife and is similarly dressed as he. She drags along Barbra, 12, who has a balloon preferably shaped like a zoo animal’s head.)

SOPHIA (continuing)

There you are. Boris, I think we’re ready to go.

BARBARA

Let’s go, Daddy.

(Pause)

SOPHIA

Boris? Did you hear me?

BORIS (still staring)

I heard you, Sophia.

SOPHIA

Well?

BORIS

I can’t leave just now.

BARBRA

Daddy, we already saw the giraffes.

BORIS

I know, Barbra.

BARBRA

Then why are you still here?

BORIS

Because that one keeps staring at me.

SOPHIA

Are you dehydrated? I told you to hydrate at lunch.

BORIS (never breaking his stare)

I’m hydrated. I was just standing here watching him eat some leaves off the top of that tree. Then he stopped, as if he could feel me watching him, and then he just turned his head and stared back.

SOPHIA

Oh, my God. He is staring at you.

BORIS

I know.

SOPHIA

How long as this been going on?

(Griffin, an old retired man, walks up to look at the giraffes. He begins to notice that something is off.)

BORIS

I don’t know. Twenty minutes? I haven’t looked at my watch. I just keep looking back.

BARBRA

Why?

BORIS

Why? I don’t know why? Ask him. He started it.

BARBRA

Hey, giraffe! Why are you staring at my daddy?

SOPHIA

Honey, shush. You’ll get us in trouble.

GRIFFIN

I’ll be damned. That giraffe is staring at you.

BORIS

I know.

GRIFFIN

I come here every day. I’ve never seen anything like that.

BORIS

I think he’s challenging me.

SOPHIA

He’s not challenging you, Boris. He’s just a dumb animal.

BORIS

That’s just it. Maybe he doesn’t think he is. Maybe he thinks he’s better than me.

GRIFFIN

Better than a human? Stare that bastard down, young man.

BORIS

I intend to do just that, Sir.

GRIFFIN

Call me Griffin. Retired Major, US Army. I fought in the Great War.

BORIS

World War II?

GRIFFIN

Grenada. October, 1983.

SOPHIA

Thank you for defending our freedom.

GRIFFIN

My pleasure, ma’am. (To Boris) I’ve got you covered, in case that giraffe gets out of hand. (He pats his jacket breast pocket and nods.)

BORIS

Thanks, Griffin.

GRIFFIN

It’s an honor.

(Pause – everyone is staring at the giraffe, now.)

SOPHIA

How long do you expect this to go on, Boris?

BORIS

As long as it takes. I’m not backing down.

(Pause as they all continue to stare. Barbra starts to get antsy.)

BARBRA

Mom, I have to pee.

SOPHIA

Use your big girl bladder.

BARBRA

I am and my big girl bladder is full.

SOPHIA

Okay. Fine. Let’s find a bathroom.

(Sophia rushes off with Barbra. Griffin and Boris still stare out.)

GRIFFIN

Damn.

BORIS

What?

GRIFFIN

Now, my big girl bladder is full. (He starts to exit.) You gonna be all right?

BORIS

I’m a rock.

GRIFFIN

If I don’t make it back, I want you to know, I’m proud of you, Son.

(He salutes Boris and exits. Boris continues standing. Lights fade. Lights come back up on another part of the stage on Geoff. He stands looking out, staring. Keely enters.)

KEELY

You’re still here, Geoff?

GEOFF

That asshole human won’t stop staring at me. Who does he think he is?

KEELY

Asshole human. Leaf? (Hands Geoff a leaf.)

GEOFF

Thanks. (Geoff takes the leaf and chews on it while he continues to stare.) Asshole human.

(Lights fade.)

Week 33, Day 225 - "Enough Rope"

“Enough Rope”

Written by Joe Janes

8/31/09

225 of 365

CAST

Crystal, 20s

Steve, 20s

Chandra, 20s

(Lights up on Crystal. She sits in her garden apartment living room in the dark looking very depressed. We can see the light from her phone as she checks it once or twice to see if anyone has texted her. They have not. The doorbell rings. She gets up and stands very still, waiting to hear if it really rang. It did and it does, again. She turns on the light from a wall switch revealing the sofa and floor littered with used tissues. She wears all black and wears heavy dark mascara. The doorbell rings, again.)

CRYSTAL

(Loudly) Just a… (Corrected to a softer tone) Just a second.

(She checks her look in a wall mirror. She quickly adds some lines of mascara, giving her more of a crying raccoon look. She goes to the door.)

CRYSTAL (weakly)

Who is it?

STEVE (through door)

It’s Steve.

(She collapses a little against the door, relieved that it is he. She unlocks the door and rushes back to the sofa where she throws herself into a melancholy pose.)

CRYSTAL

It’s open.

(Steve enters. He is a bright, nice looking guy. He carries a backpack over one shoulder.)

STEVE

Hi, Crystal.

CRYSTAL

Hello, Steve.

STEVE

You alone?

CRYSTAL

Chandra’s in her room studying for a mid-term.

(Pause)

STEVE

I got the note you left on my car. And the headless teddy bear you put in my mailbox. And I got your text. Well, texts. All of them. Even the last one.

CRYSTAL

My suicide text?

STEVE

Yah, your suicide text.

CRYSTAL

I can’t live without you, Steve.

STEVE

I can see that.

CRYSTAL

How can you throw our love away like this?

STEVE

I guess I felt like you were pressuring me to commit to a relationship with you. Two weeks of going out together may seem like a long time, Crystal, but-

CRYSTAL

I can’t help what my heart feels, Steve. And what if feels right now is… mutilated.

STEVE

I know, I know. (He sits down on the sofa.) Crystal, I hate seeing you like this. I’m sorry I broke your heart.

CRYSTAL

Mutilated.

STEVE

Mutilated your heart. I’m really sorry.

CRYSTAL

I was just about to take a warm bath.

STEVE

That sounds relaxing.

CRYSTAL

And slit my wrists. Would you do me a favor?

STEVE

Anything.

CRYSTAL

Could you run to the store and get me razor blades? The old-fashioned kind. All I have are Daisy leg shavers.

STEVE

Crystal. I brought you a gift.

CRYSTAL

You did?

STEVE

I think it will change your mind about razor blades.

CRYSTAL (cheering up)

What did you get me? A new teddy bear?

STEVE (reaching into his bag)

Even better. Rope.

(He pulls out a coil of rope with a noose on one end.)

CRYSTAL

Rope?

STEVE

The real sturdy kind. I figured you didn’t have any and using a belt or bathrobe sash is so unreliable. Plus, with rope, you can make a really cool noose, like this.

CRYSTAL

That’s thoughtful.

STEVE

And, the best part, no mess.

CRYSTAL

Guess I didn’t think about the clean up.

STEVE

This water pipe out to hold you. (He throws the rope over a pipe in the ceiling.)

CRYSTAL

Thanks.

STEVE

Now, I read on Wikipedia, that to really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop. (He grabs one of her chairs and puts it under the pipe.) That way, when you kick the chair out from under yourself, you’ll get a little jerk that will snap your neck as well as strangle you.

CRYSTAL

I appreciate you going to all the trouble. I kind of had my heart set on the razor blades though.

STEVE

That’s pretty slow, compared to this.

CRYSTAL

I really like red. And I think it would look more dramatic than a Crystal piñata.

STEVE

Hey, your death.

CRYSTAL (picking up her purse)

Would you mind running to the 7-11 for me?

STEVE

Sure thing. I’ve got it. Need anything else while I’m there? Cotton balls? Fabric softener? Porn?

CRYSTAL

No. I’m good.

(Steve puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her a quick nod.)

STEVE

Be back in a sec.

(Steve exits. Crystal takes some make-up wipes out of her purse and wipes off her face. Chandra walks in carrying a six-pack of cheap canned beer.)

CHANDRA

Hey, you turned the lights on. That’s cool (indicating rope). Was Steve here?

CRYSTAL

Yes.

CHANDRA

You kids getting back together?

CRYSTAL (sitting)

No. Not at all. I never want to see him at all. Ever.

CHANDRA

That’s the spirit. (Chandra sits next to her) Want to get drunk and watch mixed martial arts?

CRYSTAL

More than anything.

(They hug.)

CHANDRA (points to rope.)

Let’s keep that. Maybe we can stick a flowerpot in it.

(Lights fade as they pop open their beers.)

Week 32, Day 224 -“A Thing I Wrote”

“A Thing I Wrote”

Written by Joe Janes

8/30/09

224 of 365

CAST

Vaughn, 40s

RICHARD, late 60’s

JAY, 20s

SARAH 20s

KENNETH early 30s

BARBARA 40s

(Lights up on five empty chairs. Offstage, we hear someone struggle with something. Vaughn enters.)

VAUGHN (to the audience)

So, this is a thing I wrote. If you’re like me, you really hate it when the author creates a character to represent him and then has the character address the audience. “Why don’t you just tell a frickin’ story?” “Why do you have to be so weird?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” The answer is, “This is what I wrote. This is how it came out.” My goal is to write one full-length play a year. I started that goal ten years ago. I have since written three plays. But, this time, I’m serious. I’m 45 years old. Or, as my brain hears it, five years from 50. I’m single. Not married. Never married. Apparently incapable of marriage according to my ex-fiancé. Straight. No kids. I want to leave something for the world. I want to create something that lasts. So, in another 50 years, some theater guy somewhere takes a stack of my plays and says, “Hey, let’s do a Vaughn Tweeder play festival. His stuff is still vital today. Whenever we put on one of his plays, we make money. People love his guy.”

I have never made money from one of my plays. Never.

So, how do I make a living? Depends on how you define “living,” but I make money teaching sketch comedy writing.

(Five students come out and sit near Vaughn. There is RICHARD, an older man in his 60’s, JAY, a young man who dropped out of college, SARAH, a young woman in her late 20’s, KENNETH, a young man in his early 30’s, and BARBARA, a housewife in her 40’s.)

VAUGHN (continuing)

All right. The assignment was to write a Fish Out of Water scene. Who’d like to read their assignment? (Silence) Who’s going to read their assignment? (More uneasy silence)… Richard?

RICHARD

I wasn’t able to get to a copier before class.

VAUGHN

That’s okay. We can just crowd around your one copy and read that.

RICHARD

Well, since I wasn’t able to make copies, I didn’t bring it.

VAUGHN

There you go. Jay?

JAY

I meant to do the assignment. I was going to do it this morning, but I got really drunk last night, which kind of bled over into this morning. And this afternoon.

VAUGHN

Perfectly understandable. (Barbara raises her hand.) Barbara?

BARBARA

I wasn’t here last week, so I didn’t know what the assignment was.

VAUGHN

You have my e-mail, right?

BARBARA

Oh, yes, I guess I do.

VAUGHN

You all seem a little surprised that in a writing class, you’re expected to write.

SARAH

I wrote mine.

VAUGHN

Does it in any way involve any of the characters being decapitated in the end?

SARAH

Yes. …But it’s funny.

VAUGHN

Please find another way to end your scenes other than ritual beheadings.

SARAH

Oh, in this one it’s spontaneous, not premeditated. Just saying. I took your feedback.

KENNETH

I had an idea for a scene. Do you want to hear my idea?

VAUGHN

Sure. Why not?

KENNETH

Freddy Mercury is a Catholic priest who anal rapes an altar boy. He seduces him by singing Queen songs. (He thrusts his hips while singing) “Ooh, you’re my best friend…”

VAUGHN

Freddy Mercury is dead.

KENNETH

That’s the Fish Out of Water part. He finds himself alive AND a Catholic priest.

VAUGHN

Okay. There seems to be some misconception. We are here to learn to write scenes. Solid scenes that feature fleshed out characters with strong passions and flaws and histories and relationships. Characters and situations we can relate to.

JAY

But that’s not what I see on television.

VAUGHN

We’re not writing for television. We’re writing for the stage. This is where you learn your craft.

JAY

I’d write if I had something to write about. I just didn’t think any of my ideas were funny.

RICHARD

I wrote a scene that wasn’t the assignment.

VAUGHN

Excellent.

RICHARD

A pirate, a retard and Dr. Phil are all on “Real World.”

VAUGHN

Why are they on “Real World”?

RICHARD

Because it’s funny?

VAUGHN

Okay. Fine. It’s a funny idea, but then what? Is it a scene? Aside from the fact the three of them would never be on “Read World”-

RICHARD

Thus the funny.

VAUGHN

Where does the scene go from there? What keeps it from being another Saturday Night Live sketch that tells it’s joke in the first thirty seconds and then goes on another three-and-a-half painful minutes. How does the scene move forward? How do you raise the stakes?

RICHARD

Dr. Phil is a vampire.

VAUGHN

And why is Dr. Phil a vampire?

RICHARD

Because he got bit by a vampire.

VAUGHN

Look, let’s rewind a little bit and just talk about writing. You guys keep waiting to have funny ideas before you start writing. Don’t wait to have something to write about. Write even when you have nothing to write about. (Aside) I don’t do this, by the way. (Back to class) Free write. Let the words flow and discover an idea to write about. (Aside) That either.

Writing is rewriting. A good scene takes time. Revision. Don’t give up on a scene before you even finish the first draft. (Aside) Unlike me.

Have a plan. Plot out your ideas. Know where you want your scene to go and take it there. (Aside – Vaughn just does a take to the audience, shaking his head)

What you write about is arbitrary. It’s the process of writing and your perspective that makes your work unique.

BARBARA (raising hand)

I have no perspective.

VAUGHN

If you’re a human being you have a perspective.

Go see live theater. Go see sketch revues. By seeing what’s out there, you’ll see for yourself what works and what doesn’t work. When was the last time any of you saw a show?

SARAH

I watched SNL – The Best of David Spade.

VAUGHN

Better than nothing. How was it?

SARAH

I don’t really remember. I think it was funny.

VAUGHN

Write every day. It’s like working out. You’re developing a muscle here. Write every day.

Write for the stage. Stop putting in things like “and then they drive to the restaurant and get out of the car” How much time is that? Do they talk in the car? Does the audience sit in silence as the characters do that? Does a large man dressed in a bunny suit jump out and move his arms like a clock and make ticking sounds to indicate time shift? You’re writing for the stage. You’re putting real people in a real place in real time in front of other people. Make it worth their while. (He looks apologetically to the audience). Take a break. You have an assignment for the break. Eavesdrop on conversations. Come back with a few lines of dialogue. We’re going to work on writing scenes about human beings. (A man dressed in a bunny suit comes out and makes ticking sounds while moving his arms like a clock. He says, “ding!” and exits.) Okay. Who did their assignment on the break?

KENNETH

What assignment?

(Vaughn slaps his forehead. Lights out.)

Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)