Week 49, Day 341 - "The Thoughts That Count"

“The Thoughts That Count”

Written by Joe Janes

12/25/09

341 of 365

CAST

Momma Judy, 50s

Grandpa Leo, 70s

Sister Sue, 30s

Baby Neil, teens

(Lights up on Momma Judy, Grandpa Leo, Sister Sue and Baby Neil sitting in a semi-circle. Momma Judy hands Grandpa Leo a plastic gift card.)

MOMMA JUDY

Here you go, Grandpa Leo. I got you a gift card.

GRANDPA LEO (squinting)

Ten dollars for iTunes (pronounced “it-oo-nez”). Sounds like they might have good burritos.

MOMMA JUDY

Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

(Grandpa Leo takes out his wallet, puts in the gift card and takes out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to Sister Sue.)

GRANDPA LEO

Sister Sue, here’s a twenty dollar bill.

SISTER SUE

Twenty dollars!

GRANDPA LEO

Give me ten back and you can keep the rest.

MOMMA JUDY

You’re giving her money?

GRANDPA LEO

It’s nature’s gift card. She can use it anywhere.

MOMMA JUDY

Except on iTunes (pronounced correctly.).

SISTER SUE

It’s the thought that counts, Momma Judy. (She hands Grandpa Leo eight dollars.) I only have eight dollars, Grandpa Leo.

GRANDPA LEO

You can owe me.

BABY NEIL

Where’s my gift, Sister Sue?

SISTER SUE

Baby Neil, I texted you a Merry Christmas.

BABY NEIL

That was you? There was no caller id; just a phone number and it said M-R-Y-X-M-A-S.

SISTER SUE

I’m glad you got it.

BABY NEIL

And it cost me twenty cents a text.

MOMMA JUDY

Don’t you have a gift for me, Baby Neil? It’s a tradition. Every year we do a gift exchange.

BABY NEIL

Every year we give each other worthless crap.

GRANDPA LEO

Hey-

SISTER SUE

It’s how we show we care.

BABY NEIL

Oh, then I guess I did get you something, Momma Judy. (Baby Neil reaches into his pocket and pulls out his hand flipping everyone the bird. Pause.)

MOMMA JUDY

That’s better.

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 340 - "It's For The Best"

“It’s For The Best”

Written by Joe Janes

12/24/09

340 of 365

CAST

Vic, 70s

Terrence, 30s

Kimberly, 30s

(Lights up on Vic with his reading glasses on, sitting in a chair and reading the newspaper. Terrence and Kimberly enter.)

TERRENCE

Hey, Dad.

VIC (getting up)

Hey, Terrence, give your old man a hug.

(He does.)

VIC (continuing)

And Kimberly. You’re looking sharp, young lady.

KIMBERLY

Thanks, Dad.

VIC

Can I get you something? I think there’s some beer in the garage.

TERRENCE

No, that’s okay. We just stopped by to give you some news.

VIC

News? “Sit down” news or “for he’s a jolly good fella” news?

KIMBERLY

Given your age, you should sit down. It’s for the best.

TERRENCE

It’s for the best.

(Vic sits.)

VIC

Lay it on me.

KIMBERLY

Well…

TERRENCE

We’re pregnant.

VIC

You mean, she is.

TERRENCE

Yes, technically, but, you know, we’re married; I’ll be at the birthing.

KIMBERLY

It sounds nicer.

TERRENCE

More importantly, within the year, you’ll be able to hold a grand child in your arms before you die.

VIC

Before I die?

TERRENCE

Yeah. You kick the bucket, soon.

KIMBERLY

You are getting up there.

TERRENCE

We were going to wait longer to have kids, but thought we better pop one out so you could see it.

VIC

Why, so I can stand up and applaud your testicles?

KIMBERLY

So you can see for yourself the continuation of your own family before…

VIC

Before I bite it. Listen here, I don’t plan on going anywhere. According to Willard Scott and Smucker’s, I’ve got a good thirty years left and I’m going to use every one of them. I’ll hold several grand kids.

KIMBERLY

He’s so spirited. I hope our baby inherits your spirit. It’s adorable.

TERRENCE

But you never know, Dad. You have to face the facts. Mom’s not around any more.

VIC

Your mother got hit a car. That could happen to anyone.

KIMBERLY

She got hit by the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. She’s probably been the only one ever in the history of weinermobiles.

TERRENCE

You can’t count on living forever.

VIC

If that’s the way you feel, maybe you shouldn’t even bring the offspring around. Wouldn’t want it getting attached. I’ll be in the garage.

(He exits.)

KIMBERLY

I never thought of that.

TERRENCE

We’ll have to tell our child he or she doesn’t have a grandfather.

KIMBERLY

It’s for the best.

TERRENCE

It’s for the best.

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 339 - "Love Birds and Cat Thieves"

“Love Birds And Cat Thieves”

Written by Joe Janes

12/23/09

339 of 365

CAST

John, 50s

Roger, late 20s

Belinda, 50s

(Offstage, in the dark, we hear someone pry open a door. Roger, man in dark clothes with a pillowcase and small flashlight enters. He looks around for something of value to steal. He finds some framed pictures on the wall and begins to tear out the photos and put the frames in his sack. The lights come on.)

JOHN (startled)

Oh, Jesus!

ROGER

Stay back or I’ll blow your head off!

JOHN

Okay, okay. Take what you want.

ROGER

I will. I’m going to take these silver picture frames.

JOHN

Oh….

ROGER

What?

JOHN

You probably couldn’t tell with the lights off, but those are pewter.

ROGER

Pewter?

JOHN

I’m sure they’re worth something.

BELINDA (entering)

John… John what’s going on out here? Oh, hello. What’s that man doing with our pictures?

JOHN

Belinda, dear, we’re being robbed.

BELINDA

Why are you stealing our pictures?

ROGER

I’m not. Just the frames. I was going to try to sell them. I thought they were silver.

BELINDA

Oh, no. Not silver. Sorry. Don’t you want the pictures, too?

ROGER

Oh, I thought you would. For sentimental reasons. I don’t need them.

BELINDA

That is so considerate of you.

JOHN

You’re very thoughtful, but (looks at Belinda for approval) it’s okay with us if you keep the pictures in their frames. If that helps their value.

ROGER

I think I’ve changed my mind about your frames. Bust out your jewelry.

JOHN

Well…

BELINDA

We don’t really…

ROGER

Gold. You must have some gold somewhere. A watch, a necklace.

JOHN

We sold all our gold for cash. Like on TV.

BELINDA

We didn’t even need the money.

JOHN

We just wanted to make Glenn Beck happy.

ROGER

Your wedding rings, then. Hand them over.

BELINDA

Oh, dear.

JOHN

This is really embarrassing.

BELINDA

Just costume pieces.

JOHN

We wanted to impress her dad, so we bought these ostentatious pieces of gold-plated crap.

(Roger comes over and looks at her diamond, first hand.)

BELINDA

Cubic zirconium.

JOHN

The best cubic zirconium money can buy. I’m sure you can get a few dollars for it.

(Frustrated, Roger sits down on the couch.)

ROGER

My wife is going to kill me. You guys have such a nice house. How can you not have anything valuable in it?

JOHN

You answered your own question, there.

BELINDA

What money we had, went into the house. It’s an expensive mini-mansion.

JOHN

That plasma TV was a Kwanzaa gift from her father, take it.

BELINDA

Oh, yes. You can have the TV. That’s worth thousands of dollars.

ROGER

I could never carry that. I just get what I can carry in this pillowcase.

(John and Belinda join him on the couch.)

ROGER (continuing)

Cash would work. Where’s your safe?

JOHN

Safe? We turned it into a mini-fridge.

BELINDA

Nothing to keep in it.

ROGER

Then give me whatever you have.

JOHN

I never carry cash.

BELINDA

Just plastic. We can give you our credit cards.

ROGER

Oh, no you don’t. Too easy to close off and too easy to trace when you use it.

JOHN

I know what to do. (John exits, leaving Roger and Belinda alone.)

BELINDA

So, is this like the start of your shift or are you almost done for the evening.

ROGER

I don’t really work a shift. I only make money when I steal something of value.

BELINDA

Oh, like sales. I did telemarketing in college. Hated it.

ROGER

Yeah. It’s tough. My wife used to do this with me-

BELINDA

Oh, how romantic. Love birds by day, cat thieves by night.

Something like that. But now she’s pregnant, she expects me to pick up the slack.

BELINDA

Must be hard with the economy the way it is.

ROGER

Tell her that.

BELINDA

Do you have a card-?

(John re-enters and tears out a check from a checkbook.)

JOHN

Here you go. (Hands it to Roger) A signed, blank check. You fill in the rest. Make it out to “cash” to stay anonymous.

ROGER

Okay. Thanks. I promise I won’t go too crazy with it.

BELINDA

If you get the cash before it clears, who cares?

JOHN

Really, if we don’t care, you shouldn’t either. You take what you need and get something nice for the misses.

ROGER

Well, thanks. I’m sorry I threaten to blow your head off earlier. I don’t even have a gun.

JOHN

Oh, think nothing of it. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.

BELINDA

You get out there and do your family proud.

(Roger unexpectedly hugs them both.)

JOHN

Oh.

BELINDA

This is nice.

JOHN

It is nice.

(Roger finishes hugging them and walks to the door.)

BELINDA

You come by and rob us anytime.

JOHN

We’ll try to get some stuff in here worth stealing.

BELINDA

Small, easy to carry stuff.

(Roger nods, is almost on the verge of tears. He goes to the wall and takes down a small picture.)

ROGER

Can I have this one of the two of you at the beach?

BELINDA

No need to even ask.

JOHN

What’s ours is yours. Take it.

(Roger puts it in his pillowcase and exits.)

BELINDA

What a nice young man.

JOHN

You don’t meet good, decent folk anymore.

(They start to walk off to bed.)

BELINDA

Just goes to show you.

JOHN

You only need to look as far as your own backyard.

BELINDA

I hope he comes back sometime.

JOHN

Me, too. Maybe he’ll bring his wife…

BELINDA

Oh, I forgot to get his card…

(They exit chatting about the nice time they had as lights fade.)

Week 49, Day 338 - "American Guitar Hero"

“American Guitar Hero”

Written by Joe Janes

12/22/09

338 of 365

Cast:

Dean, 12

Bruce, 50s

Kelly, 30s

(Lights up on Kelly sitting at a dinner table paying the bills. Dean enters. He is an awkward little boy with a “Hello Kitty” book bag. He gives his mom a kiss on the cheek.)

DEAN

Hi, Mom.

KELLY

Hey, Dean. How was school, today?

DEAN

It was all right.

KELLY

Getting better?

DEAN

Yeah, I guess.

KELLY

Enough with these bills. I’ll go get dinner started for us.

(She starts to exits.)

DEAN

Hey, Mom. You know you said I could invite a friend over after school some time?

KELLY (excited)

Yes. Did you make a friend?

DEAN

Yeah. Can I invite him in to play Guitar Hero?

KELLY

Sure! Sure, bring him in. I’ll get you some snacks and juice boxes. I knew things would work out.

(She exits. Dean opens the front door.)

DEAN

Hey, Bruce. I told you she would say okay.

(Bruce enters. He is a homeless vet in his 50s with a makeshift cardboard sign that says “Help A Homeless Vet.” He walks with a noticeable limp.)

BRUCE

Okay, kid. As long as it’s cool. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Got any food?

DEAN

Mom’s getting us some snacks.

BRUCE

Good. Good. Snacks are good. Nice place you got here.

DEAN (setting up Guitar Hero)

Thanks. Mom doesn’t like it. It’s smaller than our old place. Do you like Guitar Hero? You wanna play? I only have one guitar, but you can play it.

(Dean hands Bruce the guitar.)

BRUCE

An axe. Get ready for some thunder. Uh, there’s something wrong with your guitar here.

DEAN

No, no. It’s right. You hit the right colored button when you see it on the screen.

(A Fleetwood Mac song starts to play, something like “Go Your Own Way.” Bruce tries and messes it up. He hands it back to the kid.)

BRUCE

I don’t think I like this game.

DEAN

You just need more practice. I’ve played it a lot.

(Dean shows him and does really well.)

BRUCE

You’ve played that thing a lot.

DEAN

Yeah. I don’t have any friends.

BRUCE

You know, for all the time you put in to learnt to play that thing, you could have learnt to play a guitar. A real one.

(Kelly enters.)

KELLY

Dean, I have grape juice box and an apple. Which one does your friend- Who the fuck are you?

DEAN

Mom! Language!

BRUCE

Ma’am, it’s cool.

KELLY

It is not cool. Get the hell out of my house.

DEAN

Mom!

BRUCE

The boy invited me in. I don’t mean any harm. He said it was okay.

DEAN

He’s my friend.

KELLY

No, he’s not. When you said you brought home a friend, I thought you meant a classmate. Someone your age. He’s some homeless man. He doesn’t belong here.

BRUCE

I’ll be on my way-

DEAN

Can’t he stay, Mom? Please. We were playing.

KELLY

Playing what?

DEAN

Guitar Hero.

BRUCE

I was losing.

KELLY

You need to leave before I call the police.

BRUCE

No need. No need. Like I said, the kid invited me. I thought it was cool.

KELLY (seeing the sign)

Are you really a vet?

BRUCE

Yes, ma’am. Served in Afghanistan and Iraq. Back when it in vogue.

KELLY

Oh.

DEAN

My dad was in Iraq. He’s a hero.

BRUCE

Oh. That’s great. Where is he now?

KELLY

He’s not coming home.

BRUCE

I see. (Pause) Hey, look. I’ll get out of your hair, here. But, since you were willing to part with one of those juice boxes any way, do you mind?

KELLY

Oh, sure. Uh, grape or apple?

BRUCE

Grape sounds just about right.

(She hands it to him.)

KELLY

How on earth did you meet my son?

BRUCE

Oh, some kids were bugging him. I told them to skedaddle.

KELLY

Oh, Dean. You were being picked on, again.

DEAN

Yeah. They were playing keep away with my book bag.

KELLY

I’m going to call that principal, again.

DEAN

No, Mom. Please don’t do that.

BRUCE

If I may, Ma’am. I think you’ll greatly reduce little Dean’s potential of getting picked upon if you just get him a different bag.

KELLY

But he loves kitty cats.

BRUCE

Sure. Who don’t? But a boy at his age at school, that makes him a big target for bullies. I’d get him something a little more manly.

DEAN

Puppy dogs?

BRUCE

Don’t you like G.I. Joe or something like that?

DEAN

My mom and I don’t like violence.

BRUCE

Hey, what do I know? (He opens the door and gets ready to leave.) Tell you what, though. I’m always at the corner near the McDonald’s where all the kids walk by afterschool. I’ll keep an eye out for Dean. Make sure he gets home, okay.

KELLY

Thanks, Bruce.

BRUCE

Be a good soldier, like your dad, Dean. (He salutes Dean who salutes him back in a very effeminate way. Bruce shakes his head.) The next time someone plays keep away with that book bag, let ‘em keep it. That’ll show ‘em. (He exits.)

DEAN

Don’t you think he’d make a good friend, Mom?

KELLY

He makes a good person to know. How about that? Now, let’s see if we can get that smell out of the living room.

DEAN

Yay, Febreez!

(Dean runs off. Kelly looks concerned. Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 337 - "The Five Dollar Mystery"

“The Five Dollar Mystery”

Written by Joe Janes

12/21/09

337 of 365

Cast

Jude, 30s

Robed Guy, ???

(Lights up on a plain terry cloth bathrobe on the back of a chair. Jude enters in his pajamas, stretching. He puts on his robe and discovers a five dollar bill in his pocket. This makes him very happy. Lights go to black and then back up. Again we see the robe draped over the back of the chair. Jude enters again in his pajama, stretching. He puts his robe on and is amazed to find another five dollar bill in his pocket. He is stymied by this, but also pleased. As lights fade, he sniffs the robe and smells something foul. The lights go to black and back up. The robe is again draped on the chair, but Jude stands next to it in his pajamas. He’s afraid to touch it. He tries smelling it from a distance. He gets close enough to discover it smells sour. He pulls his sleeve over his right hand and retrieves another five dollar bill from the robe’s pocket. He sniffs that, too. It smells awful. Lights fade and come back up on the robe draped over the chair. Jude, in his pajamas, sets up a video camera and points it at the robe. He hesitantly walks away, checking back on his robe. He looks one more time from the doorway, turns off the light as he leaves. Fog fills the stage. We hear sinister organ music. Lights pop back on. Standing in the doorway in a long, black hooded robe and holding a scythe is Death. He slowly walks up behind the robe and looms over it. He drops the scythe and picks up the robe, rubbing it against his face as he takes deep breaths. The music switches to some throbbing, inane club beat. Death takes the robe and rubs it all over his body as he dances. He particularly spends some time straddling the robe and rhythmically flossing his crotch with it. The music stops and we hear a tinnier, smaller version of the organ music we heard before. It’s Death’s cell phone. He picks up. As he speaks, he puts the robe back in its place.)

DEATH

Hello?... Speaking… Nothing… Just hanging out.. Some fat guy just ate a donut too fast? I’m on it..

(He hangs up and looks lovingly at the robe. He takes a five dollar bill out of his pocket, kisses it and tucks it into the robe’s pocket. He exits and lights go to black. They come back up and Jude enters in his pajamas. He looks at the robe, but doesn’t pick it up. He goes over to the video camera and checks the playback screen, He presses a button and he starts watching it. We hear the organ music coming from the camera. Jude is frightened. The music changes to the dance music and now Jude is appalled. He picks up the scythe and uses it to pick up the robe. As he walks off, we see him trying to start a lighter to set the robe on fire. Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 336 - "Jock Itch"

“Jock Itch”

Written by Joe Janes

12/20/09

336 of 365

Cast:

Pharmacist Phil, 50s

Curt, 17

(Lights up on Pharmacist Phil in a lab coat behind a counter filling a prescription. Curt, in a varsity jacket, hesitantly approaches.)

CURT

Excuse me?

PHIL

Yes?

(Curt beckons him to come closer so he doesn’t have to speak so loud.)

CURT

Do you have anything for jock itch?

PHIL

Jock scratch?

(Curt looks at him puzzled, but then starts to scratch himself.)

CURT

Thank you.

PHIL

You’re welcome.

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 335 - "A Signing From God"

“A Signing From God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/19/09

335 of 365

Cast

Rev. Arnold, 50s

Thea, 50s

Wally, 60s

(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)

REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)

-And the Lord loves us all

Regardless of religion

Wants us all to get along

Even just a smidgen

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

REV. ARNOLD (speaking)

Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.

THEA (Stops signing)

What?

REV. ARNOLD

Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.

(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)

WALLY

What is he saying?

THEA (signing)

He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!

REV. ARNOLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-

THEA

Loved? She’s only been missing a month.

REV. ARNOLD

Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.

THEA

How do you know this is God’s plan?

WALLY

Let her speak!

(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)

THEA

I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.

REV. ARNOLD

After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.

WALLY

Were you praying or pulling your pud?

REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)

Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.

WALLY

Doesn’t answer the question!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.

WALLY

The Lord is my Viagra!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.

THEA

Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?

REV. ARNOLD

Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.

(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)

WALLY

Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!

(Blackout)