“Romeo Pizza”
Written by Joe Janes
5/22/09
124 of 365
CAST:
Martha, 40s
Gary, 50s
(Lights up on Martha in her apartment late on a Saturday night. She is wearing what she probably considers to be a sexy housecoat. She is lighting candles, fixing up the living room. Her intercom buzzes and she answers it, trying to sound sexy.)
MARTHA
Hello.GARY (VO)
Romeo Pizza.MARTHA
Come on in, Romeo.(She presses a button. Nervous, she grabs some Febreeze and spurts it around the apartment and under her armpits. The doorbell rings. She poses on the sofa.)
MARTHA
Come in, it’s open.(The doorbell rings, again.)
MARTHA (a little louder)
Come on in, the door is open.(The doorbell rings, again.)
MARTHA
It’s open!(The door opens and standing there is Gary, a very old pizza delivery guy. He is out of shape and has pit stains on his polo shirt.)
GARY
Did somebody order a pizza?MARTHA
You’re not Gary.GARY
Yes, I am. I’m Gary. And you are (looks at address on pizza box) Martha Dandridge, right? You order a pepperoni pizza.(Martha gets up and closes her bathrobe.)
MARTHA
There must be some mistake. I specifically asked for Gary to bring me my pie.GARY
Well, there is more than one Gary that works at Romeo’s. MARTHA
They asked me if I meant New Gary or Old Gary and I said New Gary.GARY
New Gary. That’s me. Old Gary’s worked there longer than I have. I just started. Ergo, I’m New Gary.MARTHA
This just won’t do. You’ll have to turn around and tell Old Gary, young hunky Old Gary, to bring me my pie.GARY
I can’t do that, lady. I have to collect the money. $14.98. If I don’t collect the money, it comes out of my own pocket.MARTHA
How insulting. I’ve never paid for a pizza in my life.GARY
What did you do when the other Gary brought you pizza?(Martha blows out candles and turns on the lights.)
MARTHA
What do you think?GARY
Oh. That really happens? I thought that only happens in movies. Bad movies.MARTHA
It happens to Gary. Once a week for a few months, now. It’s like ordering take out sex.GARY
It’s been awhile and I didn’t shower today, or yesterday, but I can probably help you out.MARTHA
Thanks. Now, I really don’t want that pizza. I’ll see if I can scrape up a few dollars. (She finds her purse and starts rummaging through it.) Say, aren’t you too old to be delivering pizza.GARY
I’m too old for a lot of things. A job’s a job.MARTHA
All I have is a ten.GARY
Why don’t I split it with you? You take half the pizza and I’ll take half.MARTHA
Keep it. Keep it all. Just send the other Gary along when you get back.GARY
Martha, look. I know I don’t look nothing like Gary.MARTHA
No. You don’t. Gary glistens.GARY
I glisten.MARTHA
You sweat.GARY
Sweat, glisten, whatever. I understand you’re disappointed but that boy is eighteen if he’s a day. I may not be pumped up on hormones like him and, well, don’t have a lot of things going on physically like he does, but I’ll tell you what I do have going for me.MARTHA
What’s that?GARY
I kiss good. My wife used to tell me I’m a good kisser. MARTHA
She used to tell you that?GARY
She passed a few years back. Her nickname for me was Sugar Lips.MARTHA
Really? I find that hard to believe.GARY
Only one way to find out for sure.MARTHA
Oh, what the hell.(She steps towards him, but then grabs the Febreeze and spurts him down with it. She kisses him and, damn, if he wasn’t right. He dips her as they kiss. She is perklempt.)
GARY
Didn’t I tell ya?MARTHA
Your wife was a lucky woman, Sugar Lips.GARY (heads towards the door)
That was fun. Made my night. Hey, you keep the pizza. On me. Still want me to send Old Gary back?MARTHA
Um, no. That’s okay. You know, this is too big for one person. GARY
Thanks, but I really do need to get back. Manager thinks I’m slow enough as it is.MARTHA
I could warm it up for lunch tomorrow. One o’clock?GARY
I’ll bring the diet soda.(He exits. Martha picks up the phone and dials.)
MARTHA
Yahn’s Chinese Restaurant? I’d like to order some Moo Goo Gai Pan. And please have Yahn Junior deliver it. Tell him it’s for Martha Dandridge. And hurry.(She hangs up and looks around the room. She looks at the pizza box and sprays it with Febreeze. Blackout.)
No comments:
Post a Comment