Week 51, Day 354 - "Our Man In Accounting"

“Our Man In Accounting”

Written by Joe Janes

1/7/10

354 of 365

Cast:

Garin, 20s

Becky, 30s

Jeremy, 20s

Chrissy, 20s

J. Ben, 20s

Mr. Day, 40s

(Lights up on four office chairs. Garin sits at one upstage right; Becky sits at another downstage left. She is working at her computer. Garin is not. He is keeping an eye on Becky. J. Ben is in the back, downstage left, sorting envelopes into files and folders.)

GARIN

Psssst.

(Becky hears him, but doesn’t look. This has happened before.)

GARIN (continuing)

Psssst….Becky.

BECKY (without looking)

You don’t have to do that.

GARIN

Do what?

BECKY

Make that “psssst” sound. We’re the only two here.

GARIN

J. Ben is here.

BECKY

So? He’s just a temp.

J. BEN

I’m really a rapper.

BECKY

You could just say, “Hey, Becky.”

GARIN

Hey, Becky.

BECKY

What?

GARIN

Jeremy has been in Mr. Day’s office for over an hour. Did you hear the rumor going around?

BECKY

Everyone’s heard about Jeremy, Garin.

GARIN

Everyone?

BECKY

J. Ben?

J. BEN

I knew. Uh, (sort of rapping) Like a chunk of news falling down from the sky, I knew Jeremy was getting pink slipped in the … (He makes a face, obviously frustrated, he looks like he’s going to try again, but gives up and goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

How long have you known?

BECKY

Weeks.

GARIN

Really?... Me, too. Saw it coming.

(Jeremy enters, despondent, and takes a seat at his desk upstage left. He has a stapler sticking out of his coat or shirt pocket.)

JEREMY

I have an announcement!

BECKY

There’s only the two of us, here.

JEREMY (standing)

Oh. I see. Well, there’s something I need to tell you. I would appreciate it if you would pass it along to everyone else.

GARIN

Sure thing, Buddy.

JEREMY

Today is my last day.

BECKY

That’s so horrible, Jeremy. And so sudden.

GARIN

You said you knew.

(Chrissy enters with a Diet Coke.)

BECKY

I didn’t, I thought maybe, but I didn’t-

JEREMY

I was so careful. I can’t believe you saw through my cover.

CHRISSY

Knew what?

JEREMY

You may as well hear this, too, Chrissy.

GARIN

Jeremy got fired.

CHRISSY

Duh?

JEREMY

Fired? I did not get fired. Is that what you think? (beat) That may be the cover story, so, if anyone outside this room asks, then, yes, I got fired.

CHRISSY (sitting at her desk.)

You mean you didn’t get canned? I heard you got canned. I want your stapler. Mine sucks.

JEREMY

You may not have my stapler. (He takes it out of his pocket.) It’s government spyware. I use it to take photographs of secret documents. (He points it at Chrissy and “clicks” it.)

CHRISSY (covering her face)

No. I’m not ready.

JEREMY

And I record phone conversations with my Post-It Note dispenser.

GARIN

Explains why you’re so protective of your stuff.

CHRISSY

Your stapler doesn’t staple? I don’t want it, then.

BECKY

Jeremy, I think you’re just upset.

JEREMY

Upset. Becky, I am a spy. I don’t have emotions. I’m a cold-hearted killer. A CIA operative under deep, deep cover. I have just been called in from the cold. I was never here. I’m not here right now.

GARIN

But-

JEREMY

I’m not here.

CHRISSY

We can see you.

J. BEN

Jeremy told the world he was a spy, something… something… lie. (J. Ben looks satisfied at his ability to bust a rhyme.) Someday I will buy my moms a mansion. (He goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

You’re a spy?

JEREMY

That’s right.

GARIN

Hey, everybody. I’m Walker, Texas Ranger.

CHRISSY

You’re not Chuck Norris.

GARIN

That’s right, Chrissy. Chuck Norris is an actor. He portrayed me on television.

CHRISSY

That makes more sense.

J. BEN

I have a loaded gun in my underwear.

BECKY

Is that a metaphor?

J. BEN (Obviously confused by the question)

All I know is it’s real. It gives me edge.

CHRISSY

I’m pretty!

(Awkward pause.)

JEREMY

Any way. I have worked here, undercover, for eight years. As a matter of national security. But in that time, you people have become like family to me.

GARIN

We hardly know you.

JEREMY

Just like family. I felt I owed you the truth. Garin, you’ve always been like a son to me.

GARIN

I think I’m older than you.

JEREMY

Chrissy, you’re like the stepdaughter I never had and always lusted after.

CHRISSY

That’s so sweet.

JEREMY

And Becky, I’ve always regarded you like a second wife.

BECKY

Divorced or Mormon?

JEREMY

Both. Either. And J. Ben’s like the son I never wanted or acknowledged.

(Mr. Day enters.)

MR. DAY

And what about me, Jeremy?

JEREMY

Mr. Day. I guess you’re like my, my-

MR. DAY

Employer who told you to leave the premises immediately?

JEREMY

Yes, Sir.

MR. DAY

Before I call security.

JEREMY

I was just going to pack my stuff.

MR. DAY

We’ll have that guy (points to J. Ben) do it and ship it to you.

JEREMY

Okay. Well, then. Everyone. It has been nice working with you.

(Jeremy starts to leave. He tries to hug a sitting Becky.)

BECKY

Get off me.

JEREMY

Just like a second wife. Good-bye.

MR. DAY

Good-bye, Jeremy.

(Jeremy hands the stapler to J. Ben and walks off. J. Ben starts to clear out Jeremy’s desk.)

J. BEN

There goes Jeremy, he just lost his job, he says he’s a spy but he’s just a slob. (Pleased with himself) Hey!...Hey!

(Everyone goes back to work. Mr. Day takes the stapler out of J. Ben’s hand.)

MR. DAY

I’ll take that.

(Mr. Day takes the stapler and quickly sneaks a pic of Becky and Chrissy as he exits. Garin sees this.)

GARIN (to Becky)

Pssst! Psssst! Pssst!

(Blackout)