Week 22, day 149 - "Chrysler On A Stick"

“Chrysler On A Stick”
Written by Joe Janes
6/16/09
149 of 365

CAST:
Gary Pokuza, 50s
Val Pokuza, 20s

(Lights up on Gary Pokuza sitting at his desk buried in paper work. Val sticks his head in the door.)

VAL

Hey, um, Dad?

GARY

Whatcha got for me, Val?

VAL

I, well, I wanted to ask you something.

(Val sits.)

GARY

Sure thing. Need a little man-to-man talk, son?

VAL

It’s more employee-to-man, Dad.

GARY

Shoot.

VAL

Well, as you know, I’ve been going to church on Sundays.

GARY

You have?

VAL

Yeah. For the last year and a half. Every Sunday.

GARY

Oh, yeah, your mother was saying something about it to me. She was all worried about you going to church. I’m like, what’s the big deal? Can’t hurt. I used to go to church all the time. On Sundays.

VAL

Really?

GARY

Yeah, yeah. Before you were born. Used to go to United Methodist. Great pot lucks. Didn’t even care if you brought anything. Just show up and eat. Good folks. Is that where you’re going?

VAL

No. I go to Christ Almighty on the Cross. South of town near the old industrial plant. On route 163.

GARY

Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been by there. Used to be a fire station, right?

VAL

That’s the one.

GARY

Okay. Good. Whatever floats your boat. They have good potlucks at this Christ on a Stick?

VAL

On the Cross. Yeah. They do. Once a month. Fettuccine and Fellowship. Everyone brings a pasta dish.

GARY

Good. Good to know. You don’t want me to go, do you?

VAL

Um, sure. I’d love it.

GARY

I don’t want to.

VAL

That’s okay, too.

GARY

Okay, good. I’m glad we had this talk. I have a ton of paperwork to plow through.

VAL

Actually, Dad, I wanted to see if it would be okay with you if I prayed.

GARY

Right, now?

VAL

No. Not now. But here. At work. Would that be okay with you?

GARY

Son, we sell Chryslers. That’s why the sign out there says Gary Pokuza Chrysler. It’s hard enough to get people through the door. Seeing you in the middle of the showroom on your knees with folded hands might look a little desperate. We don’t want to turn off any potential customers.

VAL

I don’t have to do it in the showroom, Dad. I just want a little space set aside, maybe in the break room, near the coffeemaker, where I can pray three times a day.

GARY

Three times a day.

VAL

About ten minutes each.

GARY

Can’t you just do it at night before you go to bed, like everyone else?

VAL

Is that when you pray?

GARY

I haven’t prayed in 25 years. And that was for your mother to have a girl. I’m not as confident as you are in the power of prayer, Val.

VAL

Oh. Oh! (Visibly upset by this news) Do you mind if I pray, now?

(He starts to get down on his knees. Gary lifts him back up into his chair.)

GARY

That’s old news, Son. And I don’t mean it anymore. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re my boy. Listen, I’d really rather not anyone see an employee down on his knees in my office. People might get the wrong idea.

VAL

I need a place to pray, Dad. You know, I didn’t want to mention this, but it’s my legal right to practice my religion.

GARY

Okay, okay. I’m not denying that. But, sheesh, thirty minutes a day? Every day? How big is your list? What the hell are you praying for?

VAL

Forgiveness.

GARY

That’s it? Can’t you just do it once and get it over with? God has big ears. I’m sure he heard you the first time.

VAL

I sin every day and require his forgiveness every day.

GARY

You sin every day? What the hell did you already sin about today? It’s not even ten o’clock.

VAL

I had impure thoughts about Juanita the receptionist.

GARY

Damn, Val. If I prayed every time I had an impure thought about Juanita, I’d never sell a car.

VAL

That’s why I pray every day.

GARY

Sheesh, I don’t think this is a freedom of religion issue. You just need to manage your time better. Let those impure thoughts build up over the week and then you get more bang for your buck at the Sunday services. Make your minister earn his pay.

VAL

But I love Jesus. I want to make sure I’m right with him every day.

GARY

I love football, but I’m fine with it just being on Sundays.

VAL

It’s not just on Sundays.

GARY

Okay, Monday nights, too.

VAL

Saturdays.

GARY

College football, yes.

VAL

And Thursdays.

GARY

And the occasional Thursday night and the Friday night high school games. I get it. I guess if I could watch football three times a day, I would. Knock yourself out. But pray in the utility closet and not when your Uncle Chet is in there with his magazines.

VAL

Deal. Thanks, Dad. I’ll go pray right now.

GARY

Pray for a car sale.

VAL

I will. And I’ll pray for you.

GARY

Whoa, why are you praying for me?

VAL

I don’t want your soul to burn for eternity in hell.

GARY

Yeah. Okay. Pray for that.

(Val exits. Gary looks up to the ceiling.)

GARY

I wanted a girl.

(Blackout.)

Week 22, day 148 - "Tracer"

“Tracer”
Written by Joe Janes
6/15/09
148 of 365

CAST:
Eric, 40s
Vandemeer, 40s


(Lights up on Eric standing alone in a parking garage. He hears a car in the distance. He hears a car door. He hears distant footsteps. He hears someone clearing their throat.)

ERIC

Is someone there?

(He hears stronger throat clearing and then Vandemeer walks out of the shadows in a trench coat and fedora, sucking on a milkshake.)

VANDEMEER

Yeah, kid. Sorry. Feeling a little phlegmy. Gotta cut down on these milkshakes.

ERIC

Did you find Melissa, Mr. Vandemeer?

VANDEMEER

Maybe.

ERIC

What do you mean “maybe”?

VANDEMEER

I mean maybe when I say maybe. I’ll walk if you don’t like how I do business, Eric.

ERIC

I’m sorry. It’s just, three in the morning in this parking garage. I feel like I’m doing something against the law.

VANDEMEER

Are you?

ERIC

I don’t think so. Are you?

VANDEMEER

You want the information or not?

ERIC

Yes, of course, I do. I just didn’t expect all this cloak and dagger stuff.

VANDEMEER

You try to find somebody who maybe don’t want to be found, you get the cloak and dagger stuff. Comes with the territory. Plus, these are my regular office hours. I get this space for free at night.

ERIC

Melissa doesn’t want to be found?

VANDEMEER

Look, kid. Let me give you some advice. You’re trying to find a girl you had a thing with a long, long time ago.

ERIC

I just want to see if she’s okay.

VANDEMEER

All right, then. She’s okay. We’re done here.

ERIC

Well, you have to tell me more than that. I paid you two thousand dollars to find her for me. How do I know you’re not just ripping me off?

VANDEMEER

She lives in Toledo with her third husband, Carl Busby.

ERIC

Melissa Busby?

VANDEMEER

Her kids are all in college or vocational school. She makes money as a nurse-for-hire. Eats more yogurt than any woman should. She likes the ponies.

ERIC

She’s always liked ponies.

VANDEMEER

Now she bets on them.

ERIC

I want to see her.

VANDEMEER

Here’s her number.

(He hands him a slip of paper.)

ERIC

Finally, a phone number.

VANDEMEER

Look, kid. Do yourself a favor. Throw that slip of paper away.

ERIC

I haven’t seen her in twenty years.

VANDEMEER

Exactly why you should file it in the trash bin. Things will never be the way they were with her. She was your sweetheart a long time ago. She’s changed. You’ve changed. You can’t reheat that hormone casserole.

ERIC

I don’t expect to. She was important to me. I wouldn’t be who I am now if she hadn’t pushed me in the right direction. I owe her. I want to thank her.

VANDEMEER

That’s what you say to help you get to sleep at night. But I know and you know you hope there’s a spark there that hasn’t gone out. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. If it has, you’ll be broken hearted all over again. If it hasn’t, you’ll ruin her life and hate yourself for it. Leave it alone. Walk away. She’s doing okay. That’s all you wanted to know, that’s all you need to know. Am I getting through that bone beret you’re wearing?

ERIC

Yeah. I hear you. Thanks, Mr. Vandemeer.

VANDEMEER

If you want your two grand back –

ERIC

No, no. You did your job.

VANDEMEER

Good. I already spent it. I have some car wash coupons I could give you, though.

ERIC

That’s okay. I think I’ve got my money’s worth.

VANDEMEER

Throw that slip of pulp and ink in the can.

ERIC

I will.

VANDEMEER

If you like the job I did, tell your friends. Word of mouth is the best form of advertising. And the only one I can afford.

(Vandemeer nods, sips on his milkshake, and retreats into the shadows. Eric looks at the number, crumples it up. Think better of it and uncrumples it. He dials. We hear him dial and we hear the phone ring and pick up.)

VANDEMEER (VO)

Thank you for calling Vandemeer Car Wash and Detective Agency, if you’d like to leave a message-

(Eric hangs up.)

ERIC

Fuck!

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 147 - “Rock and Roll Trouble!”

“Rock and Roll Trouble!”
Written by Joe Janes
6/14/09
147 of 365

CAST:
Johnny, 17
Trouble, 17
Dad, 40s
Mr. Dillman, 50s
Narrator
Various friends and students

NARRATOR (VO)

He came from the right side of the tracks.

(Lights up stage right on Johnny, a clean-cut young boy, walking to school, his books in a book bag.)

NARRATOR (VO-continuing)

He had never seen trouble…until she rolled into town.

(Lights up on stage left on Trouble in the cab of a semi-truck, her dad is driving. She is wearing a typical schoolgirl outfit and holding school books in her lap. He brings the rig to a stop.)

DAD

Now, young lady, you be good at school. Make your momma proud, you hear?

TROUBLE

Sure thing, Daddy.

(She exits and runs into Johnny as we hear the truck pull away.)

JOHNNY

Hi. You must be new. I’m Johnny.

(She throws her books into a trashcan and moves passed him towards the school)

JOHNNY (continuing)

I’m having a party at my house after school. Me and the gang. You can come over if you want. Hey, what’s your name?

TROUBLE

Trouble.

JOHNNY

Trouble?

NARRATOR

See Johnny’s world go topsy-turvy.

(Lights up on a party where Johnny and his friends are listening to Andy Williams. They are having a pleasant time. Trouble enters.)

JOHNNY

Trouble, you made it. Hey, everybody, this is Trouble. We were just listening to a cool new recording from Andy Williams.

(Trouble walks over to the record player and pulls the needle off it followed by a rally of “hey's” from Johnny’s friends.

JOHNNY (continuing)

Hey, Trouble, that was Andy Williams. One of the hippest cats around.

TROUBLE

Maybe you need to hear some of this, Johnny. It’s called rock and roll.

(She puts on a new record. It’s Chuck Berry. She starts to dance.)

JOHNNY (trying to join in)

Hey, where’d you learn to dance like that?

TROUBLE

Magazines.

(The kids all joyfully join in dancing.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Just like Romeo and Juliet… with a Rock and Roll beat!

(Lights up on a classroom. Johnny slouches at his desk and wears sunglasses. Mr. Dillman, the history teacher, is looking at him sternly.)

MR. DILLMAN

Who discovered America, Johnny?

JOHNNY

I don’t care, Mr. DILL-man. Not since I discovered rock and roll!

(Chaos erupts in the classroom. More Chuck Berry is heard. Johnny grabs Trouble and they dance around Mr. Dillman. All the students are up and dancing.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Rock and Roll Trouble! See how absolute rock and roll corrupts absolutely. (Mr. Dillman starts dancing, too.) Coming soon to a drive-in near you.

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 146 - "Funk and Wagnall"

“Funk and Wagnall”
Written by Joe Janes
6/13/09
146 of 365

CAST
Dad, 50s
Mark, teens
Chuck, teens

(Lights up on Mark and Chuck sitting at a table across from each other, each with a laptop open between them. Dad enters with refreshments.)

DAD

You boys look like you might be working up a thirst. I brought you some soft drinks…(He sets two glass down on the table.) man, oh, man; studying ain’t like it was when I was a kid. Let me tell you. You kids and your computers these days. The world at your finger tips. We had to use encyclopedias when we wanted information. Funk and Wagnalls. Wanted to find something out, had to go look it up in the Funk and Wagnall… Look at that screen. It’s so clear. It’s like Star Trek… You boys studying graphs? Geometry? Tough stuff. Look at that screen. We had math books. Boring old math books. No color. No pictures. But look at that… Well, you boys keep studying hard. The old man’s gonna go down stairs. Watch some CSI-Miami… You boys need to take a break, come on down. We’ll throw some pizza puffs in the toaster oven…. All righty.

(Dad exits.)

MARK

G-4.

CHUCK

You sunk my battleship!

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 145 - "The Constant Present"

(Back up and running! Whew! Here is Friday's post.)

“The Constant Present”
Written by Joe Janes
6/12/09
145 of 365

CAST
Marty, 30s
Arnold, 20s

(Lights up on Marty and Arnold, two US soldiers guarding the wall of the Green Zone in Iraq.)

MARTY

I’m just saying, maybe it already has happened, Arnold. Maybe somebody did it here. Maybe someone from the future came back in time to Iraq and made sure we killed Sadam Hussein. Maybe there’s a future where Sadam Hussein lived and became an even bigger evil asshole.

ARNOLD

That would mean he’s still alive.

MARTY

Maybe he is. If someone came back in time to kill him.

ARNOLD

Whoa, Marty. That’s nuts. If someone came back in time and killed him, then they changed the future. He’s dead. They changed the outcome. It would happen in a flash and we wouldn’t even notice.

MARTY

I don’t think it works like that. Suppose tomorrow you went back in time and killed Hitler.

ARNOLD

I would so love to do that.

MARTY

Let’s say Hitler, turns out, banged some German barmaid who got pregnant, had a son and that guy turned out to be your grandfather.

ARNOLD

Hey, my great great grandmother did not bang Hitler.

MARTY

Hypothetically.

ARNOLD

She didn’t do it that way, either.

MARTY

All right, it was my great great grandmother. Okay?

ARNOLD

That is a more likely scenario.

MARTY

So, by killing Hitler, you prevented me ever being born. So, what does that mean about right now. Are you on this wall right now talking to me? Or am I simply erased from the world in the blink of an eye? Or maybe you’re not here at all. Maybe my not being born threw things off so much you went on different path in your life. Different job, different location.

(They start making sandwiches as they are now working behind the counter of a Subway sandwich shop.)

ARNOLD

You’re making it too complicated. You kill Hitler, the Jews don’t die, everything is hunky dory. We would still be having this conversation because I don’t leave till tomorrow, right?

MARTY

Well, I actually agree with half of what you are saying. It’s like this foot long chicken teriyaki sandwich with tomatoes. Let’s say the sandwich is a timeline. (He holds up the sandwich.) Let’s say I go back in time and eliminate the first tomato in the sandwich’s history. Now, did that get rid of all the tomatoes that follow?

ARNOLD

No. I can still see them tomatoes.

MARTY

Right. This end of the sandwich is the present, as we know it. It doesn’t change. However, by altering that sandwich’s past, we create a new sandwich that exists elsewhere.

ARNOLD

And we live in that new sandwich, too?

MARTY

Maybe. If we do, we don’t know it. It’s a different reality. This is our reality and this is our constant present. The “now” that we live in.

(They shift to making a dam by hand with logs.)

ARNOLD

A constant present. Like, for us, there’s always us, here, now. If someone goes back in time and changes something, it doesn’t affect us.

MARTY

That’s right, Arnold. Now you’ve got it. It creates a new timeline. It’s like a reboot at that point in time, but it goes off in a different direction, leaving this one the way it is. The end of that log is too wide. Gnaw it down so it will fit in the dam.

(Arnold uses his beaver-like teeth to gnaw down the end of the log as Marty uses his beaver tail to pat down some logs into place.)

ARNOLD

So, if I was a Jew and invented a time machine in my concentration camp and went back in time to stop the holocaust, I’m not really stopping the holocaust.

MARTY

You are for a new reality, but not for your own. Not for the ones you left in the “present.”

ARNOLD

And when I come back, do I come back to my old timeline or the new one?

MARTY

You are just you, so you come back to your old timeline. Things don’t change for you. I mean, if they did, all sorts of things would happen. Not just circumstantial things, huge evolutional things could happen. We could like, lose our tails and fur because we accidentally changed nature and nature figures we don’t need ‘em anymore.

ARNOLD

I would be lost without my tail.

(They are now floating outside a spaceship making repairs.)

MARTY

But, you know, we wouldn’t even know or realize because this is our reality, our constant present. It is what it is. Man, I think we’re too close to that black hole.

ARNOLD

I didn’t want to alarm the rest of the crew, but, yes, we are. Once we get these thrusters repaired, we’ll warp out of here.

MARTY

All in all, I think it’s probably best not to mess with time travel. Be happy where you are.

(They are back to guarding a wall.)

ARNOLD

Yeah. I guess you’re right, Marty. Make the best out of your constant present because you really can’t change things.

MARTY

That’s right, Arnold.

ARNOLD

Let’s hope those Texans don’t try to change things by trying to sneak over this wall.

MARTY

God bless Oklahoma.

ARNOLD

Why would I want to kill some guy named Hitler?

MARTY

Who?

ARNOLD

Hitler?

MARTY

I don’t know who that is.

(Blackout)

Due To Technical Difficulties...

So, yesterday's post didn't happen because I accidentally deleted the entire "365 Sketches" folder on my desktop. Not as big a deal as it sounds. Everything is backed up, except for yesterday's scene, because I was nowhere near my external hard drive when I wrote it.

Right now, I am running a file recovery system on my laptop which is apparently being very thorough. I started it at 5pm yesterday and it is barely half way through looking under every rock and pebble on my hard drive. Perhaps it will find Tron. Hopefully, we'll be back up and posting this afternoon.

The game is still on. I am still writing a scene a day. This changes nothing. Just a delay in getting a post up.

Week 21, Day 144 - “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

“Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”
Written by Joe Janes
6/11/09
144 of 365

CAST
Kenny Spicerman, 30s
Joan, 30s
Bret, 30s
Matt, 50s
Announcer (VO)

(Lights up on Kenny wearing an earpiece-microphone sitting on a bar stool. He has index cards he’s flipping through. Behind him, is an easel with posters on it. The first poster, obviously handmade, says “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!” In front of him are several empty chairs. Joan sticks her head in the door and looks around. Kenny makes eye contact with her and she quickly ducks out.)

KENNY

Hey! Hey! Are you here for the seminar?

JOAN (sheepishly re-entering)

Am I in the right place?

KENNY

I’m Kenny Spicerman and I say, “you are always in the right place.” Have a seat, have a seat.

JOAN

Okay.

(She sits in the back row near the door.)

KENNY

You can sit closer, I won’t bite.

JOAN

That’s okay.

KENNY

Okay. I think we’re just going to wait a few minutes, in case some people got lost. You’ve got all these breakout sessions going on all over in this convention hall, you don’t know where you’ll end up. It’s crazy.

JOAN

The guy across the hall is full. There’s people standing in the back and in the doorway.

KENNY

Oh, yeah? Must be giving something away.

JOAN

I don’t know. I couldn’t get in. I wanted to. It’s Matt Tarbock. He wrote that book “A Life More Extraordinary – Woo-Hoo!”.

KENNY

Never heard of it.

JOAN

He was on “Oprah.’

KENNY

Oh, well. There you go. He was on “Oprah.” He could be handing out plastic baggies filled with dog poop and people would be, “Ooh, he was on ‘Oprah’.”

JOAN

What’s your seminar about?

KENNY

I am glad you asked…

JOAN

Joan.

KENNY

Joan! (sing-songy) Joan-on-the-phone. Got it. My seminar’s called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World.”

JOAN

Are you Kenny Spicerman?

KENNY

I am.

JOAN

Do you have a book?

KENNY

Yes, I do. Soon. It’s not out yet. I’m still working things out with the printer. Publisher. I do have a blog.

(Bret shuffles in and looks around.)

KENNY (continuing)

Hi, are you here for the seminar?

BRET

You giving any stuff away?

KENNY

I am, indeed. Your name is…?

BRET

Bret.

KENNY

Bret. (sing-songy) Bret-needs-a-vet.

BRET

Hey.

KENNY

What kind of giveaway were you looking for Bret?

BRET

I don’t know. T-shirt. Mug. Button.

KENNY

What I’m giving away is more powerful and more valuable than any old t-shirt or mug or button.

BRET

Those squeezey stress balls are pretty cool.

KENNY

Bret! I’m going to tell you how you can rule your world. How does that sound?

BRET

So, you don’t have anything.

KENNY

Here. Here! (He digs in his pockets) I have 38 cents and a stick of gum. Okay?

BRET

I guess.

JOAN

I didn’t get anything.

KENNY

Here, Joan. For you, I have…. A pen!

BRET

Oh, yeah. Pens are cool, too.

KENNY

I only have one.

JOAN

The cap’s been chewed.

KENNY

Part of the design. It’s rustic. Now, would anyone like to maybe hear the seminar?

(They nod.)

KENNY (continuing)

Great. Great. Welcome. This seminar is called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

BRET

Who’s Kenny Spicerman?

JOAN

He is.

BRET

Oh. Go on.

KENNY

Thanks, Bret, for letting me continue. Now, have either of you ever felt there’s a party going on in this world and you weren’t invited?

BRET

Yeah. I do. All the time.

JOAN

Me, too. Even when I’m at a party I was invited to. I feel like I’m crashing it.

BRET

Me, too! I feel so out of place.

KENNY

Then this seminar is for you. Now, is anyone in this room not a human being? Anyone? Raise your hand if you are not a human being.

(Joan slowly raises her hand.)

KENNY (continuing)

Joan. You’re not a human being?

JOAN

No. I am. I just thought you wanted someone to raise their hand.

KENNY

Thank you, but no. So, to be clear, we are all human beings. You know what else we are? We are all human businessings.

(He reveals his next poster, which simply says, written in marker, “We Are All Human Businessings”.)

BRET

I’m a human businessing?

KENNY

You, Bret, are the CEO of Bret, Inc.

BRET

Really?

KENNY

Yes. And you, Joan, are the CEO of JoanCo.

JOAN

I get it. I’m in charge of me. I run my own Joan.

KENNY

That’s right. And who are your employees?

JOAN

My employees?

BRET

My hands. My hands are my employees.

KENNY

Sure. Sure they are.

JOAN

My positive attitude. Right? Please tell me I’m right.

KENNY

You bet you’re right. You’re the boss of that positive attitude. You’re the main man who tells those hands where to go and what to do.

BRET

Oh, my God! This is great, Kenny Spicerman! Do you have a book?

KENNY

I do, but not with me. I have these order forms you can fill out (He hands them to Joan and Bret). Just give me your address and a check for $25 and I’ll send you the book. I’ll even sign it.

BRET

Can I use your pen?

JOAN

Better tell your hands to find their own pen, Mister.

KENNY

That was my last pen.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The New You University Conference sponsored by Starbucks, Whole Foods and Michelin Tires will be meeting in the main room to raffle off a free two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Blackout dates apply. Many blackout dates apply. The two weeks may not be consecutive. The raffle will be in five minutes and you must be present to win.

BRET

Gotta go!

KENNY

But, we didn’t finish-

BRET

I rule my world thanks to you, Kenny Spicerman. Feet, get your ass to the main room. Now!

(He exits)

KENNY

You didn’t fill out-

JOAN

Positive attitude, start working that mojo to get that cruise.

(She exits. Kenny sits on his stool. Matt Tarbock enters. He wears a leather sports coat and matching leather pants.)

MATT

Hey, Kenny. Knock their socks off?

KENNY

Yeah. Yeah, Matt. Hey, I saw you on “Oprah”. That was awesome.

MATT

Are you heading to the main room?

KENNY

Yeah, let me make sure I have my raffle ticket. (Pats his jacket). Crap. I must have left my wallet at home.

MATT

I’ll buy you a ticket. Get you a coke, too.

KENNY

To quote the master, “Woo-hoo!” Thanks, Matt.

MATT

Your blog, by the way, has been a real inspiration to me. You should make it a book.

KENNY

Thanks. I did make it a book. Sort of.

(They walk off. Lights fade.)