Week 17, Day 113 - "Prom Night"

“Prom Night”
Written by Joe Janes
5/12/09
113 of 365

CAST:
Janet, 40s
Monty, 40s
Julie, 17
Dante, 17

(Lights up on Janet and Monty in the living room of their home. Monty is reading the newspaper. Janet is knitting. The doorbell rings.)

JANET (getting up)

I’ll bet that’s Dante. Julie, he’s here!

MONTY (getting up)

I’ll grab the door.

JULIE (off)

I’ll be down in a second, Mom.

MONTY (opening door)

Hey, there, Dante. Come on in.

(Dante enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a corsage.)

DANTE

Thanks, Mr. Boone.

MONTY

Call me Monty.

DANTE

Okay.

JANET

Look at you. Such a handsome young man, Dante. Oh, I’ll go get the camera.

(She exits)

MONTY

Excited about tonight, Dante?

DANTE

Yes, Monty.

MONTY

I’ll bet you are. Listen, I want to make sure you treat my daughter-

DANTE

Oh, rest assured, Mister- Monty, I’ll be treating your daughter Julie like a perfect gentleman.

MONTY

Oh, I’m sure you will. You’re a good kid, Dante. Soon to be a man, right?

DANTE

Sure.

MONTY (takes out his wallet)

Listen, Dante, I want to make sure you treat my daughter to a nice hotel. You hear? A nice one. This should cover the cost of a nice room at the Marriott.

(He hands Dante a hundred dollar bill.)

DANTE

Um. Wow. We weren’t planning on getting a hotel room.

MONTY

I know, I know. Some after prom thing in the Fleming’s rec room basement. Dante, Julie is a special girl. She’s my princess. She doesn’t deserve to be finger banged in a beanbag chair under a black light and black velvet leopard poster. You’re going to nail her in a good and proper fashion. We clear?

JANET (entering)

Here’s the camera!

MONTY

We’re clear?

(Dante gulps and nods.)

DANTE

Yes, sir. I will do my best.

JANET

Oh, and here comes the prom queen.

(Julie enters in a tasteful prom dress.)

JULIE

I’m not the queen, Mom. Just a prom peasant, right now.

JANET

Well, you look like a queen to me.

MONTY

Me, too.

JULIE

Hi, Dante.

DANTE

Hi, Julie. You look beautiful.

JULIE

Thanks.

JANET

Oh, my God, I’m going to explode if I don’t take your picture. Get together, get together.

(They do and they pose for a picture.)

DANTE

We should probably get going.

JANET

Oh, wait. Just a moment. I have something for you Julie.

(She exits.)

MONTY

You kids have a great time. A great time. Dante, if I don’t see a smile on my daughter’s face for the next month, we’re going to have words.

(They all laugh.)

MONTY

I’m serious.

JANET (entering carrying a small tote bag)

Here, here. It’s a little “kit” I made for after the prom.

JULIE (looking in bag)

Wine, mom? You got us wine?

JANET

Shhhh, that’s just for the two of you.

JULIE

And condoms?

MONTY

That’s just for the two of you, too.

JANET

But there are extras if you need them.

MONTY

Ah, hell. The more the merrier, right?

JULIE

I feel so lucky to have parents like you.

DANTE

I feel lucky… too.

JANET

And take the camera. I want lots of pictures.

MONTY

Of everything. Everything. Bring back some action shots.

DANTE

Okay, well, I guess we should be going, now.

JULIE

Bye mom and dad. And thanks.

(They exit.)

MONTY (yelling out the door)

Remember Dante. Be a gentleman. Make sure the girl gets off first, then you. Follow that guideline and no woman will ever complain about how you are in the sack. Right, Mom?

JANET

It’s true! (Beat) They grow up so fast.

MONTY

Hey, looks like we have the house to ourselves.

JULIE

I’ll get the black light, you get the beanbag chair.

MONTY

Hot dog!

(Blackout)

Week 16, Day 112 - “Sea Watchers"

“Sea Watchers”
Written by Joe Janes
5/10/09
112 of 365

CAST:
MARY – upper 40’s
STANLEY – upper 40’s

(Lights up on a middle-aged couple sitting on a bench outside a small white cabin on the beach. Everything is very plain. Their deck is unadorned except for the simple bench to the right of the door and nearly to the right edge of the deck. We can hear the ocean and the wind. It is a sunny day. Mary is in a simple black two-piece swimsuit and wears a white rubber swim cap with a chinstrap. Stanley is in a simple pair of black swimming trunks. They are barefoot. He is leaning forward. She is sitting back with her legs crossed. Their expressions are very blank. For a very long time, they both stare out at the water. He looks at her and then back out at the water. She looks at him and then back out at the water. A seagull is heard flying over and they watch it. They look back out at the water after it passes. Stanley stands and slowly walks towards the edge of the deck. This has caught Mary’s attention. He stands for a moment looking out at the ocean. He looks both ways down the vacant beach. He looks back out at the water. He quickly walks back into the cabin. Mary sits stunned. A moment later, Stanley emerges from the cabin with a stack of white, folded towels. He places them on the bench where he sat. Satisfied with himself, he then walks back to where he was at the edge of the deck and again looks out. Overcome with emotion, he sits down on the edge and looks as though he is about to cry. Mary slowly walks over and sits next to him.)

MARY

They were only trying to be nice.

(Stanley shakes his head as he fights off tears.)

MARY

They thought we would like it. That it would help us…relax. It was a thoughtful gift. Really.

(Stanley has successfully swallowed his tears and turned them to anger.)

STANLEY

You don’t give a vacation as a present. That’s not a present. A hat is a present. A tie is a present. “Here, let me buy you dinner, ya’ big lug” – that’s a present. This. This is a two-week prison sentence. Our children have thrown us in a jail cell with sand walls and a seagull for a warden.

MARY

We don’t have to stay, Stanley. I can tell them I got sick. I ate a bad clam.

STANLEY

Why would they do this to us? What have we done?

MARY

They like this sort of thing.

STANLEY

I want my basement, Mary. I miss my basement. I was going to fix the sump pump this week.

MARY

I know. I know. I was going to read my books.

STANLEY

At least you can do that here.

MARY(looking around)

No. No, I can’t.

(They sit in silence for a moment. She puts her chin on his shoulder.)

MARY

It has only been one day.

STANLEY

I don’t need to be repeatedly struck in the testicles with a ball peen hammer, Mary, to know that I don’t like it. Once is plenty.

(Mary gets up and heads towards the cabin door.)

MARY

I’ll go pack our things. They’ll buy the clam story. They’re always nice when I’m sick.

STANLEY

No, Mary. No. We tell them the truth. The absolute truth. (He stands) Otherwise, they’ll try this shenanigan, again. We sit them down and we say, “Chuck. Violet. We know you mean well, but if you really want to give your old man and mother a vacation, leave us be at home. Don’t call on us for a week. We’ll be more relaxed and you’ll save your money.” By, golly, that’s what we should do. (He sits on the bench.)

(Mary moves the towels and sits down next to him on the now crowded bench.)

MARY

You’re right, Stanley. They need to stop trying to make our lives better. We should be honest.

STANLEY

And direct.

MARY

Honest and direct. They’re adults, now.

STANLEY

Yes, they are.

(They continue sitting. Looking out towards the water. Drifting into their own worlds. A seagull flies overhead and they watch it fly by. They look at each other and then back out at the water. Lights fade as the sound of the surf and the seagulls gets louder.)

Week 16, Day 111 - “Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”

(posted after midnight Saturday)

“Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”
written by Joe Janes
5/9/09
111 0f 365

CAST:
Renee, 30s
Zoe, 30s
Jean, 30s
Carla, 30s

(Lights up on Renee, Zoe and Carla seated at a table enjoying wine and bread. Jean stands to the side opening another bottle of red wine. This should be performed in French gibberish.)

JEAN

… et alors j'ai dit à la bonne que ses services n'étaient nécessaires plus. Et elle est partie.

(Zoe laughs and places her hand on Renee’s hand.)

ZOE

Est exactement ce ce qu'il lui a dit.

RENEE

Je suis très impressionné avec vous, Jean. Très appliqué.

JEAN

Qui veut plus de vin ? Mon amour ?

ZOE

Oui, svp.

(He pours her more wine.)

JEAN (laughing)

Le besoin I demandent même ?

RENEE

Ah, Carla. Je ne leur ai pas raconté l'histoire au sujet du canard à l'étang. Vous devez ici ceci. Dites-leur, cher.

CARLA (somber)

Numéro. Pas, Renee. Vous leur dites. Svp.

RENEE (very animated)

Très bien. Carla et moi flânaient par le parc et nous trouvons ces canards. Ils sont waddling et quacking et faisants leur chemin vers l'étang. Clairement un d'entre eux est le canard de mère et le repos sont ses canetons. C'est un défilé des canards. Ils juste au sujet de la portée le bord de l'étang, quand ce grand chien vient bondissant hors de nulle part et saisit le dernier petit canard le plus minuscule dans sa bouche. (He stands and acts out the dog grabbing the duck. Everyone laughs. The laughter dies down and Renee sits.) Le petit canard est, naturellement, mort.

CARLA

Je vous déteste.

(She slaps Renee, kisses Jean on the mouth and leaves. They all laugh. Silence.)

ZOE

Je vais aller chercher une longue commande. Ou promenade. Ou tour de train.

(She slaps Jean, kisses Renee and leaves.)

JEAN

Devez-vous partir ?

RENEE

Numéro. Je dois être quelque part bientôt et devrais dormir, mais je pas.

JEAN

Bon. Parlons dans la petite salle incluse pendant vingt minutes au sujet de rien.

RENEE

C'est une excellente idée.

(They sit quietly for a moment.)

JEAN

Ainsi, un canard ?

RENEE

Oui, un canard.

(Lights fade.)

THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION

“Why I Hate French Cinema – Sorry, Olivier”
written by Joe Janes
5/9/09
111 0f 365

CAST:
Renee, 30s
Zoe, 30s
Jean, 30s
Carla, 30s

(Lights up on Renee, Zoe and Carla seated at a table enjoying wine and bread. Jean stands to the side opening another bottle of red wine. This should be performed in French gibberish.)

JEAN

… and then I told the maid that her services were no longer needed. And she left.

(Zoe laughs and places her hand on Renee’s hand.)

ZOE

That is exactly what he told her.

RENEE

I am very impressed with you, Jean. Very impressed.

JEAN

Who wants more wine? My love?

ZOE

Yes, please.

(He pours her more wine.)

JEAN (laughing)

Need I even ask?

RENEE

Oh, Carla. I did not tell them the story about the duck at the pond. You must here this. Tell them, dear.

CARLA (somber)

No. No, Renee. You tell them. Please.

RENEE (very animated)

Very well. Carla and I were strolling through the park and we come across these ducks. They are waddling and quacking and making their way to the pond. Clearly one of them is the mother duck and the rest are her ducklings. It is a parade of ducks. They just about reach the edge of the pond, when this big dog comes bounding out of nowhere and grabs the last tiniest little duck in his mouth. (He stands and acts out the dog grabbing the duck. Everyone laughs. The laughter dies down and Renee sits.) The little duck is, of course, dead.

CARLA

I hate you.

(She slaps Renee, kisses Jean on the mouth and leaves. They all laugh. Silence.)

ZOE

I’m going to go for a long drive. Or walk. Or train ride.

(She slaps Jean, kisses Renee and leaves.)

JEAN

Do you need to leave?

RENEE

No. I need to be somewhere soon and should sleep, but I will not.

JEAN

Good. Let’s talk in the small enclosed room for twenty minutes about nothing.

RENEE

That is an excellent idea.

(They sit quietly for a moment.)

JEAN

So, a duck?

RENEE

Yes, a duck.

(Lights fade.)

Week 16, Day 110 - "Throwing Chonos"

“Throwing Chonos”
Written by Joe Janes
(Based on characters created by Chris Novoa and Mike Stull)
5/8/09
110 of 365

CAST:
CHONOS, 20s
MILLIE, 60s
STU, 30s


(Lights up far stage left on radio sports talk host, Stu Federson. He sits alone in a booth wearing headphones and speaking into a microphone. Next to him is a small control board. Always within reach is a can of caffeine-free Diet Coke.)

STU

Welcome back to “In The Outfield” with Stu Federson. I’m Stu Federson. Today we’re talking about the Grady VanLehn, pitcher for the Chicago Blaze. This guy is on fire, just weeks away from breaking the no-hitter streak set nearly 20 years ago by Orel Hershiser. Let’s take your calls.

(Lights down on Stu and up on Chonos, in handmade denim cut-offs and a t-shirt, pacing back and forth in his living room. His mother, Millie, sits in a chair on the telephone.)

CHONOS

Well, Ma?

MILLIE

I’m on hold, dear.

CHONOS

Don’t forget what to say.

MILLIE (looking at a note)

I won’t forget. I have it right here. Oh, here I go.

(Lights come back up on Stu while staying on Millie and Chonos.)

STU

This is Stu Dog – woof - and you are in the outfield… Hello?... Millie from Waukegan? You there?

MILLIE

Oh. That’s me. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were talking to me.

STU

Well, I am. Talking right at cha. What’s on your mind?

(Chonos prompts Millie.)

MILLIE

Well, Stu. I am a long time listener and a first time caller.

STU

That’s wonderful, sweetheart.

MILLIE

And I am mad as… (To Chonos) I’m not going to say that… I’m as mad as hail… about Grady VanLehn.

STU

You mean because of his questionable past in the major leagues.

MILLIE

Yes… No…

STU

Which is it, dear?

MILLIE

Both. But what really burns my b-b-buns… is how he’s getting all this attention for breaking a record.

STU

Well, he hasn’t done it yet, but it’s pretty big news. And in press conferences, he’s gone out of his way to acknowledge his teammates, such as fielder Chonos.

MILLIE

Stanley Chonos?

STU

Yes. Stanley Chonos.

MILLIE

Well, that’s nice.

(Chonos non-verbally freaks out at his mom)

STU

Yes. I suppose it is nice.

MILLIE

Baseball’s so much nicer than football. Don’t you think, Stu? In football they do all that rough housing.

STU

Well, I like them both, but I have to admit a slight preference for baseball. Is there anything else I can do for you, today, Millie from Waukegan?

(Chonos prompts some more)

MILLIE

Oh, yes. Yes, there is. I’m still very angry, Stu. VanLehn is getting all this (looks at her notes and winces) movie star attention while his teammates, such as the taller more handsome Stanley Chonos, get pushed aside. I blame the liberal media. It’s all Grady, Grady, Grady. Why not interview someone like Stanley? As a fan of the Chicago Blaze, I would like to hear what he has to say. Don’t you care about him?

STU

Um, sure. I care about Chonos. He’s good in the outfield. He’s sloppy at bat. He couldn’t hit a beanbag chair with is ass, let alone a ball with a stick of wood.

MILLIE

He can too hit a beanbag chair with ass, oh, you’ve made me so upset.

STU

It’s okay. Calm down, Millie. I concede the beanbag point.

(Chonos tries to grab the phone.)

MILLIE (struggling with Chonos)

Listen, here, young man, you are nothing but a mean, mean man. Stanley Chonos is a good boy. He works very hard. And he loves his mother. -No, Stanley! I’m not done telling him what for!

STU

Um, ma’am? Mrs. Chonos? Could you put your son on?

MILLIE

Fine. But watch what you say. You’re not too old to have your mouth washed out with soap.

STU

You talking to me or Stanley?

MILLIE

Both!

CHONOS (takes phone)

Um, hi, Stu.

STU

Chonos, buddy! Your mom sounds like a staunch supporter. She also the president of your fan club?

CHONOS

Yes, but, look… I didn’t know she was going to be calling you. I just walked in.

STU

Moms can be sneaky that way.

CHONOS

No kidding. Well, hey, it was nice talking to you. Love the show-

STU

Chonos, you really have a problem with VanLehn being treated like a movie star?

CHONOS

I actually thought it was more like a rock star, but, yes. I do. You guys started off treating him like he had the plague and now you act like his, his – (looks at his mother)… doo-doo don’t stink and tastes like caviar to boot. Ain’t nobody scrambling to talk to the guys busting their buns to help him.

STU

You’re right, Chonos, You know what? I’d love to have you on the show.

CHONOS

Really?

STU

Yeah. Do a full hour. We’ll talk about whatever you want. Tomorrow night, okay?

CHONOS (giving his mom a thumbs up)

Yes!

STU

Just one catch.

CHONOS

What’s that?

STU

Bring your mom.

(Millie gives Chonos a thumbs up. Blackout)

Week 16, Day 109 - "Bullet Flu"

“Bullet Flu”
Written by Joe Janes
5/7/09
109 of 365

CAST
RON, 40s
LYDIA, 40s
DR. GIMPLE, 60s

(We hear some important news music. Lights up on news anchors Ron and Lydia along with Dr. Gimple breaking in to our regularly scheduled programming for some important news.)

RON

I’m Ron Kaufman.

LYDIA

And I’m Lydia Perez.

RON

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this breaking news story…

LYDIA

An unidentified Lakeview man is dead. Medical examiners believe the cause of death is a gunshot wound.

RON

Here to help us better understand this condition is physician and spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control, Dr. Eduard Gimple.

LYDIA

Dr. Gimple, please tell us, what causes gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

Lydia, gunshot wounds are caused by bullets being discharged from a gun. The only way to be harmed by one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really.

RON

Where do these bullets come from, Doctor? Mexicans?

LYDIA

Gay people who want to marry?

DR. GIMPLE

There’s a lot of speculation. Some even think black presidents cause them.

(They all laugh.)

DR. GIMPLE

The truth is, any human can carry bullets. And that alone is not anything to be concerned about. Bullets are harmless without a gun, their natural receptor.

LYDIA

How can I tell if I have a gun?

DOCTOR

Good question. You might have a gun and not even know it. A simple test you can do at home is to run your hand along the sides of your torso, lower back and legs. If you feel a lump under the sweat glands or along the calf, you might have a gun.

RON

Doctor, is there anything I can do to prevent being shot by a bullet?

DR. GIMPLE

Avoid crowded places, Ron, such as post offices, universities and 7-11s. The best thing you can do is stay indoors. But that’s also not a guarantee. People have been known to catch bullets in their homes.

LYDIA

Will washing my hands help?

DR. GIMPLE

Yes.

RON

Dr. Gimple, how do I know if I have been shot with one of these bullets?

DR. GIMPLE

There are some telltale symptoms. Achiness, throbbing pains, light-headedness, unfamiliar holes in your flesh and bleeding.

LYDIA

If I think I’ve been shot, what should I do?

DR. GIMPLE

As quickly as you can, just go home and crawl in to bed. Rest. Drink plenty of liquids. If after a day or two you don’t feel any better, then go see a doctor.

RON

Are gunshot wounds always lethal?

DR. GIMPLE

No, no. Not at all. That’s a common misperception. There are some people who have been shot multiple times with only minor side effects. However, elderly people and infants should try to avoid being around guns as much as possible. They are very susceptible to its ill effects.

LYDIA

Excuse me, doctor. We just got word now that an elementary school student on the south side has just been shot. We’re waiting to receive word on her condition.

DR. GIMPLE

Schools are a virtual breeding ground for bullets. Once one student has been shot, it’s possible more will quickly follow. I wouldn’t be surprised if that school closes its doors and sends everyone home for a day or two.

RON

How serious is this problem, Dr. Gimple? Are we looking at a nationwide pandemic of gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMPLE

I don’t think there’s any reason to panic, just yet. Gunshot wounds are a lot more common than you might think. Last year in this country alone over 30,000 people died from common, run-of-the-mill gunshot wounds. They can vary in intensity, which has made it difficult to create an effective vaccine to combat them.

LYDIA

We need to wrap up. Any final words on what our viewers should do about gunshot wounds?

DR. GIMBLE

The very best thing you can do is stay away from bullets.

(They laugh)

LYDIA

You know I will.

RON

Me, too. Thank you, Dr. Gimple.

LYDIA

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

(Blackout)

Week 16, Day 108 - "Brace Beer"

“Brace Beer”
Written by Joe Janes
5/6/09
108 of 365

CAST:
PHIL
NANCY
BARTENDER
ANNOUNCER

(Lights up on Phil talking to Nancy sitting at a bar. They are looking friendly towards one another.)

PHIL

Wow, Nancy, I can’t believe this bar lets you have all the barbeque chicken wings you can eat. I must have eaten a whole chicken’s worth of chicken wings.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves chicken wings.

PHIL

The only thing I love better is beer. Bartender? Two more over here.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves beer.

BARTENDER

Two beers.

(They raise their beer bottles. Phil takes a sip and vomits.)

PHIL

Oh…oh…I’m so sorry. I guess I had too much of…everything.

NANCY

You disgust me, Phil.

ANNOUNCER

Don’t let failing to keep your beer down ever keep you from getting down. Next time, Phil, try Brace Beer.

PHIL

Brace Beer?

ANNOUNCER

Try it.

PHIL
I don’t think so, I just –

ANNOUNCER

Try it!

PHIL(gulp)

Ah, oogh, um, hey. It tastes pepperminty.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer soothes your stomach.

PHIL

Will Brace Beer keep me from – (vomits)

ANNOUNCER

Nope. But watch-

NANCY

Hey, who threw up…aw, little tiny roses.

PHIL

I did.

NANCY

That is so romantic. Come here, tiger, let’s have some more beer.

PHIL

Bartender, make it Brace Beer.

NANCY

Kiss me.

PHIL

But, I just-

(They kiss.)

NANCY

Mmmm. Like licking warm candy.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer – the party never has to stop, even when your body says it should. Anheiser-Boooooosh!

(Blackout)

Week 16, Day 107 - "Hippy Bathday"

“Hippy Bathday”
Written by Joe Janes
5/5/09
107 of 365

CAST:
Amber, 20s
Spike the delivery dude
Computer Voice
As Many Co-workers As Possible

(Lights up on as many people as possible, all office workers, busy at their various desks with the occasional cross-overs to deliver a piece of paper or two to someone else. One desk somewhere amongst other desks down stage left is empty. Amber enters up stage right in a business outfit and tennis shoes. She enters slightly flustered and makes it to her desk. She looks around and sees, to her disappointment, that no one has noticed her missing or coming in late. She shrugs, sets down her bag and sits. She looks for something on her desk and its not there. Nor is it on anyone else’s desk. She checks her watch. With the least amount attention possible, she begins to work while obviously anxiously awaiting something. Spike the delivery dude enters stage right with flowers. He looks around the room. Amber quickly flags him over, but then goes back to work so she can act surprised by him. He makes his way to her desk while attracting very little attention from the others. Amber acts surprised by his appearance. He rolls his eyes and has her sign her name on a clipboard. He hands her the flowers. He waits a moment for her to tip. She has no idea why he is waiting. He rolls his eyes and leaves. Amber acts flattered at receiving flowers and looks around to see if anyone has noticed. She opens the card and laughs, then sighs at the thoughtful flirty amusement someone has written for her. A sole nearby co-worker has noticed her and stares for a moment. Then that person goes back to work. Amber looks sad by the lack of attention. She gets an idea. She quickly types up something on her computer. She then opens her bag and pulls out a single candled birthday cake. She lights the candle and presses a button on her computer. We hear a computer voice recite the lyrics to “Happy Birthday to You” which she typed quickly and without spellchecking, so what we really hear is…)

COMPUTER VOICE

Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday dear Amber
Hippy Bathday to Goo
And many more.

(The whole office turns and looks. She makes a wish and blows out the candle. )

AMBER

Look. Cake.

(All the co-workers descend upon her desk and quickly leave with a slice of cake each. All that is left is her candle. She quietly burns with anger and types. She hits the “text to speech” button.)

COMPUTER VOICE

Fug all of you.

(Amber sighs. Blackout.)